I blinked and time warped backwards...

I was just sitting at the branch, going over some work--a woman came in with her 4 month old little girl, and I just glanced...all it took was a glance...and BAM, the tears came from no where.  I had to dart to the backroom, I just couldn't stop them.  I'm sure part of it is the hormones, part of it is the unusual stresses as of late (new job, worrying about the u/s results)...the biggest part is I shouldn't be doing this.  I shouldn't be having another baby NOW, I should have a drooly, giggly little 4 month old NOW.  I hope and pray everyday that this new baby makes it into our lives--but I have myself somewhat 'guarded'; afraid to allow myself to 'feel'.  I think Alex is feeling the same way.  His answer to my question of "I wonder..." is "If so, then we'll try again."  So scary...we now know that things can and do go wrong...terribly wrong.  I did manage to get myself together, the woman was already gone when I came back out.  It was just the headteller and myself, I blamed it on hormones and went on my way.  They know I've lost Marissa-and they've been very supportive.  But, like every job, you really have to leave personal life at home.  It's hard when your personal life is thrown at you with everyday reminders...but I got this job so that I could STOP driving myself insane with the thoughts. 

Alex has been talking about names already.  He's quite sure he's 'made' another little girl.  He said he liked Marilynne, I'm leaning towards Brooklynne.  I saw a gal on one of the boards I'm on named one of her daughter's that, and I just loved it.  Kaitlynne liked it, too, since it was spelled kind of like her name.  Alex and Kaitlynne had both wanted the name Amanda with Marissa, too.  So maybe Brooklynne Amanda.  If by chance Alex made a little man, name will be Dalton Thomas.

One more day and we'll know for sure if we atleast have a little heartbeat.  It's so easy, now, to convince myself that there IS something wrong--then it's a nice surprise when there isn't.  Day by day...trying not to suffocate from the fear of the unknown...and the known....