The lights are on, and someone is home-but the door is locked from the outside!

After much deliberating, I've decided to take myself off of the Zoloft.  I gave it a shot for 3 weeks, and what I've found is this:  I no longer having crying-bursts...I sit here thinking everything I was always thinking, but I can no longer *feel* anything about anything.  It keeps me *so* balanced that I don't get too happy, too sad, too anything.  I'm just *here*.  I feel trapped inside my own head...screaming to get out, but sitting here with almost a blank look on my face.  What cinched it was...well, without getting too graphic, I've noticed that my sex drive is greatly affected and I'm either unable to reach orgasm-or I have great difficulty getting there.  Alex and I have a wonderful relationship in EVERY aspect, and I'm not going to screw it up because I couldn't stop crying.  I'll figure out how to stop crying.  I don't want him to think it's his fault when that problem occurs-it's most definately not-never a complaint in that department.

On another note, something else that helped me make my decision about the Zoloft...when I heard this news..news that should have devastated me (in my mind it DID, but I couldn't FEEL it)...Candice (Tina's SIL) has lost her baby.  She was nearing her 6th month, had to deliver her baby today.  This is her 3rd stillborn child...I honestly can't imagine.  Anyone out there in cyberland who's reading tonight-say a little prayer for her, Brian, and their family tonight....so much pain and loss...

Things are going along well otherwise.  The hotel has reopened one building, so Alex is back at work.  Has the most horrid schedule, but just have to deal with it :(  Only good thing about it is he gets 3 days off now, instead of 2.  Right now, we share one day off.  But soon, we'll have 2 together again when his schedule takes a slight change.  Things at the bank are truckin' right along-I'm waiting to hear back about the transfer (the people at the branch I'm at now have been talking about changing the schedule soon-so I'm hoping to get out-soon).

Hopefully this weekend we'll be out looking at houses-we're hoping to buy this year and we've got to get on the ball here-our lease is up here in September (end of it, I think).  We're going to be moving back into town-but I'm picky about which school district.

I think I might have lost my digi-cam at Daytona-not sure, but I can't find it so far.  Total bummer, I had really good pics on there of the whole family at the beach.  I'm just hoping my brother grabbed it by mistake.

That's enough for me...time to ZzZzZz..atleast til Alex gets home. 

Heh, ok so I lied...

So last night I wrote that, with the help of the meds, I haven't been able to cry-even if the need was there.  Well, last night Alex and I cuddled up on the couch and watched "The Notebook", and omfg we bawled our eyes out.  Such a bittersweet movie, but dang, I kinda needed that-think my tearducts were clogging up.  A definate "must-see" on the movie, tho.

Our a/c went out last night (in Florida..in the summer..God help us..), so we're sweating like crazy here.  Called the landlord, won't hear back til Monday-I'm tempted to sleep in the car with the a/c on in there tonight.

We went and picked up Kaity in Georgia today.  As soon as they pulled up (in a new car, no less..after bitching about being broke-and they were still bitching about being broke when they got out of above mentioned car), Kaity told Alex to go see her baby sister.  He said no, flatly.  However, I guess that wasn't a good enough answer for his exwife, so she got the baby out and held her up for all to see...just rub the salt in the wound...she's evil, and knows it.  Karma...that goes for alot of people...karma coming at you people who so rightfully deserve it.

Oh, forgot to mention earlier, Alex seems to be having a good Father's Day-he's got his girl with him, I know that makes him happy.  I got him a pretty cool watch, and I had taken him on a shopping-spree of sorts (he never buys anything for himself, so he picked out some shirts and sunglasses) a couple of days ago.  I love you, honey :)

Not much else going on, going to go sit outside for awhile (yes, it's actually cooler out there then in here).

No more tears...

I've been on the meds for going on 2 weeks now...as far as how they're working, I don't really know.  What I do know is that they make it so I can't cry.  I just...can't.  I still think the things I do that would normally have me in tears...think about crying..but nothing.  I don't know if that's good or not.

Kim and Donald were waiting for me outside at my car yesterday after work.  Donald said since I was 'antisocial', he'd bring Kim to me, then rubbed her growing belly, and said 'see what you have been missing'.  He has no idea what said to me, obviously.  I don't need to see shit, I know EXACTLY what I'm missing.  People don't think.

Work is going...I don't really talk too much to people.  Just do my job, go home.  I had emailed to see if I could find out something about what's going on-haven't heard anything back.

We were supposed to go to Georgia today to get Alex's daughter, but some b.s. happened w/ his ex, so we're going tomorrow.  Our a/c has stopped working at the house, and we're all miserable.  Hopefully start looking at buying our own house here in a few weeks...Alex's brother said he'd help us, so I would think we won't have any problems.

Guess there isn't much else to say...I have a hard time thinking about anything that requires me feeling anything, therefore making it so I really can't think of anything to write.  I'm not sure if I like this or not.  It's nice to not humiliate myself by crying at the drop of a pin, but now I just can't seem to feel anything at all...what kind of existance is that?

Hurry up and wait

Well, after talking to a few people, I went to the head of human resources and explained the situation.  She said they definately don't want me to quit over something as simple to solve as a scheduling conflict.  So, she said she'd see about getting me back to the branch I trained at, or atleast at a branch that can work me when I'm willing to work, not closing every day.

Happy pills are doing something,  I guess.  I still feel miserable, but I don't cry as much.  So is that an improvement?  I don't really know.  I just don't understand what's happened..I *thought* I was doing so well.  I guess maybe losing Marissa, then having a m/c has all finally hit.  I keep getting emails from people I've either talked to and *helped*, or to people I've helped inadvertanly from the journal telling me to hang on...I'm trying.  I'm so desperately trying.  I can go thru the motions of a *normal* day, but at the end--I don't even want to say how I feel.  How am I supposed to throw a babyshower for my best friend?  What kind of friend does that make me that I don't think I can give a shower, or that I even want to be AT the shower?  I can't hardly talk to her on the phone.  She says she understands-she doesn't.  I don't, how could she?  I'm really trying to work up to being able to do this for her--she deserves it, it's not her fault that I'm losing it. 

On a happier note, Kaitlynne is doing well at her daycare.  They have it set up like a school classroom, do many different activities.  She always runs in hugging everyone-she's always been a hugger.  She seems happy with it, and learning along the way...I got very lucky that this daycare opened and we got in when we did.  We'll be putting Alex's daughter in there, too, when she comes down in a week.  I'm sure she'll like it, too...something different, not just hanging around the house getting in trouble like the last couple of times she's visited.  I swear, those two together is definately double-trouble!  But-they get along just like sisters-it's sweet (most of the time..lol).

Guess that's enough for now..we're trying to decide if we want to go do anything or not.  It's overcast and raining off and on here from the Tropical Storm.  Just didn't want to hang out in the house all weekend.

Prayers to the family of Natalee Holloway...nothing definate's been said, of course, but it's not heading in a *happy ending* direction.  I can only imagine how her mother feels...

Happy pills

Work has taken a nose-dive.  I'm at my 'home' branch now, and there's a problem with the manager.  She wants me to bendover and take it up the yanno what and work a shift that keeps me from home (not the point of getting the job), and I refuse.  She says work it, or resign (this is supposed to take effect in a month).  It comes to it and the bank chooses to waste it's money by training me so I can quit-then so be it.  I'm hoping to just be ok'd for a transfer out.  I offered a very fair alternative to the schedule-she's not going for it.  She's been 'not so nice' ever since the branch I trained at asked if I could stay with them-she didn't care for that all that much and I think she thinks I'm causing problems with the schedule just to get out of her branch.  Has nothing to do with it-I took this job to get out of the house, stop dwelling on all the bad things, get my mind on something else...not this.

I had my followup appt. at the OB today.  Make you sit in a croweded lobby area full of happy pregnant women.  I stared at the floor thinking of the songs from "Willy Wonka" to keep from crying.  I get back to a room, wait 20 minutes, and try to figure out WHAT to think of once he gets in there so I won't cry.  He walks in, does the exam, asks about my blood pressure (it was ok)-and says he'd like to monitor it.  He says to keep taking prenatal vitamins, ok to have sex, but doesn't want us to get pregnant for 2-3 months (that's fine, but we don't do condoms and OB and I agree that birth control isn't an option so that we can get pregnant again).  He then grabs my hand and says, "I know you feel like you have a black cloud following you...one major loss, then another.  Please know it's not your fault.  I know you have faith (he then says a few lines from the book of Job), and please hold onto it.  Together with God we will see a healthy child come from you."  And I'm not supposed to start crying??  Of course I have a black cloud following me..the God that you speak of hates me, didn't you know??  He asks me if I feel the grief is too overwhelming..if I'd like to try an antidepressant to "help".  I nod my head, whilst I hang my head-ashamed, almost, that I couldn't control myself-again.  Every time I've seen this lovely man, it's for him to tell me my child has died...and that I'm healing nicely from it.  How can I not cry at that?  I can't stop crying...I feel like I'm being swallowed whole.

Alex called during the appt, I called him back.  I was, of course, crying.  He says it's ok, we'll have a healthy baby, I've got him.  Having him, and having Kaitlynne, are ALL thats holding me here.  Without, I'd be gone-no ifs, ands, buts about it.

I got home today and Kaitlynne came running out saying, "Mommy!" and gave me a hug.  Altho I feel completely lost at the moment, it helped more than her little soul will ever know-reminded me that tho I've lost 2 children now...I have been lucky to have one...something I know some women never get.  If I could just keep my mind on the positive track...then I wouldn't need the happy pills to keep me from slipping further away.

Landslide brought you down...

I've taken a full-on landslide right back to the beginning of the end.  I'm so depressed the last few days (today, more then yesterday, more then the day before..).  I cry for Marissa, for the recent angelbaby (someone emailed me to tell me she was diagnosed with a blighted ovum-she didn't believe them and she now has a 2 year old little girl from it.  Now I wonder-did I really have one?  Or did I just kill my unborn child?).  Was that email meant to make me feel better?  Sure as hell didn't help, whoever it was.  I can't say "I have faith it will happen" anymore.  I don't have faith that it will.  I see everyone around me is pregnant, it feels like anyway.  All happy, go-lucky, pregnant people.  Good for them.  Shitty for me.  I'm tired.  Slept all day, still tired.  I just don't understand what I've done in my life (past or present) to deserve this neverending heartache.  God hates me.  I say it all the time-He hates me.  I'm permanantly on his shitlist.  Last person standing.  It's not fair.  I feel sad.  I feel angry.  I feel bitter.  I feel cheated.  No one gets it.  I don't know how to get anyone to get it.  Life has moved on for everyone..and I thought for myself, too.  I'm back to feeling the exact same way I felt when I heard "I'm sorry, there is no fetal heartbeat"..translation.."Your baby has died and you did nothing to stop it...you should have known and done something."  Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?  That's because no one gets it.  4+ months have passed.  4+ months since they day part of me died (and not the part I should have saved...but a part I can't save, nonetheless).  I don't know what's happening, but I have definately lost my faith.  I can't imagine delivering a healthy baby.  I can't imagine a baby in the nursery (still sitting untouched, collecting dust).  I've lost the faith.  I'm tired.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.  I'm slipping into the darkness, and I'm not so sure I want to be helped out anymore.  I'm miserable to myself, miserable to others.  I just bring them down if I try to get any of this out.  So I don't.  I laugh, play the goofball that everyone expects me to be...inside, I'm dying very slowly, very painfully.  I'm tired.  I've lost the faith..no one gets it.  Maybe I don't get it either.