Landslide brought you down...

I've taken a full-on landslide right back to the beginning of the end.  I'm so depressed the last few days (today, more then yesterday, more then the day before..).  I cry for Marissa, for the recent angelbaby (someone emailed me to tell me she was diagnosed with a blighted ovum-she didn't believe them and she now has a 2 year old little girl from it.  Now I wonder-did I really have one?  Or did I just kill my unborn child?).  Was that email meant to make me feel better?  Sure as hell didn't help, whoever it was.  I can't say "I have faith it will happen" anymore.  I don't have faith that it will.  I see everyone around me is pregnant, it feels like anyway.  All happy, go-lucky, pregnant people.  Good for them.  Shitty for me.  I'm tired.  Slept all day, still tired.  I just don't understand what I've done in my life (past or present) to deserve this neverending heartache.  God hates me.  I say it all the time-He hates me.  I'm permanantly on his shitlist.  Last person standing.  It's not fair.  I feel sad.  I feel angry.  I feel bitter.  I feel cheated.  No one gets it.  I don't know how to get anyone to get it.  Life has moved on for everyone..and I thought for myself, too.  I'm back to feeling the exact same way I felt when I heard "I'm sorry, there is no fetal heartbeat"..translation.."Your baby has died and you did nothing to stop it...you should have known and done something."  Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?  That's because no one gets it.  4+ months have passed.  4+ months since they day part of me died (and not the part I should have saved...but a part I can't save, nonetheless).  I don't know what's happening, but I have definately lost my faith.  I can't imagine delivering a healthy baby.  I can't imagine a baby in the nursery (still sitting untouched, collecting dust).  I've lost the faith.  I'm tired.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.  I'm slipping into the darkness, and I'm not so sure I want to be helped out anymore.  I'm miserable to myself, miserable to others.  I just bring them down if I try to get any of this out.  So I don't.  I laugh, play the goofball that everyone expects me to be...inside, I'm dying very slowly, very painfully.  I'm tired.  I've lost the faith..no one gets it.  Maybe I don't get it either.