Nuttin'

Hmm..well, I don't think there's a whole lot to update lately.  My leg is really bothering me (after they put the IV in my foot-I think I either bruised or tore a muscle..doc's office pretty much said 'oh well').  I have my recheck next Monday-will ask him then.  We had a pretty quiet weekend-which is a good thing.  Got a new printer-finally retired my 7 year old HP monster.  Got off early today, so I went to the hotel to see Alex.  We then went to Walmart to do some grocery shopping, then picked up Kait from daycare (she has time on the playground at 500p-she's quite happy if you leave her be til that time is over..lol).  Ran in to two people I knew from Marion House, one being my old supervisor.  Her kids are gone for the summer, and she wants to keep Kait for the weekend to help her house have the sounds of children again (she did this a couple years ago-Kait had a blast-still talks about it).  Figure we'll see how it goes on that one.

Tried calling Matt a couple of times this weekend with no response-not real surprised, let down, but not surprised.

My other cat, Sugar, is now gone.  I'm convinced there is some wacko out here doing something to these cats...both my cats are chipped, tagged, etc..both came back religiously every night to sleep inside.  Now, Smokey's been gone since the end of March, Sugar for a week.  I've let the animal control center know, they're keeping an eye out for them and their microchips.  So sad, I miss my kitties :(

Work's going well...this is my last week training at the branch I'm at.  They really want me to stay, and I'd like to stay, but I don't see it happening.  Not to mention they can't offer me the sweet schedule I've got at my 'home' branch...so, next week I'll be going to my 'home'. 

Can't really think of much else to say.  I've been thinking alot about Marissa and our latest angelbaby...it's been very hard to keep myself from slipping into that darkness, but I'm trying.  Work helps keep me busy, and Kait keeps me on my toes for sure.  I have to hope that one day our nursery will be occupied.  Not obsessing over it-but it does come into my mind daily at some point. 

Two wonderful ladies are in the midst of opening (or re-opening, I should say) a site that sells cloth dipes and more.  Tiptoe Through The Tulips I know they'll do wonderfully-and deservedly so. 

Not much else to say, I guess.  Quiet times-which is ok.  No news is good news, right. 

::blank::

Up early this morning.  Can't seem to sleep late no matter what I try anymore.  Guess that's not a bad thing...even Kait's still sleepin.  Just me and the dog sittin here waitin for the rest of our world to get up.  I'm having one of those mornings where I'm thinking about things that I shouldn't because they only lead to me getting ticked off..which leads to me thinking about other things that get me upset.  Like knowing I'm being lied to..not a huge lie, but a lie all the same.  Nothing I hate worse.  Blah.

Had a good day at work, tho.  We were incredibly busy (no doubt), and they had me working the commercial driveup teller window.  I'm bustin' rear working nonstop, look down at my next customer, and it's Matt..my stepson from my marriage..Kaitlynne's brother.  He got this huge grin on his face and said, "Well hey there stranger!".  I was like omg..he's all...grownup.  Told me about going into the Marines, had been discharged, but hope to get back in during re-enrollment time.  Going to college for Vet something-er-other.  Gave me the number where he's at now, asked for a pic of Kaitlynne-he just looked good.  Which made me feel great.  It looks like he's finally getting his life on track-and no one deserves it more.  He seems so genuine about missing Kait and I, too...he said he'd call this weekend..see about coming over.  I hope it won't be too awkward around Alex...I know the 2 of them would get along great (especially with the sports topics)...we'll see. 

Hoping to get and go do something this weekend.  Alex and I both have the 3-day weekend...and Kaitlynne's always ready and rarin' to go.  Was wanting to go have movie night at Scott's house, but when I called them they were in Missouri!  Left last minute to surprise Pete's parents...and they succeeded in that one.  So...movie night w/ them some other time.

Physically for myself-I'm sore.  I think I might have gotten AF starting yesterday.  Feels like it.  I asked around, couple gals got it right after having a DNC-so I'll ask the doc when I go for my appt.  Mentally...well...it varies.  During the week I'm ok-working so much, tired when I get home..usually just curl up on the bed w/ Alex and Kait and watch tv for awhile, then go to bed.  Little harder when I have more free time on my hands.  I don't obsess about getting pregnant-atleast that feeling is gone (that was hard on me to deal with, as well).  However, I do sit and wonder if that untouched nursery (still sits as the day I left for the hospital to have Marissa) will ever get used.  Everyone around me getting pregnant and having no problems at all (and yes, that is what I want-I don't wish any harm on any mommy/baby).  Just wondering now if I'll ever that chance again.  The wondering is almost as hard as the obsession.  I am blessed to have one living child-and I know this.  She fell asleep in my arms watching tv last night..I just kept looking at her (she's usually bouncing around so much, can't keep her still).  She looks just like her mommy-no denying that.  My mini-me.  She'll be better looking then me when she's older, no doubt.  I'm going to keep her very active so she doesn't get overweight.  She loves doing sports-going to keep going on that one.  She's going to be a beautiful young woman.  I don't even want to think about those days.  I don't mean the teen angst, etc...I'll deal with that as it comes.  Just those days when I look and I realize she's not my little bubbaloo anymore.  She's someone's bestfriend, someone's girlfriend, someone's employee.  Man, I'm crying already thinking about it.  Why can't they stay little and sleeping in our arms forever?  "WHY"..."IF"..."HOW COME"..."I WONDER"...  consuming.

*Workin' 9-5*

Why bother reading my journal if you are going to make shit up anyway?  I've read some pretty pathetic attempts at dishonoring Alex and I's wonderful relationship.   Honestly..some of you nutjobs have way too much time on your hands...tho I give ya points for creativity @@.

Annnnnyway, went back to work today and everyone was wonderful.  I got there super-early hoping to get ahead on the computer time I missed, but you'd think these people worked bankers-hours (haha)--no one got there til just after 8.  I got right up there, busted butt, and got it all done...all 3 days + worth I had left (thank God).  Tomorrow is security classes, then 5 more days of training at the branch, then I'm finally on my parttime schedule.  They gave me all my 'goodies' from Teller Week that I had missed being at the other branch-nice stuff, company seems to have improved since I worked there before-the attitudes of the higherups is so much more understanding.  Again, tho, everyone was wonderful...all felt bad cuz my arms look so bad.  My leg has been really sore, and I figured it was from tensing up when they put the IV in-one gal told me to watch for blood clots, tho.  The thought had crossed my mind before, but made me wonder more after that.  It's suddenly not hurting in the last half hour...I told Alex if I keel over, to tell the paramedics that's what it was.  Anywho, if it's still bothering me, I'll stop in at the doc's office tomorrow after work.

I wanted to thank all those genuine folks out there for the well-wishes and condolences.  It was hard the first couple of days, then just terrorifying the couple days after that leading up to the DNC, but I'm slowing getting back on track.  I won't say this was easy-it sure as hell was not-but it wasn't as hard as losing Marissa.  If anything, it was mainly hard for bringing up those feelings again.  I see the doc in a couple weeks to get cleared, but Alex and I won't be 'actively' trying...won't be actively 'preventing' either...just going to let it happen.  Doc said before that having had the DNC should make the next pregnancy that much stronger-everything is clean (sounds bad, I know).  The job is going well, Kaitlynne is having better days (she's out of her 'snob' stage and back to cuddling on my lap..is there anything better than that feeling?), Alex and I are in such a wonderful place together...over a year I've been with him, and still get excited seeing him after work.  There's still a hole in my heart that can never be filled...but it continues to become just the slightest bit easier to handle on a daily basis.   I know I've had rollercoaster rides saying how hard it has been having my offline friends push me aside because they don't know what to say..and that truly has hurt, tho I can't say I'd know how I'd act if the roles were reversed.  However, my online friends...so much more then words on a screen.  You have been wonderful...and I know I've made some absolute friends-for-life.  I'd name you all, but I can't..you know who you are.  A gal that I've become close to thru this tragedy wrote a poem in honor of Marissa..it's so beautiful, I cry just looking at it.  In a good way, tho.  Someone who has never *met* me could write something so profoundly touching about a child that never opened her beautiful eyes...Thank you, Amber. 

Enough for now.  It's been a rough day (emotionally), but there's all hopes tomorrow will be better.  One can hope they can all only get better...for all of us (even the nutjobs).

Keeping friends close, enemies closer (not by choice)

I woke up sore today (big surprise) with such an empty feeling.  I thought I felt up to running some errands, so I went to town..got halfway thru a store and had to leave.  I kept Kaitlynne with me today (thought we'd have some quality time before I head back to work tomorrow).  She's been pretty good, is obsessed with seeing all the bruises on my arms from the IV-attempts yesterday.  Alex called to check on me-he's a good guy.  I'm glad that I found him, he found me, we found each other.  Our time together has been tough (not just with the most recent events, but with other interfering events as well), but I'm glad that I if I had to go thru it, I had to go thru it with him.

I'm tired.  Tired of "friends" tip-toeing around behind my back.  Tired of the real friends walking on eggshells around me, thinking I might snap at any moment..I know they mean well, but 'out of sight, out of mind' doesn't make me feel any better-makes me feel isolated.  Tho it's hard to have my best friend pregnant with twins, having been where I have, and am.  Tired of trusting those closest to me with my feelings (more fragile then they ever were before), only to have one of those trusted few disregard my feelings and insult my intelligence like I have no idea wtf they're up to.  You think my life is so wonderful that you have to come in from the backdoor to get you some of it?  Go right ahead.  Walk a day in my shoes you pathetic piece of shit and see how you like it.  You have no idea how much better off you'd be if you got off your lazy ass and got your own life, and got off my coat-tails.  Waking up everyday, knowing your body has failed you miserably and you've lost now 2 children, knowing your living child has such a hard road ahead of her, that your mother is slowly but surely losing her mind.  Yes, I can see where this would be intriguing @@.  You're looking for the white-picket fence, kids in the yard, big house, man to support you.  Go get it, because despite what you obviously believe in your deluded world, that is not what my life is, either.  Leave my life, such as it is, ALONE.  I have so much to deal with now, worrying about this ridiculous bullshit has already taken up far too much of my mind.  You aren't a teenager passing notes in class.  You're messing with someones reality (tho you really should take a look at your own).  Go away.  Stop treading ever-so-lightly in the background of my life.  This post took an entirely different path then I had originally intended.  Just tired of having things come to light that I've known all along but didn't want to know at all...  I can't imagine constantly disrespecting someone close to me...constantly interfering in their life, whether they know it or not, with ME knowing that what I'm doing is WRONG.  Yet, still doing it.  Complete disregard to how that person feels.  How what I was doing to them would make them feel.  I can't imagine being that low of a person.

Pincushion

Kinda groggy still, so I'll be brief.  We got the hossy at 545am.  Got up to the Surgery Admit, they tried to start the IV.  This is where it started going downhill.  Let me just fastfoward thru 13 (yes, 13) sticks, 9 blown veins, and I finally got an IV in my foot.  They said I was so dehydrated and nervous (I broke out in hives around stick 6, and I was bawling by the 5th blown vein-that shit hurts).  I got in there, was knocked out before I knew it, put on a vent cuz I wasn't breathing on my own (fairly common when under, I guess), "procedure done and a success", so says the doctor.  My arms look horrible, I'm groggy...but atleast all is done now.  I told everyone I'm not going to obsess about pregnancy again.  It happens, it happens.  The last few months have just been too much, even taking a toll on Alex (mostly him having to watch me go thru all these "procedures" and having to be the strong one when I'm not).  I have tomorrow off to rest, not feeling too bad..some cramps, mostly my arms and sorethroat (from the vent).  Thanks for the wellwishes.  I'm just feeling very...out-of-sorts, I guess.  Still half-stoned from the meds..see what tomorrow brings.

Mother Nature comes knocking...

We decided to spend the day out..hoping to keep our minds off of everything in general.  The cramping started around noon today.  Nothing severe, but knowing what I know...it's starting.  It will be done Monday.  Another 'carrot dangled', so to speak.  Whatever.  I never thought I'd be going thru all of this.  When I got pregnant with Marissa, I expected a fairly carefree pregnancy, beautiful baby at the end.  Now, I'm sitting here scared out of my mind at the thought of going thru yet another surgery to remove my hopes and dreams.  I told Kim...she just said she wished she knew what to say..and that she had never heard of a blighted ovum.  I'm finding it very difficult to want to be the ringleader of her babyshower.  None of this is her fault, of course...but this nagging thing in my mind-she's only having these 2 healthy babies because she wanted to be pregnant like I was with Marissa.  Now, I'm on loss number 2..and she's getting 2.  Horrible thinking..I know this.  I just can't stop it.  I would NEVER wish her any illwill...I want nothing but happy, healthy babies for her...but also for myself.  I've become someone that I have a hard time understanding...and not necessarily someone I'd like to know.  I spend alot of time feeling sorry for myself inside, big "happy go lucky" smile on my face on the outside.  It's a battle that's tearing me down.  No one I know offline understands at all..and would rather just avoid me all together then to maybe just lend an ear.  Out of sight, out of mind.  "Friends" never call, rarely email.  I've got the "don't know what to say so I won't" plague.  I know...wahhh wahhh wahhh.  I disgust myself, actually.  Not nearly as strong as everyone claims...really rather pathetic-just pull it off better then most. 

I've never been put under anesthesia before.  Alex says "it's routine".  Nothing's routine when you're put under.  I'm scared.  Scared at the fact that things I NEVER thought would happen, have happened..so why not this time, too?  Make me another statistic-third times the charm.

Nobody home...

Had the u/s today.  Had asked Alex to make sure he was with me 'just in case' of bad news.  'Just in case' turned out to be the 'the case'.  We were informed that the little dream of today is in fact a blighted ovum (meaning the cells stopped dividing somewhere along the way-no baby, empty sac).  I lost it-again.  How many times can deserving parents be kicked while they are down, while crackheads and 13 year olds reproduce and lightening-speed.  Again, told there was nothing I could have done differently, this is very common.  Very common...another statistic.  Another FUCKING statistic.  Anyone know just how many statistics are out there for those who 'couldn't have done anything differently' so I know which one to prepare for next?

Doctor recommended a D & C (surgery to have the 'slate wiped clean' so to speak..lovely...).  Monday morning, 630am.  Said we could try again right away that way, with no concern for 'leftover tissue' affecting a new pregnancy.  Swears that once I get past 12 weeks, I'll be fine.  He'll take good care of me.  He's so sorry.  I'm so sorry. 

Alex is doing well with it..again.  Atleast one of us isn't nuts.

Don't feel like writing anymore.  Thought about getting totally trashed today-opted not to.  I feel trashed enough without.

Sorry to all those I built up with excitement.  I won't tell anyone next time...atleast until I get to a 'safe' point.  If there is such a thing.