Mother Nature comes knocking...

We decided to spend the day out..hoping to keep our minds off of everything in general.  The cramping started around noon today.  Nothing severe, but knowing what I know...it's starting.  It will be done Monday.  Another 'carrot dangled', so to speak.  Whatever.  I never thought I'd be going thru all of this.  When I got pregnant with Marissa, I expected a fairly carefree pregnancy, beautiful baby at the end.  Now, I'm sitting here scared out of my mind at the thought of going thru yet another surgery to remove my hopes and dreams.  I told Kim...she just said she wished she knew what to say..and that she had never heard of a blighted ovum.  I'm finding it very difficult to want to be the ringleader of her babyshower.  None of this is her fault, of course...but this nagging thing in my mind-she's only having these 2 healthy babies because she wanted to be pregnant like I was with Marissa.  Now, I'm on loss number 2..and she's getting 2.  Horrible thinking..I know this.  I just can't stop it.  I would NEVER wish her any illwill...I want nothing but happy, healthy babies for her...but also for myself.  I've become someone that I have a hard time understanding...and not necessarily someone I'd like to know.  I spend alot of time feeling sorry for myself inside, big "happy go lucky" smile on my face on the outside.  It's a battle that's tearing me down.  No one I know offline understands at all..and would rather just avoid me all together then to maybe just lend an ear.  Out of sight, out of mind.  "Friends" never call, rarely email.  I've got the "don't know what to say so I won't" plague.  I know...wahhh wahhh wahhh.  I disgust myself, actually.  Not nearly as strong as everyone claims...really rather pathetic-just pull it off better then most. 

I've never been put under anesthesia before.  Alex says "it's routine".  Nothing's routine when you're put under.  I'm scared.  Scared at the fact that things I NEVER thought would happen, have happened..so why not this time, too?  Make me another statistic-third times the charm.