My idea of what the 'tag' is??? I dunno....

Ok, Tina said something about being 'tagged', and from what I can gather, it's telling others 5 things about myself?  Ok....

1)  I collect pencils.  They MUST be unsharpened pencils...I have nearly 1,000 of them now (Tina has greatly contributed to the addiction).  I figure when we get our new home built, I'm going to glue them to the wall of the computer room..LOL.

2)  I have always pictured myself to be the mother of ATLEAST 3 children.  Alex probably would think otherwise (since he has other children), but he's going to make that vision come true!  *Love you, honey*

3)  My parents divorced when I was 7 (seperated when I was five).  I bounced back and forth between them (along w/ my brother, 5 years my senior), until finally my dad told me (under special circumstances) that he never wanted my mother to have me to begin with.  I left his home, never lived w/ him again.  I've seen him twice since then....and that was 17 years ago.

4)  I make jokes when I'm nervous, sometimes saying things that are ridiculously stupid...just the way I deal, I guess.

5)  Even with the loss of our daughter, I'm happier now then I've ever been in my life.  Tho when we lost her, I thought I'd never want to smile again...my family and friends made it possible to get up each day, until I realized slowly (and I'm still seeing) the blessings our daughter (as well as her big sister) have brought to me.

Ok, dunno if that's what I'm supposed to be doing...but that's what ya get.  Ok....uhm...I tag Sabrina now (you NEVER write in your journal, woman!!!).

Out with the Mouse, Praying for the new :)

We went to Chuck E Cheese's for Drew's party.  I felt SO crappy, but sucked it up and tried to be as pleasant as I could.  I stayed away from the babies as long as I could, but Kim had her hands full and Katherine grabbed Josh and was holding him in a not-so-stable position, so I grabbed him (kept his face going away from me, tho).  It was fun, her whole family was there, we stayed for about 4 hours.  After that, the 'plan' was to go seperate ways (Alex w/ Katie, me w/ Kaitlynne) for some alone time....we all went to the mall (found each other in the Toy store..lol).  After that, we did Walmart to get groceries (much needed) and medicine (crap is doing nothing *sniffle*).  Then, after buying all that food, we went to Denny's...lol.  I told Alex I was too danged tired to cook.  We came home, got stuff put away, got the girls showered, then went outside to do sparklers.  As soon as we started, his brother's family came over with their fireworks (grand).  I ignored them while they waited for Alex to get off the phone (he called his mom in England to wish her Happy New Years...also told her we are pregnant again-she's thrilled!), then we all went over and watched them do their fireworks.  I was happy to be done w/ it and come inside, tho.  Right now, Alex is sitting in here w/ the girls watching tv.  We're taking Katie home to Georgia tomorrow, so we have to get up early (gag).  Hopefully Monday I can get into the doc's office to get an antibiotic or something.  I have to try again to get ahold of Kaitlynne's dentist...for some reason, TWO of her teeth (molars) have cracked right in half with her not eating anything hard...and they aren't rotten or anything!  It's freaking me out, to say the least. 

I guess that's about it...I'm so tired!  Ugh!  Happy New Year to all....God willing, 2006 will be a MUCH better year....

Just a quick whine...

I'm sick.  I've been denying it for a day or so, but no denying it now.  Coughing, sneezing, stuffy, eyes watering, sinus pressure, headache...the works.  I'm just miserable because I'm sneezing so much, it's making my throat sore.  I took some Robitussin which made me tired for about 20 minutes, then nothing. 

Tomorrow is Drew's party at Chuck E Cheese, then we're splitting up for a little while...Alex/Katie, me/Kaitlynne.  Told mine if she was good we'd go see Cheaper By the Dozen 2...first one was cute.  Not sure what Alex and Katie are doing, but I'm sure they'll have fun.  I just hope I can find something safe to dope myself up with so we can have fun, too.

Sunday we take Katie home.  His ex said that since child support hadn't gone thru her account yet, she wouldn't meet us in the regular (already closer to her) half-way point.  Demanded we drive further.  She loves putting out the hoops...I loathe her, for much more then this, but for what she's slowing doing to this little girl...whole other story, too tired to get into it.

Not much else going on...I went looking back at some pics I had saved on my comp, and found one where I had taken a pic of one of Marissa's u/s pic-it looked identical to the one of jellybean here...I kind of smiled inside-like her way of telling me it's all going to be ok this time-she's taking good care of him/her.  BTW, up until this point (the ultrasound), I had kept my emotions so guarded.  I cared for myself physically, but refused to attend to the pregnancy *emotionally*, if that makes sense.  The more I look at the u/s pic, tho, the more in love I am...I can't help but love that little one...s/he is so cute!  God willing, we'll bring this one home for keeps...

For my honey...

I just wanted to say to Alex that I know things are stressful now (in so many different areas...unreal how it all unloads so quickly and at such a rough time anyway), but that I love you, no matter what.  You're my best friend, my lover & future husband, partner in crime...  Nothing and no one can change that...some will try (and have tried) and have failed miserably.  Things have happened to us in our short (yet wonderful) time together that would have torn many down and away from each other..our love is strong, as are we.  I love you, and thank you for being you.

Peek-a-boo!

 <Copied from an email sent out earlier..I'm feeling so crappy, think I'm getting sick...so I'm doing this the lazy way>

 

Ok...first let me say, we had the same witch that we had at the 6 week u/s..remember, she scared the hell out of me so bad??  She remembered me, too, and she did it AGAIN!  I asked her to turn the monitor just a hair, she said, "I'm trying to see if your baby has all it's organs, but if you want to see so bad, then I guess I'll just have to take the chance of not seeing anything...bad enough I can hardly see anything now because you're pretty heavy."  I was like.."WHAT?!  I'm that little one's mother and perhaps I would ALSO like to see if there's a heartrate, kidneys, etc.. And you know what, ultrasounds aren't FUN for me anymore...I'm scared to death, it's been a really rough year, and perhaps you should try talking to me a little gentler!"  I was bawling at that point.  Her tune totally changed, and she was actually pretty nice after that.  She went out of her way to point out each organ, showed me the heartrate (141bpm), took 3 pics (all pretty much the same pose).  She showed me what she thought could POSSIBLY be boy parts, but then said like 2 seconds later that the umbilical cord was also hanging between the legs so she couldn't say for sure anything...and not to go buy blue just yet.  I was just in shock!  I'm of course happy with ANY healthy little person, but I had just assumed girl because I'm carrying the same, feel exactly the same...  Anywho, I guess gender shall remain a mystery until next u/s (some of y'all remember how Alex didn't want to know with Marissa..he was pretty happy not knowing this time, too..LOL).    Stats:  Measuring 18 wks 2 days (so no change in dates);  weighing 8 oz, ALL organs accounted for, and thus far-doing really great :)  Above is a pic, baby is looking right at you, straight on :)

...and the rest.

I'm adding the rest of the pics from Christmas (visiting Alex's family, I didn't get pics at Tina's house tho I remember carrying my camera around?, and a couple of pics at Kim's mom's house).  Overall, it was a good Christmas-kids didn't act up nearly as badly, and I didn't have any further meltdowns the rest of the day.  I think it helped to have Kim's babies around..I usually just grab one and let them be my surrogate.

Kim and I went shopping with the babies the day after Christmas-didn't find much, tho.  Not that it was sold out, they just didn't have much left from before Christmas.  I got two packages of bulbs (cat's broke 6), and a few other little things that were on sale (perfumes, etc..).  We went to lunch after, then I called Alex and asked him to bring the girls to town w/ him when he went to work so I could pick them up then spent the rest of the evening out at Kim's house.  I know she appreciates the company (and help with the babies-the newness has worn off for Donald-he doesn't do much with them now), and I appreciate the distraction (for my mind, and for the girls).

Kaitlynne's having a lot of trouble getting along with children right now, and I'm not sure why, exactly.  Some of it's on her part, some on the other kids' part.  It's hard to watch your child get left to the side time and again...I know part of it is she is having some trouble (might have to adjust the med I just had adjusted) with her behaviors...I don't know.  My instinct is to protect her first and foremost...but it's not looking like I can.  Like today, after a big event, I kept her inside w/ me and played Candyland with her.  We played about 6 games when I told her I had to cook dinner.  She begged to go outside w/ the other kids...even after they were all so mean to her.  She desperately wants to play with the other kids, even if it means she gets her feelings hurt time and again...that just kills me.  I told her to go ahead, but not to come back in 5 minutes later.  As far as I know, it was uneventful outside.  Girls came back about 1/2 later, had to adjust a certain blonde's meanass attitude she got from her cousin, then they did ok.  Kaitlynne came out and watched tv w/ me, Katie played in her room watching tv. 

Alex and I have spoken about moving to town at the end of the year, but that pisses me off, too.  How dare they drive us away out here!  This is NOT their property, and neither are we.  I'm tired of the bitchy mother, nitpick ass father, and two meanspirited kids...and yep, that's Alex's family I'm talking about.  I hate saying that about his family, but I'm saying it as a neighbor to a neighbor more then anything.  I'm praying that his father gets our bigger home out here and then we'll fence it in.  Keep all others OUT. 

Tomorrow's Kaitlynne's speech appt, and then my ultrasound.  I'm terrorified.  The closer it gets, the more scared I get.  Tho I have no reason to think anything is wrong (pregnancy has been ok thus far), I have every reason to think something's wrong...I know, doesn't make much sense if you haven't been down the road I've been on.  I want to think that after hearing good news tomorrow, I'll be fine.  I doubt I'll be fine til this baby's born, grown, and I'm gone.  Kids..argh..gotta love em (since we're having 12, right honey?).

I guess that's all for now...might write more later...my mind's sort of jumbled right now.  Fighting hormones and kids...

So far...

We haven't left yet to go to all the places we have to go, so I'm relaxing for a few before we do.  We went to my brother's yesterday and had a really good time (they made mexican-my favorite).  We had mom with us, and Petey's brother and his family were there, we all opened gifts, played on the 4-wheelers of Petey's brother, etc...  Kids had a great time (still amazed that Santa knows where Ocklawaha is, too..lol), as did we.  Alex and I got a gift card to Olive Garden (with free babysitting) from my mom, a Gizmo (electric can-opener..I'm SO happy..LOL), and I got a bath set.  I feel like such an ass, on the way home I said something like, "The bath set smells good, but I don't have a bathtub to use it with" (ours is really small, and I'm not..lol).  Anyway, that was one of the gifts Alex got me this morning, too.  A really nice set, mostly for the shower tho.  I felt so bad, cuz he thought I wasn't going to like it.  I LOVE bath/shower stuff!  I don't know, I got really upset thinking I hurt his feelings.  I tried to explain that it doesn't matter if he wrapped up a pretty rock he found outside--no one before him ever put thought into getting me anything ever....and he battled Walmart 2 days ago for me!  I cried and cried, I just felt so bad...I'm close to crying now just thinking about it.  We cried together last night over Marissa...which, now that I've typed it, I'm crying again...  I think some of the tears this morning were for her...the proverbial 'empty spot'.  It's not fair.  Last Christmas I was annoyed at the girls' attitudes, but I was very pregnant, and knew we'd have another little gal sitting there-probably pitching a fit-next Christmas.  Guess I was wrong on that one...

Anyway, I got sidetracked..I'm having a really hard time today, much harder then I thought.  We did have fun at Scott and Petey's, tho.  We got them a flexi-lighter thing (they loved that), some apple-scented candles, and really cool margarita glasses.  We got mom slippers, a Jr. calendar, a tshirt with a babygirl angel on it, a Jr. notepad, and the book 'Chicken Soup for the Grandmother's Soul'.  She liked it all, spent a good deal of time looking at the calendar..lol.  I can't remember all what the girls got...Scott/Petey got them little bags that havebody glitter and lotion in them and a pack of necklaces each;  mom got them each little dollhouses w/ accessories, a pack of jewelry, coloring books...and a couple of other things I can't think of.  This morning, Santa brought them each a big art pack,  more coloring books and new crayons, socks/panties, Hello Kitty stuff, and stockings full of candy and lip glosses.  Alex got me, as I said, a beautiful bath set that came with a really pretty basket and a collectible tin (eeyore on it) of cookies.  I got him an electric shaver, FSU fuzzy dice, and one of those games you plug right into the tv and play (has football and hockey).  His brother came over earlier from next door and we exchanged our gifts.  I got 3 really pretty candles and a pack of little candy things.  Alex got Rollercoaster Tycoon (which I will be "sampling" later..LOL).  Girls each got cloth purses that had bubble baths in them..really cute.  They're using the purses to carry all their lipglosses.  We got them a pack of the apple candles, too, and got their kids a table-top air hockey table (plays 4-so they can all play).

Anywho...I'm kind of glad I stopped in here.  I needed to get it out about Marissa (I know, the day's far from over), and tell Alex yet again how much I love him, thank him for making Kaitlynne and I's Christmas's better then they ever have before, and, as he told me this morning, my gift comes every day of the year when I wake up with my best friend by my side.

I'll write again later or tomorrow.  Above are pics from Scott/Petey's yesterday.  God bless all, Merry Christmas.

***I just remembered something else.  Prince (my brother's dog) was neutered over a year ago.  We took Blackie over with us yesterday, and she (and their other dog, Lucky) is in heat!  Well, Prince should have no sex drive at all (he was castrated-sack is empty).  Well...he went after her all day and they got TIED TOGETHER!!!!!!  That is NOT supposed to happen!!!!!!  So we're all in shock, and now wondering if he's able to get her pregnant again...guess we'll know soon enough @@***

Baby's 1st Christmas

I'll update about Christmas Eve and tomorrow on another post.

To our angel, Marissa...you've been with me everyday...holding my hand, keeping me strong.  It's been hard to hold the tears in today, watching the kids play and laugh, opening gifts, giving hugs and kisses...  You should be here in more then spirit, and I'm fighting hard to remain positive.  I know you care for your little brother/sister up there with you...and cradle the little miracle in me in your ever-strong little arms.  As bad as my heart aches to know you...hold you...I thank you for the many wonderful people you brought to my life, and I thank you for letting me be your earthly mommy for 9 months, and your angel mommy forever.  You and I are both in good company...until we see you again, Merry 1st Christmas, our sweet angelgirl~~~with so much love:  Mommy, Daddy, Kaitlynne, & Katie.

Busch Gardens

We got to the park at 915a (opened at 930), so we got to park right up front.  We visited every dang thing, walked everywhere (our legs are still hurting today).  We got lucky and it seemed everytime we got to an animal exhibit it was feeding time, which was really cool to see.  The Haunted Mansion 3-D was a neat theatre show...one of those where the seats move, water comes out of the screen, etc...  There was this one part where it's supposed to be rats running lose, and air shoots out from under the chairs to feel like them running by..both of the girls about crapped themselves, it was hillarious.  The girls both agreed to go on the 'kiddie' coaster with Alex...Kaitlynne flat-out cried when she got off of it, Katie tried to be big and bad for daddy, but in the end-she wouldn't ride anything else either..lol.  Anywho, we had a great time...kids, for the most part, did very well.  We got back to Ocala and had dinner at Denny's then came home.  I got on here for a little bit, but crashed quick, I was so tired.  I usually can hold out until Alex is ready, but I didn't even hear him come to bed.

Above are pics from yesterday (I took 70, kept 54, but promise not to bore y'all with all of them):

1 & 2)  The monkey's on the monkey.

3)  Alex and the girls on the train (in the tunnel-they were sure something was about to happen).

4)  If you feel like enlarging this one, do it..it's so funny!  This is the 'after' pic from the kiddie-coaster.

5)  The girls on an airplane ride.

6)  This was cute, an elephant came out from rolling in the hay (literally), and another elephant chased after him and ate the hay off his back.

7)  The girls with Santa.

8)  My fav pic :)  Myself, Alex, Kaitlynne, and Katie in front of the flamingos. 

9)  This was funny, too.  Took a pic w/ a Clydesdale;  Alex and Kaitlynne were laughing because as soon as they got posed, the horse bent over to sniff Katie's hair..lol!

10)  Feeding time at the lion's den..he came right up to the glass by us to see his trainer walk by.

11)  Alex and the girls feeding the turtles.

12)  Mr. Croc came over to say hi, too.

 

Gracie Noelle

Ok, wanted to make sure it was ok to post the pics..lol.  Miranda had her little girl on Monday at 744am.  Gracie Noelle was 7lbs 8oz, 21 inches long.  Above are some pics:

1)   Miranda and her little one.

2)  Myself, my daughter, and Gracie.

3)  My daughter holding Gracie, Miranda's son Kristiaan standing next to her.

4 & 5)  Little Gracie Noelle :)

6)  Miranda holding Gracie while Kristiaan looks on.

We're headed off to GA tomorrow to get Katie.  Alex's schedule DID get changed!  No more 3am shifts!  Soooo happy! 

Baby's been moving like crazy tonight-not super strong yet, but I'm looking forward to them, even if they hurt!  Everyone keeps saying boy...Tina, Mom, Jen, few others from the boards.  I still say girl...we'll find out in a couple of weeks, I guess :)

Went to the dollar store today to get the last minute stocking stuffer things...people are so rude this time of year, it's unreal.  I'd rather battle them there, tho, then at Walmart...ugh.  Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I was about to go off thinking 'now what', but it was Kim.  Donald had all the kids so she could go get his gift w/out him being there (she tried to go earlier, but the babies were crying).

That's about all for tonight...kinda worn out, and not really much else to say.  I hope you feel better soon, Jen!!  *hugs*

So sleepy..but heart's a pumpin' strong :)

Just a quick entry.  Kaitlynne got up at 3am this morning and never went back to bed..and made sure we were all pretty much up with her-needless to say, we're all not happy campers.  She's asleep, I HAD to take a nap a little earlier, Alex and I are just relaxing now.  We're going to get Katie on Saturday, then Sunday we're going to my brother's for Mexican dinner, then Monday we're going to Busch Gardens (small glitch w/ the Disney plans, we figured this would be better in the long run anyway).  It's looking like hopefully Alex's other brother will be working graveyard shift at the hotel soon (probably just on the busy days, and hopefully starting tomorrow), so he won't have to do that crappy 3am shift.

Got our layaway the other day...lady asked if we had twin girls, I said no, just two 8 year olds between us (bought 2 of everything..lol).  Alex's dad called and wanted to know what the girls wanted.  Told him Bratz or Barbies-he said he wants to spend more $$ then that on them, gave the ideas HE had (I was like are you KIDDING me??..LOL).  It made the brothers' uncomfortable because their dad only does it once in awhile-I just go w/ the flow on it (learned that from dealing w/ my dad..never consistent)...it's the thought that counts.  He wants us all together for Christmas dinner, too, but one brother is saying he will absolutely NOT go because of one of the other brother's being there.  I know every family has their crap..but I just find it really sad that the crap can't be forgotten for one day...

For today...we took Kaitlynne to her speech appt, then to my doc appt.  Our OB had to leave at the last second to do a delivery (happens w/ him alot, part of the job..lol), so we had the option of staying and waiting for 45m-to an hour, or seeing his assistant.  We saw his assistant, since this was a quick routine visit anyway.  I haven't gained any further weight (tho I'm definately popping), bp was good, and the heartbeat was in the 140's!  Kaitlynne got to hear it this time, she was standing by Alex whispering, "Is that the heart?" over and over, was cute :)  I had the option to get the u/s early next week, or wait until the week after-I chose the week after, so 2 weeks from now (I'll be 18 weeks, and assuming little one cooperates, have a really good chance at seeing gender-tho mommy is saying girl..lol).

That's it for tonight, I'm sure I'm missing something, but my brain is foggy tonight... (no comment from the peanut gallery).

OMG!

Ok it's 12:53 now, just 1 minute ago, as I was saying my goodbye's and I love you's to Alex for him to come home, it happened....I FELT THE BABY!!!!  I had tiny flutters today and I wasn't sure if that's what it was...but sitting here it went BAM!  Like getting flicked on the belly from the inside!  Happened twice afterwards!  OMG-it's an amazing feeling every time, and I'm just about to bawl!!!!!  I was getting a little worried because I figured with my third child, I should be feeling it a little sooner.  Today is 16 weeks, right on the nose!  Alex was like 'go get your baby hearing thing' (baby beat from Target-sucks..LOL), I said I tried last night and nothing.  I have an OB appt tomorrow, so they'll listen.  So very cool!

On a side (very important) note...I got the ornament in the mail today from Gretchen.  The thing is big! About 6 inches long!  And just GORGEOUS!  I told Gretchen that the hair color on the ornament is EXACTLY the same color as Marissa's hair was!  It's on our tree, right next to the little angel we got for her, and underneath our mama angel :)  I'll have a pic tomorrow (hopefully my old camera can get a good pic).

*HUGS* to Gretchen for "listening" to me as I typed like a mad woman just now...I had to yell at her cuz the baby moved..LOL!!!!  I have more to tell about today, but this entry deserves to be as it is.

A quickie *smile*

Just a quick entry... Alex and I have a kid-free night, so we went to the dollar store w/ my brother (always a trip-only people I know who can spend 75 dollars at a store where everything's a dollar), then we went to Golden Corral for dinner, then walked around Wal-mart (they had FSU and Dale Jr baby outfits on clearance S0 CUTE, so I got them, and finished up a little Christmas shopping).

I wanted to share something w/ you all.  A good friend from the February '05 kids board got something for us last night, and I was just crying when I saw it.  She says she feels Marissa works thru her..and that this item was a gift from Marissa and herself.  It's just perfect!  ***HUGS Gretchen*** I still can't thank you enough, but I promise not to get all sappy on you again...lovun's!!!  The above picture is the item-it's an ornament, made of clay.  It's amazing...

Not much else to say for now, I guess.  My brother had planned that we would all spend Christmas weekend out there with him (cooking mexican food on the eve, and our turkey on the day), but now I'm not sure...we have to visit friends and some of Alex's family, too.  Have to figure this all out.  Can't think of much else to say for now, tho I'm sure there's more.  Until next time...

<Putting Santa's helper shoes on>

I hadn't updated in a few days because something happened (financially) that just threw us for a HUGE loop.  It was really looking like NO Christmas for our family this year, and I was so depressed.  Not that the girls need alot or are even asking for much, but we had really hoped to do our Disney trip.

So, Alex and I got to hounding the people that owed us money, and today I bypassed the JERK-off who had originally "helped" us, and went over his head to the girl he mentioned.  He had said it was her fault we didn't get out money yet.  So, I called her...she had no idea who I was or what I was talking about.  No big surprise there.  I explained to her that we had used our savings to get the truck, and this check that we were waiting for was our Christmas money.  She was VERY helpful, said she would go to JERK-off's office and find out paperwork and call me back.  She called back in 5 minutes, said she found it all and would have our check to us by the end of the week!  We're soooooooo relieved!!!!!!  So now we can breathe a sigh of relief and know that we're back on track again :)

We went to the Christmas parade last Saturday, and something happened this year that has never happened before.  Someone stole one of our spots we marked off.  I've NEVER had anyone mess with anything before.  These people were so brasen they MOVED our cone and caution tape over, and just parked there (like DUH, did they not think we'd park next to them???).  When we got there, some old lady was running OVER the cone to take our last spot!  We made her move, and I was SO angry at the dipshits next to us.  I thought at first I would have a few choice words for them, then decided I didn't want to ruin the parade for Kaitlynne, so when she wasn't looking, I took a full bottle of coke and a leftover glass of pepsi and dumped them both in their truckbed.  Mature?  No....  Did I feel better??  Damn skippy, especially when the dipshits DID show up and got ticked cuz they couldn't sit in the bed cuz it was sticky :)  Hormones, gotta love em.  Scott and Pete didn't show anyway (no big surprise).  They went and traded their last car (just got a Durango a month ago, and told us finally they put 4 grand down on it, and payments of 600/month) and got a new truck (2000 down, payments almost800/month!!!!).  They pissed me off, tho, cuz they harassed us to take over their car payment.  I told them over and over NO, we don't want another payment.  They got pissy.  They did show up and show us the truck at midnight, tho.  I could NOT get over the money part of it.  The payments for that, the durango, the house, the utility trailor...no way in HELL would I be happy about all that!!  I guess they got mad that I wasn't thrilled for them, cuz when I walked to get the mail today I saw 2 Burger King cups (they had eaten there that night), and a ton of cig butts at the end of the driveway.  Whatever...sheesh....  BTW, the parade was not as good this year...I like seeing the Clydesdales and the car clubs...neither this year.

Stayed in my pj's all day yesterday, and have the same planned for today :)  Cleaned house yesterday and put up out tree last night (cat's now sleep in the comp room and backporch at night cuz they try to undecorate the tree..lol).

Can't think of much else going on right now.  Might update more later if I think of anything :)

Thoughts escaping...

I just have to get this out...I've been thinking about a couple of different things alot lately.  For the gals trying so hard to conceive that might read this, PLEASE don't think that I'm not ever so grateful to be given yet another chance to bring another little one into the world.  One of the things on my mind lately is how I almost feel a twinge of animosity towards this pregnancy (NOT the baby)...I should be preparing to enjoy Christmas with my 8 year old AND my nearly 10 month old daughters.  Thanksgiving was ok to get thru, but when looking in the closet the other day, I found a pink 'Babys 1st Christmas' stocking I bought for Marissa...it's not fair that I have to spend every waking second worrying about whether or not I'll be betrayed again and lose another baby.  It's all just not fair...

The other thing that's been bothering me is this.  I've been asked by 3 different friends now when I want a babyshower.  I told them, in not so many words, I don't need another shower.  I just HAD a shower for Marissa.  I said they could plan a girls lunch out one day if they wanted to.  Only things we don't have are big things like a crib, a bouncy seat, things like that.  That's not what bothers me, tho...what I'm having a really hard time with is thinking of putting another baby in outfits we got for Marissa.  Toys we got for her....carseat, stroller, etc...  I know how ridiculous that might sound to some, afterall they're all new items, waiting to be used.  But I feel so guilty...like I'm taking them from her or tossing her memory aside...I don't know how to explain it really.  I've yet to unpack anything baby related.  I can't even buy anything baby related.  We look quite often at the store now, but I just can't do it.  I just keep saying "I hope we get to keep this little one"...

That's all for now, I just needed to get that out there.  Again, I know there are gals who read this who have lost and are trying so hard to get pregnant again and I don't want you to think what I've said or felt is horrible or that I'm not thankful-I am.  But same as you feel that you shouldn't be having to try so hard to get pregnant again and you should be enjoying the babies you never got to keep...same as I feel, too.  Seeing 2 lines on the pregnancy test is just a small step in a very long, very hard journey of fear, hope, faith, mourning for the little one lost, praying for the little one coming. 

Enough for me for now.  Kaitlynne's staying overnight w/ my mom tonight, and Alex and I are going to Winghouse with his brother to watch PPV Wrestling.  Toodles to all.

Something shiny & trees galore :)

Last night Alex finally gave me my engagement ring.  He asked me the third day we were together and every day since then, but when it came to giving me my ring (which we got awhile ago), he kept telling me he had never "proposed" to anyone in that way before and just wanted me to go put it on.  I said I wasn't getting married again after him, so I wanted it done the right way this time...lol.  So, last night in bed (and yes, I'll leave it at that as far as details :X) he gave me my ring and asked me to take him forever *smile*.  I thought it was really sweet, he was chucklin the whole time cuz he was nervous, which I thought was cute...  These aren't the rings we had originally planned, but we're going to get those with tax money.  It was either take the girls to Disney for Christmas or get our rings..so we got these, which are very cool.  Mines a set, his is a spinner-band.  Mine was too big (his will be too, probably), so we put some cotton tape on the back (Walmart was out of ring sizers).  We're both kinda giddy about it..dunno about a date, still working out the kinks on all further details.

When we were at Kim's mom's yesterday, Alex was *kind* enough to offer my services w/ the truck to get Kim and Donald's Christmas tree back to their house.  I told them if Donald would fix Alex's tail-lights then we'd be even.  Well, we picked up mom to go to lunch, then we met them at Walmart to get their tree.  What started out as one tree, turned into 3 trees...theirs, her sisters, and her mothers.  :(  I was a little annoyed (from her sister, to her mom, then wayyyyyyy out to their house..not a quick trek), but they've done alot for me and mine, so I did it.  I kept mom with me and we stayed at Kim's for a couple of hours.  Then Donald said he'd keep all the kids while Kim made the *quick* trip to Walmart to put a go-kart on layaway for the boys' Christmas present.  We had to go to Walmart anyway, so we met her there.  It turned into a 2 hour ordeal for her to get it (it was horrid, f'n idiots working there).  I stayed w/ her cuz I felt bad...she was getting mad at the workers, and Donald was calling every 2 seconds yelling at her and her babies were yelling in the background (which got her upset more). 

Anywho, she finally got it done, then I went to find mom.  I picked up dinner from deli, dropped mom off at home, then went with Kaitlynne and had dinner w/ Alex at the hotel.  Long-ass day, to say the least.  We both agreed wholeheartedly that we are NOT going ANYWHERE tomorrow.  We're goin to piddle around the house, put up our Christmas tree (oh yes we are, Alex....LOL), and VEGETATE!  Sunday, my mom is keeping Kaitlynne overnight so we can go to wrestling ppv at Winghouse. 

Guess that's about it...that's enough!  Whole week has been nonstop and I'm TIRED!

Happy Turkeyday :)

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving...we did.  Went to Kim's mom's house, whole gang was there.  Took a little longer for the food to get done then planned, but it was delicious.  We told Donald that we'd meet them in town tomorrow to carry their Christmas trees from Walmart home in our truck, if he would fix Alex's tail lights on his car..so it's a deal (seeing as Alex got pulled over twice in 3 days this week..once for his lights, once for speeding--no tickets either time, thank God).  I put some pics above:

1)  Josh after I put him in his carseat cuz he had fallen asleep on me..notice how he's holding hands w/ his toy dog, I thought that was so cute.

2)  Austin asleep on his Grandma.

3)  Josh after sampling pumpkin with his Aunt Helen.

4)  Kim in the kitchen after dinner, lookin' a little stoned (we'll just call it "sleep deprivation"..LOL).

5)  Kirsten with a toothpic hanging out of her mouth..it's impossible to get a pic of her.

6)  Kaitlynne playing the gameboy, looking pretty tired herself.

7)  Austin (or atleast most of him)...he was on my lap just grinning away, so I got the best pic I could..so cute. 

So, Happy Thanksgiving to all.  I wanted to tell Alex that I love him very much and I'm thankful to have him in my life.  To my darling Kaitlynne, tho it's rough some days to be your mommy, I wouldn't trade it for anything..I love you much, Bubbalou.  Lovin's to my family and friends out there.

Just a quick update for the day..

Took Kait to her speech appt, and asked that they change it to one session a week, rather then 2 small sessions.  The constant driving is taking a toll on me, and I'm sure Kaitlynne.  We're always in the truck.  I want to concentrate more on her schooling, and it's hard to do that when we're on the go.  The lady said she would call the insurance and try to get it ok'd.  I already cut her counseling sessions down to twice a month-she's been showing some improvement (other then the hands-on-hips attitude, but that's more her age than anything else), so the counselor and I both felt cutting back would be ok.  I also got to do something that I've never gotten to do before, and I credit the homeschooling for this.  I got to ask for a decrease in meds.  Partially because she had a very mild slur at times, but also because she seems more relaxed now. We'll see how it works, I'm starting the new dose tomorrow.  I also took Kait to the duckpond and fed the ducks goldfish-she got a big kick out of that.  The ducks were biting each other on the rears for goldfish-I thought Kait was goin to wet herself from laughin so hard.

Tomorrow is another speech, then stop at Walgreens for more meds (for her ear-got another ointment).  Then hopefully DONE for awhile.  We've got turkey day with Kim and them Thursday, Friday we *might* adventure out for a sale or two (last year was HELL, so we're not sure yet), Saturday nothing (ahhhhh yes), and Sunday is PPV at the Winghouse (woot).  Get the following week over with, and Alex and I can take a big breath of relief (he knows what I mean). 

I had it out w/ his sister-in-law today.  I had made mention before about his nephew, who lives next door, being just horrible.  He kicks our doors, yells crap thru them (at me, no less, not just Kaitlynne), or just walks in and goes to the fridge cuz he owns the place *eyeroll*.  Anyway, I heard his SIL yell from here at Kaitlynne, saying she's the reason I'm always mad at Josh, he does nothing wrong, Kait just lies to me about it and gets him in trouble.  I was like holy shit!  I ran over there and made it quite clear WHY Josh was not allowed at our home, and WHY I thought it best that Kaitlynne not spend so much time with him.  She pretty much said everything he does to me and her is because 'he's autistic'.  A month ago she was telling me she thought that diagnosis was wrong...I'm POSITIVE it is.  He's got HUGE anger issues-he's destroyed his room (literally, gaping holes in the walls, etc), threw rocks at our car for not letting him in to the fridge, flips the bird when Kait looks at him.  So yeah, her telling him she didn't want to play with him today (she was playing w/ his sister and her saying that to him is what caused his mom to go off on her) doesn't surprise me...I wouldn't want to, either.  She tried to say my kid is over there slipping toys in her pockets all day long.  I told her she must be mistaken, Kait did have a toy in her pocket one day, I made her take it directly back over there, and she hasn't been in there house hardly at all since...we both tell the kids to play outside.  Anyway, it's all out in the open, and she said that since she hadn't heard him say anything to me or seen him kicking our door in repeatedly, that she can't verify it happened (yes, she chose not to believe another adult about it).  I thoroughly enjoy not having to pay rent/mortgage...I just wish this situation hadn't arisen.  It was supposed to be good that they kids had each other to play with...that's turning into a nightmare.  I admit my kids' faults, she looks everywhere else but home for the reason.  She sat there and said he screams at the top of his lungs at her and her husband, destroys the house, etc...but that it's all his 'autism'.  She's got quite the shocker coming to her when he's a little older, I'm afraid. 

I guess that's it, turned out to be more than a quick update, I guess.  Toodles.

Turkey Day...#1

We went to my brother's yesterday for an early Thanksgiving (his inlaws are here from Missouri).  We took mom, too, so she finally got to see Scott.  They had a big ole spread, was good food.  Alex, Mom, and I mostly watched Nascar (blah to Tony..and what a kick in the ass that Johnson crashes on this race of all races..there's always next year), everyone else was playing video games or outside.  We stayed until about 8, took mom home, then came home.  Alex is sitting here watching WWE that we taped from Friday with the dogs (we're dogsitting Prince), I'm just goofing on here...

Kaitlynne's rash on her ear is getting worse and appears to be spreading to inside her ear now, so apparantly the ointment doc gave me didn't work.  I'm going to call and make another appt for her next week (along w/ alllllll the other appts we have).  We're in town damn near everyday now..makes it rough on both of us, and to homeschool...we usually have to do it in the afternoon (when we're both tired), but it's still going well. 

We're spending Thanksgiving with my friend Kim and her family at her mom's house (something I do every year anyway, but usually after I've had my own dinner at my own house).  We're all making this our main meal.  I did buy a turkey, tho..figure I'll make it in a couple weeks when turkey sounds good to everyone again.  I could eat it everyday..LOL. 

Everything else is going pretty well.  I'll update more if I think of it.

I say tomato, he says tomatoe

We talked it out this morning, and he explained to me why he asked me why I was scared.  It boiled down to what a couple people said to me...and he agreed...he's a guy, and he can't understand what I went thru.  He says I shouldn't worry cuz Marissa's pregnancy was completely normal and nothing I could have done to prevent what happened...and I told him that that's the EXACT reason I am scared-cuz I know that even normal pregnancies give no guarantees.  Anywho, I wanted to apologize to him on here--he was hurt cuz he knows so many people read this and it made him appear like an ass.  Granted, the way he went about it (and the way I, in turn, went about it), sucked..but it's out in the open and taken care of now.

We did go to lunch today, and we did go together to the doctors office.  Doc started out right away saying we may not hear the heartbeat cuz I'm still fairly early (12 weeks) and I'm overweight.  Did the papsmear (yuck), and the nurse went to listen to the heartbeat and GOT IT LIKE RIGHT AWAY!!!!  Doc and Alex were talking football, and she stopped w/ the doppler and everyone looked at me and said, 'You heard right?'.  I said, 'NO, All I heard was football'..LOL.  So she did it again for me...in the 140's!  It was a HUGE relief...and yes, I'm still scared..but this appt in particular terrorified me.

Thanks for the hugs and well-wishes (and the couple of gals that were kind enough to remind me that guys don't always get us, and vice versa). 

Why am I scared?

I didn't expect him, of all people, to ask me why I'm scared.  Why am I acting 'like this' when I never acted this way when pregnant before.  I asked him if he had been with me the last year during the death of our daughter and a miscarriage shortly thereafter.  Of course he was...physically.  I thought he'd be the only person I could talk to about this...and not have to explain the 'why'.  The only person who I could cry to and he'd put his arms around me and tell me he loves me-and it'll be ok.  I can't explain the 'why'.  I shouldn't have to explain the 'why'.  I'm so scared at what the doctor will say tomorrow.  It seems whenever I see him, he's telling me my babies have no heartbeats.  I don't want Kaitlynne there just in case that is what happens...she was there when they told me about Marissa-and I wish she hadn't been.  I hadn't planned on going alone...don't want to go alone, but it's looking like I will be anyway.  Showing any sort of emotion has gotten me in the doghouse again.  I can't win.  Try being terrorified and having an extra few surges of hormones running thru you.  Doesn't matter.  I had planned a birthday lunch just the two of us...and to go see the doc hand-in-hand.  Looks like I needed a reality check-and I got one.

One of those days..

I stayed up to wait for Alex last night, then when he got home we talked for a couple hours...finally fell asleep around 3am, I guess.  I had to get up early cuz Kait had speech today (and tomorrow..and yes, my dumbarse is still awake..lol).  Went there, stopped and saw Scott and Pete at the hotel they were working at, then came home.  Kait and I came in to do schoolwork, and I decided just to 'test' her (sort of) to see how she'd do with other multiplication.  I gave her problems using 1-9 (I've only taught her up to 3, but I gave her method).  I have to say, I am SO proud of her!  Out of 24 problems, she only missed 6 (and they were just simple addition errors)!  She just used the method I've given her for the other ones!  :*)  It's so amazing to see progress..and know that I had a part in a little mind learning it.  I've had so many doubts about the homeschooling, but one mom said to me, "YOU taught her to walk, YOU taught her to talk, YOU taught her to get dressed and tie her shoes...who better to teach her the rest?".  She's right...how can I find 2x2 daunting, when I taught a human being to walk and talk!  It's exciting, to say the least.

However, on the other end of the spectrum...I'm so nervous about the baby.  I have all the symptoms...but I'm just so nervous that it's all in my head.  Baby has passed away or something and I don't know.  It isn't fair!  I see other women (and girls) walking around so carefree, talking of buying baby items when they're just mere weeks along (I'm terrorified to buy anything more than what we have stored for fear of jinxing)...they're so excited, enjoying every moment.  I do thank God that I did have one of those *uneventful* pregnancies with my first.  Atleast I did get to enjoy it all, and have a healthy baby in the end.  I enjoyed Marissa's pregnancy as well, until the very end.  It's so scary, and I have no way of voicing it.  So much has gone on lately, that emotionally, I feel like I've been hit by a train.  I'm trying hard to keep it together, but it's so hard..I just want to curl into a ball and cry until I see the light again.  Yes, I'm sure it's partially hormones..I know it is.  But the fear-that's very real.  The emotional pain-very real.

That's enough for tonight...I really need to go lay down.  One last comment...results from Eddie Guerrero's autopsy were announced by his wife:  negative for drugs; his heart failed him due to damage done from the previous years of abuse.  So, to those who called yourself fans yet said trash such as needles were found in his room, or in his arm...rot in hell.  They have no reason to lie about how he died--his past drug and alcohol use was an open book.  Shame on you for trashing the memory of a man who worked hard to turn himself around.  Your slate's clean, big man...crank up the latino heat. 

 

Viva La Raza

Well, altho AOL couldn't see fit to even fit the death of such a great entertainer on their welcome page, Vince McMahon and the rest of the wrestling family did an awesome tribute.  I know Alex and I were teary-eyed pretty much before it started, and his coworkers (his family) were unafraid to show their heartbreak, too.

Prayers of healing to his family, friends, and fans.  Shame to those who call themselves any of the above, only to go around trashing his memory.  He worked hard to be where he was today...he fought the demons, and won.  Move on with your miserable lives.

Thank you, Eddie, for bringing excitement back into wrestling.  No one was more loved..or hated..as your character-you gave 110%, and that will never be forgotten.  God Bless.

Rest In Peace, Eddie

Your fans are in total shellshock...Alex and I are truly saddened.  You were so young, prime of your life after getting clean.  You inspired many, and entertained millions.  God Bless you and your family, Eddie Guerrero. 

Redemption

Should never had been something that had to be done to begin with, but I feel better that it's done nonetheless.  I think this time is it.  I hope, anyway.  I know why, now, anyway.  Not that it made me feel good to hear the truth...but atleast I heard the truth.   So many more important things in life then this stupid shit, and some of these stupid people.  Honestly, can some of them not read??  Or is it they're sure they can do a better job?  Pathetic.

We go to the doc next week.  I think that's part of the reason things came clean.  I'm scared shitless...he knows it, he is, too.  He finally saw how the game affected me...I think, anyway.  We saw a blanket at Walmart today...finally had one with Eeyore on it.  He told me to get it, if I wanted to.  We've been buying little things here and there before we actually found out we were pregnant again...but since we've found out we are, I'm scared of jinxing it.  I told him I'd come back for the blanket maybe after this week's visit.

Things aren't ok...but I'm hoping they will be.  I really want to believe that my point was received loud and clear.  That the game is, indeed, over.  Knowing that you've gotten one person to love you, want your children, want to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you should be prize enough.  Stalemate--no one wins.

Thank you

It's still early.  Alex is sleeping (I told him to go back to bed, he's got the late shift today), Kaitlynne decided taking a bath was a good idea (aye yay yay). 

Anyway, alot of thing compiled, we talked...and I believe what was told to me.  It felt...good, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, I know it's what's  going on.  Well, I should say a small part of me says there's a tiny bit of enjoyment (not sexual) involved.  Anywho, I just wanted to say 'thank you'.  Honesty goes a VERY LONG way with me.  Even if it hurts, I'd rather know the truth then be treated like a g'damn fool.  Lying never works anyway, I always am aware of my surroundings (including my home, my family, and my friends....I know....you hide it, I find out about it....you can kiss it g'bye.  I know things now about some and they don't think I do...which is ok.  Goes around, comes around).

Probably doesn't make much sense, but I won't go into great detail.  Those involved will know what I'm talking about...and those are the only ones who really need care about it anyway.

Thinking I'll take my mom to Golden Corral today (MAYBE).  Since it's Veteran's Day, all veteran's eat free (she's an ex sergeant in the Air Force).  Anyway, I'm hoping for brighter days.  The last few haven't been easy, and it's taken it's toll.  I have more important things to be concerned with-and I shouldn't have to stop to take out the trash.

I love you, Alex.  I love you, Kaitlynne.  I love you, Marissa.  I love you, angelbean.  I love you, jellybean.

Again...

I had an appt yesterday at the ob.  It was just supposed to be me seeing his nurse to give background info, but I told her I wasn't feeling too good again, so she tested my urine.  Sure enough, yet another UTI.  So, I had to go back in the afternoon to see the doctor, who gave me a script for it.  I also asked him about putting me on antibiotics for the duration of the pregnancy to prevent these (I've had one pretty much the entire time so far..my first trimester..and I have felt horrible), and he agreed.  I go for my first official visit with him next Thursday.  I'm scared (I know...I always am...put yourself in my shoes and tell me you wouldn't be) that he won't be able to find the heartbeat.  A gal on the May board just lost her 7th little angel (she's just past 12 weeks).  My heart breaks for her, also scares me..you think you're doing good getting to that point, yanno.  *HUGS* Emily, if by chance you read this.  I am so very sorry :*(

Alex did go with me yesterday.  We ran errands today.  A huge breakthrough (in my eyes) happened today, and tho I can't honestly say that I believe 100% things promised, the first part meant alot (tho it hurt to hear) to me.  I have to hope that what was promised will be done.  And this will be done, period.  I just don't feel it, but maybe I'll be wrong.  I'd love to be wrong on this topic...

Kaitlynne's homeschooling is doing well.  She's learning cursive writing, and she's pretty much got her multiplication 0,1, & 2's down.  About time to move on.  She seems to be really enjoying it.  Only have issues w/ attitude when she spends any time w/ Alex's niece and nephew next door, but I've limited that time a great deal.  I'm hoping to get her into Girl Scouts so she can have socialization with other children.  I was going to do cheerleading at the YMCA, but the price was NUTS!  She has so many appts now, and now my appts are starting..it's like we're in town all day, every day. 

Anyway, that's enough for now.  I know a few of you have emailed/IM'd with concern, and believe me, I do appreciate it.  I'm sure some might have an idea what I mean with past entries, some may not....what it is isn't important to anyone else not involved, but I'd like to say *HUGS* and thank you for all the prayers...they're definately needed and welcomed.

What if...

I've been sitting here all night, not talking to anyone but Kaitlynne.  Now, as she's been sleeping for 2 hours, I've been sitting here staring at the screen.  I've got myself totally convinced that there will not be good news tomorrow...just seems to be the way the week is heading.  I'm so scared, and I have no one to talk to about it.  Mostly because I just don't feel like talking to anyone about it, I guess.  The one I want to talk to about it, I can't.  Hurts too bad.  Atleast no one's here to witness the hormonal mess crying at the keyboard like an idiot.  No one.  I pray I'm wrong, I wish this whole week could start over.  Alot of things could start over, with me knowing now what I didn't know then.  Probably wouldn't make a difference, tho.  People will do as they do, things will happen as they happen...I can't stop them.  I can't stop anything.  Powerless.  Hurt.  Scared.  Alone.

Fixed...and broken...

I got a call yesterday from my "contact" from the insurance company that all had been fixed (heard that a million times before)...however, this time it really is fixed.  I go to my appt tomorrow, which is good because I'm sick as a dog and having pains that worry me.  But..it's fixed.

Rest of my day has been...humiliatingly hurtful and I won't go into it cuz I'm embarrassed to admit I mean so little...that the things I hold dearly are important only in my head.  The entrance to my heart used to be a priviledge when I was younger.  Then somewhere along the way it turned into simply a right, nothing that had to be earned, it was just given.  Well, no one cares about 'rights'. Rights are taken for granted...abused.  The pain is worse than a punch in the stomach..but who cares.  It's a right to do these things.  I'm a business arrangement...a doormat.  No point in making this longer...I could talk until I'm blue in the face, dehydrated from the tears cried...and my voice, my feelings..go unheard.  I've taken a number in the line of many.  I'm done.  I'm broken.

Yep

I've got a cold, my insurance is still screwed up so I have no idea who I can see now and who I can't, and the past is repeating itself in other areas.  Endless lies that hurt only me...same shit, different day.  Sorry it's not an uplifting post...guess I'm just not feeling it today...or yesterday...or maybe even tomorrow.  Screw it.

No, I didn't forget...I'll never forget...

I told everyone you went this year as an angelgirl...you'll go every year as an angelgirl.  Forever pure...innocent.  I know you were with me tonight, you're always with me when I'm in a situation that would normally be hard and remind me that I don't have you in my arms.  You always remind me I have you in my heart.  I would have loved to have had a picture of you on here, all dolled up...but there's no camera on earth that could capture the beauty God has given you now.  We love you, Marissa.  "See you on the other side"

Happy Halloweenie!

Haven't updated in a few days...let's see, last Thursday we FINALLY got rid of our Impala and got a '04 Explorer Sport-trac..pretty damn spiffy! 

Kait's homeschooling is going along pretty well--and I'm getting a bit more encouragement now that some have noticed how much calmer and relaxed she seems.  She gives me no trouble with it, either.  So far, so good.

Kait and I went to Tina's for a few today so they could see her dressed up for Halloween (she was a Cheetah girl).  We then went out trick-or-treating with Kim and her crew, her 2 sisters, and a couple of their kids.  Was a good time, tho we got started a bit late (babies had to be fed).

Anywho, I'm puttin pics in this entry, too.  They're of our home, land, new vehicle, Kait in her cheetah outfit, our kitties (all 3 of em) sleepin on the chair in the computer room, the babies (baldie is Austin, hairy is Josh..LOL), and a pic of Kim's mom cat that had his head stuck in a cup on the counter..LOL.

That's enough for tonight..I'm really tired.  Say a little prayer for when I call the doc tomorrow mornin to see if the insurance is FINALLY fixed as EVERYONE is promising me.  If not, I have to go to Shands in G'ville..and I really don't want to if I can help it.  G'nighters all, stay safe.

Lights, Rides, but no Luka

We went to the carnival today.  Had quite a bit of fun, but I forgot my camera :(  We went with Kim, Donald, her 4 kiddos, her 2 sisters, and 3 of their kids (plus 2 neighbor kids, AND Alex's brother and his kid..real crowd..LOL).  I felt so bad while I was there, hard to enjoy anything.  Lot of back pain and cramping on one side (wasn't something I thought was m/c related, tho...will talk about that in a sec).  I made a HUGE breakthrough today--I held the babies!  I saw one of them was waking up...and I leaned over and asked Kim if I could hold him.  She kinda looked shocked, asked if I was sure I wanted to, I said sure.  So, I held him..and fed him.  Held the other little man after that.  It was surprising, because it didn't depress me at all...they're so precious.  I'm a little saddened now, thinking back on it...but I know my little ones were there with me, helping me to enjoy my time with them.  Above is a pic of Kaitlynne's face painting-it was so cool out today I got it for her cuz I knew it wouldn't melt.  I wish I had had the camera...get some more pics of everyone later, tho.

Anywho, the pain I've been having...all kind of off and on for a few weeks now, but this pain in the side...it stayed for 3 days.  Alex and I finally decided to go to the ER (I wasn't sure if I was just..uhm.."backed up"..gross, sorry..a very high threshold to pain prevented me from thinking too much of it until then..I was concerned, but not enough to go.), which was right next to the carnival..  When I get back there, I tell them I think it might be a UTI or something.  The symptoms were SO different then I've ever had, but it was all I could think of to cause that kind of cramping and lower back pain.  So, they tested my urine first.  4+ for protein..severe UTI.  So, they gave me a shot of antibiotics in my rearend (the padding didn't stop that from hurting a little bit..LOL), and a script for pills (same pills I was on for the last 4 months of my pregnancy w/ Marissa to prevent getting these things).  I'm hopin to feel good as new soon.  When we were leavin, we saw ambulances and cops everywhere in the parking lot we were in...we asked a cop what happened, he said some woman (found out later diabetic) lost control of her car, it came down backwards from the incline at the ER, across the street backwards, and into the parking lot, finally crashing into a minivan that was parked there.  Thank GOD no one was walking across the street-never would have seen her coming.  She was ok, probably a sore back/neck.  Guy came out from the ER to see his van-think your day's going bad enough then that!  We had to sit and watch for awhile cuz we were blocked in the parking lot.

Anywho, guess that's about it.  Homeschooling Kait, so far, is going pretty well.  I'm still scared and doubting myself so much-but I try to keep in mind WHY I'm doing it-it's all for her.  Tomorrow, all public/private schools are closed due to Wilma heading this way..told Kait she still has school, tho..LOL.

October 15th

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness day.  Please take a moment to visit the website below to see how you can help!  Also, please light a candle at 7pm (eastern) in rememberance of all little souls lost. 

~For our Marissa and her little brother/sister~

Lighting a candle may not seem like much to some, but to us, it reminds us everyday that altho you all aren't with us in body, your spirit is always near.  We know you both are watching over this little one we're trying so hard to bring into the world-and we thank you.  Losing you both has been the hardest thing we've ever had to go thru on an every-day basis, but it showed us how wonderful and caring people really can be.  We love you, little ones..and miss you..."See you on the other side"

Remembering Our Babies - Official Site of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day October 15th

Pics from Halloween Horror Nights

Here's some pics from Halloween Horror Nights..unfortnately, not all my really cool ones turned out (damn flash), so I'll get those from my brother.

Pic 1)  Alex and I in front of Margaritaville, with Hard Rock Cafe behind us.

Pic 2)  Alex and I in front of the #8 car/Nascar Cafe.

Pic 3)  Scott starting "Happy Hour"

Pic 4)  Petey, still claiming to be "designated driver"

Pic 5)  Me filming you filming me...

Pic 6)  Alex showing patience waiting to get in to Universal..

Pic 7)  Scott going thru the metal-detector (we were all so sure Petey's "piercings" would set the thing off, but they didn't..)..Les is on the right (their friend from Missouri)

Pic 8)  One of the 'creatures' wandering the park..

Pic 9)  The guys headin for The Hulk ride..I was designated stuff-holder

Pic 10)  This beyotch rocked!  They had cage gals all along this one section of the park shakin their thing above us all...this gal got down and posed for me.  Petey got jealous, had to go back until she posed for him, too..LOL

Pic 11)  Scott assuring his buzz will live on...he got so trashed...

Pic 12)  Petey 2 margarita's later saying "We don't have to leave for hours, a couple drinks won't hurt"  <hiccup> LOL

Pic 13)  They had this laser going across one huge section of the park with smoke and all...I'm surprised it showed up in a pic, but it looked awesome...

Pic 14)  This is the Goth-Queen...we followed her bat-cycle and got her to pose with us for a close-up pic.

I'll have more pics later when my brother emails his...that's it for tonight, just a quick update.  Oh, DSL is FINALLY workin...WHOOP!

The good news..and the great news :)

Well, as of yesterday, I'm officially divorced!  Only took me 2 years..LOL.  Larry didn't show (of course), which is good-get it done quick.  We had a good time at Halloween Horror Nights..it was hot during the afternoon at Downtown Disney, but got ok after that.  Wasn't as scary as I had hoped for, but was still fun.  I road the Jurassic Park water ride thing..that was really neat.  Other than that, I was the official 'wallet/loose objects' holder for the rest of them.

On to the other news *smile*.  We went down to get the ultrasound today.  I couldn't keep my bladder full for the tech, and had to go to the restroom before she called me back.  She was snotty saying she'd never see anything now, but "it's not your fault", she said *eyeroll*.  So, I lay on the table, staring at the wall (too scared to look at the monitor).  She tries the regular u/s first...she sighs and says, "I can't see anything, look at the monitor, can you see anything???" I look, and really start to freak out then...and I'm just about to cry, cuz I think she's telling me there's nothing to see (like last time).  We end up doing the transvaginal u/s, at which point she finally says, "Ok, I got it"..and tells me after that she's talking about the heartbeat...I remember saying, "Oh thank God" and really started crying then...she turned the monitor to me and showed me the little heart just fluttering away.  Beating at 121bpm, and I'm measuring 6 weeks, 4 days (just one day off the date from my period).  We're so happy, seeing the heartbeat is a huge obstacle to overcome!  *hugs* to my friends who were out there praying hard-the man upstairs took note! 

What does 7,327 mean to you?

I talked to Kim..poor thing started crying on the phone, I asked her what was wrong, she said one of her days..I said is everyone ok?  She said yes..I said then cry away, I know the feeling.  When she could talk, she just said she didn't realize how much she'd miss having an adult to talk to (tho it didn't bother her when she was preggo to be alone)...or how much she'd miss being able to get up and go out (I told her she'd be just fine in a couple of weeks when the babies could go out safely and she had the hang of it all).  Normal post-partum stuff, just times two..lol.  I told her I'd go spend a day w/ her like next week or something while the kids were in school.

We're goin to Halloween Horror Nights this Sunday.  Will be Alex and I, his brother Nick, and my brother and Pete., and a friend of their's from Missouri who's comin to visit.  I know Alex is excited, he didn't get to go last year-kind of a celebration for the DIVORCE BEING FINAL THIS COMING MONDAY...WHOOOOOOP! 

Ok, and for today's final and big announcement...some of you cyberfolks know already, but I had been waiting for any kind of news before I wrote it in here...the number for today...7,327...what does it mean to you?  To me, it means I'm am happily and healthy (thus far) at 6 weeks pregnant...that's my HCG level from Monday (nurse called today..I started crying cuz it's the first good news that OB's office has ever given me).  Ultrasound is scheduled for next week just to make sure all is well, but she said my number is great....one more small hurdle overcome.  Day-by-day...I can't visualize a happy ending..I can't visualize and ending, period, but I'm atleast a tiny bit hopeful...that's a start, right?

Just showin' a pic

Just wanted to show a pic of Kim and the boys.  They went home Friday (I gotta call to see how all are doing-wanted to give them a few days to chill).  We did go up to see them on Thursday, tho.  We didn't...more like couldn't...stay long.  Donald asked me to wash my hands so I could hold them-I said I didn't think so.  He said "You won't break 'em"..I said, "I'm more afraid they'll break me.".  He didn't get it-s'ok.  Alex was uncomfortable, too...he ended up walking out of the room shortly after we got there.

Anywho, all are well...been alot going on here on our end, too, but wanted this entry just to be to show a pic of the boys.  Oh, not identical either..can definately tell them apart (and not just from the big jump in size from Josh to Austin).  Both were 20 inches long, Josh born at 258pm and Austin at 304pm. 

Hey baby...x 2

Just a quick note to say Kim had her boys today..I was there, but missed it by half an hour (which is ok, only Donald was allowed back with her).  I'll have pics to put up tomorrow, but here's the stats:

*Joshua James (born first):  6lbs 12oz..lots of hair according to Mommy

*Austin Thomas (last but not least): 7lbs 15oz (you read it right..LOL)

All are well and she was able to deliver both naturally.  Will be going (with Alex) to see them tomorrow.  Wasn't comfortable being at the hospital, but I was able to go with Kim's sister to the viewing area of the nursery and see all the little babies.  I stayed about an hour, and left.  Was starting to want to be anywhere but there...probably helped that it wasn't the hospital I had Marissa at, too.

Anywho, that's enough for now..might right another entry later.  *Toodles*

 

Ahhhhhhhh

We're moved!  Thank God that's over with...altho I didn't do most of the lifting (Alex, Scott, and Pete rocked), it still whupped my arse.  We still don't have our gas tank filled, tho, but thankfully have enough electric kitchen gadgets to cook (and our water heater is electric..tho I didn't find this out until AFTER I took a cold shower..LOL).  So far I have the kitchen pretty much done, computer/game room done, Kaitlynne's room done, our room and living room are halfway done, and that just leaves the screened in porch that has bags on it.  We have a table out there, too, and our extra fridge/freezer.  It's turning out really nice. 

I put my notice in to work yesterday.  After making the trip once (it's 44 miles ONE WAY, and took me 1 hour and 15 minutes-and that's mostly interstate), I just knew it wasn't going to work.  I asked around for a closer position, but nothing was open at the moment.  So, gave my notice and got a email from the head of Human Resources saying she'd let me know when the new branches in Gainesville opened up and they'd hire me back on.  So, for now, I'm going to get back into Ebay.  Used to do pretty well with that, will be happy with just a little extra play $$ for us.

We're trying to figure out a day to go to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal next month...we're definately going (Alex missed it last year cuz I was preggo-gotta take him this year..LOL), just dunno when.  Scott and Pete said they'd like to go, too, and I'm sure Nick will go.

Kaitlynne had her first day at her new school today.  She really enjoyed it, and I was happy with the people I met thus far.  School is pretty new, too.  Everyone made it sound like it was in a bad neighborhood and slummy, but it's not at all.  I set it up for her to take the bus in the morning (school is 13 miles away-and this way I know for sure she'll be on time to eat breakfast-or it's their fault, not mine..lol), and I pick her up in the afternoon.  I took the 'back way' home today from the directions the woman at the office gave me-seemed quite a bit quicker and I didn't get lost..woohooooo..now if I can just find a dadgum grocery store!  Probably be Walmart when I'm in town tomorrow..lol.

Kim has her appt today to find out if the doc is going to induce her this week (that's what she's begging for..babies are in position, she's 38 weeks, and they're both 7lbs + already!), so goin to call her in a lil bit.

Well, guess that's it for now...going to try and get some more unpacking done in a little while.  ~Toodles~

Out of sorts

Been feeling really out of sorts lately.  I guess I'll chalk it up to moving in a couple days-so much going on, always so much to do.  I'll be glad when it's done and we're settled.  Could be something else, but won't get my hopes up about that...easier to be letdown when you're already there.  Scott and Pete will be helping us move, thank goodness...alot of heavy stuff to get in and out.  Luckily Alex can get a UHaul free from work...that will save some money.

We'll be getting married soon.  Alex picked out an engagement ring and designed it, as well as our bands.  That makes it mean so much more than it already does.  Me, the person who said never again to marriage, can't wait to be his wife.  I'm a very lucky woman. 

Kait got her interim report today-did fairly well...could be better, but all is passing and an S in conduct (she must save all the N stuff for me..lol).  She's excited about the move-I'm a little worried about the new school, but just have to see how it goes.

Alex is off for the next 4 days, can't wait.  I have to work Friday, but he's getting the truck then and is going to start moving stuff while I'm working.  My mom is keeping Kaitlynne overnight so she doesn't get hurt while we're moving.  Last glitch is to get our gastank put in and filled, which is happening Saturday.  Everything was such a pain in the ass to get done, but will be so worth it once we're in and settled....I keep saying settled, I know, but we're in a major limbo stage right now which sucks.  Stressful.

Kim is still 2 cm dialated.  She had another u/s today, and the babies are measuring at 7lbs each...she said the doc is 'leaning' towards inducing next week (tho he originally said he didn't want to do that-but Kim insisted).  Guess we'll see what happens.  I'm not looking forward to going to the hospital.  That's actually putting it mildly...I know it bothers Alex, too.  Too many bad memories for us.  I hope I can be a good friend and go...have to see what happens on that end, too.  She's kind of distanced-herself as of late...I'm guessing because my attitude haschanged some now that it's getting close to time...I didn't mean for it too, but it's nearly impossible to show any kind of enthusiasm (even fake) for it all now.

I guess that's about it.  I haven't been sleeping too well, tho Alex did let me sleep in today...which was much needed..still feeling 'spaced-out' tho.  This, too, shall pass..or so they say.

Day late...

Today was my last day at the branch I've been working at.  After all the uncomfortable tension in the beginning, I actually got to *liking* the gals I worked with (for the most part anyway).  They had a little going-away party for me (Patrina cooked wings and fried chicken, Marcia got a cake, our mail courier made me his oh-so-yummy cheesecake) and they got me a card.  I was..surprised, actually.  In a good way, tho.  Hopefully the next branch will be just as comfortable to be in.  I know I did the right thing changing shifts, and tho I fought hard to get out of this branch in the beginning, I'll miss the gals there.  I think the shiftchange will be good for Kaitlynne, and me.  Was really hard on me not seeing Alex much at all during the week.  I guess it would be safe to say I cling to him, but I guess not in a bad way cuz he clings back.  I cherish every moment we do get together, tho they're few and far between at the moment.  Thankfully, all will change soon.  Kaitlynne needs it, most importantly.  I told her today that the schedule would mean more time for me to be home w/ her, she got a kick out of that.  I cut her hair yesterday and it just looks so precious, I love it..should have done it sooner (had to wait for a day she'd agree to it-she was growing it long).  It's a little bob, just under her ears..so cute.  I'll have to get a pic of it.

I turned in all the paperwork to the courthouse yesterday..should be getting my hearing date soon.  So excited, can't wait to get that part of my life far behind me and continue on with the future that I look forward to with Alex and Kaitlynne.  Altho losing our daughter in January has forever changed me..hardened my heart irrevocably..I'm still happy to be here...be with my family.  Some don't have what I have-and I used to be one of those people, forever hoping to have just this.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not day-dreaming anymore...I really have a beautiful daughter, soon to be marrying my best friend who is everything to me that I ever wanted in a life-partner, a beautiful (paid for..woohoo) home waiting, food on the table, etc...  Was a long, hard journey to get to where I am today...I'm proud of myself for making that one huge decision and following thru with it so that I *could* have a better life for Kaitlynne and I.  Aside from my children, walking out that door was my greatest achievement.  That's not a dig at Larry, either...he wasn't the man I married at the time I left.  And I *grew up*.

I guess that's enough for now.  Alex promises me that we'll have the house packed up by the time the weekend is over...see how that goes..lol. 

One Step Closer to Forever...

I got my affidavit from the newspaper-it's been a quick 4 weeks.  I completed the online course required.  We're one step closer to forever, honey...I love you!

I found out something today about someone I thought I *knew*, that I cared about, who helped me thru a very hard time.  I care about this person a great deal and always will for what they did for me, but what I found out today..is disturbing, and depressing.  I'm...disappointed in the person.  I know why what was done, was done..but that doesn't make it any less wrong..so very wrong.  I wish this person the best, of course...happiness and health...just isn't the person I thought I knew, I guess.  Or the *want* was too great, did what they had to do..I don't know.  Probably never will, either. 

Head Explosion

Just don't write in this thing as much as I used to...maybe when the hours change at work, I'll find the want to do it..to do anything, really.  Packing, changing all our bills over, etc...such a hassle and it's looming overhead...BUT, I'm so thankful we have a home to be in now, and one to go to.  Poor people in the destruction path from the hurricane...I feel so badly for them.  Then the asshole looters are out-like people haven't lost enough, these 'people' are taking what's left.  There's a special place in hell for them, I guarantee it.  Alex gave ideas on what he wanted for my engagement ring and our wedding bands..we picked out what we want-it's beautiful, he did good...but I never doubted he would.  *I love you, honey*

Well, we didn't get pregnant last go-round.  I figure it's the stress of our schedules and everything going on.  Not a whole lot of time or energy for lovin' from either one of us as of late.  I obsessed last month, too...I was so upset when the hag showed, I was so sure I was...felt betrayed by my body yet again.  To top it off, I made that whole day complete by packing up the baby's room.  Everything had been left untouched for months...it hurt badly to pack it up.  To put our daughter's ashes wrapped so gently in a box...no one should have to do this, live w/ this kind of pain everyday...

All's quiet...

It's official, Alex's dad has bought the property.  7 acres in a smalltown outside where we are now.  His brother has already moved out, we'll be moving out in of September.  Be so nice to not have to pay any rent anymore...a place of our own.  We're planning the wedding for November 19th.  We're both excited, after all we've been thru, and sometimes still go thru, I know he's *the one*.  No one can touch what we have together;  I love him more every day, as does Kaitlynne.

I changed positions at work, so in 2 weeks I'll be working only Monday and Friday, making a little more money than I was parttime.  Only problem is I did this not knowing we were moving yet, so the place I'm going to be working is about on the other side of the world from where we're moving.  I guess it'll be ok for now, only 2 days a week.  Mom's keeping Kait after school on those days-hopefully she won't change her mind when we move...it's really not much further for her than where we live now.

I did go to my friend's babyshower, and went alone.  It was hard, won't lie...but not as hard as I thought it was.  When I knew I had to leave, I made my quick exit..period.  She also got a new house, I went out and saw it a few days ago...really nice, but pretty much had to do my quick exit after I got the detailed tour of the nursery.  She's 33 weeks now, tho, and all are well-and that's what's important.  They already talk to me about going to the hospital when she has them-and the thought makes me want to cry-I don't know if I can do it...we'll see.

Anyway, guess that's it for now.  I'm having a melancholy-sort of day...but it's early, hoping that will all change as the day progresses.

8 years ago today...

I gave birth to the most amazing little girl.  Kaitlynne is 8 years old, I can't hardly believe it.  We went to Denny's (her choice) with a couple friends and my mom...other friend's didn't come so neither did their kids, which really bummed Kaitlynne out (which pissed me off, but I kept the cool).  She ended up having a great time, we had a really wonderful server.  Kaitlynne passed out her birthday cake to us all (she gave me mine first cuz I was her mommy, she said), then passed it out to all the servers that came back to sing to her.

Happy Birthday my precious girl, may I always see that light in your eyes and smile on your beautiful face for many birthdays to come.  I love you!

A picture is worth a thousand words....

We had our family portrait done 2 weeks ago.  I've never had a family portrait done...either with my family, or with my ex.  I've always wanted one, don't ask me why.  I bought a pretty small package...12 pictures plus our free 10x13.  They had dressed us up in 1920's outfits..I thought they were the greatest thing...now, however, I wish I hadn't even signed up to get it done.   Something that meant so much to me before-that I've wanted to have done for so long..now means nothing.  A total of $63.74 cents worth of misery...fighting for the happy family on the Christmas card is a waste of time, fuck it all.

Woohoo...

Wow, I didn't realized it had been so long since I had written in here...

A catch up, work is going pretty well.  Wasn't able to get the transfer, but they're trying to make the schedule better.  If not, I have until my 6 month mark to work it, then I can transfer out.

The hotel is up and going...and I hate Alex's schedule w/ a passion.  We have some days where we don't get to see each other much, if at all...I've been fighting hard not to let this get me *too* down..but it's hard.  I love being w/ him, very hard to be apart.  Luckily, his schedule will change again soon and tho he'll still be working the crap-hours, he'll have Thurs, Sat, and Sun off..so we'll have our weekends back.

We're officially on the 2 week wait.  I'm not really obsessing about it, tho...*easier* this time than last.  Alex is sure he *succeeded*, and he was right the other 2 times...here's hoping.

We got prequalified for a mortgage today, so we're officially on the house hunt!  I'm so excited!  I hate moving, but wow, our OWN house! 

I had a long talk with Kim and we agreed to have her sister throw her baby shower.  I went several months w/out talking to her, then we went out shopping together w/ no kids or men and got to get it all out there.  She feels bad and uncomfortable talking to me, I just feel bad period talking/seeing her (or any pregnant woman).  So, her sister is throwing it...and she's fine with it, and it takes a huge weight off me.  I feel horrible about it, even tho I explained it all to her...she had asked me way back in the beginning if I would throw her a shower and I of course said YES!  Then things happened...things that changed me forever...she says she understands, I certainly hope that's the case.

She and Donald got their new home.  Should be able to move-in in a couple of weeks.  Then they're going to give us boxes so we can start packing..LOL.

That's about it for now...everything is going prettywell, all-in-all.

The lights are on, and someone is home-but the door is locked from the outside!

After much deliberating, I've decided to take myself off of the Zoloft.  I gave it a shot for 3 weeks, and what I've found is this:  I no longer having crying-bursts...I sit here thinking everything I was always thinking, but I can no longer *feel* anything about anything.  It keeps me *so* balanced that I don't get too happy, too sad, too anything.  I'm just *here*.  I feel trapped inside my own head...screaming to get out, but sitting here with almost a blank look on my face.  What cinched it was...well, without getting too graphic, I've noticed that my sex drive is greatly affected and I'm either unable to reach orgasm-or I have great difficulty getting there.  Alex and I have a wonderful relationship in EVERY aspect, and I'm not going to screw it up because I couldn't stop crying.  I'll figure out how to stop crying.  I don't want him to think it's his fault when that problem occurs-it's most definately not-never a complaint in that department.

On another note, something else that helped me make my decision about the Zoloft...when I heard this news..news that should have devastated me (in my mind it DID, but I couldn't FEEL it)...Candice (Tina's SIL) has lost her baby.  She was nearing her 6th month, had to deliver her baby today.  This is her 3rd stillborn child...I honestly can't imagine.  Anyone out there in cyberland who's reading tonight-say a little prayer for her, Brian, and their family tonight....so much pain and loss...

Things are going along well otherwise.  The hotel has reopened one building, so Alex is back at work.  Has the most horrid schedule, but just have to deal with it :(  Only good thing about it is he gets 3 days off now, instead of 2.  Right now, we share one day off.  But soon, we'll have 2 together again when his schedule takes a slight change.  Things at the bank are truckin' right along-I'm waiting to hear back about the transfer (the people at the branch I'm at now have been talking about changing the schedule soon-so I'm hoping to get out-soon).

Hopefully this weekend we'll be out looking at houses-we're hoping to buy this year and we've got to get on the ball here-our lease is up here in September (end of it, I think).  We're going to be moving back into town-but I'm picky about which school district.

I think I might have lost my digi-cam at Daytona-not sure, but I can't find it so far.  Total bummer, I had really good pics on there of the whole family at the beach.  I'm just hoping my brother grabbed it by mistake.

That's enough for me...time to ZzZzZz..atleast til Alex gets home.