Happy pills

Work has taken a nose-dive.  I'm at my 'home' branch now, and there's a problem with the manager.  She wants me to bendover and take it up the yanno what and work a shift that keeps me from home (not the point of getting the job), and I refuse.  She says work it, or resign (this is supposed to take effect in a month).  It comes to it and the bank chooses to waste it's money by training me so I can quit-then so be it.  I'm hoping to just be ok'd for a transfer out.  I offered a very fair alternative to the schedule-she's not going for it.  She's been 'not so nice' ever since the branch I trained at asked if I could stay with them-she didn't care for that all that much and I think she thinks I'm causing problems with the schedule just to get out of her branch.  Has nothing to do with it-I took this job to get out of the house, stop dwelling on all the bad things, get my mind on something else...not this.

I had my followup appt. at the OB today.  Make you sit in a croweded lobby area full of happy pregnant women.  I stared at the floor thinking of the songs from "Willy Wonka" to keep from crying.  I get back to a room, wait 20 minutes, and try to figure out WHAT to think of once he gets in there so I won't cry.  He walks in, does the exam, asks about my blood pressure (it was ok)-and says he'd like to monitor it.  He says to keep taking prenatal vitamins, ok to have sex, but doesn't want us to get pregnant for 2-3 months (that's fine, but we don't do condoms and OB and I agree that birth control isn't an option so that we can get pregnant again).  He then grabs my hand and says, "I know you feel like you have a black cloud following you...one major loss, then another.  Please know it's not your fault.  I know you have faith (he then says a few lines from the book of Job), and please hold onto it.  Together with God we will see a healthy child come from you."  And I'm not supposed to start crying??  Of course I have a black cloud following me..the God that you speak of hates me, didn't you know??  He asks me if I feel the grief is too overwhelming..if I'd like to try an antidepressant to "help".  I nod my head, whilst I hang my head-ashamed, almost, that I couldn't control myself-again.  Every time I've seen this lovely man, it's for him to tell me my child has died...and that I'm healing nicely from it.  How can I not cry at that?  I can't stop crying...I feel like I'm being swallowed whole.

Alex called during the appt, I called him back.  I was, of course, crying.  He says it's ok, we'll have a healthy baby, I've got him.  Having him, and having Kaitlynne, are ALL thats holding me here.  Without, I'd be gone-no ifs, ands, buts about it.

I got home today and Kaitlynne came running out saying, "Mommy!" and gave me a hug.  Altho I feel completely lost at the moment, it helped more than her little soul will ever know-reminded me that tho I've lost 2 children now...I have been lucky to have one...something I know some women never get.  If I could just keep my mind on the positive track...then I wouldn't need the happy pills to keep me from slipping further away.