Not the Kodak-moment I had hoped for...

I got Marissa's pictures from the hospital today...I sat and stared at the envelope for awhile-wasn't sure if I should look or not.  I opened them while I was waiting in the line to pick-up Kaitlynne.  Of course I started crying immediately.  She was so beautiful-so perfect.  This picture really shows how much she looked like Alex.  They sent really touching poems, one for mom, one for dad.  Going to post them on her website when I get up to fixing it.  Still says we're waiting for our bundle to arrive.  Part of me IS still waiting...and always will be.  I can't just move on...I can't.  A piece of me died that day...and the me that was is no more. 

Everyone keeps telling me how they miscarried when trying again after a stillbirth or previous miscarriage.  This is scaring the shit out of me.  I had a healthy child 7 years ago.  I had a healthy pregnancy until she died with this one.  I want another healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby put in my arms at the end.  I have to.  My mind isn't going to function correctly until this happens.  But what if we are able to get pregnant right away, will I miscarry?  My doc says my body is fine-I couldn't have prevented what happened.  I'm healing well and quickly from the csection, but what if?  What if, what if, what if, WHAT IF?!  I don't understand.  I told Alex I feel I'm being punished over and over.  My life has been shit.  I HAVE had good parts, don't get me wrong.  I do have a beautiful daughter, but she suffers from ADHD/Bipolar that could now have her put into special education.  Why?  My stepson moves back in with mom (Bipolar) who kills herself and takes him with her.  Why?  I married a drunk, finally got the nerve up to leave him, met a good guy, got pregnant, baby died.  Why?  My mother is Bipolar and slowly but surely losing touch with reality.  Why?  Maybe I'm a bad mother to the one I have.  I yell alot more now then I ever did.  I have no patience.  I have no anything anymore.  If I could take the percocet/tylenol PM cocktail all day long to keep myself in a haze, I would.  One small step away from just not feeling anymore...  I don't want to die, I just don't want to feel anymore.  This pain..is unreal.  Those who haven't been here can NEVER understand the depth of it.  I don't want them to understand, but I don't want them not to, either.  Just don't want to feel it anymore...and it's only been 2 and a half weeks.  I have a lifetime of this pain to deal with....

Another okay day...

*First say Happy Valentines Day to my honey-I love you*

Okay, Alex took Kaitlynne to school, then we did the exchanging of gifts.  Alex got me the eeyore jammies I wanted...they're so cute, story that goes along with them (him, some old lady workin the dressing room, trying to figure out what size to get..funny) is cute too.  I got him a box of candy and Tiger Woods PGA golf game for his gamecube.  He also got Kaitlynne a cute little shirt that says "Warning: I have an attitude and know how to use it!".  I got her a box of candy (just what she needs..ahahahaha).

We went to lunch at Arby's, then I got Kaitlynne and went to see Dr. Marquette again.  BP was a little elevated-he told me I could take my Aldomet from when I was pregnant..it worked, and since we planned on TTC right away, would be good to just stay on it.  Best news I got was that he had already made the call to the insurance company and gotten it approved for me to stay with him as a patient...I (and Alex) couldn't be happier about this!  He's such a wonderful man-if only had met him 9 months prior...eh, another 'what if' I don't need to think about....  Incision looks good..he took the steri-strips off, said everything was progressing nicely.  I told him I have an interview at Amsouth Friday, he said he'd release me to work as long as the employer knew I just had surgery and to allow for sitdown's, etc...it's a bank, tho...plenty of sitdown opportunity's.  Said Alex and I could..uhm...'resume relations' at 6 weeks BUT if we did anything before that (he obviously realizes not many folks can or want to wait 6 weeks..LOL), to use condoms.  Not a big deal, tho neither of us care for them.  Told me there wasn't much else I could do for the breastmilk coming in but to wait.  That for whatever reason my body was taking a little longer registering that there was no baby to feed.  Gal I talked to last night said it best..."It's like a cruel joke.  You have no baby, but your body is giving you all the physical signs that you should...a constant reminder."  So true...  I go back to see him in 4 weeks, said he'd do an internal then and I should be cleared.  He'd set up a 6 month, but to call him as soon as we knew we were pregnant if it wasbefore that.  I think that with Alex and I, it will be before that.  Not just because it's something we both so desperately need/want...but just for the fact that we can't seem to keep our hands off each other...like a couple of teenagers...come to mama...hehehe.

I just got an email from a support group I'm on.  Today is a 1 year anniversary/bday for one of the angel baby's.   The woman and her family were to release 100 balloons for the occasion.  Her husband surprised her by adding 50 more balloons each for each of her living children (another 100 balloons), and then surprised her by adding 45 more balloons...1 balloon for every angel in the support group.  I just cried and cried..crying again now...that is so nice.  I hope all our angels had a big party...I'll never get to see Marissa smile, but I know she is with all those balloons coming at her.

Back to my day (before I start dwelling on this and ruin my okay day)...I stopped and saw Susan at work since my doc's office is right up the road.  She looked really good, showed me pictures of the kids.  Her newest addition is a big ole boy, even for 10 weeks.  It was really good to see her...good to see her happy, kids looked happy.  I told her I applied online at the bank, said she was rootin' for me.  Told her I worked there before, hopefully can get back in.  Was a decent place to work, she certainly likes it.

Ok well the balloon thing really threw me off kilter, so I'm going to stop.  Get back tomorrow, maybe....

Today's a bitch to get through...I don't know if it's because it's been 2 weeks to the day I heard the dreaded diagnosis of 'fetal demise' or what...

I was folding laundry earlier...and BAM-it hit me.  I SHOULD be folding baby clothes...SHOULD be pretreating little pink onsies for spitup stains...SHOULD be pairing tiny little socks together....but I'm not.  I'm a g'damn statistic....1 out of 100.  Maybe I should play the lotto---feeling lucky?  Can't stop crying today...Kim called, decided I better talk to her before she's gets herself all upset thinking I don't like her or something.  She asked if I had a cold..told her allergies.  Wasn't going to say 'no, I just can't stop crying' to her.  I did finally tell her that I didn't know what to say to her.  I felt bad that I couldn't be as much of a friend to her right now as I should be...and that I was happy for her, but honestly couldn't stand being around 'the happy preggo'.  She understood..she feels bad that she's preggo and I'm not.  So..we're both feeling bad for things beyond our control.  Happy happy joy joy.  I also told her that tho she couldn't relate before, I don't even want to talk to her about it now because she's pregnant-I don't want to scare her more then I'm sure this all already did.  She doesn't want me to not talk to her...it's a twisted damn circle...

I've been trying to leave the house now for 4 hours.  I just can't seem to get myself together enough.  Ridiculous...I had a few good days, what is it about today that's different?  Who knows...

Went to Scott's yesterday.  Had a good long talk with him, we're on the same page again.  He just didn't know what to say, but he still called to see how I was doing while I was in the hospital.  It's the thought that counts.  I knew he couldn't come by...visitation was until 8pm, he wasn't getting off work until after 10pm.  He was upset...had been really looking forward to holding his little niece, had already told Pete he needed that Thursday off to come to Orlando...I didn't quite realize it would affect him the way it has, but he's eager for us to get pregnant again.  I guess he's living thru me vicariously.  

Goin' to go for now...I'm sure I'll write more later, just really having a rough one today and hoping the more I talk about this shit, the better...the horribly morbid thoughts going thru my head are trying to get the better of me...and I want to say pray for me, but God and I aren't on speaking terms regarding this subject.

Something new...

I'm actually having a 'good day' today...had a few small breakdowns, but nothing major.  Good day, indeed...

I talked to Susan today...been years, was good to talk to her.  She's doing really well, married, children, home, good job...I guess Larry's aunt and uncle went thru her line at work last week, she saw the name, asked if they knew me and Larry.  They said they were his parents (his parents are gone, but I knew it was them anyway).  She asked if they had seen me, they said no, but I had just had a baby that died.  Susan freaked, they told her in was in that day's paper.  She called all over the place trying to find me, finally called the funeral home, which called me.  We talked quite awhile...I'm glad to hear things finally going good for her and she's settled down.  Her husband is adopting her daughter, will be finalized next week.  Probably for the best.  She did tell me that Larry's aunt and uncle simply said about him "he's not doing well at all".  I'm assuming they mean physically, and maybe he's still in town.  That kind of made me feel bad...the only reason I never left him earlier then I did was because I was so afraid he'd die alone...and I didn't want that for him.  They also said they hadn't seen Kaitlynne in 2 years and figured they never would.  I thought maybe I'd write them, send a picture..maybe I can find out more about what's going on with Larry.  If he's truly not doing well physically, then Kaitlynne should be able to see him before whatever happens-happens...

 

Enough for today...our daughter is to be cremated tomorrow, finally an end in sight...want to try to move on.

Another day survived...

I requested 'Tears in Heaven' by Eric Clapton from a songlist I'm on today.  She sent it back pretty quick.  I told her it was a song I used words from on my website about my stepson's death, and I wanted to play it at Marissa's memorial.  Song always made me tear up before, took on a whole new meaning.  I can feel the heartache Clapton felt when he wrote this song for his son...

I've been burying myself in books and websites regarding stillbirth and conceiving afterwards.  Doc said 3 months-it occurred to me last night that *if* we get pregnant right away, the new baby will be due the same time Marissa was...I don't know how I feel about that, but I know I want and need to be pregnant again.  Some women need to wait, some women need it now...I need it now.  I will wait the full 3 months, because I don't want to take the chance of miscarriage with a body that wasn't ready yet.  Alex and I need a little time for 'us' anyway.  He mentioned to me that he hasn't had 'me' for more then a month, since we got pregnant so quick after meeting.  I'd give him whatever he wanted, about now...it amazes me how much things changed-for the better, actually-between us with this happening.  I read in a book a testimonial from a woman who lost her child to stillbirth...she said her child's gift to her and her husband had been bringing them closer then they ever were (or would have been) before.  It made me cry, but I'm taking that as Marissa's gift to us.  Alex and I had problems in the beginning that caused major trust issues on my end...but no man would do and say what he has if he didn't truly love me.  I told him tonight that I'm afraid he'll think I'm obsessing about all of this and getting pregnant again, and that I probably am...he said do whatever I have to do to get thru it, it's all fine with him.  I asked him how he's doing-he rarely speaks of it.  He said he does ok, sometimes gets to thinking about it and breaks down.  I hope one day he'll want to see her picture..she looked so much like him.  It makes my heart hurt to not know...to never know...what she would have been like.  Her smile, her laugh, first words, steps...then I think maybe I'm lucky I don't have those added things to miss about her.  I don't know...  The only people I have to share these feelings with are online-but that's actually ok with me.  It's easier to open up w/out someone staring at you.  And these women have been there-tho we all feel things differently, we have the same general feeling of hurt..and anger..and fear of getting pregnant again.  Another something I saw in a book said that any pregnancy after a stillbirth will be filled with fear...the 'carefree feeling' of pregnancy's prior is gone and can't ever be regotten.  That's actually sad...getting pregnant has turned into a mission for me, not something to look forward to.  I look forward to holding a LIVING baby in my arms at the end...everything in between scares me.  I've turned into a very weak person...vulnerable to things I never thought I'd be exposed to in my lifetime.  Losing Kevin was horrific...this has proven to be worse.

I started looking for work.  I know I won't be released from the doc for another 3 weeks or so, but figured I can start now.  Take some pressure off of Alex, and get me out of the house. 

Someone I haven't spoken to in a long while called the funeral home (after reading the obit) and left a message for me to call her.  We've been playing phone-tag since then, tho I could have made more of an effort to be available...I'm just almost 'scared' to talk to people on the phone....scared to see people I know.  I just want to be with Alex, hide away from everyone...everything...

I go back to the doc Monday...I have to go without Alex this time.  I broke down while Alex was there, so I'm quite sure I'll break down again.  The doc has been so good to us...says he'll do anything he can to make sure he can follow us with the next pregnancy...I will do anything I can to make sure of it, too.  He knows where I am in heart and mind, tho he's never been there.  I don't have to explain it to anyone else. 

That's enough--writing about this is emotionally draining, but I have to do it.

Survived the 1st week..

It's been 1 week since the csection.  Got my staples out today, didn't hurt-was surprised, I was prepared for some horrendous pain.  Anyway, my doc appointment:  Staples didn't hurt at all to get out (doc said they wouldn't, I thought he was lying, but he wasn't).  Alex was with me (even the doc said to him that he was impressed how at how wonderful Alex has been...it makes me cling to him, which he says he's fine with-I'm afraid of suffocating him).  Anyway, we talked to him about alot of things.  Niki and I had discussed last night the fear that us sleeping on our backs might have done this-he said absolutely not, Niki-so you take a deep breath, too.  I read it's normal to try desperately to find blame, even if it's on ourselves-helps our brains to function, having someone to 'point the finger' at, so to speak.  He said there is absolutely nothing I could have done differently that would have prevented it.  He actually told me she was so tangled in the cord (wasn't just around her neck twice, was wrapped around her abdomen, as well), that should she have been born alive, chance could have been that she would be mentally/physically challenged from oxygen-deprivation.  Of course, he's speculating, and I know that..but my brother's neighbor's child is this way for that reason.  That would be incredibly hard, as well....so he's telling me there was most likely going to be no happy way out on this.  I don't know if that makes me feel better or not.  I do have to say it helps to know what happened to her--it would be so much harder not knowing.

He said we can try again in 3 months, and he would love to be my doctor (he doesn't normally take my insurance, but said he'd do whatever it took to make it happen...this made me feel so good I started crying-again). 

I left feeling...better, in a way, tho unfortunately the feeling didn't last.  I went to my best friend of 14 years' house after we picked up our kids from school.  She had been trying to get pregnant after finding out I was pregnant (she has 2 boys).  Well...she told me today she's pregnant.  I feel horrible for saying this but this really pissed me off..not at her, per say...the part of me that's been her friend for years is so very happy for her, but the part of me that had to buy a small urn for my daughter's ashes is really angry and hurt.  I feel so selfish for even thinking this way, but I honestly can't help it.  I had years of infertility with my ex, finally got with a man who loves me and I love, got pregnant, all went well, then ended like this.  She felt bad, didn't want to tell me-but I just knew it would be this way.  Now, I not only feel like I couldn't go to her cuz I couldn't relate the feelings I had before to her, but now I don't want to be near her for this reason...I hope this is coming out right, I don't know how to explain it w/out me sounding like a horrid person...

Anyway..that's enough for now..only thing keeping me going is knowing we can try again soon...my body and mind feel 'ripped off', so to speak...I need the prize at the end of the ride...I don't want to keep crying, can't even fold laundry or do dishes w/out breaking down.  I feel like I'm going crazy-I have a daughter to take care of, a home, a man...but I just can't see past any of this.  I'm on a few message boards, hoping they'll help.  It does help to talk to women who have been there-others either don't know what to say or say something so ridiculous that I get angry.  I wonder if I ever said anything like that to someone not knowing how it really felt...I'm sure I did, sucks being on the other side, too.

Oh, the gals on the GT board send me a huge plant.  Has flowers (don't know what kind).  It's really nice..they've been great, too.  Little hugs send in my email box...small gestures that say 'hey, we're here whenever you're ready'.  

Love you, Alex-thank you for being the person I can't be right now.      ~Me~

Saturday:  Alex and I took our last 'date night', tho we really didn't have the money to be doing so.  We went to Chilli's for dinner (kinda spicey), then to walk around the new Walmart.  We bought some more things for baby while there...socks and such they had on sale...more wasted money...

Sunday:  Got up, cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, went to the store to use my last WIC check (really is my last one now).  Got home, made lunch...realized I hadn't felt the baby move.  Figured I might have just not noticed, so I finished lunch, laid down on my side-still no movement.  Turned over on my other side after drinking a glass of cold OJ...as soon as I turned over, I felt the baby...'float' down.  No other way to describe it.  Alex told me to take a warm bath (baby always kickin while I'm in the bathtub)-still no movement.  He goes to work, I wait til around 4pm and go to the ER.  Call mom to go w/ me at the last minute, "Just in case"-I told myself...didn't want Kaitlynne there in case they had me deliver early for some reason.  I packed the car, too.  Installed the carseat, got the stroller, my bag, baby's bag...  Get to the hospital, right up to labor & delivery-hook me up to an NST...can't find the heartbeat...I feel myself slipping into a zone, of sorts.  The bring in the portable ultrasound-can find no movement of any kind-I crack.  Take me down for the 'final and conclusive' ultrasound-Dr. Marquette comes in to tell me my baby is dead.  I am 4 goddamn days away from delivering her...and she is dead.  I am no longer here, this isn't happening, this happens on tv, to other people, not me.  I waited years for another child, found a man who loves me, wants a family-the start of our family is in my body, dead.  Morbid, isn't it.  I tell him I will not deliver a dead baby.  He sends me back to my room, where Kim, Donald, my mom, and Kaitlynne sit.  He comes back, tells everyone to get out, he and his nurse begin to tell me about inducing labor.  I again tell him I will not deliver a dead baby.  His nurse is kind enough to point out that even after a cesarian, the baby will be dead-guess I gave the impression that I thought a csection would bring her back to life.  I will not deliver a dead baby.  He says he can't make me do anything I donot want to do, says he will do the csection, tho it's nothing he's ever done before (atleast for that reason).  Everyone comes in, I play the clown.  Everythings fine.  I'm just in the hospital, everythings fine.  Kim and Donald leave, Alex gets there-mom and Kaitlynne go downstairs.  I totally breakdown with Alex.  I just keep hearing "It's not your fault", "There's nothing you could have done", "It's Gods will", "Things happen for a reason", "God gives us nothing more then we can handle".  To all of this, I say FUCKING BULLSHIT.  How could I have done everything right and had this happen?  How could I NOT have known she was in there strangling herself?  Gods will?  He hates me that bad...I can't handle this.  Not to say life won't continue-I have a daughter..but I can't handle this.  I can tell you a joke right now, if you want...act like it's all a-o-fucking-kay.  I can't handle this.

Next morning I'm supposed to go for body removal surgery at 830am.  By 1030, I'm wondering wtf is going on, I haven't gone in yet.  I'm told an emergency section came in..ok.  Epi doc comes in, says he doesn't recommend a section..I tell him I don't care what he or anyone recommends-I will not deliver a dead baby.  He reads my chart, see's I had a 42hr labor before-then says I made the right decision-no one should have to labor that long for a dead child.  Okey dokey, gotten epi doc's approval-who gives a shit.  At 1130am, I'm told 5 more minutes.  Dr. Marquette calls:  Arnold Palmer will NOT release my care to him, I am NOT to have a csection, I AM to be sent home.  "Call Arnold Palmer in a couple of days, make an appointment in a day or two (you know, to get the dead child out of me)...his hands are tied".  I freak-Alex tells him that I have a nurse liason at the insurance.  Doc calls her, I call her.  She calls says it's not her decision-Arnold Palmer needs to talk to Dr. Marquette.  I tell her to fight for me when she calls-don't let this happen to me on top of everything else.

Around noon, Dr. Marquette calls:  we are good to go.  I am taken to the OR immediately and prepped.  They give me a spinal and sedate me so I'll calm down.  Wish they had kept me that way.  Alex comes in as they begin.  They told him myBP went right down to normal when he came in-I believe it.  He and I have been thru hell and back-I can't be without him now or ever.

12:23pm-Our daughter, Marissa Cheyenne Barbara, is born.  She is 7lbs 6oz, 19 1/2 inches long, lots of dirty-blonde hair with red highlights.  Her cord is wrapped around her neck twice and has hemorrhaged.  The small glimmer of hope I carried that the test were wrong was gone-she was most definately dead.  They take her to the nursery to clean her up and take pictures.  I go to recovery.  An hour later, the bereavement nurse brings me my daughter.  She is in the regular baby crib-cart, bundled like a regular baby, but she is covered with another blanket-don't want to scare the other new moms.  She puts her in my arms, and I lose it.  She is beautiful.  My eyes, Alex's mouth....beautiful.  Cute little hands and feet-she's dressed in a beautiful white dress.  Mom comes in with Kaitlynne-mom holds her while Kaitlynne touches her sister's head, hair, hands... They baptise her.  I can't handle this..any of this.  They take the baby away so that Alex can come in with me.  He doesn't want to see her-I tell them not to force him.  We talk for awhile, cry...

 430pm-I am taken to the mother/baby ward...guess they don't have the mother minus baby ward.   They neglect to tell me that they have given me pitocin in the IV to give me contractions to help shrink the uterus.  Not saying it doesn't make sense, but there are alot of things I'm not told-just expected to know, I guess.  I spend most of the night in blinding pain.  They have me on a demerol pump-does nothing.  After 4 hours, nurse finally calls the doc to get me something else.  I get a drug that helps take the horrid edge off, I can finally sleep some.  Alex and I get up around 9am, the nurse wants to remove the cath and get me up-I ask to finish breakfast.  She comes back around 1pm, and says she can wait til later-I ask her to remove it and get me up...I want to get well and get home.  The pain is like nothing I can describe.  But, I get up..I go to the bathroom.  And by that night I am walking to the nurses station. 

Wednesday-Lorraine from Forrest Lawn comes around 9am.  This is the same place that has the remains of Larry's parents, his son-Kevin, and his ex-wife.  They know my name well.  They are doing all arrangements/services free.  I hate to say this is wonderful, because afterall..the wonderful service they are providing is burning the remains of my baby to dust, but the thought they provide of caring for families who are blindsighted by the death of a baby and are in no prepared...that is wonderful.  She tells me they will cremate my precious baby and as soon as I have picked out a special 'container' for her ashes, they will intomb them for me.  They put the obituary in (Thursdays paper), and said we have full access to their facility to hold a service.  I can plan it whenever I want..most likely in a couple weeks.  I want to be able to fully walk around, as well as give it time to sink in for us all.  Alex can't see past worrying about me to think of grieving for himself.  I try to be there for him, but I can't hardly see past any of it to be worth anything to anyone.  I am discharged Wednesday afternoon.  Alex goes to work late, mom is here with me.  Alex has removed all things baby from the car and most of the house-he's good like that.  He goes to work, calls his mom...she gets him to cry some-good, in a way-he needs to cry.  She is as devastated...asks for a picture of Marissa, and comments about the red in her hair (from her side of the family).  I tell Alex I'll send her some of the hair, too...they gave me plenty.  Alex tells her this is the first of his children to carry his last name-and this is what happens.  I hadn't actually thought of it that way until he mentioned it to me.  I carry a black cloud with me-nice of me to share it with him, you know.

So today...Thursday...the day I am due to go to Orlando, be induced, so that I may deliver our beautiful daughter.   Instead, I go to Winn-Dixie to buy 4 newspapers carrying our daughter's obituary.  Arnold Palmer calls at 640pm-they tell me that they can not induce me today, I need to call and make another appointment to come in and deliver her.  I wish I had gotten that call (considering they know she is dead), and ask if I make that appointment, can they deliver me a live child?  Har-de-har-har.  Always the funny girl, I am.  I don't want to be funny anymore.  I don't want to be anything anymore.  I can't handle any of this.  I'm not as strong as anyone thinks, I just play it off like everything is a-o-fucking-kay.  But it's not...I'm not...we aren't. 

I love you, Alex...and I'm so sorry.  Sorry I got you excited about having a baby that "wasn't meant to be".  Sorry you now have to take care of me and worry about me od'ing on pills (which I wouldn't do).  I know you talk about trying again.  I know we will, and we'll both be terrorified the entire pregnancy of the 'what if'.  I'm sorry.