Okay so today I had my WIC appointment (I didn't know they gave it to you for 6 months if your baby dies...). Anywho, I asked Kim to go with me (I have been avoiding her-people in general, really-like the plague). She had Danny with her-said he was sick (I think he's got nerves for the FCAT coming up next week). Anyway, they waited in the car because Danny didn't want to get out and go in. I get in there, sit down. 5 minutes later a gal calls me to her window. She asks how I am...I'm ok. She asks how the baby is and if I'm breastfeeding...baby's dead, not breastfeeding. Well, that shut her up kinda quick. Didn't say it in a nasty way-but dang, it was put on my file when I called in a few weeks ago to tell them...she coulda read the big red letters that even I could see from where I was sitting. Ok, anywho I have to see the nutritionist. I get back there, we do weight (lost 25 lbs of the baby weight), height (I'm shrinking-5'9'' now..LOL) and iron check (good). Then I have to see some counselor-gal. She's very straight-forward, by the book. Asks me if I delivered the baby (did she think I still had her? I wasn't sure what she meant so I just said 'cesarean'). Asks me how my appetite is...told her I get a meal in every day. Just one? Yeah...lucky about that-just not hungry. Make something, look at it, put it in the fridge. Go to out to eat, take a few bites, give it to Kaitlynne or Alex. Blah. Anyway, she tells me to start taking folic acid and to continue taking whatever prenatal I was taking since we want to try again. Okie dokie, get my WIC checks from the nice fella who sends his condolences about the baby (the only one who did while I was there) and be on our way.
Go to the funeral home. I have to drop off the porcelain heart we decided on for Marissa's ashes, and the cross pendant so they can fill it before they seal it. I told them another pendant was coming, too (thanks gals...y'all rock more then words..explain down further), and he said he'd keep just enough out for another necklace, then seal it up. Asked me if we wanted the chapel or the other room (it's more cozy-living room type setting). I chose the other room. The chapel was big..imposing. I so can't wait to get this over with...that sounds selfish, I know...this is my daughter's memorial service-I should be thankful to be able to have this time to reflect. I reflect way more then anyone wants to know about, trust that. Don't need an audience while I do it. Anywho, he said he'd get the prayer cards ready, too. (I had asked for Lorraine-the woman who came and spoke with Alex and I at the hospital-I can never get her by phone and he said she wasn't there. I'm thinking she doesn't work there anymore, since he kept saying he'd help us.)
Went to Kmart next in Belleview (she had to get Donald some gloves for work). I get my folic acid as requested, some more shampoo/condition, hairspray. Actually got up the gumption to go walk around looking in the baby aisles with Kim. Think it helped her-might have been ok for me, not really sure-haven't thought about it. Saw this thing I had been wanting to buy since I was pregnant with Marissa on sale really cheap...picked it up, ALMOST bought it, not really thinking twice. Stopped myself-put it back.
Get back in the van and start driving..while we are, Kim says "I can tell you are having a decent day, but you aren't yourself anymore." Can't say much to that other then : get used to it? I don't see me coming back ever again...not saying I can't be happy at some point again-just can't get back that last little bit of innocense I carried, I guess. Trusting that those really, really bad things that happen to others wouldn't happen to me. I stand corrected.
Well..that's about it. Alex isn't speaking to me, for whatever reason...I didn't do anything that I'm aware of, guess I'll see how that plays out. Sucks, we've been getting along fabulously, I left him alone today so he could get some sleep-he's not talking to me. It's taking all my mental-strength from not crawling in the black-hole that tomorrow is carrying with it, I can't spare much to figure out what it was I did or didn't do to him. Tomorrow we'll need each other more then ever...hopefully I'm not sitting alone while the minister tells me about how God doesn't give us what we can't handle-God overestimates my strength.
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