Fooling myself...

I tell myself and everyone else I'm doing better..feeling good, hopeful.  It's all a lie.  It makes everyone else feel better to think I'm doing just peachy-and I thought making everyone else feel better was all I needed to be ok.  It's not.  The last few days have been so hard.  Nothing in particular to pinpoint, just so hard.  I feel like crying every minute-but I don't.  I don't want to talk to my friends.  I don't want to see my family.  I don't want to do anything.  I do, tho.  I get out of bed every day, and do it all over again.  I can't even explain it-the total despair that I feel.  Life will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  It's not fair..to me, to Kaitlynne, to Alex...but I can't stop it.  Someone mentioned meds..sure, I could get them...but that doesn't change anything, just makes me numb to it.  Is that the answer? To be numb to the world around me?  Or is the answer to live in a darkness no one else can see?  My heart hurts..literally.  I worry about getting pregnant again..will I?  If I do, will it end with the death of another child?  I thought I was getting giddy about it...maybe I will, if it happens.  I don't know.  I know it won't be the same.  The excitement and blissfullness is forever gone.  It died on January 30th, 2005 at 5:24pm when I heard the doctor say to me, "Your baby's heartbeat has stopped, I'm sorry."  So am I.  Why would it happen just days before she was supposed to be here?  Why didn't it happen when I started bleeding at 12 weeks?  No, not saying that'd make it better..nothing makes it better.  Why 'tease' me with a full 9 months of planning, excitement, bonding, loving...only to tear my soul to shreds within seconds.  Monday will be 8 weeks since I gave birth to a child I'll never know.  A child that will never see the nursery filled with things just for her.  A child that was so wanted, loved, anticipated...

I'm a grown woman, with a child, a loving man, family, friends, a roof over her head, money in the bank, good job that I've always wanted-and I'm so miserable I find it harder and harder every day to find a reason to get out of bed.  Those horrific "What if..." thoughts have managed to creep in to my mind on occasion...like driving down the road.  What if I just jerked the wheel...

However, life goes on..and I'll stumble my way through it until God sees fit to take me.  He doesn't give us more then we can handle, right?  Whoever thought of that statement is so full of shit-they should try my shoes on for size and see if they still feel that way...