I finally talked Alex in to going to Olive Garden (been wanting that for awhile). Sucked. Small-ass portion, and I had just filled my salad plate, my cell phone rang, and the wench server took my damn plate! So I said screw it, left her a nasty note and a crappy tip. Told him to remind me of that if I said I wanted to go to lunch again anytime soon. We've been eating lunch out lately, but I dunno...just seems like the thing to do when we have alone time..go do adult stuff w/ no one hollerin for a happy meal.
Hmm, today...today's been kinda hard, dunno why. Not necessarily fighting back tears-just fighting back rough thoughts. I've REALLY missed not having a baby today...of course I miss not having Marissa everyday, but today I had the 'arm aching'. Fellow angel mommy's know...this is a real condition. My arm's literally ache from being empty. After being out with Alex today, I pretty much laid low--didn't want to see babies. Didn't want to see anyone I know. I kept my away message on most of the day-just "couldn't". I probably shouldn't have bought those preggo tests just yet-it's hard seeing one line. I did the infertility thing for over 2 years before being blessed w/ Kaitlynne, then 6 years after her. Then my Marissa gave me 9 months...and no more. My best friend is pregnant (saw her today), and she's already poking out pooch at 8 weeks. I want my baby back. I want to go back to January 29th, realize something wasn't right, made them get her out before she slipped away. Alex says for me to stop blaming myself-but when something happens to your baby inside you...who do you blame? I told someone today (who told me I sounded like I was doing good) that denial seems to be a pretty good look for me. I'd love to crawl into a ball, forget life for awhile. People expect things from me, tho. I'm the jokester. I make THEM happy when they aren't...help them forget about THEIR lives for awhile...my only escape is to come online, forget reality behind me. I love my online friends dearly...just wish I wasn't always 'on stage' for my offline friends. They don't know how to react when I'm not cracking up, tho. Then they either just don't call me, or there's some wierd tension going on while they struggle with the 'me' that's here now.
I'm having a pity-day. I've lived thru alot of hellish things, and I know I'll live thru this-but this is the FIRST thing that has ever made me not WANT to move on. I want my baby back. I'm not June Cleaver, but I do ok...she would have been happy, I would have certain of it. I know, I know..."she's happy where she is now"...I'm not. She should be here, with her mommy, daddy, sisters.... Dark thoughts, today...dark, dark, dark....
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