Crazy shyt, you know...I've been doing pretty well the last few days and JUST threw myself for a loop and about started bawling-and I don't even know for sure why, other then I was reading and offering a little support to a March mommy. I guess sometimes I just have to 'remind' myself that tho they all consider me a March mommy (great group of gals...all 3 boards I posted on regularly during the pregnancy), I don't have the prize at the end of the ride. I spent 8 months with most of these gals...now the stories are changing from 'my feet hurt' to 'baby's keeping me up all night'. I can relate as far as I do have a 7 year old-she kept me up quite a bit...back then. Now, well..with the help of some mighty-mighty meds, I sleep pretty well. A dreamless coma. This post is heading to morbid-land that only my fellow angelbaby mom's can understand, so let me see if I can regroup myself. There are alot of y'all reading this rambling of mine....dunno if it helps any of y'all, but it helps me. As much as anything, at this point in time, can help me....I'm not the person I used to be-whoever that was...
Okay...let me throw my quick dig in here. Tony Stewart led the race..like the entire race, I mean...I was about to stop watching the dang thing. Jr. held up 27th damn place forever, Tony led, Gordon behind him...BLAH! Then outta nowhere comes Jr! Got everyone's hopes all up, but...Gordon go a nice bump in the rear from Busch and well crap if cupcake didn't win it. BUTTTTT, I do have to say-it was really cool to hear him praise his crew after he passed the checkered line. Good ole' pansyass Stewart was lookin' for another brawl-he makes friends wherever he goes (right, Stacie?? LOL). Should be a VERY interesting race season :)
Alrighty, that got me out of the depths of the black hole in my mind...there's actually something else I'd like to put in here that's been on my mind alot today-but I've been asked not to (since this thing's pretty dang public now)...so I won't.
Friday is Marissa's service. Just saying that seems surreal. I, Becky, am having a memorial service for one of my children on Friday. How horrible is that...to have to do this....parents don't outlive their children! It's not RIGHT and it's not FAIR! Somewhere down the road a woman is injecting herself with crack while pregnant--she'll get her baby. Why didn't I get mine? Ugh, back to the black hole...think I'll just stop this now while I'm ahead. I want so badly for people to UNDERSTAND the pain..the unbearable pain that crushes my heart, makes my mind want to just cease...but if you ever understand, then you've lost a child, too...and I wish that on no one. This post is for Niki...for Tina K...for Stacie...three women who lost their precious children, and might not ever get the chance to have more. The ONLY thought that keeps me hanging on to sanity is knowing I can try again soon. I love y'all...I'm so very sorry for your pain...(((hugs and kisses to our angels tonight-I love you, Marissa-we miss what could and SHOULD have been)))
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