Double Trouble

My best friend is having twin boys.  I was so freaked when she told me..I've never 'known' anyone closely that had twins...was very surprising.  I'm very happy for her and her husband.  There's also a part of me that's really not happy.  I just want to be able to have one happy, healthy baby.  Everything seems to come pretty easily to her, especially having children.  It makes me angry that people seem to take for granted how special a thing it is to bring another life into the world.  But...it's not her fault I feel this way.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself because the overwhelming feelings that have come with finding out I was pregnant have caught me off guard.  It's what we wanted, we were so blessed to get pregnant fairly quickly.  Now I freak with every twinge that I feel.  I have myself so set up for the doctor to tell me it's a tubal or something.  I just want to 'enjoy' this pregnancy-but I can't.  That happy-go-lucky feeling that I thought would be gone, most definately is.  I guess I'm envious of that with my friend, too.  She's just bouncing around like all is right with the world.  Which, in her world, it is.  I want to scream, "Hey, over here, what about me?!?!".  Again, these aren't her problem.  I think perhaps she could be just a tad more understanding about throwing all this stuff at me and not understanding if I'm not jumping for joy, too (tho I do in front of her).  I was so worried about her seeing Marissa and going thru all of that with me while she was very early pregnant...I made sure not to talk to her about my feelings because I didn't want to scare her (and I told her this-and she said she wants to know-no, she really doesn't).  I guess I just wish I could get 'me' back.  The me that floated on cloud nine while pregnant with Marissa and Kaitlynne.  There's the guilt, too.  I actually went in the nursery for a short time to put a few things away...and start crying.  I felt like I was cheating Marissa by having another baby that will use 'her' stuff.  Sounds ridiculous, I know...I'm reading a book by a very well reknowned author that discusses all the emotions involved with trying (and succeeding) getting pregnant again...atleast her and her book tell me I'm not crazy. 

I start my bank job Monday.  I'm nervous, but in a good way...it's just been awhile since I worked, is all.  I've worked for this company before-and should do me very well to get out of the house for awhile.  Kaitlynne should have a blast at the daycare I got her into right here by the house..it's brand new, lots of playground equipment, books, music...the things she likes. 

Alex said something about going to breakfast tomorrow with my mom for mother's day.  I don't know, tho.  I'm having a hard time eating as is (which normally wouldn't be a bad thing at all-I definately could stand to lose some lbs), but I'm trying to nibble even if on crackers thru the day.  Not nausea, just no appetite.  Probably nerves more then pregnancy.