Putting myself in the dumps...

I just can't help it.  I have a few more days until AF is 'supposed' to show..I started the ritual 'if it's near me in the bathroom, pee on it' testing..so far, nothing.  It's still a bit early, I know, but I have myself so convinced it isn't going to happen...ever.  I'm trying to stay upbeat for everyone else, I fight the tears every minute now...again.  I was at a school dance with Kaitlynne on Friday.  I was sat between Kim (my preggo friend), and a woman who had a child 3 months old.  The age my little Marissa would be now.  I was doing ok, oblivious to it..when this overwhelming feeling hit me like I should have Marissa sitting on my knee, bouncing her to the music.  It took everything in me to NOT bolt out the door in tears. 

Not much else to add.  Hotel is still shutdown (Alex has been out of work for 3 weeks now-supposed to go back this week sometime for cleanup, we hope).  Bank still screwing with me about the background.  I applied at a title company that Nick's g/f works at.  Blah.  Everything just feels...blah.

AF is going to show.  I know it.  I'll totally break down over it.  I know it.

My pick-me-up

A little add-on to tonights entry.  I was feeling pretty down (I'm still upset-but I'm going to try and fight it with the bank).  Anywho, we heard meow'ing outside and Kait said she was going to go let Sugar (one of our cats) inside.  I said it didn't sound like Sugar...Kait comes in with the cutest kitten!  He's like maybe 3-4 months old, orange, and skinny!  We're keeping him, unless I hear of someone missing him.  Here's his picture (he's so lovey).

Power of proof..or lack there of...

I just don't understand.  I had 2 perfect interviews with the bank.  I had it.  Was just waiting on them to call and say so.  I called them yesterday, left a message.  The branch manager just called me.  She said that I wasn't eligible for rehire.  I had been put down as a no-call, no-show.  I GAVE 2 WEEKS NOTICE!  She said I had to have worked my full 2 weeks to be eligible for rehire.  I DID!  She said I can call and talk to HR in Orlando if I want, but it's hard to get that off of a file once it's on there.  I don't understand.  I HAVE had jobs that I didn't give notice at, mind you..but I did give notice on this one.  I know I did-or I wouldn't have wasted everyone's time.  But I have no proof.  They have a headteller's statement that I did this..they have 'proof'.  I'm so bummed.  I was having a hard enough time the last few days...remembering Marissa, who would have been 3 months old...wondering if I'm pregnant..worrying about what's going to happen with everything with the hotel being closed for awhile.  I just can't believe it.  When it rains, it pours.  It's really pouring today...

The dreaded wait...

It hardly seems possible that just a few short weeks ago I was writing of the terrible heartache that I've now learned how to wake up to.  Now, I sit...waiting...the dreaded wait.  In the next week or so I will know if Alex and I were successful in getting pregnant yet again.  I read the boards I frequented during my pregnancy....I see the milestones, hear of first laughs, cutest facial expressions, pretty outfits for pictures....it's not fair.  I should be posting these little mommy brag's, too.  Someday...

Today is 12 weeks.  Our daughter would be 12 weeks old today.  Not a day goes by that a tear doesn't get shed...just a few less then in the beginning...

The hotel is still shut down.  We're starting to get a bit panicky for financial reasons.  I hope to hear about the bank job VERY soon.  Alex should know this week what he's going to have to do.  Never easy...

Scott and Pete left on their cruise today....do that one day, too.

Not much else to say...it's been a whole lot of hurry up and wait around here...

 

 

We're not in Kansas anymore...

Thursday, April 7th.  My mom's 56th Bday.  Happy Bday, Mom!  I was going to go pick her up and go eat at the hotel for dinner...good thing I got delayed.  A tornado hit the hotel Thursday afternoon.  I was on the phone with Alex, he says, "Oh shit!" and hangs up.  I'm like uh, ok.  He calls back 15 minutes later to tell me a 'big wind' just came thru and knocked the power out and took some of the roof off. In all, it wrecked a majority of the hotel, the irongate around the pool, and turned a SEMI over on its side!!!  Thank GOD, no one was hurt!  He's out of work now, tho (hopefully just for a week-we'll find out tomorrow from his dad).  I've got pics in my profile if anyone is caring to see.

*Smokey is not back.  I've put an ad online, called the shelters, everything I can think of (I didn't put fliers up because I don't have my printer working...I did ask all the neighbors tho, no one's seen him).*

We stayed home all day Sunday, just lounging.  Alex got up to take Kait to school this morning, came back 2 minutes after leaving to tell me we had 2 flat tires.  Yes, TWO flat tires.  Scott and Petey came over and aired them up, went to Walmart and got them patched.  Had a roofing nail in one (from the hotel's debris), and the patch that had been put in the other awhile back had leaked.

Anyone keeping up w/ our baby-makin *grin*, here's the update:  AF is gone (thank God), we started BD'ing on the 9th, O'ing on the 14th (hopefully).  Y'all cross your fingers, I need a baby in the nursery =(

That's good for now.  Night.

Holy Shi....

Soooo, I decided to be social and go out running errands with Kim today.  We first went to the tax & tag office so she could pay her land taxes.  I thought since I was there, I would renew my drivers license, which expires in May.  Lady takes my license, asks the regular questions.."dui?  accident?"...blah blah blah.  Then she stops and says, "Hold up, your license has been under suspension since September."  I'm just sitting there staring at her, then at Kim, then at her.  I'm like, "Are you sure you have the right number in there???  I haven't done anything wrong, why is it suspended???"  She says that computer says I had failed to provide proof of insurance on the tag that I had on my old car.  Anyway, gave me a paper, told me to go to the main office.  I get the old tag out of my trunk (I had just found it in there 2 days ago anyway), went down to the office w/ tag.  Turned that in, no biggie.  Go to the DMV (this is where I get nervous..if they don't see that I didn't have the tag on a car and I DID/DO have insurance, they'll make me pay $150 to get my license re-instated).  I get lucky, all day lines are short...I get all nice people (except the first lady who looked at me like I was a con or something).  They fix everything right up and I walk out with a new drivers license, only paying the 15 bucks to renew.  But OMG, it was like the twilight zone...LOL.  Forgot to add, that since I had proven that my insurance as covering me at the time they suspended it for 'not having insurance', it was a mistake.  Not on my record..woohoo...I was really worried about that, too.

Other then that...Kait got an appointment (in 2 weeks) for a private speech therapy center.  Dunno what they can do, but her pediatrician referred her, so we'll see.

Smokey is still gone-almost 2 weeks now-I don't think he's coming back =(

I'm on day 6 of the hag.  I jinxed myself saying earlier it had lightened up and should be gone soon...she came back (not as bad, but bad enough).  Ugh....no wonder I'm so tired, I have no blood left *ack*.

Tomorrow's mom's bday.  Was goin to try and plan a bbq at Kim's mom's house, but their A/C is broken.  So goin to try and get everyone together to go out to eat-mom doesn't have any friends, really...and doesn't get out of her house much...thought I'd make her social for atleast one day.

That's 'bout it, I guess.  Night.

Jokes on me

April Fools day:  the hag showed, and with a vengence.  It's been so bad I actually had to take a percocet for the pain-was like the pain I had about a week after the csection.  And the bleeding (I know, TMI)...told Alex I might need a transfusion!  Ugh...I called the doc's office, his nurse told me this was normal for a first period after a csection.  I just hope they aren't all like this.  I'm used to 3 days start to finish.  Anyway, I won't say I wasn't bummed.  Bummed is probably pretty mild...I was damn near devastated.  BUT...I've given myself hope that now my body is fully cleaned out (or will be whenever the hag is done), and I should ovulate and be good to go this month.  I don't even think I ovulated last month.  Sucks following all this..never did it before.

Yesterday I did something that I've *needed* to do for quite some time now.  I went in the nursery, with a box of tissues in hand, and went thru my 'consolation prize' from the hospital-the bag of keepsakes we were given.  Her tiny footprints, locks of her hair, the blanket she was swaddled in...as hard as that was, going thru the diaper bag I had planned on taking to the hospital when we had her was harder.  Just *trying* desperately to remember how giddy I felt putting that bag together for her..the tiny outfits, pacifiers, diapers, ointments, medicines...I couldn't remember the feeling.  I can't remember at all how happy I was then.  It's gone.  The nursery is completely untouched.  Clothes all neatly folded, diapers and wipes ready to go, bassinette with blanket pulled back to put her in...I can't touch it.  I have to leave it that way.  I cried and cried...and cried some more.  Not just for the loss of our baby girl, but for the loss of our innocense in it all.  Having a baby has become a mission (more for me, then Alex, I think).  I'm terrorified of NOT getting pregnant, but terrorified OF getting pregnant, too. 

I hardly talk to Kim anymore.  I'm going to email her sister and ask about setting up the time/place for her babyshower.  I have to do that for her.  Part of me really wants to do it for her.  Part of me wishes it was me.  But she is my best friend-I have to be there for her-have to find the courage to face this head-on.  This will be her last baby, and thus far, she's really had no one outside of her family to share it with.

On another lovely note, my precious Smokey cat has been gone for over a week now.  I put an ad online for him, but only heard back from one person who was sure she had him-but she lives in Ormond Beach, so I don't see that bein' him...

Enough for now.