It's been 1 week since the csection. Got my staples out today, didn't hurt-was surprised, I was prepared for some horrendous pain. Anyway, my doc appointment: Staples didn't hurt at all to get out (doc said they wouldn't, I thought he was lying, but he wasn't). Alex was with me (even the doc said to him that he was impressed how at how wonderful Alex has been...it makes me cling to him, which he says he's fine with-I'm afraid of suffocating him). Anyway, we talked to him about alot of things. Niki and I had discussed last night the fear that us sleeping on our backs might have done this-he said absolutely not, Niki-so you take a deep breath, too. I read it's normal to try desperately to find blame, even if it's on ourselves-helps our brains to function, having someone to 'point the finger' at, so to speak. He said there is absolutely nothing I could have done differently that would have prevented it. He actually told me she was so tangled in the cord (wasn't just around her neck twice, was wrapped around her abdomen, as well), that should she have been born alive, chance could have been that she would be mentally/physically challenged from oxygen-deprivation. Of course, he's speculating, and I know that..but my brother's neighbor's child is this way for that reason. That would be incredibly hard, as well....so he's telling me there was most likely going to be no happy way out on this. I don't know if that makes me feel better or not. I do have to say it helps to know what happened to her--it would be so much harder not knowing.
He said we can try again in 3 months, and he would love to be my doctor (he doesn't normally take my insurance, but said he'd do whatever it took to make it happen...this made me feel so good I started crying-again).
I left feeling...better, in a way, tho unfortunately the feeling didn't last. I went to my best friend of 14 years' house after we picked up our kids from school. She had been trying to get pregnant after finding out I was pregnant (she has 2 boys). Well...she told me today she's pregnant. I feel horrible for saying this but this really pissed me off..not at her, per say...the part of me that's been her friend for years is so very happy for her, but the part of me that had to buy a small urn for my daughter's ashes is really angry and hurt. I feel so selfish for even thinking this way, but I honestly can't help it. I had years of infertility with my ex, finally got with a man who loves me and I love, got pregnant, all went well, then ended like this. She felt bad, didn't want to tell me-but I just knew it would be this way. Now, I not only feel like I couldn't go to her cuz I couldn't relate the feelings I had before to her, but now I don't want to be near her for this reason...I hope this is coming out right, I don't know how to explain it w/out me sounding like a horrid person...
Anyway..that's enough for now..only thing keeping me going is knowing we can try again soon...my body and mind feel 'ripped off', so to speak...I need the prize at the end of the ride...I don't want to keep crying, can't even fold laundry or do dishes w/out breaking down. I feel like I'm going crazy-I have a daughter to take care of, a home, a man...but I just can't see past any of this. I'm on a few message boards, hoping they'll help. It does help to talk to women who have been there-others either don't know what to say or say something so ridiculous that I get angry. I wonder if I ever said anything like that to someone not knowing how it really felt...I'm sure I did, sucks being on the other side, too.
Oh, the gals on the GT board send me a huge plant. Has flowers (don't know what kind). It's really nice..they've been great, too. Little hugs send in my email box...small gestures that say 'hey, we're here whenever you're ready'.
Love you, Alex-thank you for being the person I can't be right now. ~Me~
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