Don't know...

I had no idea where today was going to go.  By that I mean emotionally.  Physically-usually the same ole, same ole.  Emotionally-changes frequently throughout the day.  I just told my friend in Australia about Marissa.  Usually I'm fine talking about it, today I'm having trouble, so I'm communicating mainly via emails, if at all.

I've been reading all my boards, like normal.  Decided to stop in and see the preggo/new mommy's.  I was fine, everything a-ok.  I did something kind of foolish, but something I needed to do today.  I took a pregnancy test.  It finally all sank in-negative.  Negative, Becky-you are NOT pregnant...she's not going to magically reappear in my stomach like nothing ever happened.  Negative.  It hurts-been dealing with the jealousy of the new mom's and preggo's, so I stopped reading the boards about half-way thru.  It hurts-but it's good.  Good that now I know where my body is.  Doesn't mean I'm not pregnant, necessarily, just means can't be detected.  Or means I am truly not pregnant, and my body is telling me to slow down, give it time to heal, etc...  I worry more about my mind then my body lately, tho....  However, my mind picked-up on the fact that NOTHING was detected.  This is all very hard to explain...I hardly know how to get anything across so that people will understand.  Worse then feeling jealous of the online folks, I started feeling really jealous towards Kim.  Get's pregnant and has children, no problem.  Then I think well hey, I get pregnant no problem...had Kaitlynne just fine (aside from the pre-e), what happened with Marissa was an accident.  Saying it like that makes me think of 'oops, I spilled my milk' accident.  It just seems to triviliaze her short life. 

Eh, I don't know.  I can feel myself getting pretty down again.  I'm hoping it's a dip...I'll be back 'up' and going soon.  Today is 4 weeks to the day that I found out my babygirl was dead.  Tomorrow is 4 weeks to the day that they took her from me and the first and last day I ever saw her.  How does one come back from a dip like that?