AOL has finally let me on my journal..3 days w/out their browser is more then annoying.
Well, AF officially showed on Thursday and was gone just as quick by Friday. I guess that was my first one, tho pretty irregular. I looked at the ovulation calculator online-said if we got preggo on my fertile days this month, baby would be due on Christmas-thought that was kinda neat.
Alex and I had our big plans to go to Busch Gardens today. We got our passes online, both got all giddy to go (we don't get out much, apparantly). Kinda saw it getting doomed..Kim and Donald backed out because of $$, and then Alex said he 'might' have to work (which, if I'm sitting here writing this thing, must mean he DID get called in). We even had mom out here to spend the night so we could leave early. Oh well, guess there's not much that can be done, right. Was just kinda bummed. Alex and I still have our weekend away in a couple weeks-I know we'll get that.
Last Thursday I had gone to town to get Kaitlynne's prescription..kinda had the feeling when I left the house I should stay home, but brushed it off. I got the pills, called Alex to see if he wanted me to get him some dinner since they were so busy down there, then started to head out across SR 200 (very busy road). I saw only one car coming and it was getting in the turning lane, so I started to pull out into the middle lane myself. The car changed it's mind and came flying back out into traffic, so I had no choice but to stop where I was, with oncoming traffic coming at me. I never saw the motorcyclist (tho there's nothing I could have done at that point if I had)...I heard him screech his tires, saw him (in slow-motion) lay his bike down and come running at our car (the car 'broke' his run...stopped him, if you will). I put the window down and was hollering at him to see if he was ok (he never did fall or anything...I was amazed). He yelled at me asking why I stopped, and I pointed at the car speeding right past us (that driver saw me pointing at them and flipped me off). I pulled back into the store's parking lot, as did he. He was so worried about his bike, and I'm just asking him over and over ifhe's ok. He says he doesn't have his license on him (ok..whatever, I'm not askin questions, I'm in total shock here), and says the damage is very minimal, he'll just let me know how much after he has his buddy fix it up. I say ok, get in the car, and go to the hotel. Since that point, I've done nothing but think of the 'what ifs'..what if he had been going faster and been killed...what if it had been a car, not a cycle, and killed us all (I had Kaitlynne in the car). I had nightmares before it happened anyway, now they're a little darker and more twisted...I'm afraid to get behind the wheel now. I do, of course-life has to go on...but I'm scared...I have things I need to do today, actually...and I'm not going to.
I've made a webpage for Marissa (Warning to those who don't want to see: IT HAS HER PICTURE ON IT!) Turned out really nice-thanks Niki for resizing her pic for me, and thanks to those who have visited thus far and signed her guest book. I'll put the link on the bottom of this page. Sometimes it's really hard for me to look at her...and yes, I still get the bullshit comments 'it happened for a reason' (what the hell reason is that??) or 'its for the best' (noooo, being w/ her family is for the best). Or there's the damn tension it has created between most everyone I know and myself. Of course they're my friends, and care..but it's hard for them to even look me in the eye now. I'm guessing that will pass.
Ok, well...I have another entry I'd like to make, but I think I'll save that for another day. It's more of a mushy sentimental thing, and after the dreams I just had during a short nap-I'm just not feeling it right now. Here's the link to our sweet baby's page: Marissa Cheyenne
1 comment:
My heart goes out to you. Until a month ago I didn't know the pain a mother feels loosing a child. Unfurnately now I'm member of that club. I lost my son on this date. I will paste what a wrote on a couple of boards today. My prayers are with you. Maybe we will understand why we loose our children.
I wish all drug users could look at this.
The last picture on my profile is what you look like when you think you know what you are doing when you play with drugs. There is NO way I can write on here the pain that you leave your family with.
I'm so angry and hurt with my son. I begged and did everything I knew to get him to stay away from the street drugs. He promised me over and over he wasn't doing them. He went to bed around 11:30 pm and his sister had to find him gone. They said he had been gone for about 3-4 hours. I got back the full M. E. report. He died from and accidental overdose of xanax and methadone. He went peacefully. He NEVER even knew that his body was shutting down. Now, he has left his family to try to carry on. I have a 4 year old that ran around the yard today crying and begging Bubba to come back down just for a minute, she cried I miss you so badly, I just want to see you for a minute.
Post a Comment