Keeping friends close, enemies closer (not by choice)

I woke up sore today (big surprise) with such an empty feeling.  I thought I felt up to running some errands, so I went to town..got halfway thru a store and had to leave.  I kept Kaitlynne with me today (thought we'd have some quality time before I head back to work tomorrow).  She's been pretty good, is obsessed with seeing all the bruises on my arms from the IV-attempts yesterday.  Alex called to check on me-he's a good guy.  I'm glad that I found him, he found me, we found each other.  Our time together has been tough (not just with the most recent events, but with other interfering events as well), but I'm glad that I if I had to go thru it, I had to go thru it with him.

I'm tired.  Tired of "friends" tip-toeing around behind my back.  Tired of the real friends walking on eggshells around me, thinking I might snap at any moment..I know they mean well, but 'out of sight, out of mind' doesn't make me feel any better-makes me feel isolated.  Tho it's hard to have my best friend pregnant with twins, having been where I have, and am.  Tired of trusting those closest to me with my feelings (more fragile then they ever were before), only to have one of those trusted few disregard my feelings and insult my intelligence like I have no idea wtf they're up to.  You think my life is so wonderful that you have to come in from the backdoor to get you some of it?  Go right ahead.  Walk a day in my shoes you pathetic piece of shit and see how you like it.  You have no idea how much better off you'd be if you got off your lazy ass and got your own life, and got off my coat-tails.  Waking up everyday, knowing your body has failed you miserably and you've lost now 2 children, knowing your living child has such a hard road ahead of her, that your mother is slowly but surely losing her mind.  Yes, I can see where this would be intriguing @@.  You're looking for the white-picket fence, kids in the yard, big house, man to support you.  Go get it, because despite what you obviously believe in your deluded world, that is not what my life is, either.  Leave my life, such as it is, ALONE.  I have so much to deal with now, worrying about this ridiculous bullshit has already taken up far too much of my mind.  You aren't a teenager passing notes in class.  You're messing with someones reality (tho you really should take a look at your own).  Go away.  Stop treading ever-so-lightly in the background of my life.  This post took an entirely different path then I had originally intended.  Just tired of having things come to light that I've known all along but didn't want to know at all...  I can't imagine constantly disrespecting someone close to me...constantly interfering in their life, whether they know it or not, with ME knowing that what I'm doing is WRONG.  Yet, still doing it.  Complete disregard to how that person feels.  How what I was doing to them would make them feel.  I can't imagine being that low of a person.

Pincushion

Kinda groggy still, so I'll be brief.  We got the hossy at 545am.  Got up to the Surgery Admit, they tried to start the IV.  This is where it started going downhill.  Let me just fastfoward thru 13 (yes, 13) sticks, 9 blown veins, and I finally got an IV in my foot.  They said I was so dehydrated and nervous (I broke out in hives around stick 6, and I was bawling by the 5th blown vein-that shit hurts).  I got in there, was knocked out before I knew it, put on a vent cuz I wasn't breathing on my own (fairly common when under, I guess), "procedure done and a success", so says the doctor.  My arms look horrible, I'm groggy...but atleast all is done now.  I told everyone I'm not going to obsess about pregnancy again.  It happens, it happens.  The last few months have just been too much, even taking a toll on Alex (mostly him having to watch me go thru all these "procedures" and having to be the strong one when I'm not).  I have tomorrow off to rest, not feeling too bad..some cramps, mostly my arms and sorethroat (from the vent).  Thanks for the wellwishes.  I'm just feeling very...out-of-sorts, I guess.  Still half-stoned from the meds..see what tomorrow brings.

Mother Nature comes knocking...

We decided to spend the day out..hoping to keep our minds off of everything in general.  The cramping started around noon today.  Nothing severe, but knowing what I know...it's starting.  It will be done Monday.  Another 'carrot dangled', so to speak.  Whatever.  I never thought I'd be going thru all of this.  When I got pregnant with Marissa, I expected a fairly carefree pregnancy, beautiful baby at the end.  Now, I'm sitting here scared out of my mind at the thought of going thru yet another surgery to remove my hopes and dreams.  I told Kim...she just said she wished she knew what to say..and that she had never heard of a blighted ovum.  I'm finding it very difficult to want to be the ringleader of her babyshower.  None of this is her fault, of course...but this nagging thing in my mind-she's only having these 2 healthy babies because she wanted to be pregnant like I was with Marissa.  Now, I'm on loss number 2..and she's getting 2.  Horrible thinking..I know this.  I just can't stop it.  I would NEVER wish her any illwill...I want nothing but happy, healthy babies for her...but also for myself.  I've become someone that I have a hard time understanding...and not necessarily someone I'd like to know.  I spend alot of time feeling sorry for myself inside, big "happy go lucky" smile on my face on the outside.  It's a battle that's tearing me down.  No one I know offline understands at all..and would rather just avoid me all together then to maybe just lend an ear.  Out of sight, out of mind.  "Friends" never call, rarely email.  I've got the "don't know what to say so I won't" plague.  I know...wahhh wahhh wahhh.  I disgust myself, actually.  Not nearly as strong as everyone claims...really rather pathetic-just pull it off better then most. 

I've never been put under anesthesia before.  Alex says "it's routine".  Nothing's routine when you're put under.  I'm scared.  Scared at the fact that things I NEVER thought would happen, have happened..so why not this time, too?  Make me another statistic-third times the charm.

Nobody home...

Had the u/s today.  Had asked Alex to make sure he was with me 'just in case' of bad news.  'Just in case' turned out to be the 'the case'.  We were informed that the little dream of today is in fact a blighted ovum (meaning the cells stopped dividing somewhere along the way-no baby, empty sac).  I lost it-again.  How many times can deserving parents be kicked while they are down, while crackheads and 13 year olds reproduce and lightening-speed.  Again, told there was nothing I could have done differently, this is very common.  Very common...another statistic.  Another FUCKING statistic.  Anyone know just how many statistics are out there for those who 'couldn't have done anything differently' so I know which one to prepare for next?

Doctor recommended a D & C (surgery to have the 'slate wiped clean' so to speak..lovely...).  Monday morning, 630am.  Said we could try again right away that way, with no concern for 'leftover tissue' affecting a new pregnancy.  Swears that once I get past 12 weeks, I'll be fine.  He'll take good care of me.  He's so sorry.  I'm so sorry. 

Alex is doing well with it..again.  Atleast one of us isn't nuts.

Don't feel like writing anymore.  Thought about getting totally trashed today-opted not to.  I feel trashed enough without.

Sorry to all those I built up with excitement.  I won't tell anyone next time...atleast until I get to a 'safe' point.  If there is such a thing.

I blinked and time warped backwards...

I was just sitting at the branch, going over some work--a woman came in with her 4 month old little girl, and I just glanced...all it took was a glance...and BAM, the tears came from no where.  I had to dart to the backroom, I just couldn't stop them.  I'm sure part of it is the hormones, part of it is the unusual stresses as of late (new job, worrying about the u/s results)...the biggest part is I shouldn't be doing this.  I shouldn't be having another baby NOW, I should have a drooly, giggly little 4 month old NOW.  I hope and pray everyday that this new baby makes it into our lives--but I have myself somewhat 'guarded'; afraid to allow myself to 'feel'.  I think Alex is feeling the same way.  His answer to my question of "I wonder..." is "If so, then we'll try again."  So scary...we now know that things can and do go wrong...terribly wrong.  I did manage to get myself together, the woman was already gone when I came back out.  It was just the headteller and myself, I blamed it on hormones and went on my way.  They know I've lost Marissa-and they've been very supportive.  But, like every job, you really have to leave personal life at home.  It's hard when your personal life is thrown at you with everyday reminders...but I got this job so that I could STOP driving myself insane with the thoughts. 

Alex has been talking about names already.  He's quite sure he's 'made' another little girl.  He said he liked Marilynne, I'm leaning towards Brooklynne.  I saw a gal on one of the boards I'm on named one of her daughter's that, and I just loved it.  Kaitlynne liked it, too, since it was spelled kind of like her name.  Alex and Kaitlynne had both wanted the name Amanda with Marissa, too.  So maybe Brooklynne Amanda.  If by chance Alex made a little man, name will be Dalton Thomas.

One more day and we'll know for sure if we atleast have a little heartbeat.  It's so easy, now, to convince myself that there IS something wrong--then it's a nice surprise when there isn't.  Day by day...trying not to suffocate from the fear of the unknown...and the known....

Proud Parents of a dot

Had the u/s Friday morning, and all they could see was the sac was in the uterus.  The lady swore up and down it was just too early and she'd expect the doc would order me to come back in a week.  Sure enough, doc's nurse called today and is ordering number 2 this Friday.  The first hurdle was cleared-baby is in the uterus.  The second (just as scary) hurdle is seeing if there IS a baby.  She said something about my numbers being low, but then quickly said she only meant low as in too early.  Still scared me to hear it.  We'll see.

I started training at a branch today.  It was a branch I worked the majority of my previous employment at Amsouth at.  Great group of gals.  Should be working somewhat on my own tomorrow.  This week is 'Steller Teller' week, where they do all kinds of goodies for the teller's all week-that's been fun, so far, too.

Well, that's just the quick update-I'm so exhausted...want to sleep around 2pm...then when I get home and lay down I can't..blah.  Everyone else is good...this is the last week of school...yay for Kaitlynne (she loves her new daycare).

Viability

Worked today...was so long, but got alot done (doing the computer training).  Yesterday wasn't bad..spent the last half of the day (after lunch with Kim) down at the branch.  I was talking with Marcie (the head teller) in the back vault area and she said they'd like to teach me all aspects of the job (including what all she does).  That's pretty dang impressive, if I do say so myself.  She's just a doll.  Susan stopped by to drop something off for someone, I got a chance to ask her about a few things goin on with her...I hope she gets them settled soon, I can't imagine how she's coping.  As soon as she gets them done, and Amsouth has a fulltime position open, she'll be back in (most likely not at that branch, tho). 

Today was my doc appt, Alex met me there.  We were delayed cuz doc had to deliver a baby (awwww)..he came back for a little while (had another one about to pop, too).  He was quite excited to see us-he said my numbers look good (hormone level is doubling as it should), and (of course) a good sign that I wasn't cramping too bad and there was no bleeding.  He gave me a bunch of vitamin samples to try and find one that doens't make me sick, put me back on my BP meds from before (bp was 131/92 today), and ordered an ultrasound for Friday morning.  An ultrasound to "confirm viability of the pregnancy"..in other words, to make sure there is a healthy little belly bean growing in the right place.  After hearing that, I just got more worried.  Hopefully (please pray) things will go good Friday and I can try and relax some.  He told me he saw no signs anything was wrong, but wanted this u/s to get the ball rolling.  He told me how close the would monitor me (and told me he'd do everything he could do ease our minds during this), and that I will deliver at 38 weeks via csection.  That would make this little one a Christmas baby.  I know alot of you read this still (thank you so much for your support).  I normally don't talk directly to the masses (haha), but please PLEASE pray there is a little belly bean in my uterus, attached all nice and snug.  He also suggested I not tell anyone (ya right) including the bank about the pregnancy until I've reached the 12 week milestone.  So, I'll hold off with the bank (I almost wish I had held off telling everyone-how disappointing to have to go tell them if there is something wrong...).

Oh (can't forget this..holy crap), I was at the store picking up last minute things for dinner this evening and Alex called.  He was all giddy saying to get home now, big surprise there.  So, I get home.  I don't know how or what happened at all here, but I got a check for all the back child support in full!  Holy crap!  I was so tired (still am) that I just said "Now I can take Kait to Chuck E. Cheese like she's been beggin' for".  LOL!  Alex said we could take her shopping for some new school clothes, too.  I'm in total shock--and I don't know how it all happened (they never tell ya how they got the money-and it doesn't necessarily mean he paid it out-I still have had no contact with him, wherever he is).

Anywho, that's about it...I'm having a quiet night trying to keep my spirits up.  ((((Hugs & Love to my friends))))