One year ago...or was it yesterday...

The poem below was written by Sabrina, mommy to our little angels best friend :*).  Thank you to all my friends-the kind words over the last few days have meant more then you'll ever know.  The above pictures were made and/or sent from friends...I have many of them, these are the ones that stand out at me. 

*Alex-I love you, and thank you for helping me...us...get thru this first year.*

*Kaitlynne, you always know just which cloud Marissa's sitting on...only the best big sister's know that...I love you.*

Today is the day That I became an angel to be I know it hurts inside But soon your feelings will subside Only in a matter of time You know when I am near because you hold me to your heart so dear I wish that you could close your eyes and that you could see too Please try not to be sad for me Try to understand God is taking care of me Im in the shelter of his hands Here there is no sadness, no sorrow, no pain Here there is no crying and I'll never hurt again. I know the tears you cry are the tears of pain that you will never hold me time and time again. One day you will meet me not any time soon just keep holding me dear to your heartso true like you always do! I will keep my wings spread out far to protect you from any harm. I do not want you to go through pain I just want your hurt to go away time and time again. I love you mommy now and forever it will be

Recap

We went to Alex's niece's birthday party in Gainesville on Saturday.  It was at a place that not only had all the gear to play on, but play with.  Also leaned towards kids having fun, while learning something.  Ella (Alex's niece) had chosen a mad scientist theme for her party.  Above are pics.  We had a good time...I like Alex's sister-in-law, Jo, tho I don't get to see her often (they live there, plus she goes to school full-time, and works, along with 2 small kids).  Jo's parents were at the party, as well.  They're visiting from England, and her mom told me quite a bit about how it is there.  Said for us to make sure and let them know when we're going over to visit so we can stop in and see them--they were very nice people.  When we left, she touched my belly and said she was praying for a healthy little one for us.  I thought that was really sweet.

Yesterday...well...I talked with Carolyn last night.  Many many people sent well wishes via cards, emails, and I've heard postings on the Feb board (I haven't looked yet)...and Alex and I thank you all for them...I saved them to put into a scrapbook when I ever get around to doing that.  We dropped Kaitlynne off with my mom in the afternoon for an overnight (we needed a little time together, and I didn't want Kait to get upset if I did...she's seen enough of it already).  Alex and I went to the flea market, then walked around Walmart...ate at Olive Garden (mom gave us a giftcard for Christmas).  Just things to feel 'normal' at a time I don't think either of us is/was.  We came home, lounged around, enjoyed each other.  We've had a candle lit since yesterday morning (last picture) on a shelf with 2 little angel girls and a plaster molding of Kait's hand when she was little.  We'll keep it lit until Tuesday at midnight.

Altho I had moments where I felt like all was fine yesterday, I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt...alot of guilt...over losing her, over feeling this way while pregnant with another, over having a living child when some don't...I guess this is all part of it...

I guess that's all for now, we have to go pick up Kait from Nana's house.  *Hugs* and thank you to each of you personally.  Sabrina-I hope Angelina had a wonderful birthday, she most certainly deserves it.

How come I didn't know?

One year ago today, your kicks stopped coming-

And I didn't know.

One year ago today, your arms stopped swinging-

And I didn't know.

One year ago today, your heart stopped beating-

And I didn't know.

One year ago today, you went to sleep-never to wake again-

And I didn't know.

One year ago today, I touched my belly in excitement because in 5 short days, I'd have my beautiful baby girl in my arms-

All because I didn't know.

I'm so sorry I didn't know...that I couldn't do anything.  I went about my day like normal, I was so sure I had felt you move.  The doctors told me you wouldn't as much since you were getting to be such a big girl, you were running out of room.  But I still didn't know.  I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.  It took me nearly a day and a half to know my baby girl was gone...a mother is supposed to protect their children...a mother is supposed to KNOW.  Until I see you again, Marissa, please know that I love you, and I wanted you here with us so badly...I still want you here.  One more milestone (the doctor who fought so hard to give me what I needed took you from my body in 2 days it will be 1 year), and I've made it 1 whole year without you.  It feels like yesterday.  Daddy wanted to get into the closet where all of your belongings are...to organize for your little brother/sister.  I just couldn't do it.  I'm so afraid to set up the room (and myself) again.  I know you're holding this little one close to you, just like I held you close to me.  I miss you, babygirl.

Thank you to my friends who have sent cards/emails.  A special Happy Birthday to Angelina...and a thank you to her for being my babygirl's buddy :*)  Thank you to her mom for sharing her birth story with me, and every memory since.

Snip-Snip

Took black cat down to get neutered today (only one more kitty left to do, now).  It was a total hassel, but it was done.  He seems to be ok, but I have him seperated from the others and out on the porch (well, he's in here w/ me now visiting in the computer room).

My blood pressure has been going up the last few days.  I was so busy today I didn't get a chance to call my OB's office, but I went ahead and started taking 250mg of Aldomet (the BP med I was taking when pregnant before, tho I was on 1000mg of it then).  This is the dose he started me on last time, and I have the whole bottle left from then.  I'll give them a call tomorrow, I'm sure they're going to want to check it.  Baby's still tossing and turning, tho.  Have a miscommunication with the insurance company, as well.  They sent me info on the baby due in January (which would be the miscarriage I had last year in May), not for the baby due in June...even tho I got a call from a rep last week to straighten this out.  So, I have to call them, as well. 

I saw my brother today, he and Petey almost ran me off the road trying to say hi (I always seem to see them on US 27).  Chatted for a few minutes on a side road, then went on our merry way.

Kaitlynne's new "counselor" called today.  I had known from her previous counselor that this woman would be taking over after he left, but I do NOT care for her...talking to her, I don't feel she has much sense-period.  However, in order to carry on her other care, I have to make sure she gets counseling, too.  Which is not a bad thing-just is with this person.  So, I told her Kaitlynne doesn't appear to need more then 1x month, so we see her Feb. 9th.  Joy, joy.  I also couldn't get her new med (which I was happy about getting) because the insurance won't cover it.  Will cover the pricey one's she's on now, but not that one @@.  So, had to stick with what she's on rather then lower/get rid of anything.  Atleast until her doc comes back from vacation. 

Hey Natalie!!!!  Just wanted you to know a couple of things: 

1)  I TOTALLY "lmao" when you said that my profile was about you!  You are in a total delusional state of paranoia!  I certainly wouldn't waste profile space on YOU!  LOL!!!!

2)  I would say that your "AOL-CELEBRITY" status is much more known then mine. 

3)  I never received, nor would have I accepted, any monetary items when our baby died.  What good would that have done?  It won't bring her back, will it?  Nothing will.

4)  The scent created by The Sisters Attic in memory of Marissa (and all stillborn angels) raises NO profits. You have no idea what The Sisters do behind the scenes, so go suck on something (anything in your "mouth" so-to-speak would be a blessing at this point...your dribble is getting beyond excessive).  Not everyone, like YOU, feels the need to think they are holier-then-thou by 'giving' only to turn around and completely trash and belittle the person.  I applaude Genesis for denying your contribution for Deb.  Your money is tainted, and never a gift.

5)  Only you believe that having a baby is needed to 'keep a man'.  Alex was actually insulted that someone thought so low of him to think that he would only be with someone for that reason.  Having children doesn't equal to keeping a man.  Nor is abortion a form of birth control (HTH's).

Mmkay, that was a sidenote for Satan who gets kicks out of translating my journal into heartless cruelties. 

My dang counter...

This is a pointless entry, but I just realized my counter reset itself.  It shows it can go up pretty high, but I must have hit 8000 hits on my journal and it rolled over...grrr..lol.

Thanksgiving in November, and a treat in the mail!

I decided to cook a big ole' turkey dinner today.  I had my turkey left over from Thanksgiving I didn't get to cook (because we went everywhere else), so Alex picked up mom on his way home from work last night and we had our turkey dinner (I had started most of it he night before, so it was done in time for lunch).  As usual, it ROCKED (yep, I'm bragging...haven't met anyone yet who doesn't like my cooking)!  Turkey dinner is my favorite anyway!  Everyone enjoyed it, we had good convo...Alex and mom cleaned up the kitchen for me (I was so hot and tired by the time it was done..lol).  Then we all just vegged out in various area's of the house, until we all ended up congregating on the front porch.  Enjoying the great outdoors (neighbors aren't here today...lol).

Above is a pic of what I got in the mail today.  I had decided back when I was pregnant in May last year that I wanted to try cloth diapering (even if part-time, just to do something that would save some money and better for the enviroment).  This, of course, has become an obsession, tho.  I don't give in to it often (waiting til I get a little further along to get too into it), but I do love to look!  My good friend Kristal (BaByLaSe218) bought this dipe for me.  When I first opened it, I just saw the front and was still very excited (my first NEW dipe!!! LOL!).  Then I turned it over, and it was all I could do not to cry (I did cry later, when I was IM'ing w/ her..lol).  I don't know if the pic can be read, but it's embroidered and it says "For this child, I prayed" with a tiny bear sleeping on a cloud.  It's just...PERFECT!  She, like Gretchen and the Christmas ornament, described how she felt like she was led to that site at that particular time (she's never shopped that site before, and this gal only had this ONE dipe in stock).  Amazing how that little girl works through people.  It's been rough since Christmas for me, I won't lie.  I break down probably once a day at some point.  The gals on the boards are celebrating a major milestone w/ their little ones...the first birthday!  I love seeing the pics and hearing about it, but I dread celebrating Marissa's first angel day.  It's just not the same, no matter how many different spins I put on it to make myself feel better.  January 29th, she passed away (Angelina's birthday-Sabrina's daughter).  January 31st, I met her face-to-face after 9 months of living w/ her inside me...but I never saw her smile, open her eyes and look at me, squeeze my finger...  Hearing of these first birthday's is very surreal...I picture everyone's babies as just that...babies...newborns, like Marissa.  In my mind, she'll never be any older...any bigger...hard to imagine that everyone's elses babies are.  Sounds silly, I guess...another 'hard to explain' moment.

I guess I got off on a tangent, but I wanted to thank Kristal (yet again) for such a wonderful gift (I told her I didn't think I could put it on a stinky little bum..lol).  My friends and family mean the world to me, even if I never meet some of you face-to-face.

Scary night (slightly TMI)

Everything was going ok, then I went to use the restroom before bed.  The light was off, but I could still see it...bright red...quite a bit of it, too.  I was bleeding.  I just stared at it, first thought that came to mind was 'How can I possibly deliver another deceased child?'.  Alex came in the room, and I told him..he asked how much, so I wiped again and there was more.  I can't really explain the feeling I got at that point, except maybe that I would faint?  My whole body went limp..and numb.  Alex asked if there were any clots, I said no.  I just sat...wiped a few more times, until it got down to very little blood.  I asked Alex (apparantly my new OB/GYN) to look down there, see if he could see anything.  He couldn't see a source of it, but after I had wiped enough, I realized it was coming from the outside!  Not the inside!  I was so worried because I've had such horrid back pains and ligament stretching the last few days...  Needless to say, neither of us is in 'normal' spirits today.  I, myself, am especially cranky and short-tempered, and I can only think that the scare last night has caused it.  My hormones have been pretty much in check this pregnancy, so I don't think that's it (tho it's contributing now).  It was just horrible, and tho I know it was just a cut or something on the outside, I still can't help but be a little worried.  I still can't believe it...it was terrorifying. 

On a diff note, Kait's dentist appt got rescheduled yet again!  She still has those 2 broken teeth!  Her new (tentative) appt time is the 30th...thank goodness she's not in pain with it, geez...  She's having a helluva time getting long addition/subtraction.  I thought she had it at first, so we moved on...she's got multipication down great (1-10's), but just can't get borrow/carry a 1 deal.  Today was not the day to do it with her, I am so off-kilter..but I did.  Think I'll give her tomorrow off, I was pretty rough on her today.  I sent her out to play now, so hopefully she'll enjoy some of her day, anyway.

That's enough for today...hoping maybe getting it off my chest, I'll feel a little better. 

We've got cows...and our weekend.

Thursday night (which would have been the 12th), I took pictures of a couple of cows wandering down 318 on our way home.  It's the 2nd time we've seen loose cows, still cracks us up...dang pics didn't come out, tho.  All ya see is a set of glowing eyes (pretty creepy..lol).

Anywho, Friday was pretty uneventful.  Went to town, got Alex's check and deposited it. 

Saturday, we went over to Kim's for a bbq.  I don't normally go on about what I ate for the day in my journal, but omg she made some KICKIN' ribs!  I went for seconds!  Shouldn't have, cuz I was stuffed, but they were delicious.  She said she could tell the baby was getting bigger cuz the last 2 times I was out there, I actually ate.  Yep, I'm a big gal..but I can't really eat much.  I just eat foods that aren't good for me, and I eat late when I'm done doing everything for the day.  Anywho, I put some pics up there of everyone and the babies (they are getting SO big).  Austin is breaking-in 2 teeth (molars), and Josh can nearly sit up on his own already.

Sunday we did a deep-clean on Kaitlynne's room.  I keep the rest of the house clean, expect her to take care of hers.  Sometimes she does, but it doesn't take long for it to get away from her..so Alex and I stepped in, trashed most of it (broken toys, tons of letters and cards..she likes to 'write' people), rearranged it, and tada, looks good.  I think I'll go take a pic of her sleeping in it in a second..LOL.  I about killed my back, tho.  On top of already having back problems (which I usually just live with..more of a nuisance then a pain anymore), my sciatica is acting up big time.  I tried taking a hot bath tonight, didn't work.  I lay on the heating pad everynight for awhile...temporary relief (better then none, I guess).  I'm definately losing weight after babe's is born.  I've been asking Alex for a treadmill for awhile now...said we could get one around tax time.

Anywho, that's about it, I guess.  Goin to go get that pic of Kait, then post this.  Thanks to everyone for all the comments and emails wishing well...they're always appreciated. 

20 weeks already!

I had my 20 week appt today, and it went very well.  I didn't have to wait long, actually got to see the ob for more then 20 seconds..lol.  Baby's heartrate was good (140's still), he's happy with my weightgain.  He asked me when I had lost Marissa, how far along was I.  I told him 38 weeks (just shy of), so he said that I will only have one more 4-week interval visit (next visit at 24 weeks), then I will come every two weeks, have NST's every week after that (non-stress test to measure baby's heartrate in accordance to his/her movement).  He said he would be keeping a definate close eye after that.  Not sure if that means another u/s or not, but I did ask about the 3-d u/s's.  It's $225, which I thought wasn't that bad at all.  Get an hour in there, video, pics, etc...  I really just want to see where the cord is.  I'd like to see gender, but that's a minute point.  I really never cared for the 3-d u/s's because it's like cheating...seeing exactly what the baby looks like before they are here..but I really want to see that cord.  He might order another u/s, and ask them to specifically look for that, I don't know.  I do know, tho, it's very hard to see the cord..so I don't know that I would feel comfortable with just that.  Anywho, I feel baby kicking daily now..not all day just yet, but atleast once a day...which in one way is a fantastic feeling (helping it to become more real for me, tho Alex and I both are very cautious), but also terrorifying (no movement was how I knew we had lost Marissa).  So, not much to update until next visit.  Nice to have good visit's with him, tho.  Oh, he was excited that I was 20 weeks, too..'more then half way' he said (since I'm going early). 

I went to Kim's today afterwards so the kids could play, and we could visit.  Babies were a bit cranky, Josh looked to me like he might be catching a little cold (her other son, Drew, is sick).  God bless her if both those little one's get sick at the same time!  They're having a family shindig at their house Saturday, so we're going out for that.  Only thing we had planned otherwise this weekend is to do a deepclean & throw crap out on Kaitlynne's room..lol.

Anyway..that's it for now.  Other area's are...I don't know, at a standstill?  I'm not sure how else to put it..or what else to think right now...I'm taking everything day-to-day...and today was a good day, so I'll leave it at that.

For the angels..

This is a quick entry, as I really don't feel like discussing the last. 

I'd like to send much love to Niki and her family.  1 year ago today she delivered her precious angel, Natalie "Rosebud" Hoffman.  Niki was 'the one' who kept me sane after I lost Marissa.  We all need a person who can help guide us out of the dark...Niki was that person.  I miss talking to her...and tho she won't get to read this, she knows just the same.  Happy Angelday, Natalie <3 (Please visit Natalie's site, listed on the links to the right...I know Niki would love that)

I'd also like to send out big hugs and prayers to Pammie and Kevin (they know why) <3

I'll give a more updated post tomorrow, after I have my 20 week (yes, I can't believe it, 20 weeks already!) appt. 

I give up...it's never-ending...

Everytime I think things are going good...I get knocked on my ass again.  Things that I specifically ask NOT to be done, get done.  "Yep, that should hurt her-it did last time...let's go with what works, then".  It's not fair.  I'm doing everything I know how to do.  Everytime, I try even harder to stop it.  It doesn't matter what I do...I can't stop it.  It's headed down a dead-end road.  Why?  I thought after everything that's happened in my life...this...this was my prize for making it thru.  I concede, I guess.  I feel so low...so ridiculously stupid...so completely unattractive in every way.  No matter how many times I hear 'It doesn't matter', I know it does.  I guess he was jealous of what I told him she was doing with others.  So he had to go make ammends.  "She's a psycho gold digger looking for a father for her kids."  I guess that's what's appealing.  I'm tired of having my feelings tossed aside.  I give all, and it's never enough.  Always wanting more.  Slowly destroying the best thing that has ever happened to me, atleast.  Again..why?  Everytime the door closes, I know.  I always know.  I guess I am a pathetic piece of shit, too.  Larry always said no one would want anything to do with me...that I was an idiot...I let others walk all over me so they can do whatever they want.  I'm sure there are a few of that will just get a good smile and laugh from this entry...some of you that even come across as my 'friend', or atleast try to.  So be it.  Laugh away, all of you.  I'm glad I could provide the entertainment.

Hurry up and wait...

Ok, so...I've been sick.  Yesterday, I started cramping up pretty good.  I called my ob's office, his (ever-snotty) office girl said that I had to see my primary care provider.  While I'm pregnant, my ob IS my primary care provider as far as the insurance is concerned.  She said she would tell the nurse and she would call me back with whatever med she was going to order.  I hear nothing.  My cramping gets worse.  I pack up my daughter, head to the ER.  I sit there for 5 hours, watching everyone that was there when I got there go back...and everyone that got there after me go back.  Me and 2 little old ladies sat, waiting.  I finally got up and asked registration when I was going back.  She said there were 5 people in front of me...I said there are only 3 total sitting in the waiting room???  We left.  I figured if nothing else, maybe I'd feel better in the morning.  I didn't.  My stomach is cramping up so bad...and tho I'm not seeing any blood, I'm also not far enough along to feel the baby everday yet..so I'm beyond terrorified now.  I call the ob's office, tell them I'm cramping.  The nurse asks me if I'm dehydrated, I said no.  She said is it just coming and going, I said no, it's been constant for a day now.  She says come down.  So, I pack up Kait again.  We wait...they tell us the doc has been called out for a delivery, will be back in 1/2 hour.  No biggie.  Come back to say delivery is now an emergency csection, will be back in 2 hours.  I've waited this long, I'm staying.  They call me back, do the prelim's (only gained 2 lbs in a month-not bad..I'm still below my prepregnancy weight)...test my urine.  I get put in a room, the little nurse gal comes in (she's a sweetie) and says she wants to try for the heartbeat.  I lay down, digging my nails into the table, and close my eyes.  She tries the side the baby's usually on...nothing.  I can feel the tears streaming down the side of my face already.  She grabbed my hand and said 'relax'.  She tried the other side, and there...there was our little one, snuggled up.  Heartbeat in the 140's.  I just started bawling.  I had cried all the way there, cried in the room...I was just so sure this time...Kaitlynne gave me a tissue and said "That's good news, Mom".  The doc got there pretty soon after, asked me if I had been taking my antibiotic to prevent UTI's.  I said I had, but ran out Sunday.  He said I had a severe UTI (in just a matter of 2 days w/out the pill).  He gave me another script (and a script for my cold).  He was so excited because he saw I am 19 weeks...he couldn't imagine where the time was going.  I said it was fine with me...the faster the better, I want to hold our living, breathing baby.  So, that's my week thus far...

Also, Kait's speech teacher called today and said her HMO had been changed, was sure I already knew about it, but wasn't sure how she would be able to see her now.  I had NO idea what she was talking about.  I called her old HMO and found it only affects her speech/occupational therapy (thank GOD..I was panicking because of all the other doc's she see's connected to the current HMO).  So, will have to figure that out later (the speech).  Her schooled called, said they'd get her in for the FCAT, was agreeable to holding her back for 3rd grade again, and respected my wishes to not have her with the teacher she had before (I saw a report card that she got right after I pulled her out...teacher gave her an F in math and said 'she needs to learn her math facts'...isn't that what the school is for??? Yes, I work with her, but wtf are they doing????), and not to put her in class with Josh. 

It's just been a really draining few weeks, I guess...feels like forever...tomorrow's her speech and dentish appts (not sure how I'm working these out w/ the times..).  Also, my mom had to go to the ER today, they finally put her on insulin..aye...

Hoping and praying for better days to come...the New Year is starting off w/ a bang...

God bless

God bless the miners who fought hard to save themselves and each other.  One out of thirteen is a miracle in itself considering the conditions.  God bless the families of those miners, who had a horrible 'joke' played on them by getting false hope...for 3 hours they got to bask in the glory that their families were alive...only to find out it was a 'miscommunication'...the media went nuts w/ it, too...and for the mining official to not even offer an apology (granted, just words...but words that would have come at a good time).  The families of the 12 lost can say they know and love hero's...they saved a man's life by doing everything right.  Little consolation to most, but for that one man's family, it's everything.

A little prayer is appreciated...

We took Katie back yesterday...I was sooooo sick, but hated to have Alex make the drive all alone (especially since he had to go further), so I tagged along.  By mid-day I was ok (pills kicked in).  We dropped her off, then went and found the first decent-looking restaurant we came across...we must have been dang hungry, cuz it was a crappy little buffet thing and it cost a total of 35 dollars just for the 3 of us!  Ugh...  Oh, and forgot to mention the best part...Alex got a New Year's day present somewhere along I-10...yep, not a warning this time...a very cordial officer gave a very CRAPPY ticket to my very cordial honey...LOL!  Aye..I was annoyed at first, then thought it would have been me...I would have been doing the same speed he was doing (I-10 goes down to 70mph, instead of 75mph).  Anywho, it's done..made for a few funny cracks on Alex on the way back...

I've been feeling a bit better today (anyone gets sick, take Tylenol Cold Severe Congestion..that stuff works wonders...).  I did, however, get worried about taking that..then I saw 2 other people on my preggo board say they were taking it, too, at the advice of their OB.  But I've been cramping alot today..no bleeding, just cramping.  I'm hoping it's either from coughing so hard, possibly a UTI (I ran out of my daily antibiotic yesterday for those), constipation (yep, lovely, I know), or a combo of the three.  I automatically assume the worst, and I'm trying REALLY hard not to freak out here.  My ob's office opens in the am, so I'm going to try and get in.  I also have to try and get Kait in to her dentist still, too.  So, a little prayer would be appreciated..for little bean, and for my sanity.  I try my hardest to keep the panic at bay, but sometimes...sometimes I just can't.  When we had the ultrasound and I saw that little face looking back my way on the screen...for just an instant, I remembered what it was like to be happy and enjoy a pregnancy...to have dreams for the little one inside.  My reality came back quickly, tho, and I can feel my heart guarding itself again...a feeble attempt to avoid any more pain.