Angelbaby Marissa

Stacie finished the scent for Marissa.  She sent me a package with one each of the product they made for her (tarts, candle, body spray, and lotion).  It smells SO GOOD and JUST like Marissa!  It's a mix of baby powder, honeysuckle, and vanilla.  I honestly can't put into words how it makes me feel that her and her sister have done this.  They run an online store (link  The Sisters Attic) where they have dedicated this month to Marissa and other lost angels.  Under their 'About Us' link is a page I wrote up about Marissa.  Then her scent is featured on the tarts, bath, etc links.  It's so cool to see her memory carried on this way.  Y'all reading this, please check out their site.  I'm not saying buy anything (that's up to you), but could maybe drop a line in their guest book-they are such dolls.  Thank you both so much-I'll never forget what you and everyone else online has done for my family.

Today was a decent day.  I spent it at Kim's house after school-Donald fixed my brakes on my car.  We had dinner there, bullshyted with 'em, played w/ the boys, then came home.  Alex is home now (woohooooooo), so I'm going to get going.  ***Lots of love***

Don't know...

I had no idea where today was going to go.  By that I mean emotionally.  Physically-usually the same ole, same ole.  Emotionally-changes frequently throughout the day.  I just told my friend in Australia about Marissa.  Usually I'm fine talking about it, today I'm having trouble, so I'm communicating mainly via emails, if at all.

I've been reading all my boards, like normal.  Decided to stop in and see the preggo/new mommy's.  I was fine, everything a-ok.  I did something kind of foolish, but something I needed to do today.  I took a pregnancy test.  It finally all sank in-negative.  Negative, Becky-you are NOT pregnant...she's not going to magically reappear in my stomach like nothing ever happened.  Negative.  It hurts-been dealing with the jealousy of the new mom's and preggo's, so I stopped reading the boards about half-way thru.  It hurts-but it's good.  Good that now I know where my body is.  Doesn't mean I'm not pregnant, necessarily, just means can't be detected.  Or means I am truly not pregnant, and my body is telling me to slow down, give it time to heal, etc...  I worry more about my mind then my body lately, tho....  However, my mind picked-up on the fact that NOTHING was detected.  This is all very hard to explain...I hardly know how to get anything across so that people will understand.  Worse then feeling jealous of the online folks, I started feeling really jealous towards Kim.  Get's pregnant and has children, no problem.  Then I think well hey, I get pregnant no problem...had Kaitlynne just fine (aside from the pre-e), what happened with Marissa was an accident.  Saying it like that makes me think of 'oops, I spilled my milk' accident.  It just seems to triviliaze her short life. 

Eh, I don't know.  I can feel myself getting pretty down again.  I'm hoping it's a dip...I'll be back 'up' and going soon.  Today is 4 weeks to the day that I found out my babygirl was dead.  Tomorrow is 4 weeks to the day that they took her from me and the first and last day I ever saw her.  How does one come back from a dip like that?

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

Today was the day.  Here's a summary from an email I wrote earlier-I don't have the strength in me to redo it:

I got the heart pendant this afternoon, and it's EXACTLY what I wanted!  It's small, but beautiful.  I'm wearing it now, and I'll be taking it to the funeral home this weekend to get it filled with her ashes.  It has her name etched on one side, year on the other.  I can't tell you all thank you enough-you have NO idea how much this has touched me.  Or how comforting it is to know I'll forever have a piece of her w/ me (outside of my heart).  The cross pendant was filled, and Alex is keeping it.  He's not sure if he's going to wear it or put it in his car...either way, he's very happy to have a piece of her, as well.   As for the service today... we got there and the first person I saw was my Aunt, whom I haven't seen in over a year.  Behind her, 2 women from my church (haven't attended in over a year-had a falling out with God and His minister of choice...new ministers there now).  My best friend Kim was there, and a gal I met online awhile back who also attended my babyshower was there w/ her husband and youngest child.  I was talking to them when I turned and saw a man belonging to my church that was youth director wayyyyy back when I joined.  I went to him and he put his big arms around me and I just cried like a baby.  My brother was supposed to come-we tried waiting for him, as well as Alex's brother.  We both called and left messages for them, but had to start the service.  The minister said a couple of prayers, a couple of pretty scriptures.  He blessed her ashes, then ended the service.  I had been holding up fairly well-then he came over to me and held my hand and said that if I ever need him or the church...well, whatever he said after that, I didn't hear...I just cried and cried.  I was saying the final acknowledged goodbye to my baby after 9 months (and many years prior to that) of waiting for her.  It has officially sank in, but there was a small sigh of relief that this part of the grieving process is done.  It's now private...I don't have to make appearances for this anymore.  Well, everyone left pretty quickly, leaving Alex, myself, mom, andKaitlynne.  Mom had brought a flower and Kaitlynne said she wanted to give it to Kevin (her brother).  He's inturred in a sundial with his mother in the cemetary, along with Kaitlynne's paternal grandparents.  We drove back and we got out (not Alex), went and visited their sites (Kevin's had a picture on it-that was kind of nice, someone had tied a school picture on it).  We then left and got lunch (crazy, I know..most of this afternoon is a blur to me).  Mom took Kaitlynne back to our house, while Alex and I ran the piddly little errands we had to run...and just took comfort in being together.  I found out that he had not talked to me yesterday because I left for the morning and didn't leave him a note.  It wasn't meant to bother him, I was trying to leave him alone so he could get some sleep.  Anywho..we were together today...and we'll be together every day.  I mentioned to my Aunt today that Alex is a keeper, and all the gals standing around said, "Oh yes, we've heard all about him!", and my Aunt adds, "And he's so cute, too!"...LOL.   Anywho...the day is over.  The pain is not.  I left the hospital with no child..just a 'consolation prize' folder containing small but GIANT memories of Marissa.    I'd love to thank my friends...all of you.  The one's who live down the road, across town, across the world.  You all think that there's nothing you can do to help me...but you all have helped me more then you'll ever know.  Nothing will take the place of our daughter....the road ahead is rough, but with you all, we'll make it.  Here's the quote in my message-board signature..it's been a great source of comfort to me:   "Lord, I wanted to hold my little one on my lap
& tell her about You.
But since I never had that chance,
Will You please hold her on Your lap &
tell her about me?"

To Marissa, my sweet baby girl.  People tell me they're sorry I didn't get to know you-that's not necessarily true.  I know you liked subway, hated hot baths.  You thought it was fun to kick the remote of my stomach, preferred I lay on my right side.  I don't get to see you smile, hear you laugh or say 'mommy' or 'daddy', feel your cheek against my lips as I kiss you goodnight...  No, it's not fair.  I have to know that you are with me, I just can't see you.  And that we'll all be together soon enough.  I love you-I wish I had been able to tell you that in the hospital-but I was in such shock that such a beautifully perfect baby wasn't coming home with us.  We'll forever miss what you were to us, and what we had hoped you'd be.  We love you, angelbaby.  Help us get thru this.  Please.

Forgot something...

Forgot to mention about the pendant.  I emailed all the gals involved about the pendant sent yesterday, and one IM's me asking if I, indeed, got a cross.  I said yes, very pretty.  She says they ordered the silver heart sliding pendant/chain that I had picked out when I was talking to Niki few days ago.  Gals are pissed.  I feel kinda bad, I really loved the cross-and more then the cross, I loved the feeling of having people who cared that I didn't know cared so much.  Anywho, Jenn emails the owner of the company, he emails her back saying they will send etch the heart early today (Thursday) and overnight so it will be here tomorrow morning.  Also said to keep the cross (which Jenn had asked he do, and I kinda figured he would, considering the delicacy of his business and to have a screw-up..well, that's just not too good).  So, the cross will be filled, and if Alex chooses to wear it (up to him), that's what the gal's hope will happen.  I'll have the cute little heart pendant with her name/year on it.  I still can't believe this group of gals did this-there's 1 of them I don't even know and she pitched in!  How amazing to have friends like that-I only hope to be able to be to them what they've been to me someday.  Jenn called last night on the cell phone to tell me that the guy was replacing it (and yes, that's fine, Jenn..we never sleep anyway...LOL), and she said "Marissa had a different plan for the pendants, I guess."  I thought how wonderful that people recognize our daughter as a being..an entity, if you will.  I'll end this little addendum with something Gretchen said to me last night in IM (I told ya I'd make ya famous, Gretchen..LOL).  This totally made me just start crying...what a wonderful thing to say...thank you, Gretchen:

"Gretchen" [9:33 PM]:  I believe that Marissa is up there right now, picking out the perfect child for you.  She will bond with that child, and then send them down to your womb.....along with a piece of her.

T minus 17 hours 49 min...

Okay so today I had my WIC appointment (I didn't know they gave it to you for 6 months if your baby dies...).  Anywho, I asked Kim to go with me (I have been avoiding her-people in general, really-like the plague).  She had Danny with her-said he was sick (I think he's got nerves for the FCAT coming up next week).  Anyway, they waited in the car because Danny didn't want to get out and go in.  I get in there, sit down.  5 minutes later a gal calls me to her window.  She asks how I am...I'm ok.  She asks how the baby is and if I'm breastfeeding...baby's dead, not breastfeeding.  Well, that shut her up kinda quick.  Didn't say it in a nasty way-but dang, it was put on my file when I called in a few weeks ago to tell them...she coulda read the big red letters that even I could see from where I was sitting.  Ok, anywho I have to see the nutritionist.  I get back there, we do weight (lost 25 lbs of the baby weight), height (I'm shrinking-5'9'' now..LOL) and iron check (good).  Then I have to see some counselor-gal.  She's very straight-forward, by the book.  Asks me if I delivered the baby (did she think I still had her?  I wasn't sure what she meant so I just said 'cesarean').  Asks me how my appetite is...told her I get a meal in every day.  Just one?  Yeah...lucky about that-just not hungry.  Make something, look at it, put it in the fridge.  Go to out to eat, take a few bites, give it to Kaitlynne or Alex.  Blah. Anyway, she tells me to start taking folic acid and to continue taking whatever prenatal I was taking since we want to try again.  Okie dokie, get my WIC checks from the nice fella who sends his condolences about the baby (the only one who did while I was there) and be on our way.

Go to the funeral home.  I have to drop off the porcelain heart we decided on for Marissa's ashes, and the cross pendant so they can fill it before they seal it.  I told them another pendant was coming, too (thanks gals...y'all rock more then words..explain down further), and he said he'd keep just enough out for another necklace, then seal it up.  Asked me if we wanted the chapel or the other room (it's more cozy-living room type setting).  I chose the other room.  The chapel was big..imposing.  I so can't wait to get this over with...that sounds selfish, I know...this is my daughter's memorial service-I should be thankful to be able to have this time to reflect.  I reflect way more then anyone wants to know about, trust that.  Don't need an audience while I do it.  Anywho, he said he'd get the prayer cards ready, too.  (I had asked for Lorraine-the woman who came and spoke with Alex and I at the hospital-I can never get her by phone and he said she wasn't there.  I'm thinking she doesn't work there anymore, since he kept saying he'd help us.)

Went to Kmart next in Belleview (she had to get Donald some gloves for work).  I get my folic acid as requested, some more shampoo/condition, hairspray.  Actually got up the gumption to go walk around looking in the baby aisles with Kim.  Think it helped her-might have been ok for me, not really sure-haven't thought about it.  Saw this thing I had been wanting to buy since I was pregnant with Marissa on sale really cheap...picked it up, ALMOST bought it, not really thinking twice.  Stopped myself-put it back. 

Get back in the van and start driving..while we are, Kim says "I can tell you are having a decent day, but you aren't yourself anymore." Can't say much to that other then : get used to it?  I don't see me coming back ever again...not saying I can't be happy at some point again-just can't get back that last little bit of innocense I carried, I guess.  Trusting that those really, really bad things that happen to others wouldn't happen to me.  I stand corrected.

Well..that's about it.  Alex isn't speaking to me, for whatever reason...I didn't do anything that I'm aware of, guess I'll see how that plays out.  Sucks, we've been getting along fabulously, I left him alone today so he could get some sleep-he's not talking to me.  It's taking all my mental-strength from not crawling in the black-hole that tomorrow is carrying with it, I can't spare much to figure out what it was I did or didn't do to him.  Tomorrow we'll need each other more then ever...hopefully I'm not sitting alone while the minister tells me about how God doesn't give us what we can't handle-God overestimates my strength.

*cracking knuckles* This could be long...LOL

Okay...we'll start with yesterday.  Stacie, my kindred soul...she sent me a 'keep busy' bag.  Had a deck of cards, puzzle, maze game, old maid cards, candy, stationary..so much stuff (in an Earnhardt Jr bag, no less-that had to hurt the Stewart fan..LOL).  She's been such a doll-she's experience numerous losses (I hope she doesn't mind me posting that)...so she's one I can talk to (or not talk at all) and she 'gets it'.  Not the common bond someone likes to have-but nice to know you're not alone.  Stacie is co-owner of a few stores as well as an online store.  She has created a scent in memory of Marissa.  She has made tarts, candles, soaps, bath salts, lotion, and body spray all in this scent named 'Angelbaby Marissa'.  Mixture of baby powder, honeysuckle, touch of vanilla.  She says it smells heavenly-I trust her judgement completely.  I 'rep' for her store, but only cuz I 'rep' for her-she's a wonderful person.  I can't wait til the scent comes out.  It's going to be the 'scent of the month'.  She's sending a gift package so I can smell it, as well as samples for Alex and I's mom's.  What a doll...if you read this, I love ya, woman-thank you..for everything.

Throw in there a wonderful night w/ my sweetie-I love you, Alex.  I'll leave it at that *smile*.

Another throw in for today:  Prince finally get snipped, thank God...the dog can live.

Today-whewwww today.  It's been a kleenex-day, but in a good way...so to speak, anyway.  I should mention first I got a card in the mail from Gretchen.  Gretchen and I co-hosted an online babyshower from an email loop-had major falling out (I do think we agreed to just blame this shyt on hormones...LOL), caused falling out with Jenn, in turn...eh, hard to explain all this.  Just goes to show that the words on this screen have impact, tho...now more then ever, tho...(oh keep going, this only gets better..LOL).  So the Gretchen-letter...very much a shock to me, but it was a very nice letter.  Followed by a very nice IM later on, and then today.  Today, I got a card from Gretchen.  Enclosed were the names of several ladies (I don't want to put s/n's, but y'all knowwho you are) who contributed to a 'package' that they hoped would comfort me.  I had no idea what that meant, but the card comforted me a great deal.  Well...this afternoon, I got the package.  I opened it, and pulled out a tube of super glue.  I thought..well ok, must be some freebie thing I applied for and forgot.  Was about to put the box down, then saw something else in there.  It was a small giftbox for jewelry.  I opened it and there was something wrapped up in a piece of paper (yes, I'm dragging this out..building up to it...).  I slowly unwrapped it and my eyes caught glimpse of a name etched into a beautiful gold cross:  Marissa.  I picked it up, turned it over..the year etched into my soul, 2005.  It's a crematory cross.  It's to hold a small bit of our daughter's ashes, so that I can hold them close to my heart.Large Cross Keepsake - Silver or Gold This is a picture of one, tho the one I got is gold.  Her name is etched on there-it's so pretty.  I broke down-but with tears of..I guess shock, more then anything...shock that someone (quite a few someones) would do this for me.  I sent a really loooooong kleenex-required email to them, and the responses have touched my heart.  I saved them.  I'm going to print all of these emails out (I have so many from since everything was originally posted a few weeks ago to now) and put them in her memory book.  That's a project for a rainy-day far down the road-but one I will eventually be able to do.  Right now-the porcelain angel face (another gift from an online friend) hangs on the nursery door.  I can't explain how I feel more then I do in this darn thing (heaven forbid I leave AOL, I'll have to print this whole thing first so I can continue..LOL).  For some, it's a window into my soul..to try to get some sense of understanding as to the depth of this unbearable pain.  For others, it's like reading their own thoughts and fears.  Whichever, it helps me.  And if it helps you (whoever you all are that are reading this), that helps me even more.  And it keeps Marissa's memory alive.  Some don't understand why I need this so badly-her memory remaining, I mean.  Some do.  That's not one I can explain other then to say she is our child.  I have keepsakes of my living child, I have to have them for Marissa, too.  A new baby will not replace her-that's impossible to do.  He/she will just fill this emptiness in my arms, and hopefully help heal some of this hole in my heart.  *Hugs and prayers* to my family and friends..online, offline, and up there with Marissa. 

Today

Well, I made mention to a couple people that I had that 'feeling' today.  That 'borderline meltdown' feeling.  I fought it most of the day (which, btw, it's a crappy overcast day).  I went to Rhino to exchange a game for Alex (that went pretty good, I picked out a game that was the same price-they were marking it down, so we still have a $5 credit).  Then I went to this liquidation place Kim told me about-that was kinda neat.  Neat stuff in it.  Lady told me that Kaitlynne was so well behaved.  I told her she was having a good day-she normally causes her havoc like every other child.  I saw they had really cute baby stuff-made myself keep walking.  I did buy a maternity shirt at Goodwill a few days ago-in hopes of being able to wear it someday.  I said to someone today that I had gotten to the acceptance-phase.  NOT accepting that my daughter is dead-I can't and WON'T accept that.  Accepting that there is nothing I can do to bring her back.  I think part of the euphoric-feeling I've had the last few days is because some part of me is still in major denial-thinks we're either still pregnant, or that none of this really happened, period.  I know we'll have a child...but that doesn't change the fact our daughter, Marissa, is gone.  We'll never know what could and should have been.  The same God I pray to every night to protect Kaitlynne is the same one I'm not talking to for NOT protecting Marissa. 

I finally did the 'Thank You' cards for the hospital staff, doctor, Stacie, and Alex's mom.  I have more to write, of course, but these-they were hard enough.  "Thank you for sending the beautiful sympathy card" (for our dead baby) "it was greatly appreciated."  I had to put a picture of the baby in Alex's mom's card...as well as a lock of the baby's hair and a copy of the obituary (all things she requested).  Guess what that meant.  I had to enter the morbidly-intact nursery to get my 'parting gift' from the hospital (most women leave with a baby-I got a folder with feetprints, hair, tags..yay me).  Everything is just as I left it the day I went to the hospital.  Except, of course, where Alex put the carseat/stroller and diaper bags back in there out of the car.  Little blanket in the bassinett, folded back on one side....forever waiting for a baby to be underneath it.  Everything is there, forever waiting..like me...for what won't come.  Yes, there will be another baby in there, some day....but Marissa will never see all the things we bought, or were bought for her. 

Today's a bad day...only gets better.  Wednesday is the last due date I was given.  It's amazing how people see me and just act like nothing ever happened.  She didn't exist to them.  Some days I have to remind myself she existed at all...I'm the only one who seems to want to remember.  My friend's don't call me anymore.  No one wants to go shopping or do lunch.  No one knows what to say or do, so it's apparantly easier to just...forget I exist, too. 

**Added notation on 2/22/05**  I realized last night (couldn't sleep-tried to do it on my own, minus drugs-that didn't work out so good), WHY yesterday (above entry) was so rough....well, for one, it was 3 weeks to the day since the csection.  3 damn weeks-it feels like an eternity of heartache already, not just 3 weeks...only thing I could think of was 3 and a HALF weeks ago, I was pregnant and happy...

Second reason...yesterday (2/21) was Kevin's 19th birthday...or atleast would have been, if he was still alive.  I knew what it was all day, just didn't mention it...

Anyway, that's the addendum...I'll do another entry later**