Outside looking in...

AOL has finally let me on my journal..3 days w/out their browser is more then annoying.

Well, AF officially showed on Thursday and was gone just as quick by Friday.  I guess that was my first one, tho pretty irregular.  I looked at the ovulation calculator online-said if we got preggo on my fertile days this month, baby would be due on Christmas-thought that was kinda neat.

Alex and I had our big plans to go to Busch Gardens today.  We got our passes online, both got all giddy to go (we don't get out much, apparantly).  Kinda saw it getting doomed..Kim and Donald backed out because of $$, and then Alex said he 'might' have to work (which, if I'm sitting here writing this thing, must mean he DID get called in).  We even had mom out here to spend the night so we could leave early.  Oh well, guess there's not much that can be done, right.  Was just kinda bummed.  Alex and I still have our weekend away in a couple weeks-I know we'll get that.

Last Thursday I had gone to town to get Kaitlynne's prescription..kinda had the feeling when I left the house I should stay home, but brushed it off.  I got the pills, called Alex to see if he wanted me to get him some dinner since they were so busy down there, then started to head out across SR 200 (very busy road).  I saw only one car coming and it was getting in the turning lane, so I started to pull out into the middle lane myself.  The car changed it's mind and came flying back out into traffic, so I had no choice but to stop where I was, with oncoming traffic coming at me.  I never saw the motorcyclist (tho there's nothing I could have done at that point if I had)...I heard him screech his tires, saw him (in slow-motion) lay his bike down and come running at our car (the car 'broke' his run...stopped him, if you will).  I put the window down and was hollering at him to see if he was ok (he never did fall or anything...I was amazed).  He yelled at me asking why I stopped, and I pointed at the car speeding right past us (that driver saw me pointing at them and flipped me off).  I pulled back into the store's parking lot, as did he.  He was so worried about his bike, and I'm just asking him over and over ifhe's ok.  He says he doesn't have his license on him (ok..whatever, I'm not askin questions, I'm in total shock here), and says the damage is very minimal, he'll just let me know how much after he has his buddy fix it up.  I say ok, get in the car, and go to the hotel.  Since that point, I've done nothing but think of the 'what ifs'..what if he had been going faster and been killed...what if it had been a car, not a cycle, and killed us all (I had Kaitlynne in the car).  I had nightmares before it happened anyway, now they're a little darker and more twisted...I'm afraid to get behind the wheel now.  I do, of course-life has to go on...but I'm scared...I have things I need to do today, actually...and I'm not going to.

I've made a webpage for Marissa (Warning to those who don't want to see:  IT HAS HER PICTURE ON IT!)  Turned out really nice-thanks Niki for resizing her pic for me, and thanks to those who have visited thus far and signed her guest book.  I'll put the link on the bottom of this page.  Sometimes it's really hard for me to look at her...and yes, I still get the bullshit comments 'it happened for a reason' (what the hell reason is that??) or 'its for the best' (noooo, being w/ her family is for the best).  Or there's the damn tension it has created between most everyone I know and myself.  Of course they're my friends, and care..but it's hard for them to even look me in the eye now.  I'm guessing that will pass. 

Ok, well...I have another entry I'd like to make, but I think I'll save that for another day.  It's more of a mushy sentimental thing, and after the dreams I just had during a short nap-I'm just not feeling it right now.  Here's the link to our sweet baby's page:  Marissa Cheyenne

Got a visitor...

Bout dang time AOL let me to my journal...kept saying page not found..pfft.  Ok, let's start the updating:

My precious kitty is doing MUCH better.  Cost a pretty penny, so he is now officially an investment.  Still has a small sore on his tongue and on antibiotics, but eating and healing nicely.  Blood work came back fine, so it was nothing ingested.

I do believe as of yesterday, AF has made her first appearance since giving birth to Marissa (AF=Aunt Flo=period).  This, surprisingly, is a good thing.  It means that 1) my body is healing nicely and after 1 regular cycle it's said to be safe to conceive and 2) that we now have a timeframe to attack each other-ovulation days.  Never thought I'd say I was happy to see my period, and I NEVER thought, after everything that's happened, I'd put 'hopeful' in the mood box up there. 

My heart still hurts every day that Marissa isn't here.  I actually had to go back and re-read the journal entry from the day I got out of the hospital because my mind is slowly blocking bits and pieces out.  Then I feel guilty like I'm forgetting her-Alex says we're just moving on with life.  I know we have to, and I think I am..most days, anyway.  Sometimes I sit here and one little thing will trigger it..and I have to put the away message up and the cell set to voicemail-just can't talk to anyone.  Kim won the babyweek at walmart bassinett with a bunch of stuff in it...very cool.  I was actually able to go in that room where she keeps her baby stuff with her and look at it and talk just fine.  This will sound stupid to anyone else, but I miss 'me'....the 'me' that died with my daughter.  Alex says he didn't get much time w/ me before I was pregnant-was kinda glad to have some 'us' time...it's too bad that the 'me' that was-isn't.  I hope I'm still good for him-he seems happy with us...I know I am, very much so.

Eh, that's enough of this for now...today's been fairly decent, I don't want to ruin it.  We got our Busch Garden/Sea World passes today.  Going Saturday to Busch Gardens with Kim and Donald, then Alex and I are going for a couple days to Orlando (I got a free hotel night stay, picked the one w/ the hot tub), and we're goin to Sea World.  I'm very much looking forward to it...so different having a guy that likes to go out and do things instead of sit in a chair, drinking himself to death....

Day #33

I dunno about today...on the 'verge'.  Of what, I don't know.  Alex and I did our grocery shopping and went to dinner last night while mom kept Kaitlynne.  Mom stayed the night since Kaitlynne had her first t-ball game today w/ the BBQ.  Game was ok-kinda got annoyed that the coach didn't really instruct the kids very well-see what next game brings.  Had to listen to some bitch that screwed Kim over talk all about baby this baby that (Kim and Donald were there, too-their boys are on the same team as Kaitlynne).  I just kinda backed-off...let Kim have her moment in the spotlight, so to speak.  This all really sucks.  The part of me that's her friend is trying so hard...I'm so happy for her, this will be her last baby, I want her to enjoy her pregnancy.  The part of me who is wearing a beautiful pendant w/ her baby's remains in it is so pissed, jealous, hurting so terribly bad... I know Kim could tell what was going on-we went up to get our food together and she smiled and said something about the nerve of the woman coming up and talking to her at all...

Susan called, asked me to come over today for awhile.  She's home w/ just her and the baby for the weekend.  I thought cool deal at first, then Alex said maybe that wouldn't be a good idea for me just yet.  I said I honestly didn't know if it would be or not.  Here we still sit at quarter after 2pm...maybe it's not such a good idea, especially w/ today's frame of mind.

Miracles do happen, even in the deepest moments of despair.  Niki's pregnant.  This (tho yes, she joined the group of folks I love, but can't stand at the same time) is WONDERFUL news!  I pray for nothing but a beautiful healthy baby for her and her husband.  Carolyn thinks she might be pregnant, too.  Maybe all the March angel mommy's will be due in November-wouldn't that be a hoot.  I can only hope to see those 2 beautiful lines soon...

Think I'll stop at this for now...I've found that the 'verge' I'm standing on is the brink of reality, and the brink of the dark hell in my heart....need distraction to stay afloat, so I'll check back later.

My Furbaby :(

Well, my precious kitty, Smokey, hasn't been well the last couple of days.  Anyone that knows me well, knows how much this dang cat means to me.  I have 3 cats-love them all-but Smokey is special.  He was the first cat I was 'allowed' to have after I left my exhusband (who claimed allergies).  I got Smokey, and his brother, for Kaitlynne for Christmas year before last.  His brother didn't make it, unfortunately..but Smokey's been with me since.  He is the best-tempered cat I've ever had.  Always loving on everyone...  Anyway, the day before yesterday I noticed he was drooling alot.  I kept him inside last night, he was still drooling and had his tongue sticking out just a bit.  He wasn't eating or drinking, just wanted to sleep quite a bit.  So Alex told me to take him to the vet (this, too, caught me offguard-my ex always told me w/ my animals 'if they die, they die').  I get my precious boy down there, he's quite calm...they take him back to do the feline leukemia test on him.  Ok, here's where I lose it (yep, meltdown in the vet's office).  I'm sitting there thinking 'I just lost my babygirl, and now I'm going to have to put my cat to death...'.  I'm crying, vet comes in (he's been my animals' vet for years, nearly family at this point), gives me a big hug and says the leukemia is negative.  He takes a tongue compressor and opens Smokey's mouth and says ,"OMG, I've never seen an ulcer that big!"  I was like huh?  So he shows me.  My poor kitty's tongue is one big sore.  Vet tells me Smokey has licked something poisonous and burnt the top layer of his tongue off.  Says he's in excrutiating pain, which is why he won't eat/drink.  I had no idea.  Smokey's temperment stayed even-keel, just sleepy and drooly.  They kept him to give him antibiotics and pain meds (if the pain meds work and Smokey eats on his own, he can come home tomorrow..if not, he'll have to get a cathetar inserted to give him fluids). 

It seems silly, almost, to be comparing this to losing my daughter.  Not really comparing, I guess...more 'adding on to'.  I don't want any more death, even if it's "just" my cat.  My family, friends, and furbabies mean everything to me-they all symbolize something in my life.  Aye, I dunno...I just hope to God he's okay...

Finally got my T-Mobile shut off..I swear, I've been at them all day trying to get thru, kept disconnecting me.  Alex finally got thru to them, finished it..bastards. 

Niki:  I won't say too much in here just yet til we got definates, but girl...I'm praying for ya.  I so hope those 2 lines stick!

Day 31 without Marissa....that's 30 days, 23 hours, and 59 minutes longer then I thought I'd make it....

Hump-day

I finally talked Alex in to going to Olive Garden (been wanting that for awhile).  Sucked.  Small-ass portion, and I had just filled my salad plate, my cell phone rang, and the wench server took my damn plate!  So I said screw it, left her a nasty note and a crappy tip.  Told him to remind me of that if I said I wanted to go to lunch again anytime soon.  We've been eating lunch out lately, but I dunno...just seems like the thing to do when we have alone time..go do adult stuff w/ no one hollerin for a happy meal.

Hmm, today...today's been kinda hard, dunno why.  Not necessarily fighting back tears-just fighting back rough thoughts.  I've REALLY missed not having a baby today...of course I miss not having Marissa everyday, but today I had the 'arm aching'.  Fellow angel mommy's know...this is a real condition.  My arm's literally ache from being empty.  After being out with Alex today, I pretty much laid low--didn't want to see babies.  Didn't want to see anyone I know.  I kept my away message on most of the day-just "couldn't".  I probably shouldn't have bought those preggo tests just yet-it's hard seeing one line.  I did the infertility thing for over 2 years before being blessed w/ Kaitlynne, then 6 years after her.  Then my Marissa gave me 9 months...and no more.  My best friend is pregnant (saw her today), and she's already poking out pooch at 8 weeks.  I want my baby back.  I want to go back to January 29th, realize something wasn't right, made them get her out before she slipped away.  Alex says for me to stop blaming myself-but when something happens to your baby inside you...who do you blame?  I told someone today (who told me I sounded like I was doing good) that denial seems to be a pretty good look for me.  I'd love to crawl into a ball, forget life for awhile.  People expect things from me, tho.  I'm the jokester.  I make THEM happy when they aren't...help them forget about THEIR lives for awhile...my only escape is to come online, forget reality behind me.  I love my online friends dearly...just wish I wasn't always 'on stage' for my offline friends.  They don't know how to react when I'm not cracking up, tho.  Then they either just don't call me, or there's some wierd tension going on while they struggle with the 'me' that's here now. 

I'm having a pity-day.  I've lived thru alot of hellish things, and I know I'll live thru this-but this is the FIRST thing that has ever made me not WANT to move on.  I want my baby back.  I'm not June Cleaver, but I do ok...she would have been happy, I would have certain of it.  I know, I know..."she's happy where she is now"...I'm not.  She should be here, with her mommy, daddy, sisters....  Dark thoughts, today...dark, dark, dark....

Sisters Attic site...

To update from the entry from a couple of days ago about the scent made for Marissa (wowsers, y'all are reading this like mad..LOL): 

 

Wow, the out pouring of people going to the Sisters Attic website to see the dedication to Marissa was above and beyond...They've asked that I let y'all know they will restock and ship Tuesday of next week (everything they made sold out in less then a day!!).  They will also be setting up a page strictly dedicated to baby Marissa (and list the items there, so  no one has to hunt them down).  This is so cool!  Her memory living on like this!  One of the owners of this site called me on my cell today and said, " And you were afraid no one would remember her!!".  Just want to thank everyone who just went to take a peek at the site-I atleast wanted their hard work recognized.  ***Hugs***

 

~~I'll write more later, just wanted everyone to know THANK YOU!!!  It's so cool to know that so many people care enough that they'll take time out of their day, even if it's to visit a website, and read about Marissa.~~

Baby Steps...

Alex and I went to lunch at Sonny's.  We live a pretty decent life, tho we whine about never having enough money.  I know I personally don't know anyone who ever has 'enough' money...lol.  After picking up Kaitlynne, we headed off to her doc appointment.  I changed her meds again-lessening them to one's that I've seen are effective.  I'm crossing fingers-I'd love to wean her off of them, eventually...see where life takes us on that one.  She saw her counselor today-actually talked some, that's an improvement.  I wish I had more money-could get her better counseling.  Guess I should be happy she gets anything.  I dropped her prescriptions off at Walgreens, and had to do the waiting game, so I went to Wal-mart.  I delayed going there-thought of going somewhere else, but decided to just go and do 'it'.  By 'it' I mean I took Marissa's hospital picture back to the Kodak picture-maker and made more wallet-sizes.  This-is a huge step for me.  In order for me to GET this picture, I had to go in the nursery.  The nursery that stays behind a locked-door.  Kim was here for a few minutes after school today-she came in the nursery with me.  I showed her the picture and a few things the hospital gave me.  I think she only looks at these things for me, because part of her knows I NEED to show them to people.  I NEED to know that Marissa doesn't have to be swept under a rug so as to not upset anyone.  You don't get better friends then that, you know?  People who let you talk about something that makes them uncomfortable, but they listen to you anyway.  Just listen.  Let you, be you.  I'm gettin teary-eyed, lemme get back to Wal-mart.

I make the extra 18 wallet-size (I can't believe how many people want one of these-goes back to the I need to show Marissa off..).  I wanted to make a disc so that I had her picture online, but I needed help.  The woman from the photo lab comes over, asks for the picture.  I hesitated.  I handed it to her, and she just took in a deep breathe...she finally said 'how beautiful is she', and had tears in her eyes.  I begged her not to do that, it was taking every ounce of willpower for ME not to break down doing this.  She just kept saying how sorry she was, and told me they see this nearly every day (that's a VERY SAD thought...so many other destroyed families...).  She made me the disc, as well as a blowup, free of charge.  I just paid for the wallets (at my own insistance).  Everyone's been so wonderful-I hope that I can be like that for someone....give them a little bit of faith restored in the human race. 

Mom, Kaitlynne, and I went and had a Greek salad today while I was waiting for her pills to finish.  That was pretty good, haven't had one in awhile.

**5 minute break taken**

We're planning a day-trip to Busch Gardens with Kim and Donald.  They have 2 year passes for Busch Gardens and Seaworld, we're just doing the 1 year pass you get for being a FL resident w/ purchase of a 1 day ticket.  I'm looking forward to it-I know Alex has been dying to ride a roller coaster.  I'm passing on the coasters this time (tho I love em).  I'm just taking precautions in case I *am pregnant, and also to keep Kim company cuz she IS pregnant.  I know we'll have a good time-they have plenty to do besides coasters.  As long as I'm with Alex and my good friends, I'll be happy.  Mom is keeping Kaitlynne, going to take her to Fun Factory or maybe Chucky Cheese-she'll have a blast.

On a side note:  today I was in line to check out at Walmart, the woman beside me at the other register had a small baby, maybe 5-6 mos old.  The lil man smiled at me-and it was then I knew for sure that I'd have another baby soon.  I can't explain it, I'm sure it sounds corny...but I just knew.  I teared up, but in a good way.  It was like a sign from Marissa to let me know to keep my chin up-she was right there with me...

**Quick add-on to this entry:  Alex, before you ask why I didn't tell you what all I did today-it's because I know talking about Marissa upsets you and you prefer not to right now-and I respect that-I love you.  And to any of my friends who would like to see a picture of our beautiful baby girl, email me.**