April Fools day: the hag showed, and with a vengence. It's been so bad I actually had to take a percocet for the pain-was like the pain I had about a week after the csection. And the bleeding (I know, TMI)...told Alex I might need a transfusion! Ugh...I called the doc's office, his nurse told me this was normal for a first period after a csection. I just hope they aren't all like this. I'm used to 3 days start to finish. Anyway, I won't say I wasn't bummed. Bummed is probably pretty mild...I was damn near devastated. BUT...I've given myself hope that now my body is fully cleaned out (or will be whenever the hag is done), and I should ovulate and be good to go this month. I don't even think I ovulated last month. Sucks following all this..never did it before.
Yesterday I did something that I've *needed* to do for quite some time now. I went in the nursery, with a box of tissues in hand, and went thru my 'consolation prize' from the hospital-the bag of keepsakes we were given. Her tiny footprints, locks of her hair, the blanket she was swaddled in...as hard as that was, going thru the diaper bag I had planned on taking to the hospital when we had her was harder. Just *trying* desperately to remember how giddy I felt putting that bag together for her..the tiny outfits, pacifiers, diapers, ointments, medicines...I couldn't remember the feeling. I can't remember at all how happy I was then. It's gone. The nursery is completely untouched. Clothes all neatly folded, diapers and wipes ready to go, bassinette with blanket pulled back to put her in...I can't touch it. I have to leave it that way. I cried and cried...and cried some more. Not just for the loss of our baby girl, but for the loss of our innocense in it all. Having a baby has become a mission (more for me, then Alex, I think). I'm terrorified of NOT getting pregnant, but terrorified OF getting pregnant, too.
I hardly talk to Kim anymore. I'm going to email her sister and ask about setting up the time/place for her babyshower. I have to do that for her. Part of me really wants to do it for her. Part of me wishes it was me. But she is my best friend-I have to be there for her-have to find the courage to face this head-on. This will be her last baby, and thus far, she's really had no one outside of her family to share it with.
On another lovely note, my precious Smokey cat has been gone for over a week now. I put an ad online for him, but only heard back from one person who was sure she had him-but she lives in Ormond Beach, so I don't see that bein' him...
Enough for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment