We've got cows...and our weekend.

Thursday night (which would have been the 12th), I took pictures of a couple of cows wandering down 318 on our way home.  It's the 2nd time we've seen loose cows, still cracks us up...dang pics didn't come out, tho.  All ya see is a set of glowing eyes (pretty creepy..lol).

Anywho, Friday was pretty uneventful.  Went to town, got Alex's check and deposited it. 

Saturday, we went over to Kim's for a bbq.  I don't normally go on about what I ate for the day in my journal, but omg she made some KICKIN' ribs!  I went for seconds!  Shouldn't have, cuz I was stuffed, but they were delicious.  She said she could tell the baby was getting bigger cuz the last 2 times I was out there, I actually ate.  Yep, I'm a big gal..but I can't really eat much.  I just eat foods that aren't good for me, and I eat late when I'm done doing everything for the day.  Anywho, I put some pics up there of everyone and the babies (they are getting SO big).  Austin is breaking-in 2 teeth (molars), and Josh can nearly sit up on his own already.

Sunday we did a deep-clean on Kaitlynne's room.  I keep the rest of the house clean, expect her to take care of hers.  Sometimes she does, but it doesn't take long for it to get away from her..so Alex and I stepped in, trashed most of it (broken toys, tons of letters and cards..she likes to 'write' people), rearranged it, and tada, looks good.  I think I'll go take a pic of her sleeping in it in a second..LOL.  I about killed my back, tho.  On top of already having back problems (which I usually just live with..more of a nuisance then a pain anymore), my sciatica is acting up big time.  I tried taking a hot bath tonight, didn't work.  I lay on the heating pad everynight for awhile...temporary relief (better then none, I guess).  I'm definately losing weight after babe's is born.  I've been asking Alex for a treadmill for awhile now...said we could get one around tax time.

Anywho, that's about it, I guess.  Goin to go get that pic of Kait, then post this.  Thanks to everyone for all the comments and emails wishing well...they're always appreciated. 

20 weeks already!

I had my 20 week appt today, and it went very well.  I didn't have to wait long, actually got to see the ob for more then 20 seconds..lol.  Baby's heartrate was good (140's still), he's happy with my weightgain.  He asked me when I had lost Marissa, how far along was I.  I told him 38 weeks (just shy of), so he said that I will only have one more 4-week interval visit (next visit at 24 weeks), then I will come every two weeks, have NST's every week after that (non-stress test to measure baby's heartrate in accordance to his/her movement).  He said he would be keeping a definate close eye after that.  Not sure if that means another u/s or not, but I did ask about the 3-d u/s's.  It's $225, which I thought wasn't that bad at all.  Get an hour in there, video, pics, etc...  I really just want to see where the cord is.  I'd like to see gender, but that's a minute point.  I really never cared for the 3-d u/s's because it's like cheating...seeing exactly what the baby looks like before they are here..but I really want to see that cord.  He might order another u/s, and ask them to specifically look for that, I don't know.  I do know, tho, it's very hard to see the cord..so I don't know that I would feel comfortable with just that.  Anywho, I feel baby kicking daily now..not all day just yet, but atleast once a day...which in one way is a fantastic feeling (helping it to become more real for me, tho Alex and I both are very cautious), but also terrorifying (no movement was how I knew we had lost Marissa).  So, not much to update until next visit.  Nice to have good visit's with him, tho.  Oh, he was excited that I was 20 weeks, too..'more then half way' he said (since I'm going early). 

I went to Kim's today afterwards so the kids could play, and we could visit.  Babies were a bit cranky, Josh looked to me like he might be catching a little cold (her other son, Drew, is sick).  God bless her if both those little one's get sick at the same time!  They're having a family shindig at their house Saturday, so we're going out for that.  Only thing we had planned otherwise this weekend is to do a deepclean & throw crap out on Kaitlynne's room..lol.

Anyway..that's it for now.  Other area's are...I don't know, at a standstill?  I'm not sure how else to put it..or what else to think right now...I'm taking everything day-to-day...and today was a good day, so I'll leave it at that.

For the angels..

This is a quick entry, as I really don't feel like discussing the last. 

I'd like to send much love to Niki and her family.  1 year ago today she delivered her precious angel, Natalie "Rosebud" Hoffman.  Niki was 'the one' who kept me sane after I lost Marissa.  We all need a person who can help guide us out of the dark...Niki was that person.  I miss talking to her...and tho she won't get to read this, she knows just the same.  Happy Angelday, Natalie <3 (Please visit Natalie's site, listed on the links to the right...I know Niki would love that)

I'd also like to send out big hugs and prayers to Pammie and Kevin (they know why) <3

I'll give a more updated post tomorrow, after I have my 20 week (yes, I can't believe it, 20 weeks already!) appt. 

I give up...it's never-ending...

Everytime I think things are going good...I get knocked on my ass again.  Things that I specifically ask NOT to be done, get done.  "Yep, that should hurt her-it did last time...let's go with what works, then".  It's not fair.  I'm doing everything I know how to do.  Everytime, I try even harder to stop it.  It doesn't matter what I do...I can't stop it.  It's headed down a dead-end road.  Why?  I thought after everything that's happened in my life...this...this was my prize for making it thru.  I concede, I guess.  I feel so low...so ridiculously stupid...so completely unattractive in every way.  No matter how many times I hear 'It doesn't matter', I know it does.  I guess he was jealous of what I told him she was doing with others.  So he had to go make ammends.  "She's a psycho gold digger looking for a father for her kids."  I guess that's what's appealing.  I'm tired of having my feelings tossed aside.  I give all, and it's never enough.  Always wanting more.  Slowly destroying the best thing that has ever happened to me, atleast.  Again..why?  Everytime the door closes, I know.  I always know.  I guess I am a pathetic piece of shit, too.  Larry always said no one would want anything to do with me...that I was an idiot...I let others walk all over me so they can do whatever they want.  I'm sure there are a few of that will just get a good smile and laugh from this entry...some of you that even come across as my 'friend', or atleast try to.  So be it.  Laugh away, all of you.  I'm glad I could provide the entertainment.

Hurry up and wait...

Ok, so...I've been sick.  Yesterday, I started cramping up pretty good.  I called my ob's office, his (ever-snotty) office girl said that I had to see my primary care provider.  While I'm pregnant, my ob IS my primary care provider as far as the insurance is concerned.  She said she would tell the nurse and she would call me back with whatever med she was going to order.  I hear nothing.  My cramping gets worse.  I pack up my daughter, head to the ER.  I sit there for 5 hours, watching everyone that was there when I got there go back...and everyone that got there after me go back.  Me and 2 little old ladies sat, waiting.  I finally got up and asked registration when I was going back.  She said there were 5 people in front of me...I said there are only 3 total sitting in the waiting room???  We left.  I figured if nothing else, maybe I'd feel better in the morning.  I didn't.  My stomach is cramping up so bad...and tho I'm not seeing any blood, I'm also not far enough along to feel the baby everday yet..so I'm beyond terrorified now.  I call the ob's office, tell them I'm cramping.  The nurse asks me if I'm dehydrated, I said no.  She said is it just coming and going, I said no, it's been constant for a day now.  She says come down.  So, I pack up Kait again.  We wait...they tell us the doc has been called out for a delivery, will be back in 1/2 hour.  No biggie.  Come back to say delivery is now an emergency csection, will be back in 2 hours.  I've waited this long, I'm staying.  They call me back, do the prelim's (only gained 2 lbs in a month-not bad..I'm still below my prepregnancy weight)...test my urine.  I get put in a room, the little nurse gal comes in (she's a sweetie) and says she wants to try for the heartbeat.  I lay down, digging my nails into the table, and close my eyes.  She tries the side the baby's usually on...nothing.  I can feel the tears streaming down the side of my face already.  She grabbed my hand and said 'relax'.  She tried the other side, and there...there was our little one, snuggled up.  Heartbeat in the 140's.  I just started bawling.  I had cried all the way there, cried in the room...I was just so sure this time...Kaitlynne gave me a tissue and said "That's good news, Mom".  The doc got there pretty soon after, asked me if I had been taking my antibiotic to prevent UTI's.  I said I had, but ran out Sunday.  He said I had a severe UTI (in just a matter of 2 days w/out the pill).  He gave me another script (and a script for my cold).  He was so excited because he saw I am 19 weeks...he couldn't imagine where the time was going.  I said it was fine with me...the faster the better, I want to hold our living, breathing baby.  So, that's my week thus far...

Also, Kait's speech teacher called today and said her HMO had been changed, was sure I already knew about it, but wasn't sure how she would be able to see her now.  I had NO idea what she was talking about.  I called her old HMO and found it only affects her speech/occupational therapy (thank GOD..I was panicking because of all the other doc's she see's connected to the current HMO).  So, will have to figure that out later (the speech).  Her schooled called, said they'd get her in for the FCAT, was agreeable to holding her back for 3rd grade again, and respected my wishes to not have her with the teacher she had before (I saw a report card that she got right after I pulled her out...teacher gave her an F in math and said 'she needs to learn her math facts'...isn't that what the school is for??? Yes, I work with her, but wtf are they doing????), and not to put her in class with Josh. 

It's just been a really draining few weeks, I guess...feels like forever...tomorrow's her speech and dentish appts (not sure how I'm working these out w/ the times..).  Also, my mom had to go to the ER today, they finally put her on insulin..aye...

Hoping and praying for better days to come...the New Year is starting off w/ a bang...

God bless

God bless the miners who fought hard to save themselves and each other.  One out of thirteen is a miracle in itself considering the conditions.  God bless the families of those miners, who had a horrible 'joke' played on them by getting false hope...for 3 hours they got to bask in the glory that their families were alive...only to find out it was a 'miscommunication'...the media went nuts w/ it, too...and for the mining official to not even offer an apology (granted, just words...but words that would have come at a good time).  The families of the 12 lost can say they know and love hero's...they saved a man's life by doing everything right.  Little consolation to most, but for that one man's family, it's everything.

A little prayer is appreciated...

We took Katie back yesterday...I was sooooo sick, but hated to have Alex make the drive all alone (especially since he had to go further), so I tagged along.  By mid-day I was ok (pills kicked in).  We dropped her off, then went and found the first decent-looking restaurant we came across...we must have been dang hungry, cuz it was a crappy little buffet thing and it cost a total of 35 dollars just for the 3 of us!  Ugh...  Oh, and forgot to mention the best part...Alex got a New Year's day present somewhere along I-10...yep, not a warning this time...a very cordial officer gave a very CRAPPY ticket to my very cordial honey...LOL!  Aye..I was annoyed at first, then thought it would have been me...I would have been doing the same speed he was doing (I-10 goes down to 70mph, instead of 75mph).  Anywho, it's done..made for a few funny cracks on Alex on the way back...

I've been feeling a bit better today (anyone gets sick, take Tylenol Cold Severe Congestion..that stuff works wonders...).  I did, however, get worried about taking that..then I saw 2 other people on my preggo board say they were taking it, too, at the advice of their OB.  But I've been cramping alot today..no bleeding, just cramping.  I'm hoping it's either from coughing so hard, possibly a UTI (I ran out of my daily antibiotic yesterday for those), constipation (yep, lovely, I know), or a combo of the three.  I automatically assume the worst, and I'm trying REALLY hard not to freak out here.  My ob's office opens in the am, so I'm going to try and get in.  I also have to try and get Kait in to her dentist still, too.  So, a little prayer would be appreciated..for little bean, and for my sanity.  I try my hardest to keep the panic at bay, but sometimes...sometimes I just can't.  When we had the ultrasound and I saw that little face looking back my way on the screen...for just an instant, I remembered what it was like to be happy and enjoy a pregnancy...to have dreams for the little one inside.  My reality came back quickly, tho, and I can feel my heart guarding itself again...a feeble attempt to avoid any more pain.