I just have to get this out...I've been thinking about a couple of different things alot lately. For the gals trying so hard to conceive that might read this, PLEASE don't think that I'm not ever so grateful to be given yet another chance to bring another little one into the world. One of the things on my mind lately is how I almost feel a twinge of animosity towards this pregnancy (NOT the baby)...I should be preparing to enjoy Christmas with my 8 year old AND my nearly 10 month old daughters. Thanksgiving was ok to get thru, but when looking in the closet the other day, I found a pink 'Babys 1st Christmas' stocking I bought for Marissa...it's not fair that I have to spend every waking second worrying about whether or not I'll be betrayed again and lose another baby. It's all just not fair...
The other thing that's been bothering me is this. I've been asked by 3 different friends now when I want a babyshower. I told them, in not so many words, I don't need another shower. I just HAD a shower for Marissa. I said they could plan a girls lunch out one day if they wanted to. Only things we don't have are big things like a crib, a bouncy seat, things like that. That's not what bothers me, tho...what I'm having a really hard time with is thinking of putting another baby in outfits we got for Marissa. Toys we got for her....carseat, stroller, etc... I know how ridiculous that might sound to some, afterall they're all new items, waiting to be used. But I feel so guilty...like I'm taking them from her or tossing her memory aside...I don't know how to explain it really. I've yet to unpack anything baby related. I can't even buy anything baby related. We look quite often at the store now, but I just can't do it. I just keep saying "I hope we get to keep this little one"...
That's all for now, I just needed to get that out there. Again, I know there are gals who read this who have lost and are trying so hard to get pregnant again and I don't want you to think what I've said or felt is horrible or that I'm not thankful-I am. But same as you feel that you shouldn't be having to try so hard to get pregnant again and you should be enjoying the babies you never got to keep...same as I feel, too. Seeing 2 lines on the pregnancy test is just a small step in a very long, very hard journey of fear, hope, faith, mourning for the little one lost, praying for the little one coming.
Enough for me for now. Kaitlynne's staying overnight w/ my mom tonight, and Alex and I are going to Winghouse with his brother to watch PPV Wrestling. Toodles to all.
3 comments:
Aww Becky. Hugs to you. I wish we all could make this easier on you. I cannot imagine having that kid of worry everyday. For me I would have to accept what God has given me and try to enjoy what I have. Yet we are all different people, we all live and grieve and love differently. Am I making an sense? HUGS!
((((((Becky)))))) =**(
I wont say don't worry... I know you will. We'll get through this all together. We are going to have babies girlie. WE ARE HAVING BABIES =*) *tummy rubs* I'm thinking of you and I pray that you'll have some sort of load lifted from your heart soon. Just think, Marissa is watching over jellybean. Just like Seth is watching over June bug (((((warm hugs))))) *~Heather~*
There isnt anything wrong with thinking that. Its your worries and its totally normal to feel that way. :*( Good Luck and Im sending sticky vibes your way. BTW Im off the July 06 board.
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