Keeping friends close, enemies closer (not by choice)

I woke up sore today (big surprise) with such an empty feeling.  I thought I felt up to running some errands, so I went to town..got halfway thru a store and had to leave.  I kept Kaitlynne with me today (thought we'd have some quality time before I head back to work tomorrow).  She's been pretty good, is obsessed with seeing all the bruises on my arms from the IV-attempts yesterday.  Alex called to check on me-he's a good guy.  I'm glad that I found him, he found me, we found each other.  Our time together has been tough (not just with the most recent events, but with other interfering events as well), but I'm glad that I if I had to go thru it, I had to go thru it with him.

I'm tired.  Tired of "friends" tip-toeing around behind my back.  Tired of the real friends walking on eggshells around me, thinking I might snap at any moment..I know they mean well, but 'out of sight, out of mind' doesn't make me feel any better-makes me feel isolated.  Tho it's hard to have my best friend pregnant with twins, having been where I have, and am.  Tired of trusting those closest to me with my feelings (more fragile then they ever were before), only to have one of those trusted few disregard my feelings and insult my intelligence like I have no idea wtf they're up to.  You think my life is so wonderful that you have to come in from the backdoor to get you some of it?  Go right ahead.  Walk a day in my shoes you pathetic piece of shit and see how you like it.  You have no idea how much better off you'd be if you got off your lazy ass and got your own life, and got off my coat-tails.  Waking up everyday, knowing your body has failed you miserably and you've lost now 2 children, knowing your living child has such a hard road ahead of her, that your mother is slowly but surely losing her mind.  Yes, I can see where this would be intriguing @@.  You're looking for the white-picket fence, kids in the yard, big house, man to support you.  Go get it, because despite what you obviously believe in your deluded world, that is not what my life is, either.  Leave my life, such as it is, ALONE.  I have so much to deal with now, worrying about this ridiculous bullshit has already taken up far too much of my mind.  You aren't a teenager passing notes in class.  You're messing with someones reality (tho you really should take a look at your own).  Go away.  Stop treading ever-so-lightly in the background of my life.  This post took an entirely different path then I had originally intended.  Just tired of having things come to light that I've known all along but didn't want to know at all...  I can't imagine constantly disrespecting someone close to me...constantly interfering in their life, whether they know it or not, with ME knowing that what I'm doing is WRONG.  Yet, still doing it.  Complete disregard to how that person feels.  How what I was doing to them would make them feel.  I can't imagine being that low of a person.