It finally happened!

Just a quick entry...I finally had a dream about the baby!  I have mentioned before not being able to fully picture the *happy ending* coming at the end of this journey.  It's so hard...to not get excited...to not trust your body and mind to tell you when something's wrong.  The dream...baby was a girl with dark brown hair, blue eyes (tho I'm feeling boy..lol).  I was putting a cloth diaper on her, then breastfeeding her...it felt so real (I actually woke up with some wetness on my pajama top...my body reacted to the dream, it was so surreal...).  Just kind of neat for me...I told Alex right away, tho I'm not sure he appreciated the excitement behind it.

I'm still battling the funk that is trying to take over.  As I've mentioned, there's just so much going on and for the most part, all I can do is wait it out...see what happens with things.  I feel very out of control, and sitting unnoticed in the corner.

Watching the time...

I'm having kind of a hard time right now.  I'm sure part of it's hormones and the fact I'm not really sleeping well (baby is so low, the pain in my lower back and pelvis brings tears at times..but I know it's worth it).  There are alot of things going on, tho. 

I'm scared of having a csection again (tho I know I survived the first one with flying colors)...I'm afraid something will happen to me, tho...and I won't see my kids grow up.  For the first time in a long time, I can *almost* picture bringing a baby home, tho...almost...

I feel like I'm being pulled in 20 different directions.  I do everything I can think to do for everyone and it never seems to be enough.  "I" never seem to be enough.  I guess everyone figures I'll always be around anyway. I feel taken for granted...a little underappreciated...alot unnoticed.  I've been pregnant and under extreme emotional duress for the better part of 2 years.  My mind and body need a break, but that doesn't mean I'm not still me.  I have feelings...insecurities...fears.  They always seem to get brushed aside, tho.  Walked on.  I'm so tired of looking/feeling like the ever-trusting idiot.  Being the unwilling participant in games that hurt only me.  It's not fair...I don't deserve it.  I think my life shows punishment enough, and I had hoped I'd get "my" time before I wasn't here anymore. 

RIP Prince "Precious" Price

At 3:15p this afternoon, Prince (my brother's dog...and our dog's exhusband..ha ha) was put to sleep after the discovery that he was going into complete organ failure due to cancer.  The vet reassured that Prince didn't suffer, and I hope to God she's right...he was such a good little dog.  Definately like losing a much-loved member of our family.  He was buried in my brother's yard, with a brand-new squeaky toy (green alien-his favorite).  Sweet dreams, Fritzie-Poo.

Daunte's a Dolphin!

Just a quick post to say welcome home to Daunte Culpepper!  He's been traded home to Florida (Miami Dolphins).  So now my favorite player is on Alex's favorite team!  Woot!  Ok so yeah I cling on to the fact that Daunte and I graduated high school together...like being famous by proxy...lol!  It's still very cool, and I'm happy to see him coming back :) MiamiDolphins.com: Press Box

As Promised...

Above are pics of the nursery (and *the stash*).  It's nothing spectacular, but I like it.  We also have another bassinette (not pictured..the Winnie the Pooh one from Walmart with remote control gadgets on it) in our bedroom.  We decided to hold off on purchasing a full-size crib for a bit, since baby will be co-sleeping in our room.  Alex's brother gave us that cute pack-n-play crib.  He also gave us the Winnie the Pooh highchair (also not pictured because it's tucked away in the closet).  The other side of the room (it's a really long room) is Kaitlynne's play room (tv/gamecube) and her study area (sometimes doubles as my craft station..lol) for homeschooling.

Also pictured is a photo album I made today (I'll be selling them on my friend, Gretchen's, website Tulip Baby Ltd. Co.), and perhaps on Ebay, as well.  I used to do these a few years ago, but left all my supplies with my ex (butthead probably burned them..lol).

I also put a picture of the beginnings of the "Angel Wall" for Marissa up.  We want to do more, and will..when the time's right.  It's in the nursery, and we'll be adding a nice-sized shelf up high to put her ashes and a picture (and other keepsakes) on.

Also a pic of the gift I got from one of my shower buddies from the May board.  It's so cute!

That's it for now, doing things around here.  Toodles.

NST's and neighbors

A little update, I'm so dang tired.  I had my NST on Monday.  It went well...nurse said baby was very active, especially for a 28 weeker.  My bp was slightly up, but nothing to be concerned about.  They also did the ultrasound that was ordered.  Apparantly, it was ordered as "An OB ultrasound with history of fetal demise".  So, as one nurse put it, it's a 'reassurance' ultrasound.  Therefore, it was very brief (no pics).  They checked the heartrate (145, going strong..baby didn't want to sit still for them), and I had asked they peek between the legs.  She said *possible* boy, but don't buy blue...his/her foot was laying right on top of the goods.  Everyone was very nice, tho it took forever to get it all done.  Alex said something that is so true, tho.  Everyone acted like I should be thrilled that the heart is still beating strong (and of course I am!!!!), but they don't realize that our 'demise' happened so late in pregnancy.  Marissa was fine at this point, too.  In fact, she was fine just 2 days before I went to the hospital for no movement.  I had an NST and an ultrasound 2 days before..everything appeared perfect.  So while yes, we're obviously more then happy/relieved that little one is doing well, we're still extremely guarded.  The nursery did get done, but we have yet to come close to choosing a name.  We don't even talk about it, actually.  Might be a very last-minute deal.

As far as other things go...the buildings have been demolished at the hotel.  It looks better, but no word on what, if anything, will be put up in it's place.  Alex's brother next door sent over a really nasty note yesterday...and my blood pressure shot up about 20 points.  I called Alex and told him to take care of it-period.  So he did, and his brother said 'oh, just disregard the note, I found out you already did it anyway'.  My response:  F*CK YOU!  How dare he think he can talk to us that way..or ANYONE that way!  I hate having them next door...I know they're family, but not any that I care to associate with.  My brother, on the other hand, has decided to just ignore us.  He wasn't really talking to us much anyway, but when I chewed him out for not having contact with mom---haven't heard a word since.  Screw him, too.  Tho I'd rather be ignored then treated like a piece of sh*t by him, like what's happening out here.

Kim and I met up for brunch today at Scrambles.  Susan's working there again, but I had a WIC appt and it's right across the street.  Anywho, that's about it, I guess.  As Steph ends her's with...take care of yourself, and each other ;)

28 week appt

Sorry for not updating.  I had my appointment Thursday.  My weight was good, BP up just a little bit, baby's heartbeat in the high 130's (little one made the PA chase him/her with the doppler).  He said he'll have me retake the glucose test in a few weeks, and gave me my orders to go to the hospital to get my NST and ultrasound :)  I'm so happy the ultrasound is there, I won't have to deal with that evil woman...they have a better machine...etc...  He said I could go anytime before Tuesday, however when I called the hospital, they said I had to schedule the ultrasound.  I tried to do that, but no one was there to do it..I called back and the next lady had no idea what I was talking about?  So, I'm just going to show up on Monday and see what happens.  I also asked him about scheduling the csection (so Alex can work on getting the week off).  He said he didn't want to give the exact day yet (just in case something changes and need earlier, but hopefully won't), but he said to plan on my 38th week, which is the week of May 15th.  So, that's pretty exciting :)  Close enough to knowing.  We also got the nursery done, for the most part.  I'll take pics and post them later.  I had a hard time with it...I've been delaying it because I was so afraid of *jinxing* something.  I was doing ok until I got to the diaper bag...I had to unpack what has been stuck in time for the last year +.  Marissa's baby book was the hardest...forever left undone...no first words, birthdays, etc...  I remember packing that bag...a different time, place, me.  No matter the gender of the baby, there are some items of Marissa's I just can't bare to share.  I bought those things with just her in mind, just as I have bought things for just this baby.  So, I'll put her items away with the other 'runner-up' prizes we have :(

Enough for now, it took me a few days to snap out of that funk, and I don't really want to revisit..not today anyway.  We're having 'date night' with Kim & Donald (no kids..for any of us..it'll be great).  We're going to Outback (Alex has never been, I've only been once-many years ago), then Alex and I have the rest of the night off because my mom is keeping Kaitlynne overnight. 

Hope all are well.