I requested 'Tears in Heaven' by Eric Clapton from a songlist I'm on today. She sent it back pretty quick. I told her it was a song I used words from on my website about my stepson's death, and I wanted to play it at Marissa's memorial. Song always made me tear up before, took on a whole new meaning. I can feel the heartache Clapton felt when he wrote this song for his son...
I've been burying myself in books and websites regarding stillbirth and conceiving afterwards. Doc said 3 months-it occurred to me last night that *if* we get pregnant right away, the new baby will be due the same time Marissa was...I don't know how I feel about that, but I know I want and need to be pregnant again. Some women need to wait, some women need it now...I need it now. I will wait the full 3 months, because I don't want to take the chance of miscarriage with a body that wasn't ready yet. Alex and I need a little time for 'us' anyway. He mentioned to me that he hasn't had 'me' for more then a month, since we got pregnant so quick after meeting. I'd give him whatever he wanted, about now...it amazes me how much things changed-for the better, actually-between us with this happening. I read in a book a testimonial from a woman who lost her child to stillbirth...she said her child's gift to her and her husband had been bringing them closer then they ever were (or would have been) before. It made me cry, but I'm taking that as Marissa's gift to us. Alex and I had problems in the beginning that caused major trust issues on my end...but no man would do and say what he has if he didn't truly love me. I told him tonight that I'm afraid he'll think I'm obsessing about all of this and getting pregnant again, and that I probably am...he said do whatever I have to do to get thru it, it's all fine with him. I asked him how he's doing-he rarely speaks of it. He said he does ok, sometimes gets to thinking about it and breaks down. I hope one day he'll want to see her picture..she looked so much like him. It makes my heart hurt to not know...to never know...what she would have been like. Her smile, her laugh, first words, steps...then I think maybe I'm lucky I don't have those added things to miss about her. I don't know... The only people I have to share these feelings with are online-but that's actually ok with me. It's easier to open up w/out someone staring at you. And these women have been there-tho we all feel things differently, we have the same general feeling of hurt..and anger..and fear of getting pregnant again. Another something I saw in a book said that any pregnancy after a stillbirth will be filled with fear...the 'carefree feeling' of pregnancy's prior is gone and can't ever be regotten. That's actually sad...getting pregnant has turned into a mission for me, not something to look forward to. I look forward to holding a LIVING baby in my arms at the end...everything in between scares me. I've turned into a very weak person...vulnerable to things I never thought I'd be exposed to in my lifetime. Losing Kevin was horrific...this has proven to be worse.
I started looking for work. I know I won't be released from the doc for another 3 weeks or so, but figured I can start now. Take some pressure off of Alex, and get me out of the house.
Someone I haven't spoken to in a long while called the funeral home (after reading the obit) and left a message for me to call her. We've been playing phone-tag since then, tho I could have made more of an effort to be available...I'm just almost 'scared' to talk to people on the phone....scared to see people I know. I just want to be with Alex, hide away from everyone...everything...
I go back to the doc Monday...I have to go without Alex this time. I broke down while Alex was there, so I'm quite sure I'll break down again. The doc has been so good to us...says he'll do anything he can to make sure he can follow us with the next pregnancy...I will do anything I can to make sure of it, too. He knows where I am in heart and mind, tho he's never been there. I don't have to explain it to anyone else.
That's enough--writing about this is emotionally draining, but I have to do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment