Rest In Peace, Eddie

Your fans are in total shellshock...Alex and I are truly saddened.  You were so young, prime of your life after getting clean.  You inspired many, and entertained millions.  God Bless you and your family, Eddie Guerrero. 

Redemption

Should never had been something that had to be done to begin with, but I feel better that it's done nonetheless.  I think this time is it.  I hope, anyway.  I know why, now, anyway.  Not that it made me feel good to hear the truth...but atleast I heard the truth.   So many more important things in life then this stupid shit, and some of these stupid people.  Honestly, can some of them not read??  Or is it they're sure they can do a better job?  Pathetic.

We go to the doc next week.  I think that's part of the reason things came clean.  I'm scared shitless...he knows it, he is, too.  He finally saw how the game affected me...I think, anyway.  We saw a blanket at Walmart today...finally had one with Eeyore on it.  He told me to get it, if I wanted to.  We've been buying little things here and there before we actually found out we were pregnant again...but since we've found out we are, I'm scared of jinxing it.  I told him I'd come back for the blanket maybe after this week's visit.

Things aren't ok...but I'm hoping they will be.  I really want to believe that my point was received loud and clear.  That the game is, indeed, over.  Knowing that you've gotten one person to love you, want your children, want to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you should be prize enough.  Stalemate--no one wins.

Thank you

It's still early.  Alex is sleeping (I told him to go back to bed, he's got the late shift today), Kaitlynne decided taking a bath was a good idea (aye yay yay). 

Anyway, alot of thing compiled, we talked...and I believe what was told to me.  It felt...good, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear, I know it's what's  going on.  Well, I should say a small part of me says there's a tiny bit of enjoyment (not sexual) involved.  Anywho, I just wanted to say 'thank you'.  Honesty goes a VERY LONG way with me.  Even if it hurts, I'd rather know the truth then be treated like a g'damn fool.  Lying never works anyway, I always am aware of my surroundings (including my home, my family, and my friends....I know....you hide it, I find out about it....you can kiss it g'bye.  I know things now about some and they don't think I do...which is ok.  Goes around, comes around).

Probably doesn't make much sense, but I won't go into great detail.  Those involved will know what I'm talking about...and those are the only ones who really need care about it anyway.

Thinking I'll take my mom to Golden Corral today (MAYBE).  Since it's Veteran's Day, all veteran's eat free (she's an ex sergeant in the Air Force).  Anyway, I'm hoping for brighter days.  The last few haven't been easy, and it's taken it's toll.  I have more important things to be concerned with-and I shouldn't have to stop to take out the trash.

I love you, Alex.  I love you, Kaitlynne.  I love you, Marissa.  I love you, angelbean.  I love you, jellybean.

Again...

I had an appt yesterday at the ob.  It was just supposed to be me seeing his nurse to give background info, but I told her I wasn't feeling too good again, so she tested my urine.  Sure enough, yet another UTI.  So, I had to go back in the afternoon to see the doctor, who gave me a script for it.  I also asked him about putting me on antibiotics for the duration of the pregnancy to prevent these (I've had one pretty much the entire time so far..my first trimester..and I have felt horrible), and he agreed.  I go for my first official visit with him next Thursday.  I'm scared (I know...I always am...put yourself in my shoes and tell me you wouldn't be) that he won't be able to find the heartbeat.  A gal on the May board just lost her 7th little angel (she's just past 12 weeks).  My heart breaks for her, also scares me..you think you're doing good getting to that point, yanno.  *HUGS* Emily, if by chance you read this.  I am so very sorry :*(

Alex did go with me yesterday.  We ran errands today.  A huge breakthrough (in my eyes) happened today, and tho I can't honestly say that I believe 100% things promised, the first part meant alot (tho it hurt to hear) to me.  I have to hope that what was promised will be done.  And this will be done, period.  I just don't feel it, but maybe I'll be wrong.  I'd love to be wrong on this topic...

Kaitlynne's homeschooling is doing well.  She's learning cursive writing, and she's pretty much got her multiplication 0,1, & 2's down.  About time to move on.  She seems to be really enjoying it.  Only have issues w/ attitude when she spends any time w/ Alex's niece and nephew next door, but I've limited that time a great deal.  I'm hoping to get her into Girl Scouts so she can have socialization with other children.  I was going to do cheerleading at the YMCA, but the price was NUTS!  She has so many appts now, and now my appts are starting..it's like we're in town all day, every day. 

Anyway, that's enough for now.  I know a few of you have emailed/IM'd with concern, and believe me, I do appreciate it.  I'm sure some might have an idea what I mean with past entries, some may not....what it is isn't important to anyone else not involved, but I'd like to say *HUGS* and thank you for all the prayers...they're definately needed and welcomed.

What if...

I've been sitting here all night, not talking to anyone but Kaitlynne.  Now, as she's been sleeping for 2 hours, I've been sitting here staring at the screen.  I've got myself totally convinced that there will not be good news tomorrow...just seems to be the way the week is heading.  I'm so scared, and I have no one to talk to about it.  Mostly because I just don't feel like talking to anyone about it, I guess.  The one I want to talk to about it, I can't.  Hurts too bad.  Atleast no one's here to witness the hormonal mess crying at the keyboard like an idiot.  No one.  I pray I'm wrong, I wish this whole week could start over.  Alot of things could start over, with me knowing now what I didn't know then.  Probably wouldn't make a difference, tho.  People will do as they do, things will happen as they happen...I can't stop them.  I can't stop anything.  Powerless.  Hurt.  Scared.  Alone.

Fixed...and broken...

I got a call yesterday from my "contact" from the insurance company that all had been fixed (heard that a million times before)...however, this time it really is fixed.  I go to my appt tomorrow, which is good because I'm sick as a dog and having pains that worry me.  But..it's fixed.

Rest of my day has been...humiliatingly hurtful and I won't go into it cuz I'm embarrassed to admit I mean so little...that the things I hold dearly are important only in my head.  The entrance to my heart used to be a priviledge when I was younger.  Then somewhere along the way it turned into simply a right, nothing that had to be earned, it was just given.  Well, no one cares about 'rights'. Rights are taken for granted...abused.  The pain is worse than a punch in the stomach..but who cares.  It's a right to do these things.  I'm a business arrangement...a doormat.  No point in making this longer...I could talk until I'm blue in the face, dehydrated from the tears cried...and my voice, my feelings..go unheard.  I've taken a number in the line of many.  I'm done.  I'm broken.

Yep

I've got a cold, my insurance is still screwed up so I have no idea who I can see now and who I can't, and the past is repeating itself in other areas.  Endless lies that hurt only me...same shit, different day.  Sorry it's not an uplifting post...guess I'm just not feeling it today...or yesterday...or maybe even tomorrow.  Screw it.