Heavy Hearted

I had planned on doing an update for today's entry, but I just can't think.  Today I read something that broke my heart.  Baby Elora Jade, who fought such a hard battle for 8 long weeks after being born at 24 weeks, had passed away last night.  She survived so many surgeries, etc...but an infection came on quick, and her poor little body just couldn't hang on.  I'll attach the link to her mom's public journal, but I want to ask that anyone reading send their family a quick prayer tonight...  It's been so hard to stop crying today.  God bless you, Elora Jade...thank you for sharing your sweet soul with us, if even for a short time.  I pray our Marissa, and all the other angel babies, welcomed you with open arms.

Below is the link to Elora's mom's journal:

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What a difference a day makes!

First, thank you so much to all who emailed with advice and hugs...I was beyond miserable yesterday.  I was nearly destraught, actually.  Many recommended diff things (Gentian Violet-we've lived on it..LOL, GSE-doing it now, Antifungal-doing it now, a few others).  But something happened yesterday that was SO awesome!  A woman emailed me to say that it sounded like I was battling more then thrush.  It sounded like what she has battled with (she also thought it was just recurrent thrush), Nipple Vasospasm.  I had no idea what it was, so I read up on it and THAT'S IT!!!!!  I don't have the vitamin combo I need yet, but I did do part of the therapy needed for it and I got out my low-grade pump (my high-grade PIS is WAY too hard right now), and OMG I'm pain free!!!!!  They're a bit tender to the touch still, but the pumping doesn't hurt AT ALL, and my son is still getting my milk via bottle!  I can't even tell you how excited I am by this!  I've cried more tears, but happy/relieved ones!  I'm going to try and find out the vitamin combo, but I just can't believe this....I came this close <> to quitting something I love and find so important!  I can't thank her enough (I'm seeing so many people come out saying they have it...and they know of the immense pain).    I actually SLEPT last night!  I emailed the local LLL leader last night, and she called this morning (I missed it..because I was SLEEPING!  lol!), but she's going to call back.  I told Alex that if I have to pump until he's a year, I'll do it.  Hopin I can get advice on how to continue at the breast as soon as my breasts heal.  I'm just OVERJOYED that I don't have to quit!!!!

Again, thank you to all who cared enough to drop me a line or IM me...it meant everything to me to have 'friendly shoulders to lean on', so-to-speak!!!!   *big hugs*

Oh, and I don't know if Sabrina reads this, but I got her package yesterday...she bought the most beautiful hanging baby quilt.  It's for Brandon's first year, and has a spot for each month to put a picture of him.  I'll get a pic of it today.  The beautiful words she wrote in the card...*big hugs* I love ya, woman...thank you for everything!

Why this month and not next...

My son will finish up what breastmilk I have pumped and in the freezer tonight and that will be it...no more breastfeeding.  The thrush that I've been battling for 3 months has now gone ductal and the pain is blinding, whether I'm feeding him or just sitting here.  I'm so upset, I can't stop crying.  This was an extremely hard decision to make, and I'm PISSED.  Why this month?  My insurance picks up again next month, so why???  WHY?!  It's not fair.  I've tried everything under the freaking sun except the PRESCRIPTION that I can't GET until next month!  I'm not even sure how I'm going to get rid of this when I'm not breastfeeding him.  He's on a script right now, and I hope it gets rid of it for him, too...he's miserable.  Altho everyone is telling me otherwise, I feel like a failure.  I had SO wanted this.  Brandon has THRIVED on my breastmilk, he's huge and perfect!  It's not fair.  I know it's not the end of the word, but breast feeding mom's that read this will know what I mean.  I've been cheated.  Cheated of the special bond I created with my son while I nourished him from my own body, the way God wanted it.

I'm in so much physical pain it hurts just to sit here.  2 more feedings left of breastmilk, and done.  I hate this.  I'm miserable over it.

You say it's your birthday...

We had Kaitlynne's birthday party yesterday, and we had a BLAST!  I think nearly 30 people showed, bowled, goofed off...it was just so much fun!  I finally got to meet Pam (you'd think with all the time we're on here talking to each other we would have met by now..LOL), who brought the babies (Austin and my namesake, Beckah) and Kevin (jackass gave me a wet willy..I DON'T FORGET).  Kim came with all her boys (Donald sat this one out for whatever reason, but I think she still had a good time and I know the boys did), Melissa and her family (omg I thought she was a riot, but her husband keeps right up with her...lol), Scott and Pete, along with Pete's brother and his family (it was a matter of who sucked the worst when bowling...), mom (of course Nana-nator was there..she came, she saw, she ate chicken wings), Oliver and Jo with their kiddos (didn't get to see much of them...Jake kept them running...)...just a really great time (for everyone, especially Kaitlynne).  Brandon was perfect!  He socialized, slept, ate...not one problem with him at all!  It was great to see my friends...true friends, and of course my family.  It was needed, as my faith in friendships and relationships with my family had faltered due to misplaced trust and caring.  Not anymore, tho.  I've re-evaluated my standards of how I think I deserve to be treated...I don't have the time nor patience for anything less.  "Took the trash out", so-to-speak.

The thrush is getting better (thank you God, I was so close to having to quit breastfeeding from the blinding pain of it), and will hopefully be completely gone soon.

Got a letter today that...well, I'll just say it caught us off-guard, but I'm going to do what I can and just pray it takes care of it..don't want to go into more detail then that the trolls and posers get a kick out of the hard stuff anyway, no need to give them more.

I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of it right now (Hell's Kitchen finale on..LOL).  Take care and lovin's :)~

I blinked...and 9 years passed me by

After a hard pregnancy with pre-e, a failed induction, 46 hours of excruciating labor (oh how I wish I knew then what I know now-that never would have happened to either of us), my beautiful Kaitlynne was born this day, 12:47am.  She weighed in at a whopping 8lbs 15oz, 22in long (she's still nothing but leg).  The road has been hard, but worth every second.

Happy Birthday, babygirl!

Standing on the edge of something much too deep...

Kaitlynne started back to school yesterday.  I didn't sleep well the night before, I guess I was nervous for her.  She got a teacher who's very nice (she was her tutor for a short time last year...has training working with special needs students), and there's only 9 kids total in her class-that helped ease my mind somewhat.  My SIL wanted to make sure I knew that Josh had wanted that teacher but the school thought Kaitlynne would do better in there (translation:  she's ticked, thinking I had something to do with the teacher choice).  I only told the school that I did NOT want Josh and Kaitlynne in the same class.  I hope it all works out, I'm so nervous...worried...about the school year.  I'm putting her in afterschool tutoring, as well...every little bit helps.  I waited anxiously for her to come home yesterday...so did Alex.  What we got in return was a kid with a mean streak, tho she says she had a good day.  1/2 the battle won.  It was so disappointing, I was so happy to see her.

We had originally planned that I would go back to work part-time when school started, but we're just not ready for Brandon to be left with someone.  We also don't know where we'll be living in a few months, so we're holding off on it.  

Kaitlynne will be 9 years old tomorrow.  I find that so hard to believe.  I'm hoping school will help with her attitude...we're having an unbelievably hard time with her, and I don't know what to do about it all anymore.  I take her to counseling, I take her to a psych, I get her meds to her...on the rare occasion she takes a small step forward, she very soon afte takes several HUGE steps back.  I don't even know who to talk to about it, either.  Since having the baby, many *friends* have all but disappeared.  I don't understand any of it...and I can feel myself standing on the edge of a very deep depression.  I'm trying not to let it consume me, but it's so hard...so goddamned hard...

There's so much more to it then what I've written, but I'm thinking that getting it all out would be a waste of time anyway.  Who would listen?  Who would care?  Life has gone on, tho part of me was left behind.  I get up everyday to a beautiful family, nice home and other material possessions.  I want Kaitlynne to remember a good childhood, but I don't see it happening.  I try and try...but it's not helping...nothing is helping.  She's a sweet girl...trapped inside a body...a mind...that wants her to be otherwise.  I'm her mother, but I can't protect her from this. 

I'm rambling...I know there are people I don't know that read this...some post comments/send emails of support, and I thank you.  I don't know what happened to my friends.  I don't fit into the 'angel mom' group I talked to before because I'm the only one of them to go on to have a child.  I don't really fit into the 'toddler mom' group because Marissa isn't here to be a toddler.  The phone rings when something is wanted.  No one calls to just say hello, how are you, how are things...  No one returns calls when I call to say just those things to them. 

I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself, and probably exaggerating.  Oh well...guess I'll go finish the disaster that started at 545am while Alex and Brandon sleep. 

I hope all who read this are well...I'm sure I will be, too.  To the nut that will take this post and turn it into me being an unfit parent because I'm a lunatic...look in the mirror, woman.  I'd be ashamed to be your age and be the 'person' you are.