Today

Well, I made mention to a couple people that I had that 'feeling' today.  That 'borderline meltdown' feeling.  I fought it most of the day (which, btw, it's a crappy overcast day).  I went to Rhino to exchange a game for Alex (that went pretty good, I picked out a game that was the same price-they were marking it down, so we still have a $5 credit).  Then I went to this liquidation place Kim told me about-that was kinda neat.  Neat stuff in it.  Lady told me that Kaitlynne was so well behaved.  I told her she was having a good day-she normally causes her havoc like every other child.  I saw they had really cute baby stuff-made myself keep walking.  I did buy a maternity shirt at Goodwill a few days ago-in hopes of being able to wear it someday.  I said to someone today that I had gotten to the acceptance-phase.  NOT accepting that my daughter is dead-I can't and WON'T accept that.  Accepting that there is nothing I can do to bring her back.  I think part of the euphoric-feeling I've had the last few days is because some part of me is still in major denial-thinks we're either still pregnant, or that none of this really happened, period.  I know we'll have a child...but that doesn't change the fact our daughter, Marissa, is gone.  We'll never know what could and should have been.  The same God I pray to every night to protect Kaitlynne is the same one I'm not talking to for NOT protecting Marissa. 

I finally did the 'Thank You' cards for the hospital staff, doctor, Stacie, and Alex's mom.  I have more to write, of course, but these-they were hard enough.  "Thank you for sending the beautiful sympathy card" (for our dead baby) "it was greatly appreciated."  I had to put a picture of the baby in Alex's mom's card...as well as a lock of the baby's hair and a copy of the obituary (all things she requested).  Guess what that meant.  I had to enter the morbidly-intact nursery to get my 'parting gift' from the hospital (most women leave with a baby-I got a folder with feetprints, hair, tags..yay me).  Everything is just as I left it the day I went to the hospital.  Except, of course, where Alex put the carseat/stroller and diaper bags back in there out of the car.  Little blanket in the bassinett, folded back on one side....forever waiting for a baby to be underneath it.  Everything is there, forever waiting..like me...for what won't come.  Yes, there will be another baby in there, some day....but Marissa will never see all the things we bought, or were bought for her. 

Today's a bad day...only gets better.  Wednesday is the last due date I was given.  It's amazing how people see me and just act like nothing ever happened.  She didn't exist to them.  Some days I have to remind myself she existed at all...I'm the only one who seems to want to remember.  My friend's don't call me anymore.  No one wants to go shopping or do lunch.  No one knows what to say or do, so it's apparantly easier to just...forget I exist, too. 

**Added notation on 2/22/05**  I realized last night (couldn't sleep-tried to do it on my own, minus drugs-that didn't work out so good), WHY yesterday (above entry) was so rough....well, for one, it was 3 weeks to the day since the csection.  3 damn weeks-it feels like an eternity of heartache already, not just 3 weeks...only thing I could think of was 3 and a HALF weeks ago, I was pregnant and happy...

Second reason...yesterday (2/21) was Kevin's 19th birthday...or atleast would have been, if he was still alive.  I knew what it was all day, just didn't mention it...

Anyway, that's the addendum...I'll do another entry later**