Kaitlynne started back to school yesterday. I didn't sleep well the night before, I guess I was nervous for her. She got a teacher who's very nice (she was her tutor for a short time last year...has training working with special needs students), and there's only 9 kids total in her class-that helped ease my mind somewhat. My SIL wanted to make sure I knew that Josh had wanted that teacher but the school thought Kaitlynne would do better in there (translation: she's ticked, thinking I had something to do with the teacher choice). I only told the school that I did NOT want Josh and Kaitlynne in the same class. I hope it all works out, I'm so nervous...worried...about the school year. I'm putting her in afterschool tutoring, as well...every little bit helps. I waited anxiously for her to come home yesterday...so did Alex. What we got in return was a kid with a mean streak, tho she says she had a good day. 1/2 the battle won. It was so disappointing, I was so happy to see her.
We had originally planned that I would go back to work part-time when school started, but we're just not ready for Brandon to be left with someone. We also don't know where we'll be living in a few months, so we're holding off on it.
Kaitlynne will be 9 years old tomorrow. I find that so hard to believe. I'm hoping school will help with her attitude...we're having an unbelievably hard time with her, and I don't know what to do about it all anymore. I take her to counseling, I take her to a psych, I get her meds to her...on the rare occasion she takes a small step forward, she very soon afte takes several HUGE steps back. I don't even know who to talk to about it, either. Since having the baby, many *friends* have all but disappeared. I don't understand any of it...and I can feel myself standing on the edge of a very deep depression. I'm trying not to let it consume me, but it's so hard...so goddamned hard...
There's so much more to it then what I've written, but I'm thinking that getting it all out would be a waste of time anyway. Who would listen? Who would care? Life has gone on, tho part of me was left behind. I get up everyday to a beautiful family, nice home and other material possessions. I want Kaitlynne to remember a good childhood, but I don't see it happening. I try and try...but it's not helping...nothing is helping. She's a sweet girl...trapped inside a body...a mind...that wants her to be otherwise. I'm her mother, but I can't protect her from this.
I'm rambling...I know there are people I don't know that read this...some post comments/send emails of support, and I thank you. I don't know what happened to my friends. I don't fit into the 'angel mom' group I talked to before because I'm the only one of them to go on to have a child. I don't really fit into the 'toddler mom' group because Marissa isn't here to be a toddler. The phone rings when something is wanted. No one calls to just say hello, how are you, how are things... No one returns calls when I call to say just those things to them.
I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself, and probably exaggerating. Oh well...guess I'll go finish the disaster that started at 545am while Alex and Brandon sleep.
I hope all who read this are well...I'm sure I will be, too. To the nut that will take this post and turn it into me being an unfit parent because I'm a lunatic...look in the mirror, woman. I'd be ashamed to be your age and be the 'person' you are.
5 comments:
(((((((((((((((((((Becky))))))))))))))))))))))))) and ((((((((((((Kaitlynne)))))))))))))))))))))
I wont even begin to pretend I know what you're going through, but you know I'm here if you need an ear.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like you don't fit anywhere. Just remember, you've always got a friend in me. ALWAYS!!!
I still think of you, and your sweet Angel Girl every single day. That too, will *never* change. You and Marissa have left such an imprint on my life, and in my heart. I will be forever thankful that I have had the chance to 'know' both of you.
And I hope that Kaitlynne adjusts to school quickly, and that it helps her some. You're a good Mommy. She wouldn't be the beautiful, sweet little girl that you DO have without you.
Again, should you ever need it, I've always got an ear for you. Take care, Mamma. And try not to be so hard on yourself. ((((hugs))))
HUgs and continued prayers...I sent you an email! Hope it helps?
Aww I love u Becky n I'd be lost without u!!!!<333
Ilove you, and you are a terrific mom!
Becky,
Of course you belong with the Feb. 05 Moms! I'm sure I can speak for everyone when I say that we love having you on the board and want to hear all about Brandon.
I am glad that you are feeling better and hope that you will be back to breastfeeding soon. I get a little depresses when I think about how I didn't breastfeed Morgan. Morgan and I couldn't get the latch right, and when I brought her home from the hospital, I panicked and gave her a bottle right away. Once she drank from a bottle, she did not want to breastfeed. She would cry and cry if I tried. I did pump for a couple of months, until she got colicky and I couldn't pump because she wanted me to hold her non-stop. I didn't know back then what I do now about getting your milk supply back. Anyway, I can understand how you got so upset at the thought of having to give it up.
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