Nuttin'

Hmm..well, I don't think there's a whole lot to update lately.  My leg is really bothering me (after they put the IV in my foot-I think I either bruised or tore a muscle..doc's office pretty much said 'oh well').  I have my recheck next Monday-will ask him then.  We had a pretty quiet weekend-which is a good thing.  Got a new printer-finally retired my 7 year old HP monster.  Got off early today, so I went to the hotel to see Alex.  We then went to Walmart to do some grocery shopping, then picked up Kait from daycare (she has time on the playground at 500p-she's quite happy if you leave her be til that time is over..lol).  Ran in to two people I knew from Marion House, one being my old supervisor.  Her kids are gone for the summer, and she wants to keep Kait for the weekend to help her house have the sounds of children again (she did this a couple years ago-Kait had a blast-still talks about it).  Figure we'll see how it goes on that one.

Tried calling Matt a couple of times this weekend with no response-not real surprised, let down, but not surprised.

My other cat, Sugar, is now gone.  I'm convinced there is some wacko out here doing something to these cats...both my cats are chipped, tagged, etc..both came back religiously every night to sleep inside.  Now, Smokey's been gone since the end of March, Sugar for a week.  I've let the animal control center know, they're keeping an eye out for them and their microchips.  So sad, I miss my kitties :(

Work's going well...this is my last week training at the branch I'm at.  They really want me to stay, and I'd like to stay, but I don't see it happening.  Not to mention they can't offer me the sweet schedule I've got at my 'home' branch...so, next week I'll be going to my 'home'. 

Can't really think of much else to say.  I've been thinking alot about Marissa and our latest angelbaby...it's been very hard to keep myself from slipping into that darkness, but I'm trying.  Work helps keep me busy, and Kait keeps me on my toes for sure.  I have to hope that one day our nursery will be occupied.  Not obsessing over it-but it does come into my mind daily at some point. 

Two wonderful ladies are in the midst of opening (or re-opening, I should say) a site that sells cloth dipes and more.  Tiptoe Through The Tulips I know they'll do wonderfully-and deservedly so. 

Not much else to say, I guess.  Quiet times-which is ok.  No news is good news, right. 

::blank::

Up early this morning.  Can't seem to sleep late no matter what I try anymore.  Guess that's not a bad thing...even Kait's still sleepin.  Just me and the dog sittin here waitin for the rest of our world to get up.  I'm having one of those mornings where I'm thinking about things that I shouldn't because they only lead to me getting ticked off..which leads to me thinking about other things that get me upset.  Like knowing I'm being lied to..not a huge lie, but a lie all the same.  Nothing I hate worse.  Blah.

Had a good day at work, tho.  We were incredibly busy (no doubt), and they had me working the commercial driveup teller window.  I'm bustin' rear working nonstop, look down at my next customer, and it's Matt..my stepson from my marriage..Kaitlynne's brother.  He got this huge grin on his face and said, "Well hey there stranger!".  I was like omg..he's all...grownup.  Told me about going into the Marines, had been discharged, but hope to get back in during re-enrollment time.  Going to college for Vet something-er-other.  Gave me the number where he's at now, asked for a pic of Kaitlynne-he just looked good.  Which made me feel great.  It looks like he's finally getting his life on track-and no one deserves it more.  He seems so genuine about missing Kait and I, too...he said he'd call this weekend..see about coming over.  I hope it won't be too awkward around Alex...I know the 2 of them would get along great (especially with the sports topics)...we'll see. 

Hoping to get and go do something this weekend.  Alex and I both have the 3-day weekend...and Kaitlynne's always ready and rarin' to go.  Was wanting to go have movie night at Scott's house, but when I called them they were in Missouri!  Left last minute to surprise Pete's parents...and they succeeded in that one.  So...movie night w/ them some other time.

Physically for myself-I'm sore.  I think I might have gotten AF starting yesterday.  Feels like it.  I asked around, couple gals got it right after having a DNC-so I'll ask the doc when I go for my appt.  Mentally...well...it varies.  During the week I'm ok-working so much, tired when I get home..usually just curl up on the bed w/ Alex and Kait and watch tv for awhile, then go to bed.  Little harder when I have more free time on my hands.  I don't obsess about getting pregnant-atleast that feeling is gone (that was hard on me to deal with, as well).  However, I do sit and wonder if that untouched nursery (still sits as the day I left for the hospital to have Marissa) will ever get used.  Everyone around me getting pregnant and having no problems at all (and yes, that is what I want-I don't wish any harm on any mommy/baby).  Just wondering now if I'll ever that chance again.  The wondering is almost as hard as the obsession.  I am blessed to have one living child-and I know this.  She fell asleep in my arms watching tv last night..I just kept looking at her (she's usually bouncing around so much, can't keep her still).  She looks just like her mommy-no denying that.  My mini-me.  She'll be better looking then me when she's older, no doubt.  I'm going to keep her very active so she doesn't get overweight.  She loves doing sports-going to keep going on that one.  She's going to be a beautiful young woman.  I don't even want to think about those days.  I don't mean the teen angst, etc...I'll deal with that as it comes.  Just those days when I look and I realize she's not my little bubbaloo anymore.  She's someone's bestfriend, someone's girlfriend, someone's employee.  Man, I'm crying already thinking about it.  Why can't they stay little and sleeping in our arms forever?  "WHY"..."IF"..."HOW COME"..."I WONDER"...  consuming.

*Workin' 9-5*

Why bother reading my journal if you are going to make shit up anyway?  I've read some pretty pathetic attempts at dishonoring Alex and I's wonderful relationship.   Honestly..some of you nutjobs have way too much time on your hands...tho I give ya points for creativity @@.

Annnnnyway, went back to work today and everyone was wonderful.  I got there super-early hoping to get ahead on the computer time I missed, but you'd think these people worked bankers-hours (haha)--no one got there til just after 8.  I got right up there, busted butt, and got it all done...all 3 days + worth I had left (thank God).  Tomorrow is security classes, then 5 more days of training at the branch, then I'm finally on my parttime schedule.  They gave me all my 'goodies' from Teller Week that I had missed being at the other branch-nice stuff, company seems to have improved since I worked there before-the attitudes of the higherups is so much more understanding.  Again, tho, everyone was wonderful...all felt bad cuz my arms look so bad.  My leg has been really sore, and I figured it was from tensing up when they put the IV in-one gal told me to watch for blood clots, tho.  The thought had crossed my mind before, but made me wonder more after that.  It's suddenly not hurting in the last half hour...I told Alex if I keel over, to tell the paramedics that's what it was.  Anywho, if it's still bothering me, I'll stop in at the doc's office tomorrow after work.

I wanted to thank all those genuine folks out there for the well-wishes and condolences.  It was hard the first couple of days, then just terrorifying the couple days after that leading up to the DNC, but I'm slowing getting back on track.  I won't say this was easy-it sure as hell was not-but it wasn't as hard as losing Marissa.  If anything, it was mainly hard for bringing up those feelings again.  I see the doc in a couple weeks to get cleared, but Alex and I won't be 'actively' trying...won't be actively 'preventing' either...just going to let it happen.  Doc said before that having had the DNC should make the next pregnancy that much stronger-everything is clean (sounds bad, I know).  The job is going well, Kaitlynne is having better days (she's out of her 'snob' stage and back to cuddling on my lap..is there anything better than that feeling?), Alex and I are in such a wonderful place together...over a year I've been with him, and still get excited seeing him after work.  There's still a hole in my heart that can never be filled...but it continues to become just the slightest bit easier to handle on a daily basis.   I know I've had rollercoaster rides saying how hard it has been having my offline friends push me aside because they don't know what to say..and that truly has hurt, tho I can't say I'd know how I'd act if the roles were reversed.  However, my online friends...so much more then words on a screen.  You have been wonderful...and I know I've made some absolute friends-for-life.  I'd name you all, but I can't..you know who you are.  A gal that I've become close to thru this tragedy wrote a poem in honor of Marissa..it's so beautiful, I cry just looking at it.  In a good way, tho.  Someone who has never *met* me could write something so profoundly touching about a child that never opened her beautiful eyes...Thank you, Amber. 

Enough for now.  It's been a rough day (emotionally), but there's all hopes tomorrow will be better.  One can hope they can all only get better...for all of us (even the nutjobs).

Keeping friends close, enemies closer (not by choice)

I woke up sore today (big surprise) with such an empty feeling.  I thought I felt up to running some errands, so I went to town..got halfway thru a store and had to leave.  I kept Kaitlynne with me today (thought we'd have some quality time before I head back to work tomorrow).  She's been pretty good, is obsessed with seeing all the bruises on my arms from the IV-attempts yesterday.  Alex called to check on me-he's a good guy.  I'm glad that I found him, he found me, we found each other.  Our time together has been tough (not just with the most recent events, but with other interfering events as well), but I'm glad that I if I had to go thru it, I had to go thru it with him.

I'm tired.  Tired of "friends" tip-toeing around behind my back.  Tired of the real friends walking on eggshells around me, thinking I might snap at any moment..I know they mean well, but 'out of sight, out of mind' doesn't make me feel any better-makes me feel isolated.  Tho it's hard to have my best friend pregnant with twins, having been where I have, and am.  Tired of trusting those closest to me with my feelings (more fragile then they ever were before), only to have one of those trusted few disregard my feelings and insult my intelligence like I have no idea wtf they're up to.  You think my life is so wonderful that you have to come in from the backdoor to get you some of it?  Go right ahead.  Walk a day in my shoes you pathetic piece of shit and see how you like it.  You have no idea how much better off you'd be if you got off your lazy ass and got your own life, and got off my coat-tails.  Waking up everyday, knowing your body has failed you miserably and you've lost now 2 children, knowing your living child has such a hard road ahead of her, that your mother is slowly but surely losing her mind.  Yes, I can see where this would be intriguing @@.  You're looking for the white-picket fence, kids in the yard, big house, man to support you.  Go get it, because despite what you obviously believe in your deluded world, that is not what my life is, either.  Leave my life, such as it is, ALONE.  I have so much to deal with now, worrying about this ridiculous bullshit has already taken up far too much of my mind.  You aren't a teenager passing notes in class.  You're messing with someones reality (tho you really should take a look at your own).  Go away.  Stop treading ever-so-lightly in the background of my life.  This post took an entirely different path then I had originally intended.  Just tired of having things come to light that I've known all along but didn't want to know at all...  I can't imagine constantly disrespecting someone close to me...constantly interfering in their life, whether they know it or not, with ME knowing that what I'm doing is WRONG.  Yet, still doing it.  Complete disregard to how that person feels.  How what I was doing to them would make them feel.  I can't imagine being that low of a person.

Pincushion

Kinda groggy still, so I'll be brief.  We got the hossy at 545am.  Got up to the Surgery Admit, they tried to start the IV.  This is where it started going downhill.  Let me just fastfoward thru 13 (yes, 13) sticks, 9 blown veins, and I finally got an IV in my foot.  They said I was so dehydrated and nervous (I broke out in hives around stick 6, and I was bawling by the 5th blown vein-that shit hurts).  I got in there, was knocked out before I knew it, put on a vent cuz I wasn't breathing on my own (fairly common when under, I guess), "procedure done and a success", so says the doctor.  My arms look horrible, I'm groggy...but atleast all is done now.  I told everyone I'm not going to obsess about pregnancy again.  It happens, it happens.  The last few months have just been too much, even taking a toll on Alex (mostly him having to watch me go thru all these "procedures" and having to be the strong one when I'm not).  I have tomorrow off to rest, not feeling too bad..some cramps, mostly my arms and sorethroat (from the vent).  Thanks for the wellwishes.  I'm just feeling very...out-of-sorts, I guess.  Still half-stoned from the meds..see what tomorrow brings.

Mother Nature comes knocking...

We decided to spend the day out..hoping to keep our minds off of everything in general.  The cramping started around noon today.  Nothing severe, but knowing what I know...it's starting.  It will be done Monday.  Another 'carrot dangled', so to speak.  Whatever.  I never thought I'd be going thru all of this.  When I got pregnant with Marissa, I expected a fairly carefree pregnancy, beautiful baby at the end.  Now, I'm sitting here scared out of my mind at the thought of going thru yet another surgery to remove my hopes and dreams.  I told Kim...she just said she wished she knew what to say..and that she had never heard of a blighted ovum.  I'm finding it very difficult to want to be the ringleader of her babyshower.  None of this is her fault, of course...but this nagging thing in my mind-she's only having these 2 healthy babies because she wanted to be pregnant like I was with Marissa.  Now, I'm on loss number 2..and she's getting 2.  Horrible thinking..I know this.  I just can't stop it.  I would NEVER wish her any illwill...I want nothing but happy, healthy babies for her...but also for myself.  I've become someone that I have a hard time understanding...and not necessarily someone I'd like to know.  I spend alot of time feeling sorry for myself inside, big "happy go lucky" smile on my face on the outside.  It's a battle that's tearing me down.  No one I know offline understands at all..and would rather just avoid me all together then to maybe just lend an ear.  Out of sight, out of mind.  "Friends" never call, rarely email.  I've got the "don't know what to say so I won't" plague.  I know...wahhh wahhh wahhh.  I disgust myself, actually.  Not nearly as strong as everyone claims...really rather pathetic-just pull it off better then most. 

I've never been put under anesthesia before.  Alex says "it's routine".  Nothing's routine when you're put under.  I'm scared.  Scared at the fact that things I NEVER thought would happen, have happened..so why not this time, too?  Make me another statistic-third times the charm.

Nobody home...

Had the u/s today.  Had asked Alex to make sure he was with me 'just in case' of bad news.  'Just in case' turned out to be the 'the case'.  We were informed that the little dream of today is in fact a blighted ovum (meaning the cells stopped dividing somewhere along the way-no baby, empty sac).  I lost it-again.  How many times can deserving parents be kicked while they are down, while crackheads and 13 year olds reproduce and lightening-speed.  Again, told there was nothing I could have done differently, this is very common.  Very common...another statistic.  Another FUCKING statistic.  Anyone know just how many statistics are out there for those who 'couldn't have done anything differently' so I know which one to prepare for next?

Doctor recommended a D & C (surgery to have the 'slate wiped clean' so to speak..lovely...).  Monday morning, 630am.  Said we could try again right away that way, with no concern for 'leftover tissue' affecting a new pregnancy.  Swears that once I get past 12 weeks, I'll be fine.  He'll take good care of me.  He's so sorry.  I'm so sorry. 

Alex is doing well with it..again.  Atleast one of us isn't nuts.

Don't feel like writing anymore.  Thought about getting totally trashed today-opted not to.  I feel trashed enough without.

Sorry to all those I built up with excitement.  I won't tell anyone next time...atleast until I get to a 'safe' point.  If there is such a thing.

I blinked and time warped backwards...

I was just sitting at the branch, going over some work--a woman came in with her 4 month old little girl, and I just glanced...all it took was a glance...and BAM, the tears came from no where.  I had to dart to the backroom, I just couldn't stop them.  I'm sure part of it is the hormones, part of it is the unusual stresses as of late (new job, worrying about the u/s results)...the biggest part is I shouldn't be doing this.  I shouldn't be having another baby NOW, I should have a drooly, giggly little 4 month old NOW.  I hope and pray everyday that this new baby makes it into our lives--but I have myself somewhat 'guarded'; afraid to allow myself to 'feel'.  I think Alex is feeling the same way.  His answer to my question of "I wonder..." is "If so, then we'll try again."  So scary...we now know that things can and do go wrong...terribly wrong.  I did manage to get myself together, the woman was already gone when I came back out.  It was just the headteller and myself, I blamed it on hormones and went on my way.  They know I've lost Marissa-and they've been very supportive.  But, like every job, you really have to leave personal life at home.  It's hard when your personal life is thrown at you with everyday reminders...but I got this job so that I could STOP driving myself insane with the thoughts. 

Alex has been talking about names already.  He's quite sure he's 'made' another little girl.  He said he liked Marilynne, I'm leaning towards Brooklynne.  I saw a gal on one of the boards I'm on named one of her daughter's that, and I just loved it.  Kaitlynne liked it, too, since it was spelled kind of like her name.  Alex and Kaitlynne had both wanted the name Amanda with Marissa, too.  So maybe Brooklynne Amanda.  If by chance Alex made a little man, name will be Dalton Thomas.

One more day and we'll know for sure if we atleast have a little heartbeat.  It's so easy, now, to convince myself that there IS something wrong--then it's a nice surprise when there isn't.  Day by day...trying not to suffocate from the fear of the unknown...and the known....

Proud Parents of a dot

Had the u/s Friday morning, and all they could see was the sac was in the uterus.  The lady swore up and down it was just too early and she'd expect the doc would order me to come back in a week.  Sure enough, doc's nurse called today and is ordering number 2 this Friday.  The first hurdle was cleared-baby is in the uterus.  The second (just as scary) hurdle is seeing if there IS a baby.  She said something about my numbers being low, but then quickly said she only meant low as in too early.  Still scared me to hear it.  We'll see.

I started training at a branch today.  It was a branch I worked the majority of my previous employment at Amsouth at.  Great group of gals.  Should be working somewhat on my own tomorrow.  This week is 'Steller Teller' week, where they do all kinds of goodies for the teller's all week-that's been fun, so far, too.

Well, that's just the quick update-I'm so exhausted...want to sleep around 2pm...then when I get home and lay down I can't..blah.  Everyone else is good...this is the last week of school...yay for Kaitlynne (she loves her new daycare).

Viability

Worked today...was so long, but got alot done (doing the computer training).  Yesterday wasn't bad..spent the last half of the day (after lunch with Kim) down at the branch.  I was talking with Marcie (the head teller) in the back vault area and she said they'd like to teach me all aspects of the job (including what all she does).  That's pretty dang impressive, if I do say so myself.  She's just a doll.  Susan stopped by to drop something off for someone, I got a chance to ask her about a few things goin on with her...I hope she gets them settled soon, I can't imagine how she's coping.  As soon as she gets them done, and Amsouth has a fulltime position open, she'll be back in (most likely not at that branch, tho). 

Today was my doc appt, Alex met me there.  We were delayed cuz doc had to deliver a baby (awwww)..he came back for a little while (had another one about to pop, too).  He was quite excited to see us-he said my numbers look good (hormone level is doubling as it should), and (of course) a good sign that I wasn't cramping too bad and there was no bleeding.  He gave me a bunch of vitamin samples to try and find one that doens't make me sick, put me back on my BP meds from before (bp was 131/92 today), and ordered an ultrasound for Friday morning.  An ultrasound to "confirm viability of the pregnancy"..in other words, to make sure there is a healthy little belly bean growing in the right place.  After hearing that, I just got more worried.  Hopefully (please pray) things will go good Friday and I can try and relax some.  He told me he saw no signs anything was wrong, but wanted this u/s to get the ball rolling.  He told me how close the would monitor me (and told me he'd do everything he could do ease our minds during this), and that I will deliver at 38 weeks via csection.  That would make this little one a Christmas baby.  I know alot of you read this still (thank you so much for your support).  I normally don't talk directly to the masses (haha), but please PLEASE pray there is a little belly bean in my uterus, attached all nice and snug.  He also suggested I not tell anyone (ya right) including the bank about the pregnancy until I've reached the 12 week milestone.  So, I'll hold off with the bank (I almost wish I had held off telling everyone-how disappointing to have to go tell them if there is something wrong...).

Oh (can't forget this..holy crap), I was at the store picking up last minute things for dinner this evening and Alex called.  He was all giddy saying to get home now, big surprise there.  So, I get home.  I don't know how or what happened at all here, but I got a check for all the back child support in full!  Holy crap!  I was so tired (still am) that I just said "Now I can take Kait to Chuck E. Cheese like she's been beggin' for".  LOL!  Alex said we could take her shopping for some new school clothes, too.  I'm in total shock--and I don't know how it all happened (they never tell ya how they got the money-and it doesn't necessarily mean he paid it out-I still have had no contact with him, wherever he is).

Anywho, that's about it...I'm having a quiet night trying to keep my spirits up.  ((((Hugs & Love to my friends))))

ZzZzZzZz....

Today was orientation-day.  Wow, it was SOOOOO slow.  They had us do a 'working lunch', so Alex and I didn't get to go to lunch together today-maybe tomorrow.  It was nice they did buy us lunch from Scrambles (where Susan now works..thought that was kind of ironic).  They also gave out tons of freebies...tote, lunchbox, ruler/calculator, gold pin with bank name on it, 3-sided highlighter, notepad.  That was kinda neat.  Really informative spiral books, too...

Kim had called me around 230pm today (couldn't answer or call back until I was off work).  So I try to call, get nothing..her home or cell.  So I'm freaking thinking that the daycare didn't pick-up Kait from school or something.  I picked up Kaitlynne from daycare (so that was all ok), but I still can't get ahold of Kim.  So I start panicking.  I call and call, no answer...I call the hospital-she's not there (thank God), call her sister-she says she hasn't heard anything is wrong.  Finally, around 7pm, Kim calls me back.  I jumped her ass (in that loving friend way) about her leaving a f'ing message on the voicemail...damn.  Anyway, she was calling to tell me that the midwives can no longer take care of her since she's now considered highrisk with twins-so she picked my doctor to go to.  That's good-he's an excellent physician.  She said she's a little wierded out about having a guy do her exams (and having Donald there with her when he does-but won't do it w/out Donald there).  I told her this guy's so good he'll ask you a question about the weather and before you've thought of an answer, he's done with his exam.  Very quick, to the point.  And such a sweet guy-I can't wait to see him Wednesday (not just because I'm freaking over every twinge, still, but his nurse already told me he was thrilled we got pregnant after my first regular cycle).

I am sooooo tired.  It was hard staying awake in orientation this afternoon.  I have acne all over the dang place.  My feet/ankles are already starting to swell up.  My abdomen and back are cramping up pretty good.  And as long as baby is healthy, then I'll take all this uncomfort and more.  Thank goodness I'm telling the bank Thursday-I wore a pair of my regular dress slacks today and had to unzip them and pull my shirt over them. 

Double Trouble

My best friend is having twin boys.  I was so freaked when she told me..I've never 'known' anyone closely that had twins...was very surprising.  I'm very happy for her and her husband.  There's also a part of me that's really not happy.  I just want to be able to have one happy, healthy baby.  Everything seems to come pretty easily to her, especially having children.  It makes me angry that people seem to take for granted how special a thing it is to bring another life into the world.  But...it's not her fault I feel this way.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself because the overwhelming feelings that have come with finding out I was pregnant have caught me off guard.  It's what we wanted, we were so blessed to get pregnant fairly quickly.  Now I freak with every twinge that I feel.  I have myself so set up for the doctor to tell me it's a tubal or something.  I just want to 'enjoy' this pregnancy-but I can't.  That happy-go-lucky feeling that I thought would be gone, most definately is.  I guess I'm envious of that with my friend, too.  She's just bouncing around like all is right with the world.  Which, in her world, it is.  I want to scream, "Hey, over here, what about me?!?!".  Again, these aren't her problem.  I think perhaps she could be just a tad more understanding about throwing all this stuff at me and not understanding if I'm not jumping for joy, too (tho I do in front of her).  I was so worried about her seeing Marissa and going thru all of that with me while she was very early pregnant...I made sure not to talk to her about my feelings because I didn't want to scare her (and I told her this-and she said she wants to know-no, she really doesn't).  I guess I just wish I could get 'me' back.  The me that floated on cloud nine while pregnant with Marissa and Kaitlynne.  There's the guilt, too.  I actually went in the nursery for a short time to put a few things away...and start crying.  I felt like I was cheating Marissa by having another baby that will use 'her' stuff.  Sounds ridiculous, I know...I'm reading a book by a very well reknowned author that discusses all the emotions involved with trying (and succeeding) getting pregnant again...atleast her and her book tell me I'm not crazy. 

I start my bank job Monday.  I'm nervous, but in a good way...it's just been awhile since I worked, is all.  I've worked for this company before-and should do me very well to get out of the house for awhile.  Kaitlynne should have a blast at the daycare I got her into right here by the house..it's brand new, lots of playground equipment, books, music...the things she likes. 

Alex said something about going to breakfast tomorrow with my mom for mother's day.  I don't know, tho.  I'm having a hard time eating as is (which normally wouldn't be a bad thing at all-I definately could stand to lose some lbs), but I'm trying to nibble even if on crackers thru the day.  Not nausea, just no appetite.  Probably nerves more then pregnancy.

Walking on broken glass...

It hasn't sank in yet.  The only thing that makes me feel pregnant is the sheer terror of losing another baby.  Every twinge has me running to the bathroom expecting the worst. 

I was reading really old posts from the due in Feb. 05 board...between the hormones and everything else, it had me crying.  So bittersweet, but cute to read how excited everyone was.  I wish I could feel excited like that again.  I'm so happy it happened quick for us, but so scared...I can't put it into words. 

I had to get something switched on my insurance before I can see my OB.  I thought this had all been worked out prior to this, but I guess not.  I put it in writing and turned it in on Monday...hoping it goes thru quickly.  Not that he can stop anything from happening, necessarily..would just be nice to have him say everything is looking okay.

I got the bank job (now this I am excited about).  I'm waiting for them to get the drugtest results back so they can make my 'official' offer, then hopefully start Monday (that's what they want to happen, anyway).  I'll be working fulltime for about a month while training and then bringing in another person and working while they train, then I get to pick the hours I want (they're offering 2 parttime shifts, I get first choice for being first one in).  Be nice to get out of the house again...extra money for Alex and I to get a better savings in case something else happens.  Not sure what's going on with the hotel yet (Alex has been down there stripping rooms).  His dad wants to get a hotel in St. Pete or Daytona..which would be sweet :)  Will find out soon, we hope...sucks being on eggshells with it.

One more year and I quit...

Just sitting here relaxing for a few...been cleaning today and battling an f'n cold.  I went to the midwives yesterday and got the 'official' paper saying I'm 'officially' pregnant.  It was kind of neat having a paper saying that dated on my birthday.  My OB apparantly had only worked out a few things with the insurance, I had to go request something be changed on it.  As soon as it is, I can be seen...hopefully soon, he wanted to see me yesterday when I went in, but I didn't have the money to drop on it, so he said to ask the insurance company to put a rush on the change.  Stopped at Beall's outlet, got Kait a few shirts with a glittery 'K' on them and a pair of jammies that are leopard print (those are for her birthday in August).

My brother called and said that the bank had called requesting reference asap-that's a good sign, I would think after 4 weeks of going thru all this stuff getting it straightened out, they'd be ready to get it all going now..lol.

We had a good for my birthday.  Went to the Japanese steakhouse on Saturday with Kim and her family, then to Winghouse on Sunday (to watch PPV, too) with Alex's brother.  Yesterday, I cooked a rotisserie chicken dinner, and Alex and Kait went and got me a little cake.  One of the best birthdays, so many things to celebrate.  A happy, loving family, a new addition to that family, a new job, and marking one year with Alex.  I wish I would have had my little angel with us, too....but I believe, like Gretchen said a short while ago, Marissa has picked out the perfect child for us and will guard us all.