I'm having kind of a hard time right now. I'm sure part of it's hormones and the fact I'm not really sleeping well (baby is so low, the pain in my lower back and pelvis brings tears at times..but I know it's worth it). There are alot of things going on, tho.
I'm scared of having a csection again (tho I know I survived the first one with flying colors)...I'm afraid something will happen to me, tho...and I won't see my kids grow up. For the first time in a long time, I can *almost* picture bringing a baby home, tho...almost...
I feel like I'm being pulled in 20 different directions. I do everything I can think to do for everyone and it never seems to be enough. "I" never seem to be enough. I guess everyone figures I'll always be around anyway. I feel taken for granted...a little underappreciated...alot unnoticed. I've been pregnant and under extreme emotional duress for the better part of 2 years. My mind and body need a break, but that doesn't mean I'm not still me. I have feelings...insecurities...fears. They always seem to get brushed aside, tho. Walked on. I'm so tired of looking/feeling like the ever-trusting idiot. Being the unwilling participant in games that hurt only me. It's not fair...I don't deserve it. I think my life shows punishment enough, and I had hoped I'd get "my" time before I wasn't here anymore.
1 comment:
HI, I found your journal thourgh the AOL message boards.
Can't remember which one ( I read so many..lol)
And, I check it now and then to see how you're doing.
This is the first time I've felt the need to leave a comment!
The main thing I wanted to say is that I could have written this post myself! I know and understand exactly what you mean.
And, with my husband working all the time, well, I feel under appreciated and alone a lot of the time, too.
It's hard.I also lost my first child, my beautiful daughter Bethany- 2 weeks before her second birthday. So, I also understand the pain of losing a child.
I think that's why I read your journal (hope you don't mind) because I relate to you so much.
I have 3 kids now...a girl 12, and 2 boys 10 & 5 yrs.
If you ever need someone to rant to, or just chat with....let me know. And, try to take it easy on yourself. You really need your rest & your strength right now!
Wishing you a happy healthy little baby! :O)
Take care, Sharyn
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