Today's a bitch to get through...I don't know if it's because it's been 2 weeks to the day I heard the dreaded diagnosis of 'fetal demise' or what...

I was folding laundry earlier...and BAM-it hit me.  I SHOULD be folding baby clothes...SHOULD be pretreating little pink onsies for spitup stains...SHOULD be pairing tiny little socks together....but I'm not.  I'm a g'damn statistic....1 out of 100.  Maybe I should play the lotto---feeling lucky?  Can't stop crying today...Kim called, decided I better talk to her before she's gets herself all upset thinking I don't like her or something.  She asked if I had a cold..told her allergies.  Wasn't going to say 'no, I just can't stop crying' to her.  I did finally tell her that I didn't know what to say to her.  I felt bad that I couldn't be as much of a friend to her right now as I should be...and that I was happy for her, but honestly couldn't stand being around 'the happy preggo'.  She understood..she feels bad that she's preggo and I'm not.  So..we're both feeling bad for things beyond our control.  Happy happy joy joy.  I also told her that tho she couldn't relate before, I don't even want to talk to her about it now because she's pregnant-I don't want to scare her more then I'm sure this all already did.  She doesn't want me to not talk to her...it's a twisted damn circle...

I've been trying to leave the house now for 4 hours.  I just can't seem to get myself together enough.  Ridiculous...I had a few good days, what is it about today that's different?  Who knows...

Went to Scott's yesterday.  Had a good long talk with him, we're on the same page again.  He just didn't know what to say, but he still called to see how I was doing while I was in the hospital.  It's the thought that counts.  I knew he couldn't come by...visitation was until 8pm, he wasn't getting off work until after 10pm.  He was upset...had been really looking forward to holding his little niece, had already told Pete he needed that Thursday off to come to Orlando...I didn't quite realize it would affect him the way it has, but he's eager for us to get pregnant again.  I guess he's living thru me vicariously.  

Goin' to go for now...I'm sure I'll write more later, just really having a rough one today and hoping the more I talk about this shit, the better...the horribly morbid thoughts going thru my head are trying to get the better of me...and I want to say pray for me, but God and I aren't on speaking terms regarding this subject.