One Step Closer to Forever...

I got my affidavit from the newspaper-it's been a quick 4 weeks.  I completed the online course required.  We're one step closer to forever, honey...I love you!

I found out something today about someone I thought I *knew*, that I cared about, who helped me thru a very hard time.  I care about this person a great deal and always will for what they did for me, but what I found out today..is disturbing, and depressing.  I'm...disappointed in the person.  I know why what was done, was done..but that doesn't make it any less wrong..so very wrong.  I wish this person the best, of course...happiness and health...just isn't the person I thought I knew, I guess.  Or the *want* was too great, did what they had to do..I don't know.  Probably never will, either. 

Head Explosion

Just don't write in this thing as much as I used to...maybe when the hours change at work, I'll find the want to do it..to do anything, really.  Packing, changing all our bills over, etc...such a hassle and it's looming overhead...BUT, I'm so thankful we have a home to be in now, and one to go to.  Poor people in the destruction path from the hurricane...I feel so badly for them.  Then the asshole looters are out-like people haven't lost enough, these 'people' are taking what's left.  There's a special place in hell for them, I guarantee it.  Alex gave ideas on what he wanted for my engagement ring and our wedding bands..we picked out what we want-it's beautiful, he did good...but I never doubted he would.  *I love you, honey*

Well, we didn't get pregnant last go-round.  I figure it's the stress of our schedules and everything going on.  Not a whole lot of time or energy for lovin' from either one of us as of late.  I obsessed last month, too...I was so upset when the hag showed, I was so sure I was...felt betrayed by my body yet again.  To top it off, I made that whole day complete by packing up the baby's room.  Everything had been left untouched for months...it hurt badly to pack it up.  To put our daughter's ashes wrapped so gently in a box...no one should have to do this, live w/ this kind of pain everyday...

All's quiet...

It's official, Alex's dad has bought the property.  7 acres in a smalltown outside where we are now.  His brother has already moved out, we'll be moving out in of September.  Be so nice to not have to pay any rent anymore...a place of our own.  We're planning the wedding for November 19th.  We're both excited, after all we've been thru, and sometimes still go thru, I know he's *the one*.  No one can touch what we have together;  I love him more every day, as does Kaitlynne.

I changed positions at work, so in 2 weeks I'll be working only Monday and Friday, making a little more money than I was parttime.  Only problem is I did this not knowing we were moving yet, so the place I'm going to be working is about on the other side of the world from where we're moving.  I guess it'll be ok for now, only 2 days a week.  Mom's keeping Kait after school on those days-hopefully she won't change her mind when we move...it's really not much further for her than where we live now.

I did go to my friend's babyshower, and went alone.  It was hard, won't lie...but not as hard as I thought it was.  When I knew I had to leave, I made my quick exit..period.  She also got a new house, I went out and saw it a few days ago...really nice, but pretty much had to do my quick exit after I got the detailed tour of the nursery.  She's 33 weeks now, tho, and all are well-and that's what's important.  They already talk to me about going to the hospital when she has them-and the thought makes me want to cry-I don't know if I can do it...we'll see.

Anyway, guess that's it for now.  I'm having a melancholy-sort of day...but it's early, hoping that will all change as the day progresses.

8 years ago today...

I gave birth to the most amazing little girl.  Kaitlynne is 8 years old, I can't hardly believe it.  We went to Denny's (her choice) with a couple friends and my mom...other friend's didn't come so neither did their kids, which really bummed Kaitlynne out (which pissed me off, but I kept the cool).  She ended up having a great time, we had a really wonderful server.  Kaitlynne passed out her birthday cake to us all (she gave me mine first cuz I was her mommy, she said), then passed it out to all the servers that came back to sing to her.

Happy Birthday my precious girl, may I always see that light in your eyes and smile on your beautiful face for many birthdays to come.  I love you!

A picture is worth a thousand words....

We had our family portrait done 2 weeks ago.  I've never had a family portrait done...either with my family, or with my ex.  I've always wanted one, don't ask me why.  I bought a pretty small package...12 pictures plus our free 10x13.  They had dressed us up in 1920's outfits..I thought they were the greatest thing...now, however, I wish I hadn't even signed up to get it done.   Something that meant so much to me before-that I've wanted to have done for so long..now means nothing.  A total of $63.74 cents worth of misery...fighting for the happy family on the Christmas card is a waste of time, fuck it all.

Woohoo...

Wow, I didn't realized it had been so long since I had written in here...

A catch up, work is going pretty well.  Wasn't able to get the transfer, but they're trying to make the schedule better.  If not, I have until my 6 month mark to work it, then I can transfer out.

The hotel is up and going...and I hate Alex's schedule w/ a passion.  We have some days where we don't get to see each other much, if at all...I've been fighting hard not to let this get me *too* down..but it's hard.  I love being w/ him, very hard to be apart.  Luckily, his schedule will change again soon and tho he'll still be working the crap-hours, he'll have Thurs, Sat, and Sun off..so we'll have our weekends back.

We're officially on the 2 week wait.  I'm not really obsessing about it, tho...*easier* this time than last.  Alex is sure he *succeeded*, and he was right the other 2 times...here's hoping.

We got prequalified for a mortgage today, so we're officially on the house hunt!  I'm so excited!  I hate moving, but wow, our OWN house! 

I had a long talk with Kim and we agreed to have her sister throw her baby shower.  I went several months w/out talking to her, then we went out shopping together w/ no kids or men and got to get it all out there.  She feels bad and uncomfortable talking to me, I just feel bad period talking/seeing her (or any pregnant woman).  So, her sister is throwing it...and she's fine with it, and it takes a huge weight off me.  I feel horrible about it, even tho I explained it all to her...she had asked me way back in the beginning if I would throw her a shower and I of course said YES!  Then things happened...things that changed me forever...she says she understands, I certainly hope that's the case.

She and Donald got their new home.  Should be able to move-in in a couple of weeks.  Then they're going to give us boxes so we can start packing..LOL.

That's about it for now...everything is going prettywell, all-in-all.

The lights are on, and someone is home-but the door is locked from the outside!

After much deliberating, I've decided to take myself off of the Zoloft.  I gave it a shot for 3 weeks, and what I've found is this:  I no longer having crying-bursts...I sit here thinking everything I was always thinking, but I can no longer *feel* anything about anything.  It keeps me *so* balanced that I don't get too happy, too sad, too anything.  I'm just *here*.  I feel trapped inside my own head...screaming to get out, but sitting here with almost a blank look on my face.  What cinched it was...well, without getting too graphic, I've noticed that my sex drive is greatly affected and I'm either unable to reach orgasm-or I have great difficulty getting there.  Alex and I have a wonderful relationship in EVERY aspect, and I'm not going to screw it up because I couldn't stop crying.  I'll figure out how to stop crying.  I don't want him to think it's his fault when that problem occurs-it's most definately not-never a complaint in that department.

On another note, something else that helped me make my decision about the Zoloft...when I heard this news..news that should have devastated me (in my mind it DID, but I couldn't FEEL it)...Candice (Tina's SIL) has lost her baby.  She was nearing her 6th month, had to deliver her baby today.  This is her 3rd stillborn child...I honestly can't imagine.  Anyone out there in cyberland who's reading tonight-say a little prayer for her, Brian, and their family tonight....so much pain and loss...

Things are going along well otherwise.  The hotel has reopened one building, so Alex is back at work.  Has the most horrid schedule, but just have to deal with it :(  Only good thing about it is he gets 3 days off now, instead of 2.  Right now, we share one day off.  But soon, we'll have 2 together again when his schedule takes a slight change.  Things at the bank are truckin' right along-I'm waiting to hear back about the transfer (the people at the branch I'm at now have been talking about changing the schedule soon-so I'm hoping to get out-soon).

Hopefully this weekend we'll be out looking at houses-we're hoping to buy this year and we've got to get on the ball here-our lease is up here in September (end of it, I think).  We're going to be moving back into town-but I'm picky about which school district.

I think I might have lost my digi-cam at Daytona-not sure, but I can't find it so far.  Total bummer, I had really good pics on there of the whole family at the beach.  I'm just hoping my brother grabbed it by mistake.

That's enough for me...time to ZzZzZz..atleast til Alex gets home.