Fra la la la...

I hope all had a wonderful holiday!  We certainly did!  We went to my friend, Kim's, home on Christmas eve to exchange gifts.  We then came home and got the cookies ready for Santa, and the reindeer food mixed up and put out on the front lawn (btw, my dog, Blackie, loved it...LOL).  The girls wanted to call Santa, but the number I found wouldn't work :(  Kaitlynne brought me my cell phone and said, "Just in case he calls back" :*)

The girls, surprisingly, didn't get up til about 730am on Christmas morning.  For once, I wasn't up most of the night before wrapping (my SIL came over and helped me the day before that...LOL).  They came out, and we all had a really good time opening our presents.  Katie was ecstatic about her MP3 player (that I loaded with her favorite country tunes-thanks to Tina for getting me some last-minute ones), and Kaitlynne freaked about her Polly Pocket Cruise Ship and Bratz Stylin' Head.  My SIL called, asked if were still doing breakfast at her house.  It was pouring, but I thought wth, we won't melt.  She said she had seen Kaitlynne outside that morning, she had told them I locked her out.  I had no idea what she was talking about, then it dawned on me.  Kaitlynne had gone OUT of her window, around to the back door and was trying to get in to raid the presents!!!!  Thank God we locked the back door!  I was doing my best to NOT get upset, so I simply told Kaitlynne that her Polly Pocket Cruise Ship was mine until she could show me she could be trusted. 

So, we went next door and had breakfast and exchanged gifts with them.  I had to get back, tho, cuz I had to get all my stuff together to take to the hotel for the family get together there.  We got there about noon, and surprisingly, my FIL already had the paella done!  Last year he was slackin, not this year, tho!  Everyone pretty much showed up at the same time with all the kids.  It was loud, but I thought went really well, considering most of the family doesn't like each other...LOL!  My FIL was extremely generous this year, I'm still in awe and very thankful.  The food was delicious :)  After we got done there, we went to my brother's house, where he had most of Pete's family (and our mom).  We got to nibble a bit there, but I was disappointed that there were so many people there that were strangers...even to my brother!  Everyone was just 'showing up' for free food, I guess.  Hard to explain it, but whatever....I guess if they don't kick them out, can't say anything about it.

Got home about 8 or so.  Mom came home with us (Alex asked her to, since he was going to have all of the kids the next day).  I went out shopping with Sandra to return a couple of things, and see the Christmas clearance.  Got a few things I needed (including wrapping paper-we used it all!), then we hit Cracker Barrell for breakfast (was SO good...and they had FSU stuff 1/2 off, so I got Brandon a onsie).

We got a new dog (I know, we need another animal).  It's a cocker spaniel named Princess (I call it 'Dog'...lol).  She's been having trouble adjusting (tearing up trash, not house training).  I had originally emailed the original owner to give her back, but now I'm not sure.  We're missing one cat (kitten with a tail from Wendy's)...our idiot neighbors pitt's were over here around the same time it went missing...I'm praying the two aren't related :***(  On top of that, we got another CAT!  LOL!  My hubby said I can qualify as a kitty sanctuary now!  LOL!  This is a 21lb (I would say every bit of that, if not more) tuxedo-colored male, neutered and declawed (not something I believe in personally).  He...is...HUGE!  He's been voicing his complaints of sharing a home with other critters from under the dining room table all night...LOL!

I took Kait to another psych appointment today at the new place she's at.  I can NOT stand her new psych!  He's been out of college MAYBE a year, and is sure he knows everything + compared to his counterparts.  He told me that he see's no signs of any mental illness in Kaitlynne...maybe just a bit of hyperactivity!  I was floored!  I got upset, and he said that I should be happy that he said that.  I said how in the HELL can I be happy that you are going to destroy over 4 years of hard work to get her the help she has desperately needed all because you and that bubble-gum machine degree say so?!  Oh I went off...and then called the insurance company (in front of him) and asked if they had any COMPETENT doctors for my daughter.  He shrugged and said it was no big deal...he just got paid to write scripts anyway!!!  This from the man who holds my daughter's wellbeing in his idiot hands!  Ugh!  So, next week will be just that...the hunt for the new doc!  Insurance gave me the name of a place in G'ville, so I'm going to call and see what they think of this.  I called and left a message for her old Doctor to call me, too... 

Brandon is doing wonderfully!  He had shots a couple of days ago (the same day dipshit doc pulled this stunt), but fine otherwise.  Everyone tells us what a beautiful boy he is...and how good he is.  He's always like that, too!  We got him the Jumperoo with Grandpa's gift card to Walmart...and he loves it!!!!

Katie goes home Sunday.  Her mother called us Thursday (the same day that the doc pulled his crap and Brandon got shots) to say she wanted us to keep Katie here cuz they're broke (something we had talked about anyway).  We said fine, send her school records.  One hour later, her husband calls back saying that it was a misunderstanding and she never should have called with our problems and that they would indeed be picking Katie up Sunday.  I called back myself and told her mother that we needed to know that Katie was going back to a stable home...her response:  "Huh?".  I was so irritated at her ignorance (as usual), that I said 'good God, forget it' and gave the phone to Alex.  She then gave her phone to her husband.  It was horrible to see the girls get excited (they heard the first phone message), then see them both crushed.  I can't stand that woman.  I guess that child support check means that much to her.

Ugh, it's getting late and we have a birthday party to go tomorrow.  I'll add some pics and be outta here.  Happy New Year!!!!!

************For our daughter*************

We missed you dearly on Christmas day, as we do every day.  Tho having your siblings with us, there was still an empty spot.  Daddy and I cried many tears for you, and I'm sure they won't be the last.  We love you, baby girl...I hope you had the most joyous of holiday's with the reason we have Christmas to begin with.  See you on the other side....

Ahhh the holiday blues...

Very busy month.  Let's see, Alex and I went to the Gretchen Wilson/Blake Shelton concert last Saturday.  We had a blast, no doubt.  Blake put on a better show (he sang "Baby", and I cried the entire time), but Gretchen's wasn't bad, either.  The opening act (can't recall the gals name..some local person) sang a country version of "Gin and Juice".  Yes, the Snoop Dog song...it was horrible.  Ugh...

The hotel was burglarized yesterday morning (local people can check the local section of today's paper, it's in there as being a suspected hit by a group of men who hit 2 other places recently).  Thankfully, no one was hurt, but they stole the entire safe with thousands of dollars in it.  Just last week, Alex's father's room was burglarized, as well.  They smashed out the back door around 230am, held the gal at gunpoint, and stole the safe.  Like my nerves weren't bad enough with this, now I have to think of Alex down there with this bs going on :*(  His dad is out of the country, coming back tomorrow...I feel bad for him, too.  We're not all convinced that it's related to the other 2 incidences...not many similarities, in our opinions.  With his room being broken into (actually, there was no forced entry there...had to be someone with a key?), we're thinking possible inside job.  Robbed by someone who knows him.  Great.

Kaitlynne's going thru a REALLY hard time at school and at home.  She just started a new counselor/psych this week, and I'm praying with all I have it works.  I'm just in tears everyday about it.  I'm angry and frustrated (why does this have to be happening to her?), and so sad (I feel robbed of her and her childhood, and sad that the other kids think of her the way they do...she's such a sweet kid, really...just wants friends, but has no idea how to go about getting/keeping them).  I don't want to go into details, but things are really hard right now.  I'm so depressed, and really trying to keep my head up for my family. 

Oh...and we're just around the corner from Marissa's 2 year angelversary.  2 years...how did that happen??  Where did the time go?  How did I make it this far, when I can clearly feel the pain like it was yesterday?

To end on a positive note, Brandon is doing wonderfully.  He brings a smile to every face that sees him, he's a true joy to all.

Fra-rah-rah-rah...

Hope all are well.  'Tis the season to be busy busy!  Last Friday night, Kaitlynne had her Christmas recital at school.  She's been eagerly awaiting this for weeks.  She did very well, it was pretty cute.  Her cousin was in it, too.  Both did an excellent job :)  We went to the Christmas parade last Saturday with my sister-in-law and one of her kids (she had another girl with her, too).  I was psyched that my spot was actually still there-I was so sure someone would move it (like last year...buttheads...).  We met up around 3pm, set our chairs up, then went walking thru the shops behinds us.  Got a few good deals on some clothes for the kids, and some Christmas decorations at the Rag Shop.  Alex and I both came into our relationship with no Christmas items, so we're still building (or should say I am...lol).  We got our dinner from Taco Bell then sat, ate, and waited for the parade.  A friend of Kaitlynne's from Girl Scouts came over and sat with us.  Her mom wanted to, but already had people sitting with her so couldn't.  The parade was really good this year, much longer than last year.  Weather was perfect, too.  Brandon had a BLAST!  They started the parade with the motorcycle cops going around in circles with their lights and sirens going...Brandon started screaming at them (not upset, but talking to them).  It was hillarious!  All-in-all, a really good time, I'm definitely glad I went.  Kaitlynne went home with her friend to spend the night, so Brandon and I went to the hotel to wait for Alex to get off work, then headed over to Steak-n-Shake for a late night dinner.  We're looking forward to our first real date-night on Saturday, when we go to the Gretchen Wilson/Blake Shelton concert.  Mom's coming out here to stay with the kids, so hopefully all goes well.

Sunday, we went to pick up Kaitlynne at her friends' house, but she had asked to go to church with them.  I never discourage that, so I said no problem, we'd come back.  There are some other things I'd like to talk about regarding this whole thing, but thinking I should keep them to myself.  I will say something about the church, tho.  They practice some sort of deal where they scream alot...and roll around on the floor to get the 'sin out'.  I wasn't aware of this when I sent Kaitlynne (she has never seen anything like that, and we don't practice in that manner).  She got in trouble at school twice this week already for doing just that...rolling around on the floor and screaming about getting the sin out.  It's somewhat funny to picture it, but not funny overall.  I've talked to her about it, and simply said that she can't be doing those things in class, it's very disruptive.

Kaitlynne's starting a new counselor and psychiatrist.  We've met with the counselor, and I'm not quite sure how to take her yet.  I'm hopeful, but I've been hopeful in the past.  She started to tell me that the psych wasn't going to want to prescribe Kaitlynne's meds, and I got really defensive (as I'm used to doing), and said that stopping her cold-turkey because they didn't like what she was on was NOT an option-period.  It would make her sick, at the very least.  So, they got me an appt earlier then was planned to get her meds, and then we will discuss any alterations to her regimen next month.

Kaitlynne's had a really bad couple of weeks, and today it came to a head.  We had a VERY long (and at one point LOUD) discussion, and she's been fine ever since.  Her teacher is helping me with her problems at school, and she came right home and went to work cleaning her room like I said to her.  I come across as mean to some, but they don't understand.  I'm the one she comes to when the other kids are making fun of her because they think she's 'wierd'.  I'm the one who has to bandage her up when she's hurt herself because she's gone off the wall.  I have to be strict.  I was so upset this morning after she got out of the car.  I thought to myself how exhausting and depressing it can be to be her mother.  I hate feeling that way.  I love her more then words can describe, but I feel ROBBED of her.  This g'damn DISEASE has stolen my little girl.  It's not fair.  For her, for me, for those around her that will never know what a sweet little girl she is...

I've been battling a depression for some time now.  Alot of things going on, most beyond my control, and that's probably part of it.  I hate the not-knowing part.  I know we have itbetter then so many, and I'm grateful for that.  That's what keeps me grounded.  I guess it's the season for all that, too.  I've been missing Marissa.  We hung her special ornaments on the tree, and I couldn't stop the tears.  Something today made her just pop in my mind and I couldn't stop the tears then, either. 

That's enough for now...I wasn't planning on mentioning that, now it's got me down...going to go find something else to do.  Take care out there in cyberland...

*cracks knuckles* Black Friday ;)

Been a busy week and I'm worn out already!  Kaitlynne got 2nd place out of her entire school on the turkey coloring contest *smiling big*!  It made her entire week!  Thanksgiving went very well, I was relieved.  I cooked turkey, gravy, green bean casserole, corn, cherry cheesecake and pumpkin pie.  My sister-in-law (next door) cooked ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, baby carrots, and apple pie (we both pitched in on appetizers of deviled eggs, shrimp dip, spinach dip, and a pickle/olive tray).  We had both of our families there, and our father-in-law and brother-in-law came out.  Granted, I can't stand that particular BIL, but I let it slide for the day...still family, no matter.  Everyone was in a good mood, kids played, guys watched football, my mom slept (lol), and Sandra and I got our Black Friday lists ready. 

Which leads me to Friday.  We met up at 330am at her house (yes, folks...I went to bed at 1am, got up at 230am...people that know me, pick up your jaws), then headed for Walmart.  We got there at 4am, and got our cozy space next to our prize purchase-the portable dvd players.  I was getting one for our car, and she was getting two for her kids.  One lady asked if she could get by me with her cart, so I moved a bit...she and 2 of her *bleeping* friends stopped right in front of me.  She then turned and started talking to about 10 more people...Sandra and I put ourselves close together and didn't let a damn one of them up there...assheads.  We were both a bit nervous about when the plastic was going to come off of the pallet..we knew it would be chaos.  At 455am, a couple of women in front of us said they'd peel it back so it would be ready at 5am.  Well, the beyotch that cut in front of me said, "Oh it's on now" and made a DIVE into the pallet!!  I said, "oh shit" as the mass suddenly lunged forward...it was INSANE!  LOL!  I grabbed 3 cases, and Sandra (while cussing at people squishing her) just <barely> grabbed the 3 dvd players.  She hollered to me she had them and we made a quick and much-needed escape from the mass of clammering shoppers.  We laughed, high-fived (yes, we're nerds), and I then noticed she had a big scratch and bruise across her chin...war wounds!  LOL!

After that, we made our way around the store to grab the other things we wanted (no where NEAR as dangerous as the dvd player).  I got a couple Fisher Price toys (one for Brandon, one for Kim's twins), each of our girls the 4-piece pajama sets, and a few dvd's.  Sandra got her soccer table, but couldn't find the air hockey table (told her we'd find it somewhere else...btw, I went to Walmart today and saw they had 6 more air hockey tables out at the same BF price...LOL), a pillow that has speakers that plugs into an mp3 player, and a few movies.  Then we went to go to Target...OMG!  The line was around the front of the building, down the main road!  We just looked at each other and said, "hell no", and headed to Kmart (we knew they wouldn't be as busy..lol).  Sandra got her air hockey table there, both got a couple more dvd's, I picked up quite a few 12 packs of Pepsi products (2.00/12pk...can't beat that!) for our soda machine, and a Bratz doll.  Ran into a friend of an acquaintenance and said hey...she was a royal beyotch (like she usually is, I hear), so that started to turn my mood sour.  I got over it, tho, as we headed to ToysRUs.  The lines were INSANE in there, but they (the employees) had it very organized..I'll give them credit for that.  I got a Bratz styling head, and Spongebob inflatable boxing thing.  She got a guitar, a huge transformer, a football kind of game, and we both got a couple other things (can't remember...lol).  Then we headed back to Target (much calmer then).  We headed to electronics and both got a couple more dvd's (ended up with like 10 movies each..lol), each got a Spongebob GBA game, each got our hubbies something similar (not saying what, cuz Alex reads this...sometimes, anyway), and a few other things.  I ran into Kim there (she gave me a big hug..we haven't seen each other in awhile...she's been sick, as have the babies), said we'd get together soon.  Then Sandra and I headed out to lunch to end the extravaganza.  We had planned for 2 weeks to go to Kotobuki.  I couldn't believe it, tho...they were closed!  Ugh...so we ended up at Ale House (had a spinach dip appetizer that was SO good...I bought some goodies to try and make it tomorrow...lol).  Then she dropped me off at the hotel and I got a room to catch a little nap before Alex came for work with the kids.  All-in-all it went well, and I had a good time.  I came home, did dishes, used what little energy I had left to play with the kids, then crashed hard when Alex got home...LOL! 

I put up my decorations today...bought some to put outside, too.  Looks cute.  I haven't done the tree yet, tho I have it on the porch.  I want to clean my carpets in there first.  My brother called and said he is indeed coming back for Christmas (they had gone to Springfield to work).  I was pretty happy to hear that (maybe my harping finally worked...Petey's family sees them way more then we do and they live in another state!).  He should be back Tuesday or so...I'm excited :)

Anywho, that's about it.  I'm still tired today (blah).  Next Saturday is the Christmas parade-I can't wait!  Hope all had a good Thanksgiving...and saved plenty of energy...December's right around the corner :)

"Hell Yeah" it was a Happy Birthday for dh :)

Happy (now belated) Birthday to my honey :)  He had to work it, but I tried to make the best of it for him.  I got him a couple pairs of shorts and a baseball cap that says 'England' on it.  Kinda boring, huh?  I made up for it...got him (and myself) tickets to go see Gretchen Wilson/Blake Shelton next month!!!  Hell yeahhhh!!!  For the man who doesn't like country music, but likes Gretchen Wilson...LOL!  I do, too, as well as Blake Shelton...I can't wait!  I also brought him ribs from a kickbutt place down the road from him (for y'all local...Roosevelts...mmmmmmmmmmm).  He deserves all he wants, and more.  He never asks me for anything anyway...but he had mentioned the concert, so I'm happy I could get them for him (and the seats rock!). 

Brandon's been battling something for the last couple of days.  I was worried it was RSV (tho he's getting the vaccine, but they aren't always 100% effective at warding it off...and thanks to Lissa for talking to me the other night!), but he seems to have bounced back.  Still coughing a bit, but seems better.  Perhaps an allergic reaction to something?  I don't know...but keeping a close eye on him anyway...definitely had us scared!  I gave him a nebulizer treatment and put him in bed with us the other night...not much sleep for mommy and daddy, but he woke up a bit better...and today has been much better.

Kaitlynne seems to be snapping out of her funky mood...really rough week last week, I hope it's done with.  She's been doing so well!

That's about it...tty'all later :)

A *real* entry now...

Real quick, let me say thanks to the couple of folks that signed up on the Netwinner!  It's been down for maintenance off/on today, but it's worth it!  I keep it minimized, play as I can.  Anywho, thanks again :)

Now for *real* news...lol.  Brandon had his 6 month appt yesterday.  He's such a big boy!  He weighed in at 21lbs 10ozs (granted, they don't undress, so off a few ounces), and 27 inches long!  He's the light of our family...when any of us are having a bad day, we just look at him and he gives us that big toothless smile-it's amazing :*)

Kaitlynne got her progress report, and she's doing so well!  She brought her math grade up to a C (started out an F...it's by far her hardest subject), and the rest was all A's, B's and E's and S's!  My mom kept her overnight Saturday and they had fun together as a reward...we're going to do something with her this weekend (I'm thinking we'll go see Happy Feet).  I have started having her pulled out for added help in math, but I'm happy to see her put forth her best effort on her own...definitely proud of her!  She's had a rough few days this week with her behaviors/moods, but today she seemed to try a bit harder to control them.  She should be starting her new counseling soon, as soon as I stop playing phone tag with them.

Other then that, we're just plugging along like everyone else.  I cleaned out the closet in the baby's room the other day (going to sell some of Brandon's clothes, since he's outgrowing everything so quickly).  I was doing fine, going thru this and that...using all the energy I had to avoid the left side of the closet.  The left side has a large garbage bag of baby girl clothes...I remember buying each and every item in that bag.  I remember picturing her wearing it when I did.  The left side has a box of keepsakes...all that's left of a shattered dream.  I only held it off for so long, before I broke down...hard.  I haven't cried like that for her in some time...usually have a little boy smiling at me to remind of the gift she gave us.  This time, I didn't.  I had nothing but a clean right side, and an untouched left side.  2 years later, and the pain is still just as fresh as the day we found out...

Warning: Shameless Plug Ahead

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That is NOT black cat...

Just a quick update.  We had the celebration for Girl Scouts last Saturday.  My sister-in-law and I volunteered to HELP with our troops booth...ended up we ran it entirely-our troops 'leader' never came back.  Sandra and I just took turns going around to the other booths with our troop so we could get pics with the kids.  At one point, I had to leave our booth unattended because Kaitlynne got very sick.  She was fine afterwards, tho.  I could go into more 'Girl Scout Drama', but I won't...LOL!  She had a good time, for the most part.  I did, too...was fun playing with the other girls.  My friend, Cindy, runs a troop so we got to see her and her daughter, too.

Sunday was apparantly 'zoo day' at our house.  Kaitlynne went outside to play and came back in the house with a damn SNAKE!  Now granted, I like snakes...had them as pets...but I do NOT want her grabbing wild snakes and thinking it's ok!  I got so mad because I was so scared that she had done that...I'm still not positive what kind it was!  Our cat, Butters, had caught it and she went and grabbed it.  It was about a foot long or so (young).  She dropped it by the shoe pile, and it went behind it.  My husband (not-so-much a snake person...lol) called me, so I got it out with the litterbox scoop!  LOL!  Ended well, thank God.  Later that evening, I went out to the back porch and opened the screen door for the cats to come in and eat.  I went back inside, and then back out to the porch to look for something.  Alex asked me which cats were out there eating, so I say, "Butters, the 2 kittens, and black cat".  Just as I say it, what I thought was black cat turned around and it was a possum!  LOL!  I was like Holy Sh*t, there's a possum out here!  I knew we had one (I've seen it out eating in the yard before..and we do live in the sticks, afterall), but not on the porch!  The dang cats were just standing there like nothing!  I'd shew them out the door, and they'd run back in.  Anyway, ended up that we had to move a bunch of stuff off the porch to open the pathway to the door again to get him out.  After doing that, he just walked away (after he had tried to eat my broom and showed me some WICKED looking teeth!).  Of course I had to get a pic ofit first, tho!  All turned out well again, but it was an adventure! 

The rest of the week has been pretty uneventful, I guess...hard to remember all the things that go on :)  I went to the school this a.m. for an IEP meeting I called-I wanted Kaitlynne to start receiving extra services for math.  Luckily, the staff agreed w/out too much fight (hard to schedule it in there when they spend 95% of their day doing required FCAT preperation...I'm still pissed Crist got elected governor-he loves the way the education system is running.  He's obviously an idiot...).  Kaitlynne made me proud today (yet again).  Altho she is struggling so much with math, she has brought her grade up from an F at the beginning of the year, to a C now!  She doesn't know that yet, so I'm going to surprise her with doing something special this weekend with her.  I think we'll go see 'Happy Feet' :)

Anywho, not much else happening.  Did get to talk to my friend, Steph, yesterday (after 2 years of no more then the occasional email).  I hope things work out for her soon...she deserves to be happy and treated like the good person that she is.

Alex is behind me playing with Brandon and saying, "Dear Journal:  I have the greatest husband ever...".  He thinks he's joking, but he's right...I do.  I love you, honey!

I see you in him...

Forgot to mention something.  Kim and I were out today, Brandon stayed home with Daddy for bit, but she had her twins.  I commented on how much Austin looks like her oldest son, Danny.  She agreed, then got quiet for a minute.  She said, "I've never said this to anyone, but I have thought about what if we lost Danny that day in the pool...and then we were to have Austin with him looking just like him...how ironic, or maybe that's not the right word."  I said, "First, thankfully that's not something you need to dwell on.  Secondly, everytime I look at Brandon sleeping, I see Marissa.  She had the same big blue eyes...same little lips...big hands...they could have been twins, too."  She said, "Yes...she was a beautiful girl."  It was all I could do not to cry.  I'm crying now just writing it.  Gone, but never forgotten, babygirl.  We love you more then words can say. 

Trick-or-Treat, Smell my feet...

Hello again, I hope all had a happy and safe Halloween.  Yesterday was busy!  I took a bunch of goodies to Kaitlynne's class and had a small party with them (it was kind of sad...the kids were all so shocked that anyone was doing anything for them...I don't mean as far as the teacher, but that a parent was involved.  Hard to explain, but an odd feeling).  Kaitlynne is good friends with the girl she was having problems with, so that was nice to see.  She was such a goofball while I was there, it was cute.  I checked her out from there so we could go home and start getting her and Brandon ready.  As you can see from the above pics, she turned out SO cute...I can see a glimpse of the woman she'll become...how beautiful she is and will be...wow.  We ran a few errands, stop and saw Grandpa and Nana, then went to Kim's mom's house to meet-up.  We went our usual route, but I was surprised at how many houses weren't participating this year...also heard there weren't as many kids out...really wierd.  The kids had a blast, tho.  Kaitlynne was so tired when we got home, but I had to shower her (lol)...that stuff came right out, surprisingly!

For the most part, I think she's been really trying to be better with me.  The reward/chore chart seems to be working.  She has a "checking" and "savings" account going...earns money, as well as loses it.  I gave her a dollar free-and-clear today as a surprise...told her it was because she was so good last night and hasn't been fighting with me in the mornings.  She was surprised, and politely said thank you.  I asked her if it was nice to earn something...not have to fight with me to try and get it...she agreed.  We tie-dyed some shirts the other day, had a blast with it...we, for once, did something together with no fighting and enjoyed it!   It's a start, and I'll take it :) 

She has an appt next week to start new counseling/psych care.  She's being discharged from her current care (I don't agree with, but they "claim" it's beyond their control), as tho she's "cured".  Anyway...we'll see how this goes.  I have my reservations, but hopefull.

Brandon has another appointment tomorrow for his latest round of the RSV vaccine.  I hate seeing him get a shot, but I know it's worth it in the long run.  He's doing wonderful, he's such a joy...and so big!  Everyone can't wait to hear his current weight/height :)

Quick note to my honey...I love you, thank you for every day we have together as a family!

Take care all...I'm off to read journals (HINT HINT).

Tears in Heaven & Boyz in the Hood

Hello again, people of cyber land.  Just thought I'd stop in, post an update or two. 

Kaitlynne's doing well.  Enjoying Girl Scouts, brought her grades up at school, even got 'best dressed' award today at school!  Has a bit of an attitude with me, but it's alot to do with her age, I'm sure (ugh, teenage years around the corner!).  She had a small 'breakdown' at school last week.  Was missing her brother, Kevin.  He passed away October 2nd, 2002.  I hadn't mentioned in here, because I just wasn't sure how to feel.  I miss him, too, tho I know I wouldn't see him today if he was alive.  Same as I don't see her other brother, Matthew.  It's sad, really.  I divorced their father, not them...I feel for Kaitlynne, she remembers enough to know what she's missing.  Kevin would be 20 years old.  20.  I just can't believe that.  Forever a child...

Brandon is doing well.  He does so much everyday, hard to keep up with how much he changes!  He's nearing 20 lbs!  He looks like a one year old!  LOL!  He *talks* to us all the time, it's so precious!  Everyone says what a wonderful baby he is, and we (of course) agree!  So mild-mannered...always smiling...Kaitlynne dotes on him like he's hers!  He's brought us much-needed joy, for certain.  I've put a couple of recent pics up there.

My brother and Petey took off to Missouri for the remainder of the winter (they're backwards...leave Florida to go north in the winter??).  They didn't even say goodbye, just left.  Said their work wasn't paying enough down here, went to get some cash up there.  Oh well...another "family" holiday without the family.

I haven't been feeling well, physically, for a couple of weeks.  Not sure what it is, but hoping it's something as simple as I need to get a bit more exercise (baby weight...ugh).  I'm a tad bit worried...which causes me to be somewhat cranky, but I'm more aware of it now and trying to hold it at bay.  We got a treadmill last weekend from a friend of mine's mom, so that should help.

I've been hunting for more journals on here to read...people who share similar interests, histories, *lives* as myself...any of my lurkers want to share their own ramblings?  LOL!  I have a few I read quite often, but I guess with the holidays, kids, etc...most of us don't have time to sit here much anymore.  Not necessarily a bad thing ;)

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day!  Seems *odd* to some, I guess, that I (and many other angel parents) would be *excited* about this day, but I am!  It's a huge step forward to having our precious babies recognized and remembered! 

If EVERYone in EVERY time zone lights a candle at 7pm (their own time zone) and keeps it lit for atleast 1 hour, there will be a light burning around the world at all times in honor our angels lost.  Please, light a candle!  For your own loss, loss of a sibling/cousin/nephew/niece/grandchild, loss of your friends' baby...

In memory of our precious angel, Marissa Cheyenne.  You are NEVER forgotten...always in our hearts and minds.  Everytime I look at Brandon, I see you in him.  I know he is a peaceful soul because he has you forever with him.  We love you, and we'll see you on the other side!  Marissa Cheyenne, born Monday, January 31, 2005

The real "ER"

We had to take Brandon to the ER on Thursday night.  He has typical 'cold-like' symptoms (stuffy/runny nose, cough, low-grade fever, irritable)...but with a baby who has a history of lung disease, it can go to much worse very quickly.  So, for peace of mind if nothing else, we went.  We were there for 3 hours :/  However, it turned out to be well worth the trip.  Brandon is fine (just a cold).  The ER doc ordered him a nebulizer, so I'm sure that will help with his wheezing.  The doc also gave us many names of pediatricians and child psychiatrists for Kaitlynne (she has been discharged from her current care and I'm having a hard time finding people who take her insurance and kids her age).  The referrals are in the next town over, but we actually live a tad closer to that town anyway, so it works.  Monday morning I'll be on the phone, that's for sure!  He was very nice and sympathetic to our situation.  He also didn't treat us badly for bringing in a baby with a mild cold...says it was the best thing we could have done (I told him I'm not super comfortable with the kids' current pediatrician and in the midst of finding a new one).  Seems as tho Daddy and I have caught his cold, too!  He handles it better, tho (Brandon)...he's been so pleasant, considering he doesn't feel well.  He and I went to a friend's house to have a yard sale, and he sat out there with us for hours in his stroller/bouncy seat.  He played, ate, talked to his squeaky fish (88 cents for 3 of these things and he LOVES them...lol)...he's just such a joy.

I've started a new computer-based chore/reward program with Kaitlynne.  She earns points towards prizes (cash, trip to her favorite restaurant, go to see a movie, etc...).  She's been doing it a week now and it seems to be helping some!  I can notice the improvement!  Hopefully we're on the right track to something, for once.

Same ole' same ole' at Alex's work.  After all the drama with he and his father, his father told him in a roundabout way that he (Alex) was right about this youngest brother...and he agrees with having him work the desk as little as possible.  It's about time, is all I say.  However, he should have gone with Alex on this from the beginning instead of what he did...no big surprise on that part, tho.  I think the stress of knowing how things are there for Alex, along with a few other big things going on right now...a bit overwhelming for me.  I've been "out of sorts" the last few days, and I can't pinpoint it on any one thing...so I'm guessing that's it.  I did have a small "breakdown" the on Thursday night.  Alex and I were getting things packed in the car to sell at the yard sale, and I asked him to grab the bassinette we had bought for Marissa that we never used.  I was all gung-ho about selling it (need the space, and we kept the other bassinette for future kids), but as soon as we got it out into the car, I just lost it.  I could remember every single little detail of the day we went to buy it.  I was 34 weeks pregnant and nervous that she had nothing to sleep in when she came home...I had been harassing Alex for a couple of weeks for us to go get something, so we went to this cute consignment shop and got this Noah's Ark bassinette.  I set it in the corner of her nursery with a cute pink sheet, cute pink blanket, with a wall hanging of Pooh and Friends over it.  It might as well have been the day before, it felt like it had just happened.  Alex and I had a small cry together, looked at the little boy coo'ing up at us, and remembered that she brought him to us safely.  Such a big price to pay for a beautiful little boy...

Added a few pics from last night.  I had Brandon in his exersaucer next to me, and he was laughing everytime I popped over with 'peek-a-boo'.  Daddy and I are having a date night (chaperoned by Brandon) tonight.  Kaitlynne got her *prize* for the week by getting Chuck E Cheese on Friday with our friends...and she asked if she could stay over with my mom tonight, so we'll be taking full advantage :)

 

Still here...

Just a quick note to say howdy.  Kaitlynne has a little cold, but doing well.  She's in Girl Scouts and loving it.  She also starts private tutoring next week, which I think will help tremendously.  Had one small misunderstanding at school last week, but luckily the staff talked to me first before overreacting...well, overreacting too much, anyway.

Brandon is just perfect!  He's such a big boy, always smiling, never crabby.  He sleeps 10-12 hours at night!  It's fantastic!  We have his crib in our room...everyone just adores him (and boy he knows it!  He's quite the flirt!).

Things could be better for Alex at work.  His idiot brother prances around bragging that he works 16 hours a week and gets paid salary, and that he's the boss down there (as far as the boss thing...let him think what he wants, who would want to brag about being the boss there??).  The salary part is ridiculous.  When the other front desk person comes back, idiot won't even work...but he'll still get paid...gotta buy the booze and drugs somehow, right?  Just not fair to Alex, who shows up for his 5 shifts clean and sober.  He takes so much shit...it's just not fair.  I wish I could do something about it, but I can't...and he can't either, right now anyway.  A few things going on kind of have us stuck in a rut...hoping that changes in the spring.

Otherwise, everything is good.  Our a/c is still out, but we have a couple of window units in the house keeping it cool until that gets figured out.  Potentially big problems are on the backburner simmering...I just hope they work out before they come to boil.  I think my nervousness is affecting Alex, tho it's not my intention.  I love you, honey...everything will be fine!

Here's a couple pics from today...kids and I went for a walk tonight after dinner, it's finally cooling off some outside.  I was goofing off with the effects on the software...lol!  Hope all are well.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

The House of Representatives has passed the bill, and October 15th is officially Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day!!!!  This is HUGE for angel parents!  Now to fix the states that say a birth certificate isn't in order for late-term losses...

A bittersweet excitement, yes...but Marissa's loss (and so many more sweet babies) is not in vain!  This doesn't take away the pain, of course...but it's still important that our babies be acknowledged.

(a little late) but the twins are 1!!!

Hard to believe, but Kim's twins are 1 already!  We went to their house last Saturday for a party, had a good time (got some pics I'll be adding, too). 

Things here are going pretty good, I guess.  Our a/c went out 3 days ago...hotter then yanno what in here, but we put a couple of window units in until it's fixed...actually kinda cold right now (I'm sitting right next to one).  A lot of other things going on that are actually stressing me pretty bad, but I'm trying to keep it together...I have to pray it will work out for the best, but some of it's rather scary to think about.  I can't sahre on here, tho, seeing as there's a nutbag (perhaps 2) that just wait for info that can hurt. 

Kaitlynne is in the Girl Scouts, and loving it.  Had to do a small adjustment to get her there, but I know it will be worth it...she's excited.  I go with my sister-in-law and her daughter (we've mended the fence, so-to-speak...).  I can't think of much to say today, I'm not feeling great.  Enjoy the pics, tho.

Plenty of subjects to cover today :)

*First and foremost, sendings prayers to the families and friends of those lost 5 years ago today...gone, but never forgotten.  God bless you all.*

We had an AWESOME trip to Tallahassee!  It's gorgeous there;  told Alex I could easily live there, just beautiful!  We arrived, got our hotel room, then went off wandering around.  Ate at a pretty nice seafood restaurant, then went back to the hotel.  We got mom and the kids settled down, I had my small moment of seperation anxiety, and off Alex and I were to the game.  Parking wasn't bad ($15, but for a boy scout troop and we weren't probably more then a block away from the stadium).  Plenty of outside activities and places to sign up for freebies (we hit a couple of those...but in the end we came home with a TON of free stuff...lol).  Got inside, and found our seats (we had GREAT seats!), went to get a drink, then came back.  Whole thing was just a lot of fun, really cool experience.  I'm happy that Alex finally got to go to see his favorite team play-made me feel good that I got to do that with him.  Even better that they won (and I got the winning touchdown on video...lol)!!  After the game, we went to Roadhouse and had a wonderful meal...we were pretty tired, tho, and both anxious to see the kids.  Kaitlynne woke up when we got back, and Daddy *helped* Brandon wake up...LOL!  Talked about everything, then settled in for bed.  When we woke up, we took turns going to breakfast downstairs (Mom and Kaitlynne, then Alex and I).  VERY nice to read the giant caption on yhe sports page:  STEWART OUT OF THE CHASE!  C'mon Jr!!!!

We went to lunch at KFC and then to Kaitlynne to a gorgeous duck pond down the street from the hotel.  We stayed until it started raining, then hopped in the car and went to goodwill.  We got a nearly new HP monitor for $20!  A backup for mine :)

Anywho, I think that's about it.  Oh, prayers being sent to Anna Nicole Smith & her family for the very untimely loss of her son.  How tragic to share the joy of yhe birth of your daughter with the death of your son.  You don;t need to be a fan of hers to feel for her...

 

Big boy :)

Brandon had his 4 month checkup today (4 shots...I'm traumatized far worse then Brandon, I think...lol).  He's now 15lbs 9ozs, and 24 1/2 inches long :)  I'm going to say that the 15lbs is all from me, atleast (I started supplementing formula along with breastmilk last week).  A rough decision, but I had to do it.  I'm meeting with an IBCLC next week to try and salvage our breastfeeding relationship...I can't even put him to the breast now, it hurts so bad...I have to pump for him.  However, somethings better then nothing.  Doing what I can.  Oh, and Brandon let out a giggle on Monday night, but tonight he was LAUGHING!  I was singing some goofy made-up song to him while I changed his diaper and he started laughing so hard, I had tears in my eyes!  I called Daddy at work and told him to listen...he actually did it again while Daddy listened!  It was so awesome, what a beautiful sound!

Alex got into with his dad tonight and his dad told him he was fired (ha ha).  I called his dad and talked to him for about 20 minutes, explaining things from Alex's point of view in a non-heated manner.  Pretty much ended with his dad saying he's not fired, but he's pissed nonetheless.  They'll get past it, I'm sure, but I feel bad...I'm the one who urged Alex (probably more like nagged) to talk to his father about the b.s. down there.  Alex was right, tho...his father reacted in an irrational manner, rather then hearing him out.  I feel so bad, tho...I thought Alex was exaggerating when he said his dad would side with the problem rather then the solution.  Oh well, I guess...

We're going away this weekend!  I'm so excited!  We have tickets to an FSU game in Tallahassee (I've never been to a game, period...and Alex has never been to an FSU game-his favorite college team).  We're taking the kids and mom (they'll stay at the hotel while we're at the game), which I'm actually happy about it...I hate being away from the kids (tho I send Kait off for overnights with my mom, I still miss her when she's gone...and I was NOT ready to be gone for nearly 2 days from Brandon).  I think we'll have fun (if Alex can let the b.s. with his dad go to enjoy himself)...atleast I'm hoping we will.

I'm watching Daunte' play right now...hoping he can pick it up here, watching a sinking ship :(

That's all for now, I guess...take care, all.  Oh, I emailed The Australian Zoo to send condolences from our family.  They emailed back a very nice response, made me feel good...I'm one of thousands that contacted, I'm sure, but I hope that our sincere prayers for his family reach them.  Jay Leno did a tribute to him on Tuesday...Alex and I were crying, just so hard.  He was a beautiful man who leaves a gaping hole where his presence once was.

Bye, Crikey...

Kept trying to come here and put this, but put it off until now.  Everyone knows by now, of course, but Steve Irwin aka The Crocodile Hunter, died Monday morning.  He was filming a segment under the sea and came to close to a stingray, who's barb pierced through his heart.  It's said that he died instantly.  He leaves behind his wife, Terry, daughter, Bindi (age 7), and son, Bob (almost 3).  Altho not terribly surprising that he's been taken doing what he loved (working with animals, especially dangerous ones), it's still extremely sad.  God bless his family & friends, and God bless him.

Heavy Hearted

I had planned on doing an update for today's entry, but I just can't think.  Today I read something that broke my heart.  Baby Elora Jade, who fought such a hard battle for 8 long weeks after being born at 24 weeks, had passed away last night.  She survived so many surgeries, etc...but an infection came on quick, and her poor little body just couldn't hang on.  I'll attach the link to her mom's public journal, but I want to ask that anyone reading send their family a quick prayer tonight...  It's been so hard to stop crying today.  God bless you, Elora Jade...thank you for sharing your sweet soul with us, if even for a short time.  I pray our Marissa, and all the other angel babies, welcomed you with open arms.

Below is the link to Elora's mom's journal:

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What a difference a day makes!

First, thank you so much to all who emailed with advice and hugs...I was beyond miserable yesterday.  I was nearly destraught, actually.  Many recommended diff things (Gentian Violet-we've lived on it..LOL, GSE-doing it now, Antifungal-doing it now, a few others).  But something happened yesterday that was SO awesome!  A woman emailed me to say that it sounded like I was battling more then thrush.  It sounded like what she has battled with (she also thought it was just recurrent thrush), Nipple Vasospasm.  I had no idea what it was, so I read up on it and THAT'S IT!!!!!  I don't have the vitamin combo I need yet, but I did do part of the therapy needed for it and I got out my low-grade pump (my high-grade PIS is WAY too hard right now), and OMG I'm pain free!!!!!  They're a bit tender to the touch still, but the pumping doesn't hurt AT ALL, and my son is still getting my milk via bottle!  I can't even tell you how excited I am by this!  I've cried more tears, but happy/relieved ones!  I'm going to try and find out the vitamin combo, but I just can't believe this....I came this close <> to quitting something I love and find so important!  I can't thank her enough (I'm seeing so many people come out saying they have it...and they know of the immense pain).    I actually SLEPT last night!  I emailed the local LLL leader last night, and she called this morning (I missed it..because I was SLEEPING!  lol!), but she's going to call back.  I told Alex that if I have to pump until he's a year, I'll do it.  Hopin I can get advice on how to continue at the breast as soon as my breasts heal.  I'm just OVERJOYED that I don't have to quit!!!!

Again, thank you to all who cared enough to drop me a line or IM me...it meant everything to me to have 'friendly shoulders to lean on', so-to-speak!!!!   *big hugs*

Oh, and I don't know if Sabrina reads this, but I got her package yesterday...she bought the most beautiful hanging baby quilt.  It's for Brandon's first year, and has a spot for each month to put a picture of him.  I'll get a pic of it today.  The beautiful words she wrote in the card...*big hugs* I love ya, woman...thank you for everything!

Why this month and not next...

My son will finish up what breastmilk I have pumped and in the freezer tonight and that will be it...no more breastfeeding.  The thrush that I've been battling for 3 months has now gone ductal and the pain is blinding, whether I'm feeding him or just sitting here.  I'm so upset, I can't stop crying.  This was an extremely hard decision to make, and I'm PISSED.  Why this month?  My insurance picks up again next month, so why???  WHY?!  It's not fair.  I've tried everything under the freaking sun except the PRESCRIPTION that I can't GET until next month!  I'm not even sure how I'm going to get rid of this when I'm not breastfeeding him.  He's on a script right now, and I hope it gets rid of it for him, too...he's miserable.  Altho everyone is telling me otherwise, I feel like a failure.  I had SO wanted this.  Brandon has THRIVED on my breastmilk, he's huge and perfect!  It's not fair.  I know it's not the end of the word, but breast feeding mom's that read this will know what I mean.  I've been cheated.  Cheated of the special bond I created with my son while I nourished him from my own body, the way God wanted it.

I'm in so much physical pain it hurts just to sit here.  2 more feedings left of breastmilk, and done.  I hate this.  I'm miserable over it.

You say it's your birthday...

We had Kaitlynne's birthday party yesterday, and we had a BLAST!  I think nearly 30 people showed, bowled, goofed off...it was just so much fun!  I finally got to meet Pam (you'd think with all the time we're on here talking to each other we would have met by now..LOL), who brought the babies (Austin and my namesake, Beckah) and Kevin (jackass gave me a wet willy..I DON'T FORGET).  Kim came with all her boys (Donald sat this one out for whatever reason, but I think she still had a good time and I know the boys did), Melissa and her family (omg I thought she was a riot, but her husband keeps right up with her...lol), Scott and Pete, along with Pete's brother and his family (it was a matter of who sucked the worst when bowling...), mom (of course Nana-nator was there..she came, she saw, she ate chicken wings), Oliver and Jo with their kiddos (didn't get to see much of them...Jake kept them running...)...just a really great time (for everyone, especially Kaitlynne).  Brandon was perfect!  He socialized, slept, ate...not one problem with him at all!  It was great to see my friends...true friends, and of course my family.  It was needed, as my faith in friendships and relationships with my family had faltered due to misplaced trust and caring.  Not anymore, tho.  I've re-evaluated my standards of how I think I deserve to be treated...I don't have the time nor patience for anything less.  "Took the trash out", so-to-speak.

The thrush is getting better (thank you God, I was so close to having to quit breastfeeding from the blinding pain of it), and will hopefully be completely gone soon.

Got a letter today that...well, I'll just say it caught us off-guard, but I'm going to do what I can and just pray it takes care of it..don't want to go into more detail then that the trolls and posers get a kick out of the hard stuff anyway, no need to give them more.

I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of it right now (Hell's Kitchen finale on..LOL).  Take care and lovin's :)~

I blinked...and 9 years passed me by

After a hard pregnancy with pre-e, a failed induction, 46 hours of excruciating labor (oh how I wish I knew then what I know now-that never would have happened to either of us), my beautiful Kaitlynne was born this day, 12:47am.  She weighed in at a whopping 8lbs 15oz, 22in long (she's still nothing but leg).  The road has been hard, but worth every second.

Happy Birthday, babygirl!

Standing on the edge of something much too deep...

Kaitlynne started back to school yesterday.  I didn't sleep well the night before, I guess I was nervous for her.  She got a teacher who's very nice (she was her tutor for a short time last year...has training working with special needs students), and there's only 9 kids total in her class-that helped ease my mind somewhat.  My SIL wanted to make sure I knew that Josh had wanted that teacher but the school thought Kaitlynne would do better in there (translation:  she's ticked, thinking I had something to do with the teacher choice).  I only told the school that I did NOT want Josh and Kaitlynne in the same class.  I hope it all works out, I'm so nervous...worried...about the school year.  I'm putting her in afterschool tutoring, as well...every little bit helps.  I waited anxiously for her to come home yesterday...so did Alex.  What we got in return was a kid with a mean streak, tho she says she had a good day.  1/2 the battle won.  It was so disappointing, I was so happy to see her.

We had originally planned that I would go back to work part-time when school started, but we're just not ready for Brandon to be left with someone.  We also don't know where we'll be living in a few months, so we're holding off on it.  

Kaitlynne will be 9 years old tomorrow.  I find that so hard to believe.  I'm hoping school will help with her attitude...we're having an unbelievably hard time with her, and I don't know what to do about it all anymore.  I take her to counseling, I take her to a psych, I get her meds to her...on the rare occasion she takes a small step forward, she very soon afte takes several HUGE steps back.  I don't even know who to talk to about it, either.  Since having the baby, many *friends* have all but disappeared.  I don't understand any of it...and I can feel myself standing on the edge of a very deep depression.  I'm trying not to let it consume me, but it's so hard...so goddamned hard...

There's so much more to it then what I've written, but I'm thinking that getting it all out would be a waste of time anyway.  Who would listen?  Who would care?  Life has gone on, tho part of me was left behind.  I get up everyday to a beautiful family, nice home and other material possessions.  I want Kaitlynne to remember a good childhood, but I don't see it happening.  I try and try...but it's not helping...nothing is helping.  She's a sweet girl...trapped inside a body...a mind...that wants her to be otherwise.  I'm her mother, but I can't protect her from this. 

I'm rambling...I know there are people I don't know that read this...some post comments/send emails of support, and I thank you.  I don't know what happened to my friends.  I don't fit into the 'angel mom' group I talked to before because I'm the only one of them to go on to have a child.  I don't really fit into the 'toddler mom' group because Marissa isn't here to be a toddler.  The phone rings when something is wanted.  No one calls to just say hello, how are you, how are things...  No one returns calls when I call to say just those things to them. 

I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself, and probably exaggerating.  Oh well...guess I'll go finish the disaster that started at 545am while Alex and Brandon sleep. 

I hope all who read this are well...I'm sure I will be, too.  To the nut that will take this post and turn it into me being an unfit parent because I'm a lunatic...look in the mirror, woman.  I'd be ashamed to be your age and be the 'person' you are.

Time just flying by...

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I had written!  Where were all my gals who usually email me saying, "Wake Up!!"? LOL!  I'll have plenty of pics to show ya :)  I took the girls to our nephew's 3rd birthday party, so there will be those pics.  Today we took Katie home to Georgia.  The visit was hard about 3/4's of the time, but she and I actually went out just the two of us (well, we had the most adorable little man escort..lol), and we had a really good time :)  I took her to Kotobuki (my favorite place...she's never been), and she had a blast.  My daughter had been wanting to spend the night with my mom, so she was off having fun of her own :)  She stayed with my mom today while we went to Georgia (at request from Alex, who had wanted a few hours of alone time with me...we had little man, tho...neither of us is ready to leave him yet).  We went to Jekyll Island, Brandon's first visit to the ocean!  I had him super-lathered with SPF 50, a hat, onsie, etc...  He was pretty tired when we got there, tho, so he wasn't totally feeling it.  He had liked swimming at my mom's, but fell asleep pretty quick today.  Alex and I took turns going out to swim, and when it came time for me to go, it started raining as soon as I got out there...lol.  We hurried to get Brandon out of the rain (he was covered in the stroller), and it stopped as soon as we got to the car...ahahahaha!  We had a really good time, tho...haven't had much time with my honey with all these kids wandering around! 

Oh, I forgot, I went with Kim to lunch and shopping on Friday.  It was Kim, myself and 8 kids (3 of those being babies...lol).  It was pretty fun, tho.  Kim's kids are getting so big!  They both stand and "cruise" around the furniture, both have teeth, say mama and dada...seems like she just had them!  We're planning a party for Kaitlynne (she'll be 9 on 8/9) and Danny (he'll be 10 on 8/18)...at first they weren't sure they wanted their parties together, but changed their minds :)

I also told Kim about the probable move.  She had said something that I couldn't respond to without giving it out.  She looked like she was going to cry :*(  No for sure dates, but his father is looking forproperties and other things.

I guess that's about it.  Enjoy the pics :)  Oh, Alex said he wants to renew our vows (we just got married in February..lol) next year...something with family and friends...says he could do it every year...what a sweetheart.  I love you!

Oh, Brandon rolls from belly to back as of 7/21/06, and he's teething already!  He'll be 12 weeks tomorrow :*)

My new favorite color is white

Just a quick note, Brandon's visit went well today.  His test results came back 'ok' (which scared me at first, to just hear 'ok'), but the doctor said his eyes are looking better (the yellow appears to be gone and his eyes are white again).  He's following him closely, but told me he had been really worried when he first saw him since any jaundice from birth should have been long gone by this age.

I do believe little man is hitting a mega-growth spurt...he's been sooooo fussy for the last few days (trying not to pull out my hair...feel sorry for my older ones, I know I'm cranky..).  I did want to say thank you for all the prayers-they've worked yet again :)  *hugs*

Say "cheese" and praising more then God

We went to Chuck E Cheese yesterday (we had promised the girls, and figured it'd be good to take our minds off the lab results we're anxiously awaiting) with Alex's brother and his family.  They've changed it in the last couple of weeks...got rid of alot of the older games, and updated it (with more adult-friendly games), and expanded it out...much more enjoyable for the 'big' kids, too.  Everyone had a good time (pics up top).

We had Brandon baptized today.  The Reverend that officiated is also the man who did Marissa's funeral.  We wrapped little man up in a blanket that has an embroidered angel on it.  It was given to us as a gift when Marissa died.  We thought since there'd be no him w/out her, it was a fitting 'tribute', of sorts.  The service was beautiful, took a few pics afterwards (my brother even showed, go figure...lol).  We asked he and Pete to be Brandon's Godparents and they accepted (Pete actually teared-up at it...he's very attached to Brandon).

On a side note, I had felt nauseous since yesterday (rode this simulated rollercoaster thing and I should have known better...simulator rides and myself DON'T mix).  I woke up today feeling just as crappy, thinking maybe I was nervous (didn't know why, tho).  I lasted thru the service (tho I was sweating to bad-it was nasty...lol), and we went to lunch.  I took 2 bites and ran to the bathroom :X   I was sick all afternoon (I won't share the details..lol), came home and napped after feeding Brandon, only been having one of the symptoms since then (not vomiting..thank God, my throat is killing me).  Alex made me some chicken noodle soup, and I'm hoping to keep that down.

That's about it, I guess.  Thank you all for the many emails/comments regarding Brandon...I'll be calling in the morning for the results...that might be my stomach problem :/  *hugs*

...I can't think of a subject line...

First, I forgot to mention that Brandon flipped from belly to back on July 4th...he was getting mad and started rocking and just WHOOP.  Also, he gave his first "real" smile yesterday...to the ceiling fan :/

Today we took him for his 2 month checkup.  He's 12lbs 8oz and 22 inches long (grow, baby, grow).  I mentioned to him about his sinuses and he gave me a couple of meds (I guess he thinks it's a sinus infection).  Now...when the doc came in, he automatically pushed on Brandon's skin.  Then checked his eyes.  Then pushed on his abdomen.  Then checked his eyes again.  Then pushed on his abdomen again.  I knew what he was doing, so I asked if Brandon was jaundice.  He said he wasn't sure, but was sending him for labwork at the hospital tomorrow to check his liver function.  This all is scaring the shit out of me.  I was fighting tears when the nurse came in and gave him 4 shots (which brought screams and big crocodile tears, of course...from him and me).  All I could think of was little Noah who just passed away.  And how I had just mentioned to Alex a couple of days ago about Brandon's eyes looking a bit yellow where they should be white.  I'm so scared.  Unbelievably scared.  I can't lose him.  I can't.  Alex is trying hard to be strong for me, but I know he's terrorified, too.  He mumbled something in the car about finally getting a baby here and now having to worry if he can stay. 

Please pray it's nothing more then maybe needing a bili blanket or maybe not even that.  Please. 

Baby Noah

Rachel came to our May board just a short time ago.  She was originally due in June (where I had originally *met* her), but her little man decided he liked May better.  He was born on May 7th.  Tiny little man, but he was healthy...and his family so happy to have him.  Rachel was constantly doting on her boys...both so precious :)  Baby Noah was diagnosed with Pyloric Stenosis this past Monday.  A simple operation can fix this, and on his way he'd be.  However, his fragile little heart wasn't strong enough to handle the surgery.  Noah went to God on July 5th, passing away on the operating table.  I can't describe how badly my heart hurts for his family...I've been crying all day.  I look at our son and think little Noah was just a day older...

I'm asking that whoever reads this say a quick prayer for Noah's parents and family.  I'm just so sorry. 

Our 4th

Just a quick entry to show the pics from the cookout at Kim's house yesterday.  Had an alright time, kids were a pain, as usual...lol.  Kim was getting over a cold that kept taking her voice away (her kids were happy...she couldn't yell at them).  Alex had to work, but got a goodie plate anyway :)

We got a couple pics of Alex's mom while she was up visiting his brother in Canada...such a pretty lady!  Looks so young, I think Alex should show his dad what he's missing...LOL!

I guess that's about it...I wanted to include this saying that Tina sent me in email a few days ago...I really liked it:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Party of 5

We went Saturday to Georgia to pick up Alex's daughter (also named Kaitlynn, but we call her Katie).  Mom went with us, and we met up with Alex's exwife's new husband, Katie and their baby daughter at our regular spot.  It was, dare I say it, *nice* without his ex there (hell, even her husband agreed).  She makes it so tense...awkward.  We were all chatting like regular folks, goofing with the kids, then off our seperate ways...alot nicer then our other pickup/dropoff times.

Sunday we went to breakfast (a rarity at our house-we rarely move before noon...lol), and then off to wander the mall and Walmart.  I got some cute clothes for the kids at Penney's on clearance (woot).

Today I took the girls, mom, and of course our munchkin man to the park.  It drizzled off and on, but overall, it was pretty nice.  Took a few pics of the girls feeding the ducks.

Brandon is doing well.  Such a sweet and clingy baby...lol!  Just in the last week or so, he wants to be held alot...and isn't sleeping as much (good during the day-hard at night).  I'm pretty sure it's growth spurts and possibly allergies.  He's been clogged alot since he's been with us.  I've been giving saline drops and using the bulb syringe (the antihistamine given doesn't work).  He has his 2 month (already *sniff*) appt Friday-so we'll see then if there's anything else that can be done.

Tomorrow we're off to Kim's for a cookout and fireworks (Alex has to work..but will get his goody plate).  Mom opted not to go-can't say as I blame her, sometimes these things can get boring if you can't keep up with the nonstop chatter of Kim's family.  I think I'll drop the bomb on Kim tomorrow about why I've also been clingy...coming up dingdong reasons to hang out or call.  Or maybe I won't.  Don't know yet.

Anywho, I guess that's about it...I'm sure there's more to update, but I can't think so good right now (sleep deprivation).

*Hugs and Prayers* to Ju and her family, dealing with the loss of a much-wanted pregnancy.  I'm so sorry, honey :*(

*Hugs and Prayers* to Jayme and her precious Elora, born at 25 weeks (she's doing well and oh so tiny!!!).  I certainly hope you can bring her home, happy and healthy, very soon!

The twins and more :)

Had a good weekend, we went to Kim's house and had a cookout for no other reason then to have one.  Alex had mentioned it being about time for one...not that we need a reason to get us all together :)  I got more pics of the babies, I can't believe how big they are!  Josh is 22lbs, Austin is 19lbs.  Josh is nearly walking, Austin's well on his way to crawling everywhere.  Everyone's doing good, tho...Kim's definitely got her hands full..lol!

We stayed Sunday (nice relaxing day), few appts Monday, then home since then.  Brandon's been battling this mega growth spurt...LOL!  I think we're past it (just in time for another one!), tho.

Off for more appts tomorrow, Friday is payday (ha ha honey), then perhaps getting Alex's daughter this weekend (waiting to hear from his ex..as usual).  I also want us to find some time to start clearing out this house...we're packratting again!  Don't need the added hassle later on, for sure. 

Guess that's about it for now...toodles :)

The doctor...is out.

Well, we went to my 6 week post op appt today with our OB...it was quick and painless (everything healed perfect again, thank God).  The doctors' office is always jammed, but he took the time to say how happy he was at the outcome...shook our hands, and posed for the above pic with Brandon.  Just looking at it makes me tear up.  It's kind of hard to explain the closeness that we feel with this man.  Even Alex cares for him (we had an appt Monday, and when the doc got called out, we rescheduled so that Alex could definitely be there).  I mentioned this vaguely to my friend, Kim (twin-mommy)...she said even tho she didn't transfer to his care until she was 5 months pregnant, it was hard on her, too.  He's such a warm, caring person...genuine.  He was there for the worst day of our lives...and one of the greatest...and all the time in between.  He worried like we worried, he cared like we cared...  This all sounds so corny, I know...but it just leaves such an empty feeling.  I told Alex that should we get pregnant again ever, I'll have to have him as my doc..no matter what...he said he wished he was my general physician so we'd see him still.  Thank you, Dr. Marquette...for fighting for our son's life as we do...for knowing what to say, and when to say it...for making a 5 minute appt a meaningful experience, same as a 30 minute appt...for knowing our names, our history, and doing your best to understand "us", when you truly didn't have to. 

I know he won't read this...but it makes me feel a bit better.  Brandon is having some mild congestion that I had at first attributed to allergies (doc had given me the antihistimine and asthma inhaler)...I'm getting a little more concerned now, might try to get him in the doc's office tomorrow.  Otherwise, he's doing wonderfully :)  Nursing more and more, as he's hit his 6 week growth spurt!  He was twice the size of a 4 week old at the doc's today..and she weighed more at birth!  LOL!

Kaitlynne spent the night with mom last night...gave mom a bit of the attitude she's been sharing with Alex and I.  I told my mom that maybe NOW she'll be a bit more empathetic to Alex and I.  She (Kaitlynne) was good for me, tho....we went to Walmart to get groceries, thenhome and I made lasagna. 

We were supposed to get Katie this Sunday, but plans have been rearranged do to car problems with his ex.  She had said it might just be her husband bringing Katie, but she'll try hard to be there since it would be awkward...Alex told her he didn't care.  I told him that it's HER that makes it awkward with everyone, no one else...be better if she didn't come.

I don't know if my friend, Carolyn, reads this...but I wanted to send her big hugs and many prayers.  I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say...and I'm not sure I'm the one to talk to you about any of it anyway. 

And to Shawnee and Andi...congrats gals!!!!  2 more March babies from March mommies!  Y'all got to get better cable in June *grin*!!!  LOL!  Happy and Healthy pregnancies wished to you both!

Alice-you look great, and so does your little belly boy!  I love the name you've (almost) chosen!  

I miss Jennifer (she's visiting inlaws in Washington) and Gretchen (she's working hard and spending more time with her kiddos). 

Thanks to Amber for finding the poem that was erased from Marissa's site...I can't wait to get it back up there!  I was so upset when it disappeared!  *hugs*

Hugs and lovins to Pammie...she knows why :)

I think I covered the masses...if I missed ya, I'm tired...sorry!  LOL!

Have camera will travel :)

About the song I'm listening to...kind of a slower rap song, the video is powerful.  Perhaps because I come from a "broken home"-it really touched me, considering I spent many days *waiting* for a dad who never came.  I talk to him now, but there's an undeniable tension/distance that can't be repaired...

Anywho (not to depress), get a little update going here.  We had our first storm of the hurricane season this past Monday/Tuesday.  I'll admit-I was scared (considering where we live and all), but we made it out just fine.  Plenty of rain (much needed) and wind, but no damage.  Had to reschedule a few appts, but no biggie.  Had an appt today, or so I thought.  I rushed to get there only to find out I had the wrong date and it was this past Tuesday...so, back again next Tuesday...blah.  I went with Kim (and her 4 kiddos) to the mall tonight.  I was just going to wander around, she was looking for a gift for her husband for Father's day (which she didn't find).  I already got Alex's gifts (won't post them here, tho I don't think he'll be reading this before he gets them)...I'm hoping he likes them, tho.

I got Kaitlynne's FCAT scores.  I had had her take it to find out where she's at and to give the school an idea of where she needs some extra help from them (and me) when she goes back next year.  I didn't want her to pass it, because I want her to repeat 3rd grade for many reasons.  Well, she didn't pass...BUT, she was SO close to it!  Her math scores were VERY low (not surprising...part of it she's not good in math, and part of it was the school not accomodating during testing), but her reading scores were JUST below where she needed to test...not bad for being at home for the school year!  I was pretty proud, actually :)  She's excited to go back to school, too...I know I made the right decision keeping her with me, and now it's time for her to return back-make some friends, etc...  She does so well with Brandon (she's having her normal tirades that she was having before him), but you can tell she adores him.

Speaking of littlest man, he's doing fantastic!  He's getting so big already, I can't believe it!  Even Kim saidhe's pretty big for not even being 6 weeks yet...he really just packed on the weight/length (wtgrow little man...and yeah to mama's milk!).  The cloth diapering is a BLAST!  I love shopping for them, and they don't leak!  Breastfeeding gets a bit sore at times, but so obviously worth it...I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I'm proud of myself!  Proud of Brandon!  Proud of Alex and Kaitlynne for supporting me! 

I included a few pics above that I took recently...enjoy and take care :)

Uncle Scott & Aunt Petey :)

Ok Pammie, here's your update with pictures!  I've been a busy (and bad) mommy not taking many, but I've stuck my camera in my diaper bag now so I'll be better!

We've been doing pretty well here :)  Brandon wasn't feeling well the day before yesterday so I took him to the ped again.  He had been wheezing some at night, little bit of congestion, and then threw up an entire feeding (and God bless his sweet self, he never cried!  He's so mellow).  So the doc gave me an inhaler to use if needed and an antihistamine (says he thinks Brandon might have a little residual gunk in his lungs from birth).  He also gave me a script for Nystatin (not sure if he has thrush or not...but giving it to him anyway..and he hates it..lol).  I've been giving him eyedrops for a couple weeks now, and he thinks he has a clogged tear duct that will be fine soon enough.  The best part of the visit (for me anyway) was hearing Brandon's weight...he's up to 9lbs 9oz!!  He put on 1lb 11oz in 2 weeks, thanks to Mommy's milk!  It was exciting to hear it's working (tho I knew he was getting bigger, he's finally out of his preemie clothes).  He's exclusively cloth diapered (has been for a couple of weeks now), and that's going great, too.  I'm sure it's more comfie on him, but he doesn't leak at all!  We only do laundry every other day, and we're saving a ton of money! 

I'm healing up great...I get a little tired when out running errands still, and occasionally get a throbbing pain at my epi site, but doing great nonetheless.  Had some nip issues, but took care of those so I'm good.  I have my 6 week checkup in a week, and I'm actually sad that we won't be seeing Dr. Marquette for awhile.  He's been such a big part of our lives for nearly 2 years now...he was there for the worst day of our lives, and one of the best days.  He definitely holds a special place in our hearts...wonderful man.

Alex has been working a horrid schedule, but is about to be back on his other one soon.  It was nice at first, him having 5 days off at a time, but then working 7am until 11pm twice...that's really hard on someone.

I guess that's about it, as far as I can think of...oh, as you can see from the pics, my brother FINALLY opted to come meet his nephew *sigh*.  All crap aside, it was nice to see them, and they adored Brandon :)  Scott shaved his head (I mean BIC'd it), but he can pull it off...looks good on him (but I was shocked at first...lol).  Also pics of one of the wild peacocks out here...it kept coming up to the car, chasing the tire (Kaitlynne was laughing so hard).

Take care y'all :)

"Church" and the "Mouse"

We went to Chuck E Cheese with Kim, Donald, and their crew on Thursday.  Kaitlynne got to be with her *man* (Danny...lol), and Kim finally got to hold Brandon.  Alex was out in the car when we got there playing with his cellphone and said he'd bring the baby in in a minute.  He came in like 1/2 hour later, I thought Kim was going to strangle him!  She grabbed ahold of him and I didn't see him again until we left...lol!  When I got inside I told Donald I had to hold Joshie, and WOWSERS what a GIANT difference when holding him than holding Brandon!  Her boys have gotten SO big!  Joshie is crawling everywhere, Austin is inch-worming along (but has figured out the cabinets on the fish tank...lol), both have teeth and both reach for Mommy/Daddy now.  They're just so cute!

Kim and I were talking about more kids, and she (of course holding Brandon and loving how tiny he is) said, "Oh we'll have to wait a couple of years then both go off our BC together so we can get pregnant around the same time again."  I just looked at her with a smile on my face and she stopped and said, "NOOOOOO wait, I don't want anymore kids!"  It was so funny, she had gotten completely wrapped-up in the little baby moment!  I'm still undecided about any more (physically I could handle it, tho it'd be another highrisk pregnancy)...the emotional strain on Alex and I (and friends) is really hard, tho.  Nothing need be decided now, anyway.  I know Alex says no more, but in a couple of years we both might be gung-ho about it *shrug*.  Quite happy enjoying the one's I have now, tho.

We went with mom to the church office yesterday so the gals could see Brandon.  Most everyone was gone, but a couple of them were all over him!  He was just wide-eyed and loving it and all of the sudden BAM, he threw up all over a gal!  She didn't care in the least, and I told her the perk was it was breastmilk which didn't stain!  Got him all cleaned up, tho, and made an appt for Alex and I to meet with the associate minister (who did Marissa's funeral) so we can get Brandon baptised.  Alex is a non-practicing Catholic, but I figure we're getting him baptised Christian...that's all I want.  I'd love to go to church again, but the treck there from here is SO far!  Might look around to see what's in our area, tho...

Kept calling to harass my brother until he finally answered his phone last night.  He said he was just about to call me (*eyeroll*  I invented that line...lol).  I guess they're working alot now, trying to get back on track from being really short on work in April (with their bills-I'd be scared).  I asked what they did for Memorial weekend since they're working so much.  Answer:  Took last Friday off and drove to Springfield to spend time with Pete's family, yet again.  Am I surprised?  No.  Does it sting a little that my brother hasn't found time to see his new nephew at all?  Yeah, it does.  Oh well, tho.

Still trying to get Kaitlynne's FCAT scores...the woman at the schoolboard in charge of homeschooling never called me back and I'm not sure if she's there now...I can't wait for Kaitlynne to go back to school.  Not because I want her away from me (tho she's going thru a really mouthy stage, I miss her when she's not here), but because I think she'll feel so much better getting back around other kids.  I know I did the right thing keeping her home this year academically, but hoping it was the right thing, socially, too.  I just noticed when I was feeding Brandon last night, that she had taken her two little McDonald's bears that she loved and tied them to his mobile in his bassinette.  I thought that was really cute, she does love to dote on him.

Not much else going on right now.  We're going to get Alex's Katie (who turned 9 yesterday...Happy Birthday!) in a couple of weeks.  I pray for a good visit this time...last 2 have been a little rough on everyone. 

That's it for now, I guess...take care :)

As requested...an update :)

Didn't realize it had been a little bit since I've updated (so sorry y'all...lol).  We're all doing well :)  Brandon is such a precious, mellow little man!  Kaitlynne loves bragging on him everywhere we go.  Breastfeeding is going great...I started pumping to feed him in public-which I know makes Daddy feel good-now he can feed him, too.

My dad has been emailing alot more lately...even sent me some pics of a cruise he and his wife went on last September (I haven't seen my dad in nearly 8 years, only communicated via phone, letters, email).  He looks older (obviously), but still pretty good.

I'm not sure what's going on with my brother.  Nothing since that phone call last week, even tho I've tried calling him several times.  At first I was angry that he's apparantly abandoned us and is showing no interest in his new nephew...now I'm just worried-things just don't seem to be quite *right*.

We went to Orlando yesterday to see a friend of Alex's who is down on vacation with his parents.  I won't lie-his friend was a bit of a jerk (tho I know why he was and I feel sorry for him, sort of), but his parents were lovely people.  They don't have grandchildren (tho they obviously want them badly), so they latched on to Kait and Brandon.  I'll have a few pics from them above.

Tomorrow is speech, then we're meeting Kim and Donald and their crew at Chuck E Cheese--I know Kait will have a blast, and she's earned it.  She was really good last night in Orlando, and we were there late late late.

Can't think of much else to say, so I'll end it for now.  Take care and lovin's.

WTGrow Brandon!

I've been feeling better (thank you to all the comments/emails...y'all rock!), and things are starting to 'settle down'.  Brandon is a wonderful little man, good eater, great sleeper, so much personality already.  Kaitlynne is having some jealousy issues, but she also brags on him quite a bit...she'll be ok, I know it :)

Brandon had his 2-week check-up yesterday and he's doing wonderful!  Had his first vaccination (traumatizing for me...lol), and he gained 9 oz since last Monday!  Wtgrow little man, and go mommy's milk!  He also added on 3/4 of an inch (he's long and skinny...lol).  He donned his first cloth diaper yesterday (he looked SO cute...pics above).  Even the ever-skeptic daddy couldn't help but smile at his cute little posterior!

Somethings going on with my brother and Pete...I'm not sure what, and at first I was angry about it...now I'm just really worried.  All I can do is pray for them now and hope whatever it is, gets resolved soon.  My mom is doing pretty well.  There are some possible life-altering changes that might be happening soon for all of us (no, I'm not sharing them here...atleast not until I know if it's all going to happen or not) that has us all preoccupied.

I guess that's about it for updates...I promised pics, so here they are :)

PPD, not severe enough to call Tom Cruise for help.

Everything is going well :)  Brandon had his follow-up at his pediatrician yesterday, and got a clean bill of health!  He still has a bit of jaundice, but doc said it will go away with the breastfeeding and putting him in the light via window.  His lungs are clear (what we both were hoping to hear), and he's back up to his birthweight (excellent news...mommy's milk is definitely working it's wonders).  He's such a calm little man...he has some confusion over days/nights, but doesn't cry at night, just doesn't want to go to sleep, either...lol.  We're working on it, tho...I've been trying to keep him awake (quite a task in itself) a little more during the evening. 

I had thought I might have escaped the PPD blues, but it looks like I was wrong.  It's certainly not bad...nothing at all to do with the baby, or Kaitlynne...it's Alex.  I guess because the last week was sooooo overwhelming (physically and emotionally), it's been hard to find the time to exhale.  Having Alex here with me made it all ok...he held my hand, kissed me, cried with me, told me everything would be ok...and it is.  So, it's been very hard when he leaves for work now.  Hard on him because he wants to spend time with Brandon, hard on me because I want him to have that, as well as just be here with me.  I cry when he leaves, tho I really try hard not to, because I don't want to make it harder on him than it is...but I just can't stop myself. 

I love you, Alex.  You're my best friend, without a doubt.  You're the loving father to my daughter when her own disappeared, and you've given me 2 beautiful children.   Thank you...for everything.