ZzZzZzZz....

Today was orientation-day.  Wow, it was SOOOOO slow.  They had us do a 'working lunch', so Alex and I didn't get to go to lunch together today-maybe tomorrow.  It was nice they did buy us lunch from Scrambles (where Susan now works..thought that was kind of ironic).  They also gave out tons of freebies...tote, lunchbox, ruler/calculator, gold pin with bank name on it, 3-sided highlighter, notepad.  That was kinda neat.  Really informative spiral books, too...

Kim had called me around 230pm today (couldn't answer or call back until I was off work).  So I try to call, get nothing..her home or cell.  So I'm freaking thinking that the daycare didn't pick-up Kait from school or something.  I picked up Kaitlynne from daycare (so that was all ok), but I still can't get ahold of Kim.  So I start panicking.  I call and call, no answer...I call the hospital-she's not there (thank God), call her sister-she says she hasn't heard anything is wrong.  Finally, around 7pm, Kim calls me back.  I jumped her ass (in that loving friend way) about her leaving a f'ing message on the voicemail...damn.  Anyway, she was calling to tell me that the midwives can no longer take care of her since she's now considered highrisk with twins-so she picked my doctor to go to.  That's good-he's an excellent physician.  She said she's a little wierded out about having a guy do her exams (and having Donald there with her when he does-but won't do it w/out Donald there).  I told her this guy's so good he'll ask you a question about the weather and before you've thought of an answer, he's done with his exam.  Very quick, to the point.  And such a sweet guy-I can't wait to see him Wednesday (not just because I'm freaking over every twinge, still, but his nurse already told me he was thrilled we got pregnant after my first regular cycle).

I am sooooo tired.  It was hard staying awake in orientation this afternoon.  I have acne all over the dang place.  My feet/ankles are already starting to swell up.  My abdomen and back are cramping up pretty good.  And as long as baby is healthy, then I'll take all this uncomfort and more.  Thank goodness I'm telling the bank Thursday-I wore a pair of my regular dress slacks today and had to unzip them and pull my shirt over them. 

Double Trouble

My best friend is having twin boys.  I was so freaked when she told me..I've never 'known' anyone closely that had twins...was very surprising.  I'm very happy for her and her husband.  There's also a part of me that's really not happy.  I just want to be able to have one happy, healthy baby.  Everything seems to come pretty easily to her, especially having children.  It makes me angry that people seem to take for granted how special a thing it is to bring another life into the world.  But...it's not her fault I feel this way.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself because the overwhelming feelings that have come with finding out I was pregnant have caught me off guard.  It's what we wanted, we were so blessed to get pregnant fairly quickly.  Now I freak with every twinge that I feel.  I have myself so set up for the doctor to tell me it's a tubal or something.  I just want to 'enjoy' this pregnancy-but I can't.  That happy-go-lucky feeling that I thought would be gone, most definately is.  I guess I'm envious of that with my friend, too.  She's just bouncing around like all is right with the world.  Which, in her world, it is.  I want to scream, "Hey, over here, what about me?!?!".  Again, these aren't her problem.  I think perhaps she could be just a tad more understanding about throwing all this stuff at me and not understanding if I'm not jumping for joy, too (tho I do in front of her).  I was so worried about her seeing Marissa and going thru all of that with me while she was very early pregnant...I made sure not to talk to her about my feelings because I didn't want to scare her (and I told her this-and she said she wants to know-no, she really doesn't).  I guess I just wish I could get 'me' back.  The me that floated on cloud nine while pregnant with Marissa and Kaitlynne.  There's the guilt, too.  I actually went in the nursery for a short time to put a few things away...and start crying.  I felt like I was cheating Marissa by having another baby that will use 'her' stuff.  Sounds ridiculous, I know...I'm reading a book by a very well reknowned author that discusses all the emotions involved with trying (and succeeding) getting pregnant again...atleast her and her book tell me I'm not crazy. 

I start my bank job Monday.  I'm nervous, but in a good way...it's just been awhile since I worked, is all.  I've worked for this company before-and should do me very well to get out of the house for awhile.  Kaitlynne should have a blast at the daycare I got her into right here by the house..it's brand new, lots of playground equipment, books, music...the things she likes. 

Alex said something about going to breakfast tomorrow with my mom for mother's day.  I don't know, tho.  I'm having a hard time eating as is (which normally wouldn't be a bad thing at all-I definately could stand to lose some lbs), but I'm trying to nibble even if on crackers thru the day.  Not nausea, just no appetite.  Probably nerves more then pregnancy.

Walking on broken glass...

It hasn't sank in yet.  The only thing that makes me feel pregnant is the sheer terror of losing another baby.  Every twinge has me running to the bathroom expecting the worst. 

I was reading really old posts from the due in Feb. 05 board...between the hormones and everything else, it had me crying.  So bittersweet, but cute to read how excited everyone was.  I wish I could feel excited like that again.  I'm so happy it happened quick for us, but so scared...I can't put it into words. 

I had to get something switched on my insurance before I can see my OB.  I thought this had all been worked out prior to this, but I guess not.  I put it in writing and turned it in on Monday...hoping it goes thru quickly.  Not that he can stop anything from happening, necessarily..would just be nice to have him say everything is looking okay.

I got the bank job (now this I am excited about).  I'm waiting for them to get the drugtest results back so they can make my 'official' offer, then hopefully start Monday (that's what they want to happen, anyway).  I'll be working fulltime for about a month while training and then bringing in another person and working while they train, then I get to pick the hours I want (they're offering 2 parttime shifts, I get first choice for being first one in).  Be nice to get out of the house again...extra money for Alex and I to get a better savings in case something else happens.  Not sure what's going on with the hotel yet (Alex has been down there stripping rooms).  His dad wants to get a hotel in St. Pete or Daytona..which would be sweet :)  Will find out soon, we hope...sucks being on eggshells with it.

One more year and I quit...

Just sitting here relaxing for a few...been cleaning today and battling an f'n cold.  I went to the midwives yesterday and got the 'official' paper saying I'm 'officially' pregnant.  It was kind of neat having a paper saying that dated on my birthday.  My OB apparantly had only worked out a few things with the insurance, I had to go request something be changed on it.  As soon as it is, I can be seen...hopefully soon, he wanted to see me yesterday when I went in, but I didn't have the money to drop on it, so he said to ask the insurance company to put a rush on the change.  Stopped at Beall's outlet, got Kait a few shirts with a glittery 'K' on them and a pair of jammies that are leopard print (those are for her birthday in August).

My brother called and said that the bank had called requesting reference asap-that's a good sign, I would think after 4 weeks of going thru all this stuff getting it straightened out, they'd be ready to get it all going now..lol.

We had a good for my birthday.  Went to the Japanese steakhouse on Saturday with Kim and her family, then to Winghouse on Sunday (to watch PPV, too) with Alex's brother.  Yesterday, I cooked a rotisserie chicken dinner, and Alex and Kait went and got me a little cake.  One of the best birthdays, so many things to celebrate.  A happy, loving family, a new addition to that family, a new job, and marking one year with Alex.  I wish I would have had my little angel with us, too....but I believe, like Gretchen said a short while ago, Marissa has picked out the perfect child for us and will guard us all.

O-M-G

I put that last post in before I knew what my day had in store for me yesterday (Friday). 

Started with the bank calling.  They first said there's nothing they can do-no proof that I resigned and didn't quit with no notice.  I said ok.  They called back, said they decided to override that decision to make me ineligible for rehire, told me how to get back in the system, and that they just had to run the background check and they'd be calling me next week.  WOOHOO!

I was on my way to Target.  They had the Billy Idol CD there that Alex has been wanting, so I got it for him for our anniversary (today...I LOVE YOU HONEY!!).  I picked up the 3-pack pregnancy test only because, even tho I had felt SO bad last week, I woke up feeling GREAT yesterday.  And yesterday was the day AF was due.  I thought that was odd, so I just thought I'd get them.  I took one right there at Target! LMAO!  I have no patience whatsoever..but it was the 3rd time I had to use the restroom while I was there..so thought what the heck.  Within the time I took it to the time I got to the car there was a line.  I was freaking out.  I pulled across the street to another store, still a line.  OMG!  I'm crying...trying to call Alex (his phone was in the car while he was working), my friend Kim (she wasn't home), my OB (office closed on Friday's)..so I just went to my mom's house, she verified she saw it too!  OMG OMG OMG!  WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!  I took another one last night, and one this morning...all positive!!!!

I told Alex when he got home by just throwing it in the convo about what I had done yesterday.  He didn't believe me at first, then was all huffin' and puffin' cuz "he's the man"...LOL!

Today's emotions have been off the charts.  We went to T-ball this morning, then we went to dinner with friends for my bday, then came home.  I've been really tired, but trying to come to grips with it.  I had been wanting this so much, now I have to deal with it being here.  I'm so scared...so 'ready' for something to go wrong.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy... Hopefully my OB can see me next week sometime and help put my mind at ease somewhat.

That's enough for now..I'm so tired. 

 

My friends...

Just a little something for all my friends (the one's I know and the one's I don't know yet..).  Y'all are the best!

Praising the toilet...

Anyone reading this who thinks I'm mentally unstable and unable to function..can go take a long walk off of a short pier (yanno who ya are *big wink*).

I've been so sick this morning (don't get too excited..I think it's sick from the hag getting ready to show).  I swear, another 7 days of that pain and misery...ugh...we'll see.

I'm feeling a little better at the moment-and this is a scary thought-the house is COMPLETELY quiet (well, ok..except for the dog snoring).  Alex was called back in to work to start clean-up, Kaitlynne is at school, and I'm here doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, etc...it's great.  I appreciate the break to just-breathe.

I found out the other night that my ex (who long since disappeared after the state went after him for child support) was arrested for DUI and possession of marijuana back in August.  He bailed out of jail, and disappeared...now a warrant out for him.  I can't help but feel a little sorry for him...he wasn't always like that-he was a good man, with a clear-thinking mind.  Not now, tho....now, he's a bottle of vodka and a joint, trapped in a man's body.  Sad.  My daughter will never know him other then what she remembers from our time there before I left-and that's not happy thoughts, either.  Alex is a wonderful daddy to her-just sad it has to be this way with her natural father...or as she calls him, her 'birth' father (no idea where she got that from-she said it to me the other day).

Alex and I's 'anniversary' is Saturday.  We've spent exactly one year together..not ONE night apart since the night we met!  It's a wonderful feeling..we have so many good times together..we had a rocky start, but I'm glad I didn't bolt when I really wanted to.

We're going to Kotobuki (my favorite restaurant-a Japanese steakhouse) Saturday with a few friends to celebrate my bday on Monday, then Alex and I are going to a movie (of his choice, since I picked dinner) for our anniversary. 

I offered the new kitty on our local freecycle...he's a cutie and so affectionate, but he's just not 'doing it' for my 2 adult female cats.  They were here first, so I have to respect that.  Already had one lady who's going to talk to her husband-just want him to have a good home.

I've been talking to a few people that are 'new' to the angel mommy club.  I remember Niki telling me back when Marissa died how it helped 'her' to help 'me'.  I know now what she meant-it does help.  Makes you feel like you have a purpose for feeling the way you do, acting the way you do..it's so the 'new' gals know that they AREN'T going crazy, AREN'T doing something 'wrong'...it's ok.  It's all ok.  You talk, I'll listen.  I talk, you listen.  Tit-for-tat...and the beat goes on....