I blinked and time warped backwards...

I was just sitting at the branch, going over some work--a woman came in with her 4 month old little girl, and I just glanced...all it took was a glance...and BAM, the tears came from no where.  I had to dart to the backroom, I just couldn't stop them.  I'm sure part of it is the hormones, part of it is the unusual stresses as of late (new job, worrying about the u/s results)...the biggest part is I shouldn't be doing this.  I shouldn't be having another baby NOW, I should have a drooly, giggly little 4 month old NOW.  I hope and pray everyday that this new baby makes it into our lives--but I have myself somewhat 'guarded'; afraid to allow myself to 'feel'.  I think Alex is feeling the same way.  His answer to my question of "I wonder..." is "If so, then we'll try again."  So scary...we now know that things can and do go wrong...terribly wrong.  I did manage to get myself together, the woman was already gone when I came back out.  It was just the headteller and myself, I blamed it on hormones and went on my way.  They know I've lost Marissa-and they've been very supportive.  But, like every job, you really have to leave personal life at home.  It's hard when your personal life is thrown at you with everyday reminders...but I got this job so that I could STOP driving myself insane with the thoughts. 

Alex has been talking about names already.  He's quite sure he's 'made' another little girl.  He said he liked Marilynne, I'm leaning towards Brooklynne.  I saw a gal on one of the boards I'm on named one of her daughter's that, and I just loved it.  Kaitlynne liked it, too, since it was spelled kind of like her name.  Alex and Kaitlynne had both wanted the name Amanda with Marissa, too.  So maybe Brooklynne Amanda.  If by chance Alex made a little man, name will be Dalton Thomas.

One more day and we'll know for sure if we atleast have a little heartbeat.  It's so easy, now, to convince myself that there IS something wrong--then it's a nice surprise when there isn't.  Day by day...trying not to suffocate from the fear of the unknown...and the known....

Proud Parents of a dot

Had the u/s Friday morning, and all they could see was the sac was in the uterus.  The lady swore up and down it was just too early and she'd expect the doc would order me to come back in a week.  Sure enough, doc's nurse called today and is ordering number 2 this Friday.  The first hurdle was cleared-baby is in the uterus.  The second (just as scary) hurdle is seeing if there IS a baby.  She said something about my numbers being low, but then quickly said she only meant low as in too early.  Still scared me to hear it.  We'll see.

I started training at a branch today.  It was a branch I worked the majority of my previous employment at Amsouth at.  Great group of gals.  Should be working somewhat on my own tomorrow.  This week is 'Steller Teller' week, where they do all kinds of goodies for the teller's all week-that's been fun, so far, too.

Well, that's just the quick update-I'm so exhausted...want to sleep around 2pm...then when I get home and lay down I can't..blah.  Everyone else is good...this is the last week of school...yay for Kaitlynne (she loves her new daycare).

Viability

Worked today...was so long, but got alot done (doing the computer training).  Yesterday wasn't bad..spent the last half of the day (after lunch with Kim) down at the branch.  I was talking with Marcie (the head teller) in the back vault area and she said they'd like to teach me all aspects of the job (including what all she does).  That's pretty dang impressive, if I do say so myself.  She's just a doll.  Susan stopped by to drop something off for someone, I got a chance to ask her about a few things goin on with her...I hope she gets them settled soon, I can't imagine how she's coping.  As soon as she gets them done, and Amsouth has a fulltime position open, she'll be back in (most likely not at that branch, tho). 

Today was my doc appt, Alex met me there.  We were delayed cuz doc had to deliver a baby (awwww)..he came back for a little while (had another one about to pop, too).  He was quite excited to see us-he said my numbers look good (hormone level is doubling as it should), and (of course) a good sign that I wasn't cramping too bad and there was no bleeding.  He gave me a bunch of vitamin samples to try and find one that doens't make me sick, put me back on my BP meds from before (bp was 131/92 today), and ordered an ultrasound for Friday morning.  An ultrasound to "confirm viability of the pregnancy"..in other words, to make sure there is a healthy little belly bean growing in the right place.  After hearing that, I just got more worried.  Hopefully (please pray) things will go good Friday and I can try and relax some.  He told me he saw no signs anything was wrong, but wanted this u/s to get the ball rolling.  He told me how close the would monitor me (and told me he'd do everything he could do ease our minds during this), and that I will deliver at 38 weeks via csection.  That would make this little one a Christmas baby.  I know alot of you read this still (thank you so much for your support).  I normally don't talk directly to the masses (haha), but please PLEASE pray there is a little belly bean in my uterus, attached all nice and snug.  He also suggested I not tell anyone (ya right) including the bank about the pregnancy until I've reached the 12 week milestone.  So, I'll hold off with the bank (I almost wish I had held off telling everyone-how disappointing to have to go tell them if there is something wrong...).

Oh (can't forget this..holy crap), I was at the store picking up last minute things for dinner this evening and Alex called.  He was all giddy saying to get home now, big surprise there.  So, I get home.  I don't know how or what happened at all here, but I got a check for all the back child support in full!  Holy crap!  I was so tired (still am) that I just said "Now I can take Kait to Chuck E. Cheese like she's been beggin' for".  LOL!  Alex said we could take her shopping for some new school clothes, too.  I'm in total shock--and I don't know how it all happened (they never tell ya how they got the money-and it doesn't necessarily mean he paid it out-I still have had no contact with him, wherever he is).

Anywho, that's about it...I'm having a quiet night trying to keep my spirits up.  ((((Hugs & Love to my friends))))

ZzZzZzZz....

Today was orientation-day.  Wow, it was SOOOOO slow.  They had us do a 'working lunch', so Alex and I didn't get to go to lunch together today-maybe tomorrow.  It was nice they did buy us lunch from Scrambles (where Susan now works..thought that was kind of ironic).  They also gave out tons of freebies...tote, lunchbox, ruler/calculator, gold pin with bank name on it, 3-sided highlighter, notepad.  That was kinda neat.  Really informative spiral books, too...

Kim had called me around 230pm today (couldn't answer or call back until I was off work).  So I try to call, get nothing..her home or cell.  So I'm freaking thinking that the daycare didn't pick-up Kait from school or something.  I picked up Kaitlynne from daycare (so that was all ok), but I still can't get ahold of Kim.  So I start panicking.  I call and call, no answer...I call the hospital-she's not there (thank God), call her sister-she says she hasn't heard anything is wrong.  Finally, around 7pm, Kim calls me back.  I jumped her ass (in that loving friend way) about her leaving a f'ing message on the voicemail...damn.  Anyway, she was calling to tell me that the midwives can no longer take care of her since she's now considered highrisk with twins-so she picked my doctor to go to.  That's good-he's an excellent physician.  She said she's a little wierded out about having a guy do her exams (and having Donald there with her when he does-but won't do it w/out Donald there).  I told her this guy's so good he'll ask you a question about the weather and before you've thought of an answer, he's done with his exam.  Very quick, to the point.  And such a sweet guy-I can't wait to see him Wednesday (not just because I'm freaking over every twinge, still, but his nurse already told me he was thrilled we got pregnant after my first regular cycle).

I am sooooo tired.  It was hard staying awake in orientation this afternoon.  I have acne all over the dang place.  My feet/ankles are already starting to swell up.  My abdomen and back are cramping up pretty good.  And as long as baby is healthy, then I'll take all this uncomfort and more.  Thank goodness I'm telling the bank Thursday-I wore a pair of my regular dress slacks today and had to unzip them and pull my shirt over them. 

Double Trouble

My best friend is having twin boys.  I was so freaked when she told me..I've never 'known' anyone closely that had twins...was very surprising.  I'm very happy for her and her husband.  There's also a part of me that's really not happy.  I just want to be able to have one happy, healthy baby.  Everything seems to come pretty easily to her, especially having children.  It makes me angry that people seem to take for granted how special a thing it is to bring another life into the world.  But...it's not her fault I feel this way.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself because the overwhelming feelings that have come with finding out I was pregnant have caught me off guard.  It's what we wanted, we were so blessed to get pregnant fairly quickly.  Now I freak with every twinge that I feel.  I have myself so set up for the doctor to tell me it's a tubal or something.  I just want to 'enjoy' this pregnancy-but I can't.  That happy-go-lucky feeling that I thought would be gone, most definately is.  I guess I'm envious of that with my friend, too.  She's just bouncing around like all is right with the world.  Which, in her world, it is.  I want to scream, "Hey, over here, what about me?!?!".  Again, these aren't her problem.  I think perhaps she could be just a tad more understanding about throwing all this stuff at me and not understanding if I'm not jumping for joy, too (tho I do in front of her).  I was so worried about her seeing Marissa and going thru all of that with me while she was very early pregnant...I made sure not to talk to her about my feelings because I didn't want to scare her (and I told her this-and she said she wants to know-no, she really doesn't).  I guess I just wish I could get 'me' back.  The me that floated on cloud nine while pregnant with Marissa and Kaitlynne.  There's the guilt, too.  I actually went in the nursery for a short time to put a few things away...and start crying.  I felt like I was cheating Marissa by having another baby that will use 'her' stuff.  Sounds ridiculous, I know...I'm reading a book by a very well reknowned author that discusses all the emotions involved with trying (and succeeding) getting pregnant again...atleast her and her book tell me I'm not crazy. 

I start my bank job Monday.  I'm nervous, but in a good way...it's just been awhile since I worked, is all.  I've worked for this company before-and should do me very well to get out of the house for awhile.  Kaitlynne should have a blast at the daycare I got her into right here by the house..it's brand new, lots of playground equipment, books, music...the things she likes. 

Alex said something about going to breakfast tomorrow with my mom for mother's day.  I don't know, tho.  I'm having a hard time eating as is (which normally wouldn't be a bad thing at all-I definately could stand to lose some lbs), but I'm trying to nibble even if on crackers thru the day.  Not nausea, just no appetite.  Probably nerves more then pregnancy.

Walking on broken glass...

It hasn't sank in yet.  The only thing that makes me feel pregnant is the sheer terror of losing another baby.  Every twinge has me running to the bathroom expecting the worst. 

I was reading really old posts from the due in Feb. 05 board...between the hormones and everything else, it had me crying.  So bittersweet, but cute to read how excited everyone was.  I wish I could feel excited like that again.  I'm so happy it happened quick for us, but so scared...I can't put it into words. 

I had to get something switched on my insurance before I can see my OB.  I thought this had all been worked out prior to this, but I guess not.  I put it in writing and turned it in on Monday...hoping it goes thru quickly.  Not that he can stop anything from happening, necessarily..would just be nice to have him say everything is looking okay.

I got the bank job (now this I am excited about).  I'm waiting for them to get the drugtest results back so they can make my 'official' offer, then hopefully start Monday (that's what they want to happen, anyway).  I'll be working fulltime for about a month while training and then bringing in another person and working while they train, then I get to pick the hours I want (they're offering 2 parttime shifts, I get first choice for being first one in).  Be nice to get out of the house again...extra money for Alex and I to get a better savings in case something else happens.  Not sure what's going on with the hotel yet (Alex has been down there stripping rooms).  His dad wants to get a hotel in St. Pete or Daytona..which would be sweet :)  Will find out soon, we hope...sucks being on eggshells with it.

One more year and I quit...

Just sitting here relaxing for a few...been cleaning today and battling an f'n cold.  I went to the midwives yesterday and got the 'official' paper saying I'm 'officially' pregnant.  It was kind of neat having a paper saying that dated on my birthday.  My OB apparantly had only worked out a few things with the insurance, I had to go request something be changed on it.  As soon as it is, I can be seen...hopefully soon, he wanted to see me yesterday when I went in, but I didn't have the money to drop on it, so he said to ask the insurance company to put a rush on the change.  Stopped at Beall's outlet, got Kait a few shirts with a glittery 'K' on them and a pair of jammies that are leopard print (those are for her birthday in August).

My brother called and said that the bank had called requesting reference asap-that's a good sign, I would think after 4 weeks of going thru all this stuff getting it straightened out, they'd be ready to get it all going now..lol.

We had a good for my birthday.  Went to the Japanese steakhouse on Saturday with Kim and her family, then to Winghouse on Sunday (to watch PPV, too) with Alex's brother.  Yesterday, I cooked a rotisserie chicken dinner, and Alex and Kait went and got me a little cake.  One of the best birthdays, so many things to celebrate.  A happy, loving family, a new addition to that family, a new job, and marking one year with Alex.  I wish I would have had my little angel with us, too....but I believe, like Gretchen said a short while ago, Marissa has picked out the perfect child for us and will guard us all.