Thoughts escaping...

I just have to get this out...I've been thinking about a couple of different things alot lately.  For the gals trying so hard to conceive that might read this, PLEASE don't think that I'm not ever so grateful to be given yet another chance to bring another little one into the world.  One of the things on my mind lately is how I almost feel a twinge of animosity towards this pregnancy (NOT the baby)...I should be preparing to enjoy Christmas with my 8 year old AND my nearly 10 month old daughters.  Thanksgiving was ok to get thru, but when looking in the closet the other day, I found a pink 'Babys 1st Christmas' stocking I bought for Marissa...it's not fair that I have to spend every waking second worrying about whether or not I'll be betrayed again and lose another baby.  It's all just not fair...

The other thing that's been bothering me is this.  I've been asked by 3 different friends now when I want a babyshower.  I told them, in not so many words, I don't need another shower.  I just HAD a shower for Marissa.  I said they could plan a girls lunch out one day if they wanted to.  Only things we don't have are big things like a crib, a bouncy seat, things like that.  That's not what bothers me, tho...what I'm having a really hard time with is thinking of putting another baby in outfits we got for Marissa.  Toys we got for her....carseat, stroller, etc...  I know how ridiculous that might sound to some, afterall they're all new items, waiting to be used.  But I feel so guilty...like I'm taking them from her or tossing her memory aside...I don't know how to explain it really.  I've yet to unpack anything baby related.  I can't even buy anything baby related.  We look quite often at the store now, but I just can't do it.  I just keep saying "I hope we get to keep this little one"...

That's all for now, I just needed to get that out there.  Again, I know there are gals who read this who have lost and are trying so hard to get pregnant again and I don't want you to think what I've said or felt is horrible or that I'm not thankful-I am.  But same as you feel that you shouldn't be having to try so hard to get pregnant again and you should be enjoying the babies you never got to keep...same as I feel, too.  Seeing 2 lines on the pregnancy test is just a small step in a very long, very hard journey of fear, hope, faith, mourning for the little one lost, praying for the little one coming. 

Enough for me for now.  Kaitlynne's staying overnight w/ my mom tonight, and Alex and I are going to Winghouse with his brother to watch PPV Wrestling.  Toodles to all.

Something shiny & trees galore :)

Last night Alex finally gave me my engagement ring.  He asked me the third day we were together and every day since then, but when it came to giving me my ring (which we got awhile ago), he kept telling me he had never "proposed" to anyone in that way before and just wanted me to go put it on.  I said I wasn't getting married again after him, so I wanted it done the right way this time...lol.  So, last night in bed (and yes, I'll leave it at that as far as details :X) he gave me my ring and asked me to take him forever *smile*.  I thought it was really sweet, he was chucklin the whole time cuz he was nervous, which I thought was cute...  These aren't the rings we had originally planned, but we're going to get those with tax money.  It was either take the girls to Disney for Christmas or get our rings..so we got these, which are very cool.  Mines a set, his is a spinner-band.  Mine was too big (his will be too, probably), so we put some cotton tape on the back (Walmart was out of ring sizers).  We're both kinda giddy about it..dunno about a date, still working out the kinks on all further details.

When we were at Kim's mom's yesterday, Alex was *kind* enough to offer my services w/ the truck to get Kim and Donald's Christmas tree back to their house.  I told them if Donald would fix Alex's tail-lights then we'd be even.  Well, we picked up mom to go to lunch, then we met them at Walmart to get their tree.  What started out as one tree, turned into 3 trees...theirs, her sisters, and her mothers.  :(  I was a little annoyed (from her sister, to her mom, then wayyyyyyy out to their house..not a quick trek), but they've done alot for me and mine, so I did it.  I kept mom with me and we stayed at Kim's for a couple of hours.  Then Donald said he'd keep all the kids while Kim made the *quick* trip to Walmart to put a go-kart on layaway for the boys' Christmas present.  We had to go to Walmart anyway, so we met her there.  It turned into a 2 hour ordeal for her to get it (it was horrid, f'n idiots working there).  I stayed w/ her cuz I felt bad...she was getting mad at the workers, and Donald was calling every 2 seconds yelling at her and her babies were yelling in the background (which got her upset more). 

Anywho, she finally got it done, then I went to find mom.  I picked up dinner from deli, dropped mom off at home, then went with Kaitlynne and had dinner w/ Alex at the hotel.  Long-ass day, to say the least.  We both agreed wholeheartedly that we are NOT going ANYWHERE tomorrow.  We're goin to piddle around the house, put up our Christmas tree (oh yes we are, Alex....LOL), and VEGETATE!  Sunday, my mom is keeping Kaitlynne overnight so we can go to wrestling ppv at Winghouse. 

Guess that's about it...that's enough!  Whole week has been nonstop and I'm TIRED!

Happy Turkeyday :)

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving...we did.  Went to Kim's mom's house, whole gang was there.  Took a little longer for the food to get done then planned, but it was delicious.  We told Donald that we'd meet them in town tomorrow to carry their Christmas trees from Walmart home in our truck, if he would fix Alex's tail lights on his car..so it's a deal (seeing as Alex got pulled over twice in 3 days this week..once for his lights, once for speeding--no tickets either time, thank God).  I put some pics above:

1)  Josh after I put him in his carseat cuz he had fallen asleep on me..notice how he's holding hands w/ his toy dog, I thought that was so cute.

2)  Austin asleep on his Grandma.

3)  Josh after sampling pumpkin with his Aunt Helen.

4)  Kim in the kitchen after dinner, lookin' a little stoned (we'll just call it "sleep deprivation"..LOL).

5)  Kirsten with a toothpic hanging out of her mouth..it's impossible to get a pic of her.

6)  Kaitlynne playing the gameboy, looking pretty tired herself.

7)  Austin (or atleast most of him)...he was on my lap just grinning away, so I got the best pic I could..so cute. 

So, Happy Thanksgiving to all.  I wanted to tell Alex that I love him very much and I'm thankful to have him in my life.  To my darling Kaitlynne, tho it's rough some days to be your mommy, I wouldn't trade it for anything..I love you much, Bubbalou.  Lovin's to my family and friends out there.

Just a quick update for the day..

Took Kait to her speech appt, and asked that they change it to one session a week, rather then 2 small sessions.  The constant driving is taking a toll on me, and I'm sure Kaitlynne.  We're always in the truck.  I want to concentrate more on her schooling, and it's hard to do that when we're on the go.  The lady said she would call the insurance and try to get it ok'd.  I already cut her counseling sessions down to twice a month-she's been showing some improvement (other then the hands-on-hips attitude, but that's more her age than anything else), so the counselor and I both felt cutting back would be ok.  I also got to do something that I've never gotten to do before, and I credit the homeschooling for this.  I got to ask for a decrease in meds.  Partially because she had a very mild slur at times, but also because she seems more relaxed now. We'll see how it works, I'm starting the new dose tomorrow.  I also took Kait to the duckpond and fed the ducks goldfish-she got a big kick out of that.  The ducks were biting each other on the rears for goldfish-I thought Kait was goin to wet herself from laughin so hard.

Tomorrow is another speech, then stop at Walgreens for more meds (for her ear-got another ointment).  Then hopefully DONE for awhile.  We've got turkey day with Kim and them Thursday, Friday we *might* adventure out for a sale or two (last year was HELL, so we're not sure yet), Saturday nothing (ahhhhh yes), and Sunday is PPV at the Winghouse (woot).  Get the following week over with, and Alex and I can take a big breath of relief (he knows what I mean). 

I had it out w/ his sister-in-law today.  I had made mention before about his nephew, who lives next door, being just horrible.  He kicks our doors, yells crap thru them (at me, no less, not just Kaitlynne), or just walks in and goes to the fridge cuz he owns the place *eyeroll*.  Anyway, I heard his SIL yell from here at Kaitlynne, saying she's the reason I'm always mad at Josh, he does nothing wrong, Kait just lies to me about it and gets him in trouble.  I was like holy shit!  I ran over there and made it quite clear WHY Josh was not allowed at our home, and WHY I thought it best that Kaitlynne not spend so much time with him.  She pretty much said everything he does to me and her is because 'he's autistic'.  A month ago she was telling me she thought that diagnosis was wrong...I'm POSITIVE it is.  He's got HUGE anger issues-he's destroyed his room (literally, gaping holes in the walls, etc), threw rocks at our car for not letting him in to the fridge, flips the bird when Kait looks at him.  So yeah, her telling him she didn't want to play with him today (she was playing w/ his sister and her saying that to him is what caused his mom to go off on her) doesn't surprise me...I wouldn't want to, either.  She tried to say my kid is over there slipping toys in her pockets all day long.  I told her she must be mistaken, Kait did have a toy in her pocket one day, I made her take it directly back over there, and she hasn't been in there house hardly at all since...we both tell the kids to play outside.  Anyway, it's all out in the open, and she said that since she hadn't heard him say anything to me or seen him kicking our door in repeatedly, that she can't verify it happened (yes, she chose not to believe another adult about it).  I thoroughly enjoy not having to pay rent/mortgage...I just wish this situation hadn't arisen.  It was supposed to be good that they kids had each other to play with...that's turning into a nightmare.  I admit my kids' faults, she looks everywhere else but home for the reason.  She sat there and said he screams at the top of his lungs at her and her husband, destroys the house, etc...but that it's all his 'autism'.  She's got quite the shocker coming to her when he's a little older, I'm afraid. 

I guess that's it, turned out to be more than a quick update, I guess.  Toodles.

Turkey Day...#1

We went to my brother's yesterday for an early Thanksgiving (his inlaws are here from Missouri).  We took mom, too, so she finally got to see Scott.  They had a big ole spread, was good food.  Alex, Mom, and I mostly watched Nascar (blah to Tony..and what a kick in the ass that Johnson crashes on this race of all races..there's always next year), everyone else was playing video games or outside.  We stayed until about 8, took mom home, then came home.  Alex is sitting here watching WWE that we taped from Friday with the dogs (we're dogsitting Prince), I'm just goofing on here...

Kaitlynne's rash on her ear is getting worse and appears to be spreading to inside her ear now, so apparantly the ointment doc gave me didn't work.  I'm going to call and make another appt for her next week (along w/ alllllll the other appts we have).  We're in town damn near everyday now..makes it rough on both of us, and to homeschool...we usually have to do it in the afternoon (when we're both tired), but it's still going well. 

We're spending Thanksgiving with my friend Kim and her family at her mom's house (something I do every year anyway, but usually after I've had my own dinner at my own house).  We're all making this our main meal.  I did buy a turkey, tho..figure I'll make it in a couple weeks when turkey sounds good to everyone again.  I could eat it everyday..LOL. 

Everything else is going pretty well.  I'll update more if I think of it.

I say tomato, he says tomatoe

We talked it out this morning, and he explained to me why he asked me why I was scared.  It boiled down to what a couple people said to me...and he agreed...he's a guy, and he can't understand what I went thru.  He says I shouldn't worry cuz Marissa's pregnancy was completely normal and nothing I could have done to prevent what happened...and I told him that that's the EXACT reason I am scared-cuz I know that even normal pregnancies give no guarantees.  Anywho, I wanted to apologize to him on here--he was hurt cuz he knows so many people read this and it made him appear like an ass.  Granted, the way he went about it (and the way I, in turn, went about it), sucked..but it's out in the open and taken care of now.

We did go to lunch today, and we did go together to the doctors office.  Doc started out right away saying we may not hear the heartbeat cuz I'm still fairly early (12 weeks) and I'm overweight.  Did the papsmear (yuck), and the nurse went to listen to the heartbeat and GOT IT LIKE RIGHT AWAY!!!!  Doc and Alex were talking football, and she stopped w/ the doppler and everyone looked at me and said, 'You heard right?'.  I said, 'NO, All I heard was football'..LOL.  So she did it again for me...in the 140's!  It was a HUGE relief...and yes, I'm still scared..but this appt in particular terrorified me.

Thanks for the hugs and well-wishes (and the couple of gals that were kind enough to remind me that guys don't always get us, and vice versa). 

Why am I scared?

I didn't expect him, of all people, to ask me why I'm scared.  Why am I acting 'like this' when I never acted this way when pregnant before.  I asked him if he had been with me the last year during the death of our daughter and a miscarriage shortly thereafter.  Of course he was...physically.  I thought he'd be the only person I could talk to about this...and not have to explain the 'why'.  The only person who I could cry to and he'd put his arms around me and tell me he loves me-and it'll be ok.  I can't explain the 'why'.  I shouldn't have to explain the 'why'.  I'm so scared at what the doctor will say tomorrow.  It seems whenever I see him, he's telling me my babies have no heartbeats.  I don't want Kaitlynne there just in case that is what happens...she was there when they told me about Marissa-and I wish she hadn't been.  I hadn't planned on going alone...don't want to go alone, but it's looking like I will be anyway.  Showing any sort of emotion has gotten me in the doghouse again.  I can't win.  Try being terrorified and having an extra few surges of hormones running thru you.  Doesn't matter.  I had planned a birthday lunch just the two of us...and to go see the doc hand-in-hand.  Looks like I needed a reality check-and I got one.

One of those days..

I stayed up to wait for Alex last night, then when he got home we talked for a couple hours...finally fell asleep around 3am, I guess.  I had to get up early cuz Kait had speech today (and tomorrow..and yes, my dumbarse is still awake..lol).  Went there, stopped and saw Scott and Pete at the hotel they were working at, then came home.  Kait and I came in to do schoolwork, and I decided just to 'test' her (sort of) to see how she'd do with other multiplication.  I gave her problems using 1-9 (I've only taught her up to 3, but I gave her method).  I have to say, I am SO proud of her!  Out of 24 problems, she only missed 6 (and they were just simple addition errors)!  She just used the method I've given her for the other ones!  :*)  It's so amazing to see progress..and know that I had a part in a little mind learning it.  I've had so many doubts about the homeschooling, but one mom said to me, "YOU taught her to walk, YOU taught her to talk, YOU taught her to get dressed and tie her shoes...who better to teach her the rest?".  She's right...how can I find 2x2 daunting, when I taught a human being to walk and talk!  It's exciting, to say the least.

However, on the other end of the spectrum...I'm so nervous about the baby.  I have all the symptoms...but I'm just so nervous that it's all in my head.  Baby has passed away or something and I don't know.  It isn't fair!  I see other women (and girls) walking around so carefree, talking of buying baby items when they're just mere weeks along (I'm terrorified to buy anything more than what we have stored for fear of jinxing)...they're so excited, enjoying every moment.  I do thank God that I did have one of those *uneventful* pregnancies with my first.  Atleast I did get to enjoy it all, and have a healthy baby in the end.  I enjoyed Marissa's pregnancy as well, until the very end.  It's so scary, and I have no way of voicing it.  So much has gone on lately, that emotionally, I feel like I've been hit by a train.  I'm trying hard to keep it together, but it's so hard..I just want to curl into a ball and cry until I see the light again.  Yes, I'm sure it's partially hormones..I know it is.  But the fear-that's very real.  The emotional pain-very real.

That's enough for tonight...I really need to go lay down.  One last comment...results from Eddie Guerrero's autopsy were announced by his wife:  negative for drugs; his heart failed him due to damage done from the previous years of abuse.  So, to those who called yourself fans yet said trash such as needles were found in his room, or in his arm...rot in hell.  They have no reason to lie about how he died--his past drug and alcohol use was an open book.  Shame on you for trashing the memory of a man who worked hard to turn himself around.  Your slate's clean, big man...crank up the latino heat. 

 

Viva La Raza

Well, altho AOL couldn't see fit to even fit the death of such a great entertainer on their welcome page, Vince McMahon and the rest of the wrestling family did an awesome tribute.  I know Alex and I were teary-eyed pretty much before it started, and his coworkers (his family) were unafraid to show their heartbreak, too.

Prayers of healing to his family, friends, and fans.  Shame to those who call themselves any of the above, only to go around trashing his memory.  He worked hard to be where he was today...he fought the demons, and won.  Move on with your miserable lives.

Thank you, Eddie, for bringing excitement back into wrestling.  No one was more loved..or hated..as your character-you gave 110%, and that will never be forgotten.  God Bless.

Rest In Peace, Eddie

Your fans are in total shellshock...Alex and I are truly saddened.  You were so young, prime of your life after getting clean.  You inspired many, and entertained millions.  God Bless you and your family, Eddie Guerrero. 

Redemption

Should never had been something that had to be done to begin with, but I feel better that it's done nonetheless.  I think this time is it.  I hope, anyway.  I know why, now, anyway.  Not that it made me feel good to hear the truth...but atleast I heard the truth.   So many more important things in life then this stupid shit, and some of these stupid people.  Honestly, can some of them not read??  Or is it they're sure they can do a better job?  Pathetic.

We go to the doc next week.  I think that's part of the reason things came clean.  I'm scared shitless...he knows it, he is, too.  He finally saw how the game affected me...I think, anyway.  We saw a blanket at Walmart today...finally had one with Eeyore on it.  He told me to get it, if I wanted to.  We've been buying little things here and there before we actually found out we were pregnant again...but since we've found out we are, I'm scared of jinxing it.  I told him I'd come back for the blanket maybe after this week's visit.

Things aren't ok...but I'm hoping they will be.  I really want to believe that my point was received loud and clear.  That the game is, indeed, over.  Knowing that you've gotten one person to love you, want your children, want to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you should be prize enough.  Stalemate--no one wins.

Thank you

It's still early.  Alex is sleeping (I told him to go back to bed, he's got the late shift today), Kaitlynne decided taking a bath was a good idea (aye yay yay). 

Anyway, alot of thing compiled, we talked...and I believe what was told to me.  It felt...good, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, I know it's what's  going on.  Well, I should say a small part of me says there's a tiny bit of enjoyment (not sexual) involved.  Anywho, I just wanted to say 'thank you'.  Honesty goes a VERY LONG way with me.  Even if it hurts, I'd rather know the truth then be treated like a g'damn fool.  Lying never works anyway, I always am aware of my surroundings (including my home, my family, and my friends....I know....you hide it, I find out about it....you can kiss it g'bye.  I know things now about some and they don't think I do...which is ok.  Goes around, comes around).

Probably doesn't make much sense, but I won't go into great detail.  Those involved will know what I'm talking about...and those are the only ones who really need care about it anyway.

Thinking I'll take my mom to Golden Corral today (MAYBE).  Since it's Veteran's Day, all veteran's eat free (she's an ex sergeant in the Air Force).  Anyway, I'm hoping for brighter days.  The last few haven't been easy, and it's taken it's toll.  I have more important things to be concerned with-and I shouldn't have to stop to take out the trash.

I love you, Alex.  I love you, Kaitlynne.  I love you, Marissa.  I love you, angelbean.  I love you, jellybean.

Again...

I had an appt yesterday at the ob.  It was just supposed to be me seeing his nurse to give background info, but I told her I wasn't feeling too good again, so she tested my urine.  Sure enough, yet another UTI.  So, I had to go back in the afternoon to see the doctor, who gave me a script for it.  I also asked him about putting me on antibiotics for the duration of the pregnancy to prevent these (I've had one pretty much the entire time so far..my first trimester..and I have felt horrible), and he agreed.  I go for my first official visit with him next Thursday.  I'm scared (I know...I always am...put yourself in my shoes and tell me you wouldn't be) that he won't be able to find the heartbeat.  A gal on the May board just lost her 7th little angel (she's just past 12 weeks).  My heart breaks for her, also scares me..you think you're doing good getting to that point, yanno.  *HUGS* Emily, if by chance you read this.  I am so very sorry :*(

Alex did go with me yesterday.  We ran errands today.  A huge breakthrough (in my eyes) happened today, and tho I can't honestly say that I believe 100% things promised, the first part meant alot (tho it hurt to hear) to me.  I have to hope that what was promised will be done.  And this will be done, period.  I just don't feel it, but maybe I'll be wrong.  I'd love to be wrong on this topic...

Kaitlynne's homeschooling is doing well.  She's learning cursive writing, and she's pretty much got her multiplication 0,1, & 2's down.  About time to move on.  She seems to be really enjoying it.  Only have issues w/ attitude when she spends any time w/ Alex's niece and nephew next door, but I've limited that time a great deal.  I'm hoping to get her into Girl Scouts so she can have socialization with other children.  I was going to do cheerleading at the YMCA, but the price was NUTS!  She has so many appts now, and now my appts are starting..it's like we're in town all day, every day. 

Anyway, that's enough for now.  I know a few of you have emailed/IM'd with concern, and believe me, I do appreciate it.  I'm sure some might have an idea what I mean with past entries, some may not....what it is isn't important to anyone else not involved, but I'd like to say *HUGS* and thank you for all the prayers...they're definately needed and welcomed.

What if...

I've been sitting here all night, not talking to anyone but Kaitlynne.  Now, as she's been sleeping for 2 hours, I've been sitting here staring at the screen.  I've got myself totally convinced that there will not be good news tomorrow...just seems to be the way the week is heading.  I'm so scared, and I have no one to talk to about it.  Mostly because I just don't feel like talking to anyone about it, I guess.  The one I want to talk to about it, I can't.  Hurts too bad.  Atleast no one's here to witness the hormonal mess crying at the keyboard like an idiot.  No one.  I pray I'm wrong, I wish this whole week could start over.  Alot of things could start over, with me knowing now what I didn't know then.  Probably wouldn't make a difference, tho.  People will do as they do, things will happen as they happen...I can't stop them.  I can't stop anything.  Powerless.  Hurt.  Scared.  Alone.

Fixed...and broken...

I got a call yesterday from my "contact" from the insurance company that all had been fixed (heard that a million times before)...however, this time it really is fixed.  I go to my appt tomorrow, which is good because I'm sick as a dog and having pains that worry me.  But..it's fixed.

Rest of my day has been...humiliatingly hurtful and I won't go into it cuz I'm embarrassed to admit I mean so little...that the things I hold dearly are important only in my head.  The entrance to my heart used to be a priviledge when I was younger.  Then somewhere along the way it turned into simply a right, nothing that had to be earned, it was just given.  Well, no one cares about 'rights'. Rights are taken for granted...abused.  The pain is worse than a punch in the stomach..but who cares.  It's a right to do these things.  I'm a business arrangement...a doormat.  No point in making this longer...I could talk until I'm blue in the face, dehydrated from the tears cried...and my voice, my feelings..go unheard.  I've taken a number in the line of many.  I'm done.  I'm broken.

Yep

I've got a cold, my insurance is still screwed up so I have no idea who I can see now and who I can't, and the past is repeating itself in other areas.  Endless lies that hurt only me...same shit, different day.  Sorry it's not an uplifting post...guess I'm just not feeling it today...or yesterday...or maybe even tomorrow.  Screw it.