I got Marissa's pictures from the hospital today...I sat and stared at the envelope for awhile-wasn't sure if I should look or not. I opened them while I was waiting in the line to pick-up Kaitlynne. Of course I started crying immediately. She was so beautiful-so perfect. This picture really shows how much she looked like Alex. They sent really touching poems, one for mom, one for dad. Going to post them on her website when I get up to fixing it. Still says we're waiting for our bundle to arrive. Part of me IS still waiting...and always will be. I can't just move on...I can't. A piece of me died that day...and the me that was is no more.
Everyone keeps telling me how they miscarried when trying again after a stillbirth or previous miscarriage. This is scaring the shit out of me. I had a healthy child 7 years ago. I had a healthy pregnancy until she died with this one. I want another healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby put in my arms at the end. I have to. My mind isn't going to function correctly until this happens. But what if we are able to get pregnant right away, will I miscarry? My doc says my body is fine-I couldn't have prevented what happened. I'm healing well and quickly from the csection, but what if? What if, what if, what if, WHAT IF?! I don't understand. I told Alex I feel I'm being punished over and over. My life has been shit. I HAVE had good parts, don't get me wrong. I do have a beautiful daughter, but she suffers from ADHD/Bipolar that could now have her put into special education. Why? My stepson moves back in with mom (Bipolar) who kills herself and takes him with her. Why? I married a drunk, finally got the nerve up to leave him, met a good guy, got pregnant, baby died. Why? My mother is Bipolar and slowly but surely losing touch with reality. Why? Maybe I'm a bad mother to the one I have. I yell alot more now then I ever did. I have no patience. I have no anything anymore. If I could take the percocet/tylenol PM cocktail all day long to keep myself in a haze, I would. One small step away from just not feeling anymore... I don't want to die, I just don't want to feel anymore. This pain..is unreal. Those who haven't been here can NEVER understand the depth of it. I don't want them to understand, but I don't want them not to, either. Just don't want to feel it anymore...and it's only been 2 and a half weeks. I have a lifetime of this pain to deal with....
1 comment:
Oh honey. I feel for you so much. I gave birth to a stillborn baby boy almost 5 years ago (August 1st will be 5 years). He was full term and his cord was wrapped not around his neck, but around his belly and his legs so very tightly. I'm crying as I am reading your journal here because I felt each and every one of the things you are feeling right now. I can tell you though, that two years after he died, I conceived again and my daughter is now almost 2 1/2. Sure, I was scared out of my mind with the pregnancy and I think I drove the doc's nuts with my phone calls but they never got angry or frustrated and they watched me like a hawk. You're not a bad mother to the one you have sweetie. I said the same thing...that I was being punished for being a bad mom to the child I DID have, and that my stillborn son, cayleb was better off without me and that is why God took him. But, I now realize that isn't true. I don't want to sound like everyone else, but your pain DOES get better over time. Things will be rough for a while, and when you do have another healthy baby (and I know you will) you'll be happy and sad at the same time. No baby will ever replace your precious daughter but he/she will help you to move on. You will still feel sad every once in a while but it will get better. I know first hand. If you need to talk...even just to mention your precious baby or how hard it is without her, please e mail me. My email is CAYLEBS MY ANGEL@aol.com
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