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Up early this morning.  Can't seem to sleep late no matter what I try anymore.  Guess that's not a bad thing...even Kait's still sleepin.  Just me and the dog sittin here waitin for the rest of our world to get up.  I'm having one of those mornings where I'm thinking about things that I shouldn't because they only lead to me getting ticked off..which leads to me thinking about other things that get me upset.  Like knowing I'm being lied to..not a huge lie, but a lie all the same.  Nothing I hate worse.  Blah.

Had a good day at work, tho.  We were incredibly busy (no doubt), and they had me working the commercial driveup teller window.  I'm bustin' rear working nonstop, look down at my next customer, and it's Matt..my stepson from my marriage..Kaitlynne's brother.  He got this huge grin on his face and said, "Well hey there stranger!".  I was like omg..he's all...grownup.  Told me about going into the Marines, had been discharged, but hope to get back in during re-enrollment time.  Going to college for Vet something-er-other.  Gave me the number where he's at now, asked for a pic of Kaitlynne-he just looked good.  Which made me feel great.  It looks like he's finally getting his life on track-and no one deserves it more.  He seems so genuine about missing Kait and I, too...he said he'd call this weekend..see about coming over.  I hope it won't be too awkward around Alex...I know the 2 of them would get along great (especially with the sports topics)...we'll see. 

Hoping to get and go do something this weekend.  Alex and I both have the 3-day weekend...and Kaitlynne's always ready and rarin' to go.  Was wanting to go have movie night at Scott's house, but when I called them they were in Missouri!  Left last minute to surprise Pete's parents...and they succeeded in that one.  So...movie night w/ them some other time.

Physically for myself-I'm sore.  I think I might have gotten AF starting yesterday.  Feels like it.  I asked around, couple gals got it right after having a DNC-so I'll ask the doc when I go for my appt.  Mentally...well...it varies.  During the week I'm ok-working so much, tired when I get home..usually just curl up on the bed w/ Alex and Kait and watch tv for awhile, then go to bed.  Little harder when I have more free time on my hands.  I don't obsess about getting pregnant-atleast that feeling is gone (that was hard on me to deal with, as well).  However, I do sit and wonder if that untouched nursery (still sits as the day I left for the hospital to have Marissa) will ever get used.  Everyone around me getting pregnant and having no problems at all (and yes, that is what I want-I don't wish any harm on any mommy/baby).  Just wondering now if I'll ever that chance again.  The wondering is almost as hard as the obsession.  I am blessed to have one living child-and I know this.  She fell asleep in my arms watching tv last night..I just kept looking at her (she's usually bouncing around so much, can't keep her still).  She looks just like her mommy-no denying that.  My mini-me.  She'll be better looking then me when she's older, no doubt.  I'm going to keep her very active so she doesn't get overweight.  She loves doing sports-going to keep going on that one.  She's going to be a beautiful young woman.  I don't even want to think about those days.  I don't mean the teen angst, etc...I'll deal with that as it comes.  Just those days when I look and I realize she's not my little bubbaloo anymore.  She's someone's bestfriend, someone's girlfriend, someone's employee.  Man, I'm crying already thinking about it.  Why can't they stay little and sleeping in our arms forever?  "WHY"..."IF"..."HOW COME"..."I WONDER"...  consuming.