"Bless'm your little heart"~Grannie Mary

Wow...I'm not even sure where to start, actually.  I remember as kids, Scott and I would go to our grandparents house for the weekend.  Grannie would cook roast, and we'd play Tripoly.  Or we'd be off scouring the many acres of land with Grandpa, fishing in the creek, scattering the cattle...  When Scott and I got a bit older and were living with my father, our grandparents came and "saved" us, so-to-speak, when my dad had taken off to patch things up with wife #5 (he had left no money and no food).  Grandpa died from a massive stroke after back surgery 17 years ago--she made sure she came and told us in person.  Grannie had this wierd voodoo looking tribal head that lit up that she used as a nightlight in her bathroom...thing scared the crap out of me.  A velvet picture of a bullfight hung in her living room, from her time living in Arizona with Grandpa.  Johnny Cash or The Tijuana Brass was always playing in the background...she smelled like flowers and White Rain hairspray.  When I moved back down to Florida, I promised I'd keep in touch.  I wrote frequently, and then 'life' distracted me.  It went to just Christmas cards.  She did get to see my oldest daughter, tho...even if it was many years ago, she did get to see her.  I had hoped she'd get better after her pneumonia last fall...

God bless'm your little heart, Grannie.  May you forever hold hands with your sweetheart, Winnie...rock your sweet baby daughter lost to you so many years ago...and spoil your great granddaughter, Marissa, as I know you would have here.  I'm so sorry I didn't see you again here...but I'll see you again there.  I love you, I'll never forget you...thank you for everything. 

Mary Elizabeth D., passing away ever-so-quietly in her sleep, at home as she had wanted, 3/31/06.

::Putting on my fairy outfit::

We went out to my brother's house yesterday.  They were outside piddling around while Pete's brother and sister-in-law were down working on tiling their floor (I think they might possibly have gotten the hint to get the heck out of Scott/Pete's house!).  Scott and Pete had bought a 4-wheeler about a couple of months ago, and they hooked up their utility trailer to it (padded it just for me and my preggo-self...awwww), and dragged Alex, myself and every child within a 5 mile radious out into the woods on some trails.  It was actually a blast!  Their dog, Lucky, followed behind until she got too tired (she had been doing it all day), so we brought her into the trailer with us. 

Today Kaitlynne FINALLY got to go to the dentist!  She was scared (I was scared for her)...those 2 molars that were just chipped a few months ago when I started trying to get her into the dentist were now nearly gone down to the gum..I was so worried they were going to say she needed an oral surgeon to cut them out...I was terrorified they were not her baby teeth, too.  However, she got lucky on both counts...they were her baby teeth and I guess it was just the root that was left exposed, the adult tooth was already pushing it out..so he was able to just pull.  She got a couple of fillings, too.  She came out with tears in her eyes, but she was so brave!  I was so very proud :*)  Another boy in there, about 2 years older or so then her, refused to let him touch them.  She went up and patted him on the back and said it wasn't too bad, and she got to keep (part of) her tooth for the tooth fairy...LOL.  The fairy just visited, she got 2 bucks a tooth (I know she'll be hootin' and hollerin' about 7am tomorrow morning..lol).  I really was proud of her...they take the kids back by themselves, so she did it all alone..what a little trooper :)

Tomorrow I have scheduled yet another appointment for her at the pediatrician.  The irritation on her ear just isn't going away, and he's given her 3 different topical ointments.  I'm worried about it..doesn't seem to hurt her much, unless she itches it too much.  I just don't know what it could be, and I guess he doesn't, either.  I'm also going to try and go do my tests tomorrow, too (NST and glucose).  I cooked Lasagna and Meatloaf tonight so I don't have to cook for a couple of days. 

I guess that's about it...added some pics, too (I'm about to start deleting some from my comp finally, since AOL's storing them for me on here..lol).

Catch-Up

Ok Thursday I had my 30 week appt.  My BP and weight are good, heartbeat sounds great :)  He measured my uterus, and it's measuring 2 weeks ahead; he then palpatated on the baby and said, "Wow, you must be miserable...that's a big baby."  Oh I knew that already..lol.  He ordered another NST and the retake on the 1 hour glucose test.  Alex asked him to please set a date for the csection so he can arrange for the week off work.  He set it for May 22nd at noon, but made it clear that if he sees something on the NST he doesn't like, he'll take the baby that day.  We agreed, and I told Alex I don't care what his father thinks, if it happens we have to go before the scheduled time, he WILL get his vacation to be with me...they can figure it out at the dang hotel.

Yesterday, I went to the Arnette House Charity Auction with Kim and her whole family again.  Last year was fun, tho Alex didn't get to go this year.  We weren't able to get much last year..the prices went beyond our means.  This year, I managed to win an auction for tickets to a Florida State game in September...not playing anyone terribly exciting, but still cool, I thought.  They were offering tickets to a Dolphins game..clubhouse seats..2 night stay at a hotel..Daunte's first game!!  Oh, but they went for nearly 600 bucks :(  I'm happy with the FSU tickets...hopefully Alex will like the game.

We're off to my brother's house this afternoon.  Haven't been out there in quite awhile...give Kait someone to play with (Pete's nephew and niece).

Now kiddies..pull up a chair..a couple quick points for our neighborhood shrew:

*Part-time at the bank offers great benefits.  Also, how can you say I was unemployed before marriage, but then talk about me working at the bank?  Make up your mind...I was to have no gentleman in my life?  No reason I should be pathetically miserable like you *smile*.

*My daughter is not 'handicapped', nor do I believe for one minute you are allowed within feet of any children, let alone to 'teach' them?  Please feed it to your well-paid cronies.

*I went to college!  Aha!  Because I have a child and went through a divorce I must be uneducated?  Anything but...I'd never use my education as a WMD, either...unless I was a lying freak, like yourself, who has no education but likes to spew big words from the dictionary that keeps you propped-up to the keyboard 24/7 (seriously..give your comp a break...SIGN OFF).

*Alex has another child from a previous marriage.  So do I.  We chose not to abort our children and then brag about it for the remainder of our lives--we leave that up to you.

Hmm...I guess that's ok for now, right?  Now go cower off to the corner until the braincell you share with the personalities kicks on and you think of another s/n to make up.  You are so unbelievably sad, Natalie.

It finally happened!

Just a quick entry...I finally had a dream about the baby!  I have mentioned before not being able to fully picture the *happy ending* coming at the end of this journey.  It's so hard...to not get excited...to not trust your body and mind to tell you when something's wrong.  The dream...baby was a girl with dark brown hair, blue eyes (tho I'm feeling boy..lol).  I was putting a cloth diaper on her, then breastfeeding her...it felt so real (I actually woke up with some wetness on my pajama top...my body reacted to the dream, it was so surreal...).  Just kind of neat for me...I told Alex right away, tho I'm not sure he appreciated the excitement behind it.

I'm still battling the funk that is trying to take over.  As I've mentioned, there's just so much going on and for the most part, all I can do is wait it out...see what happens with things.  I feel very out of control, and sitting unnoticed in the corner.

Watching the time...

I'm having kind of a hard time right now.  I'm sure part of it's hormones and the fact I'm not really sleeping well (baby is so low, the pain in my lower back and pelvis brings tears at times..but I know it's worth it).  There are alot of things going on, tho. 

I'm scared of having a csection again (tho I know I survived the first one with flying colors)...I'm afraid something will happen to me, tho...and I won't see my kids grow up.  For the first time in a long time, I can *almost* picture bringing a baby home, tho...almost...

I feel like I'm being pulled in 20 different directions.  I do everything I can think to do for everyone and it never seems to be enough.  "I" never seem to be enough.  I guess everyone figures I'll always be around anyway. I feel taken for granted...a little underappreciated...alot unnoticed.  I've been pregnant and under extreme emotional duress for the better part of 2 years.  My mind and body need a break, but that doesn't mean I'm not still me.  I have feelings...insecurities...fears.  They always seem to get brushed aside, tho.  Walked on.  I'm so tired of looking/feeling like the ever-trusting idiot.  Being the unwilling participant in games that hurt only me.  It's not fair...I don't deserve it.  I think my life shows punishment enough, and I had hoped I'd get "my" time before I wasn't here anymore. 

RIP Prince "Precious" Price

At 3:15p this afternoon, Prince (my brother's dog...and our dog's exhusband..ha ha) was put to sleep after the discovery that he was going into complete organ failure due to cancer.  The vet reassured that Prince didn't suffer, and I hope to God she's right...he was such a good little dog.  Definately like losing a much-loved member of our family.  He was buried in my brother's yard, with a brand-new squeaky toy (green alien-his favorite).  Sweet dreams, Fritzie-Poo.

Daunte's a Dolphin!

Just a quick post to say welcome home to Daunte Culpepper!  He's been traded home to Florida (Miami Dolphins).  So now my favorite player is on Alex's favorite team!  Woot!  Ok so yeah I cling on to the fact that Daunte and I graduated high school together...like being famous by proxy...lol!  It's still very cool, and I'm happy to see him coming back :) MiamiDolphins.com: Press Box

As Promised...

Above are pics of the nursery (and *the stash*).  It's nothing spectacular, but I like it.  We also have another bassinette (not pictured..the Winnie the Pooh one from Walmart with remote control gadgets on it) in our bedroom.  We decided to hold off on purchasing a full-size crib for a bit, since baby will be co-sleeping in our room.  Alex's brother gave us that cute pack-n-play crib.  He also gave us the Winnie the Pooh highchair (also not pictured because it's tucked away in the closet).  The other side of the room (it's a really long room) is Kaitlynne's play room (tv/gamecube) and her study area (sometimes doubles as my craft station..lol) for homeschooling.

Also pictured is a photo album I made today (I'll be selling them on my friend, Gretchen's, website Tulip Baby Ltd. Co.), and perhaps on Ebay, as well.  I used to do these a few years ago, but left all my supplies with my ex (butthead probably burned them..lol).

I also put a picture of the beginnings of the "Angel Wall" for Marissa up.  We want to do more, and will..when the time's right.  It's in the nursery, and we'll be adding a nice-sized shelf up high to put her ashes and a picture (and other keepsakes) on.

Also a pic of the gift I got from one of my shower buddies from the May board.  It's so cute!

That's it for now, doing things around here.  Toodles.

NST's and neighbors

A little update, I'm so dang tired.  I had my NST on Monday.  It went well...nurse said baby was very active, especially for a 28 weeker.  My bp was slightly up, but nothing to be concerned about.  They also did the ultrasound that was ordered.  Apparantly, it was ordered as "An OB ultrasound with history of fetal demise".  So, as one nurse put it, it's a 'reassurance' ultrasound.  Therefore, it was very brief (no pics).  They checked the heartrate (145, going strong..baby didn't want to sit still for them), and I had asked they peek between the legs.  She said *possible* boy, but don't buy blue...his/her foot was laying right on top of the goods.  Everyone was very nice, tho it took forever to get it all done.  Alex said something that is so true, tho.  Everyone acted like I should be thrilled that the heart is still beating strong (and of course I am!!!!), but they don't realize that our 'demise' happened so late in pregnancy.  Marissa was fine at this point, too.  In fact, she was fine just 2 days before I went to the hospital for no movement.  I had an NST and an ultrasound 2 days before..everything appeared perfect.  So while yes, we're obviously more then happy/relieved that little one is doing well, we're still extremely guarded.  The nursery did get done, but we have yet to come close to choosing a name.  We don't even talk about it, actually.  Might be a very last-minute deal.

As far as other things go...the buildings have been demolished at the hotel.  It looks better, but no word on what, if anything, will be put up in it's place.  Alex's brother next door sent over a really nasty note yesterday...and my blood pressure shot up about 20 points.  I called Alex and told him to take care of it-period.  So he did, and his brother said 'oh, just disregard the note, I found out you already did it anyway'.  My response:  F*CK YOU!  How dare he think he can talk to us that way..or ANYONE that way!  I hate having them next door...I know they're family, but not any that I care to associate with.  My brother, on the other hand, has decided to just ignore us.  He wasn't really talking to us much anyway, but when I chewed him out for not having contact with mom---haven't heard a word since.  Screw him, too.  Tho I'd rather be ignored then treated like a piece of sh*t by him, like what's happening out here.

Kim and I met up for brunch today at Scrambles.  Susan's working there again, but I had a WIC appt and it's right across the street.  Anywho, that's about it, I guess.  As Steph ends her's with...take care of yourself, and each other ;)

28 week appt

Sorry for not updating.  I had my appointment Thursday.  My weight was good, BP up just a little bit, baby's heartbeat in the high 130's (little one made the PA chase him/her with the doppler).  He said he'll have me retake the glucose test in a few weeks, and gave me my orders to go to the hospital to get my NST and ultrasound :)  I'm so happy the ultrasound is there, I won't have to deal with that evil woman...they have a better machine...etc...  He said I could go anytime before Tuesday, however when I called the hospital, they said I had to schedule the ultrasound.  I tried to do that, but no one was there to do it..I called back and the next lady had no idea what I was talking about?  So, I'm just going to show up on Monday and see what happens.  I also asked him about scheduling the csection (so Alex can work on getting the week off).  He said he didn't want to give the exact day yet (just in case something changes and need earlier, but hopefully won't), but he said to plan on my 38th week, which is the week of May 15th.  So, that's pretty exciting :)  Close enough to knowing.  We also got the nursery done, for the most part.  I'll take pics and post them later.  I had a hard time with it...I've been delaying it because I was so afraid of *jinxing* something.  I was doing ok until I got to the diaper bag...I had to unpack what has been stuck in time for the last year +.  Marissa's baby book was the hardest...forever left undone...no first words, birthdays, etc...  I remember packing that bag...a different time, place, me.  No matter the gender of the baby, there are some items of Marissa's I just can't bare to share.  I bought those things with just her in mind, just as I have bought things for just this baby.  So, I'll put her items away with the other 'runner-up' prizes we have :(

Enough for now, it took me a few days to snap out of that funk, and I don't really want to revisit..not today anyway.  We're having 'date night' with Kim & Donald (no kids..for any of us..it'll be great).  We're going to Outback (Alex has never been, I've only been once-many years ago), then Alex and I have the rest of the night off because my mom is keeping Kaitlynne overnight. 

Hope all are well.

I can't think of a dang subject...

Things have been going ok, I guess.  Kim and I went to Kotobuki for lunch last Tuesday (I had promised her when taxes came back, we'd go...she bought Kait and I Sonny's one night when we went out to visit).  Alex had picked up Kaitlynne and kept her for me until he went to work (whatta sweetie), so it was just her, I, and the twins.  Kaitlynne says she thinks she did well on the FCAT.  She has one more day of it next week, then she's done.  Alex keeps saying 'What if she passes?'...lol!  I hate to say I don't want her to pass!  I'm having her repeat her current grade back at school next year..using the FCAT as a guide to see where she's needing help.  Tuesday, Alex's car broke down on the interstate on his way home, so Kait and I had to go get him...I hate that, I get so worried about him or anyone standing on the side of the road...I've watched too many cop shows, I guess.  Wednesday we towed it back to the hotel (tho it did start).  Thursday we went to Chuck E Cheese with Kim and her family again (paper keeps putting out pretty good coupons)...kids had a blast (didn't really see much of them..lol).  Donald looked at Alex's car and says he can fix it, so we're towing it out to their house today and dropping it off (they won't be home).  Luckily, the hotel has a few extra cars (don't ask), so Alex has had a vehicle to use.  Yesterday, the demolition crew finally started knocking down the buildings.  One is already down, they started on the second today.  I told Alex's dad that when he called this morning-he was cussing up a storm at how long it took them to get there...said he can't wait for them to be done so he can tell them just what he thinks of them...ahahahahaha.

As far as pregnancy news, things seem to be going good.  My bp is up and down, but I'm not doing any more med adjustments-guess I'll let the doc do it..lol.  I have my 28 week appt next week, where I'll start the NST's and he's scheduling another ultrasound.  We're going today to look at cribs, and probably put one on layaway (don't need it right now anyway).  His brother gave us a *crib*, but it's a pack-n-play (which is great..but I had wanted a *regular* one, too).  We still haven't set up the nursery or gone thru anything...I can't explain the feeling it gives me.  I guessto say it terrorifies me that we will *jinx* ourselves by doing it?  Have another nursery to have to take down?  I don't know...I know we need to get it done, but I'm dreading it at the same time.  We're going to put the nursery here in the computer room, probably hang a curtain to seperate the *play* room from the nursery..not sure yet.  Baby will be in our room for a little bit anyway in the bassinette.  It's all very surreal talking about this...I have been buying cloth diapers/covers, yet when I see them, I STILL can not picture having a baby to put them in.  I told Carolyn about that...that the scariest part of this pregnancy is NOT being able to picture the *happy* ending...

*Hugs & Lovin's* to Steph, who lost her Granny last week...I know how close y'all were :(

Anywho, I'm sure I missed updating something, but I can't remember anything anymore *sigh*.  There's a few pics from Chuck E Cheese up there.  Toodles.