Rollercoaster takes a dip...

I don't know, I was doing fine most of the day.  I've had some spotting off and on the last 2 days...I don't know if it's implantation bleeding or my period coming.  I want to say it's my period coming-just the way my luck seems to be, I guess.  My cat, Smokey (the one just recuperated from his injury) has been missing for 6 days now.  Lovely, isn't it?  Someone either stole my cat or he's dead.

Had the interview Tuesday.  As soon as I get in there, they tell me how sorry they are for the loss of Marissa (Susan had told them about it).  I started crying..at an interview..isn't that wonderful..  Everything went very well after that...I just told them I was nervous, and hearing someone just say her name outloud caught me offguard.  Will find out something next week.

So for today..I was pretty good.  Feeling bummed thinking I'm getting another period, but if it happens..it happens.  Nothing I can do about it, and I guess I can't expect to get pregnant as quick as we did with Marissa.  I was posting goofy messages on the message boards, and decided to go check out one I hadn't been to in awhile.  Some gal put on there how when she had her last ultrasound, that they got pics of her babygirl yawning.  I messaged back saying I had some pics of Marissa 'talking'..how she was just in their flapping her jaws, and we had a really nice tech that day who gave us a bunch of pictures showing her mouth opening and closing.  As soon as I hit send, I started crying.  It's just not fair.  I keep seeing babies, pregnant women..blah...I really can't stand any of them-but love seeing them at the same time.  It's horrible, really...and I still feel, 2 months later, I have no control whatsoever. 

Went to dinner with Kim, Donald, the boys, and Kaitlynne.  Didn't really say too much.  It's hard on Kim cuz she can't understand (tho she's empathetic to it) why I am the way I am...where did 'I' go?  When will 'I' be back....never.  I'll never be back.

Who would have thought...

Today is 8 weeks.  8 weeks without her.  I thought for sure after the doc told me what had happened, I'd never be able to make it.  Don't assume I'm some strong woman for doing so-I'm not.  Just bumbling thru the days like most people.  Mostly numb...which is ok-works better that way.

I had to quit the vet job.  It was just too much of a pain in the ass to have to bring mom over here the night before, then get Kait up and drive her home.  I have an interview at the bank tomorrow, tho, and Susan already went and talked to the guy doing the interview.  She says he's "so funny & gay as hell".  I told her that I can hang w/ that...being around my brother and auntey Petey helps..LOL.

Finally got the highspeed up and running-definately zippier.  Getting rid of the homephone and Alex's AOL account (he'll be added to mine)-that saved us over 50 bucks right there.

Not much more to say..todays just another day in the life of...

Just go straight...

Well, guess I'll add a little update as I sit here waiting (STILL) for the cable man to bring our highspeed internet equipment.  Was supposed to be here between 8-11am this morning..it's now 20 to 4.  House is clean, Kait and I are chillin'.

Alex and I finally got our getaway.  We left Friday afternoon (after dropping Kaitlynne off at my mom's), got to the hotel around 2:30pm.  We laid around there, then went off into Orlando to see a Predators game (Arena football).  We got lost trying to find the arena (yes, I was a bitch about it-I didn't like being lost in a the bad side of a town we aren't 100% familiar with).  One guy told us to 'just go straight' (which led to a suburb)..but that became the weekends theme-just go straight.  We get to the football game, get in our seats (had to hike way the hell up there-Alex wasn't happy-we paid good bucks and got nosebleed seats).  We had a great time anyway, it was a total blast!  I told Alex that if we lived closer, I'd want us to be season passholders-it was definately fun.  We left there, went to Alehouse for dinner, then back to the hotel.  We were going to try out the hottub, but it was too late and it was closed.  So we 'entertained' ourselves in the room *wink*.  Next morning, Nick calls and wakes us up at 8am (blahhhh).  We go down for the spiffy breakfast, see the the rain hasn't come yet, and head out for Seaworld (got these passes-might be good to finally use them, right??).  We got about 5 good hours in there (was much fun, tho I didn't do the rollercoaster, and it started raining before Alex could get on it).  We went to go find the car and couldn't..took us like 45 minutes (in the pouring rain) to find the car.  Then we came home.  I know I really needed the little break (wish it could have been a day or two longer, tho)...might have boosted spirits a little bit, I dunno yet.

The bank called-said they had filled the other positions I originally applied for (I knew this from the email last week), but that they now had 2 part-time positions open to fill a full-time position that's leaving (that would be Susan-she already told me she's given notice and starts her other jobs after that).  So, I go Tuesday for an interview.  Would be 25 hours a week with full benefits.  If I get this one, I'll be quitting the vet's office.  I really wanted to keep both, but with having to drive mom back and forth since she watch's Kait while I work-just too much hassle.  We're hoping I get the bank one-I think Alex would feel more secure if I had a job that I can move up in (I would, too...would be more beneficial when I do have another baby to have benefits and a good job that gives raises and promotions to go back to).

That's enough for now...my back's killing me (as usual).  Later.

Fooling myself...

I tell myself and everyone else I'm doing better..feeling good, hopeful.  It's all a lie.  It makes everyone else feel better to think I'm doing just peachy-and I thought making everyone else feel better was all I needed to be ok.  It's not.  The last few days have been so hard.  Nothing in particular to pinpoint, just so hard.  I feel like crying every minute-but I don't.  I don't want to talk to my friends.  I don't want to see my family.  I don't want to do anything.  I do, tho.  I get out of bed every day, and do it all over again.  I can't even explain it-the total despair that I feel.  Life will never be the same.  I will never be the same.  It's not fair..to me, to Kaitlynne, to Alex...but I can't stop it.  Someone mentioned meds..sure, I could get them...but that doesn't change anything, just makes me numb to it.  Is that the answer? To be numb to the world around me?  Or is the answer to live in a darkness no one else can see?  My heart hurts..literally.  I worry about getting pregnant again..will I?  If I do, will it end with the death of another child?  I thought I was getting giddy about it...maybe I will, if it happens.  I don't know.  I know it won't be the same.  The excitement and blissfullness is forever gone.  It died on January 30th, 2005 at 5:24pm when I heard the doctor say to me, "Your baby's heartbeat has stopped, I'm sorry."  So am I.  Why would it happen just days before she was supposed to be here?  Why didn't it happen when I started bleeding at 12 weeks?  No, not saying that'd make it better..nothing makes it better.  Why 'tease' me with a full 9 months of planning, excitement, bonding, loving...only to tear my soul to shreds within seconds.  Monday will be 8 weeks since I gave birth to a child I'll never know.  A child that will never see the nursery filled with things just for her.  A child that was so wanted, loved, anticipated...

I'm a grown woman, with a child, a loving man, family, friends, a roof over her head, money in the bank, good job that I've always wanted-and I'm so miserable I find it harder and harder every day to find a reason to get out of bed.  Those horrific "What if..." thoughts have managed to creep in to my mind on occasion...like driving down the road.  What if I just jerked the wheel...

However, life goes on..and I'll stumble my way through it until God sees fit to take me.  He doesn't give us more then we can handle, right?  Whoever thought of that statement is so full of shit-they should try my shoes on for size and see if they still feel that way...

Empty

Just a little update.  We took Kait to the doc about her foot last Friday-said to 'shave it off'.  We'll see if she'll let me close enough to her to do that-like giving a cat a bath. I also stopped and applied to a small vet clinic for a receptionist/vet tech position, which I got and started yesterday.  Neat position-2 days a week working up front, and assisting the vet in various aspects.  They did me a huge favor and 'altered' my job description, putting that I can't do X-rays or assist in surgery (I can watch and help setup, just can't do the gas and such), since we're trying for another baby.  This is 'the peak time', so I'm crossing fingers...be nice if it happened right off the bat.  But, I have to accept it will happen when it's meant to happen.

I've had this really 'empty' feeling today...hard to explain, but very unpleasant, to say the least.  I feel like crying like every 5 seconds the last couple of days-thankfully, been able to control that.

Niki lost her baby.  I feel horrible, especially since I was so envious of her to be begin with (yet so happy at the same time..kind of like with Kim-who's doing well, thank God). 

I promised a mushy entry soon, too...I haven't forgotten, just have to be in the right frame of mind to do it. 

Alex and I leave Friday for our little getaway-and I can't wait.  It's nothing spectacular-staying overnight in Orlando, probably go to a Predators game, maybe a theme park Saturday, dunno yet.  The great part is being alone with Alex-atleast for a couple days of uninterupted 'us' time, that we haven't gotten since Marissa died. 

Had to add a mood-balancing med to Kait's regimen today.  He warned me of the side effects (which he says he's never seen happen), but damn it...why does MY kid have to take this shit?  My baby...my daughter.  It's not fair.  He says she'll most likely grow out of the ADHD, but she'll never outgrow the Bipolar.  This scares me so bad I can't even put it into words.  I worry so much about her growing older-getting into those horrid teen years we've all experienced.  I just keep remembering about how high the suicide rate among depressed teens is...lovely thought, I know...I can't help it-she's my baby.

Enough of that...that's a personal turmoil I have to learn to live with and prevent as much as I can and just pray to God that He doesn't take her, too.  I couldn't live if something happened to her...that, I can say for certain.

 

Browser for hell

AOL just really hasn't been liking me much lately, as far as accessing this thing.  Apparantly let everyone access tho (so glad to see you're joining, Natty).  Blah to you..

Been a rollercoaster ride emotionally the last few days.  Monday I had my 6 week post pardum.  I got there with Kaitlynne about 30 minutes early (was in town anyway), and got to sit in the waiting room w/ all the happy lil preggo gals (I know-it's an OB's office, usually full of happy preggo gals).  Finally get back to a room, and get to hear the sounds of little heartbeats on dopplers in other rooms.  I could hear the doc laughing and having a good time with other mothers-so I distracted myself by making funny faces with Kaitlynne.  Doc came in, looked at me, rubbed my back and had such a look of solace on his face-made me want to cry.  I did good tho, got my internal (everythings looking great).  Said we were cleared and set to go, very sorry about our loss, see ya in 6 months.  Then he popped his head back in the door and said, 'You be sure to call me the SECOND you see 2 lines on a pregnancy test.'-smiled-and walked back out.  That kinda made me feel good-he's as hopeful as I'm trying to be that it will happen before that 6 month appointment.

Someone I talk to knows we're going to start trying and insisted we take a 'bag' of baby boy clothes 'just in case' (we're obviously covered on girl stuff).  That bag was 2 giant bags of baby clothes.  Really nice couple-I told them I'd probably end up sharing some with Kim since she'll probably have a 3rd boy..lol.

I'm trying to get motivated to start going thru stuff to have a yardsale with Kim next month-so many dang clothes and knickknacks we don't need or use, get them outta here and make a couple bucks in the process. 

I still have to do that 'mushy' post, hmm, Alex?  *smile* Maybe later...this is enough for now.

Outside looking in...

AOL has finally let me on my journal..3 days w/out their browser is more then annoying.

Well, AF officially showed on Thursday and was gone just as quick by Friday.  I guess that was my first one, tho pretty irregular.  I looked at the ovulation calculator online-said if we got preggo on my fertile days this month, baby would be due on Christmas-thought that was kinda neat.

Alex and I had our big plans to go to Busch Gardens today.  We got our passes online, both got all giddy to go (we don't get out much, apparantly).  Kinda saw it getting doomed..Kim and Donald backed out because of $$, and then Alex said he 'might' have to work (which, if I'm sitting here writing this thing, must mean he DID get called in).  We even had mom out here to spend the night so we could leave early.  Oh well, guess there's not much that can be done, right.  Was just kinda bummed.  Alex and I still have our weekend away in a couple weeks-I know we'll get that.

Last Thursday I had gone to town to get Kaitlynne's prescription..kinda had the feeling when I left the house I should stay home, but brushed it off.  I got the pills, called Alex to see if he wanted me to get him some dinner since they were so busy down there, then started to head out across SR 200 (very busy road).  I saw only one car coming and it was getting in the turning lane, so I started to pull out into the middle lane myself.  The car changed it's mind and came flying back out into traffic, so I had no choice but to stop where I was, with oncoming traffic coming at me.  I never saw the motorcyclist (tho there's nothing I could have done at that point if I had)...I heard him screech his tires, saw him (in slow-motion) lay his bike down and come running at our car (the car 'broke' his run...stopped him, if you will).  I put the window down and was hollering at him to see if he was ok (he never did fall or anything...I was amazed).  He yelled at me asking why I stopped, and I pointed at the car speeding right past us (that driver saw me pointing at them and flipped me off).  I pulled back into the store's parking lot, as did he.  He was so worried about his bike, and I'm just asking him over and over ifhe's ok.  He says he doesn't have his license on him (ok..whatever, I'm not askin questions, I'm in total shock here), and says the damage is very minimal, he'll just let me know how much after he has his buddy fix it up.  I say ok, get in the car, and go to the hotel.  Since that point, I've done nothing but think of the 'what ifs'..what if he had been going faster and been killed...what if it had been a car, not a cycle, and killed us all (I had Kaitlynne in the car).  I had nightmares before it happened anyway, now they're a little darker and more twisted...I'm afraid to get behind the wheel now.  I do, of course-life has to go on...but I'm scared...I have things I need to do today, actually...and I'm not going to.

I've made a webpage for Marissa (Warning to those who don't want to see:  IT HAS HER PICTURE ON IT!)  Turned out really nice-thanks Niki for resizing her pic for me, and thanks to those who have visited thus far and signed her guest book.  I'll put the link on the bottom of this page.  Sometimes it's really hard for me to look at her...and yes, I still get the bullshit comments 'it happened for a reason' (what the hell reason is that??) or 'its for the best' (noooo, being w/ her family is for the best).  Or there's the damn tension it has created between most everyone I know and myself.  Of course they're my friends, and care..but it's hard for them to even look me in the eye now.  I'm guessing that will pass. 

Ok, well...I have another entry I'd like to make, but I think I'll save that for another day.  It's more of a mushy sentimental thing, and after the dreams I just had during a short nap-I'm just not feeling it right now.  Here's the link to our sweet baby's page:  Marissa Cheyenne